Strong Badia the Free Cave Girl Squad

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"Today's the big mammoth hunt, and you know what that means!"

The girls take a trip through pre-history in their eternal quest to attract boys.

Cast: Cheerleader, So and So, What's Her Face, The Ugly One, Ogg Ogg-er-son, Mammoths, Saber tooth Tiger, Thomas, Anubis, Dinosaur, Lizard Cheerleader, Lizard So and So, Lizard What's Her Face, Lizard The Ugly One, Charles Darwin

Note: If the word "Girl" is used, it refers to any girl to whom the item is given. "Girl 1" and "Girl 2" are girls randomly chosen at the start of a scene.

Contents

[edit] Transcript (Scene 1)

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: Cave Girl Squad! Cheerleader! So and So! What's Her Face! The Ugg-ly One!

CHEERLEADER: Challah, cave girls! Today's the big mammoth hunt, and you know what that means!

SO AND SO: An in-depth study of the indigenous mega fauna?

WHAT'S HER FACE: Some kinda weird CG-filled cable special? {"weird" is not written in the speech bubble}

THE UGG-LY ONE: More parasites for my—

CHEERLEADER: IT'S BOYS, ALRIGHT! It's ALWAYS boys!! And I gotta look my best for my date with the captain of the mammoth huntin' team, Ogg... Ogg-er-son!

{At this point, the player is allowed to give two items to any of the girls, each of which has different effects (see below).}

[edit] Transcript (Scene 2)

GIRL 1: The Flood Plain Mall is open for business! Let's hang out in the food court for the next epoch!

GIRL 2: Word.

GIRL 1: WRITTEN word.

{At this point, the player is allowed to give another two items to any of the girls.}

[edit] Transcript (Scene 3)

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: One hundre... milli... thousa... a long time later!

GIRL 1: I got me a summa job to save up for a cute burial shroud!

EGYPTIAN: Get back to work, or no drop of water for you this week!!! {The Egyptian whips the girl.}

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: {imitating the whip} Krr-ACK!

{At this point, the player is allowed to give three items to any of the girls before the game ends, unless the player activates Scene 4 {see Dinosaur Egg and Charles Darwin below}.}

[edit] Transcript (Scene 4)

LIZARD CHEERLEADER: And that's how come all the mammals got all extinct.

LIZARD SO-AND-SO: Weird.

LIZARD WHAT'S-HER-FACE: Weird.

LIZARD THE UGLY ONE: Weird.

{At this point, the player is allowed to give Charles Darwin to any girl. Any other item will be shown on a pedestal that says "Bad Idea". Strong Bad grunts in disapproval if this happens.}

[edit] Results

[edit] If at least one girl survived

STRONG BAD: Man, that was terrible on an epic scale. If all cave paintings were like that, we'd never have made it past the... dirt age. Negative twenty points. The secret to a funny comic is timing. And wiping out a bunch of teen girls, of course, but mostly timing.

[edit] All four girls died

STRONG BAD: Ugh, something that unfunny should stay buried in a cave. No points. The secret to a funny comic is timing. And wiping out a bunch of teen girls, of course, but mostly timing.

[edit] One girl died a major death

STRONG BAD: Hmm, not bad, but it's still nothing for the vandalized history books. Eighteen points.

[edit] Two or three girls died a major death

STRONG BAD: All right, now we're drawing a crappily drawn civilization. Forty-one points.

[edit] All four girls died major deaths

STRONG BAD: {laughs strongly} That's good stuff, man. Let's see those stupid cro-magnons try to top that! Three hundred fifty-eight points!

[edit] All four girls died major deaths and Charles Darwin was used in scene 4

STRONG BAD: Now that was a work of perfection that will stand the test of time! Six thousand points!

[edit] Items Effects

[edit] Chisel

[edit] Used independent of the Tablet

GIRL: Oh, that's a sharp chisel. Cool. I'm sure nothing bad could happen to me with that.

[edit] Used after the Tablet, on the same girl

{Various symbols appear over the girl's head as she speaks.}

GIRL: Dear-Ogg,-want-to-go-on-date? {The girl stops writing} Do you spell "Ogg" with two snakes, or a guy with a bear head?

MAN WITH 2 LINES SYMBOL: IT'S TWO SNAKES!!!

{The symbol-character throws the two lines at the girl, which then turn into an anaconda, which promptly eats the girl.}

GIRL: Ow! My iconic representation!!!

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: {In a southern accent} Well, Di-GESTED WHOLE!!! {"Well," isn't in the speech bubble}

{Strong Bad laughs loudly}

{The girl dies and is unselectable after this point.}

[edit] Tablet

GIRL: I wish somebody would invent written language so I could write Ogg a love letter on this blank sheet of clay-per!

[edit] Ribbon

GIRL: Ooh! A new ribbon! I want Jamaican braids like I got on Spring Break!

[edit] Scene 3

{The ribbon wraps around the girl and turns her into a mummy}

EGYPTIAN 2: Is that a m-m-m-mummy?

EGYPTIAN 1: {With New York Accent} Marty, we've been embalming pharaohs for thoity years. You gonna freak out every time?

{The Egyptians take the mummy on their hands over their heads}

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: BRAIN OUT OF NOSE WITH A HOOK!

MUMMY: My sinuses are SO CLEAR!

{The girl dies and is unselectable after this point.}

[edit] Mammoth Skin

[edit] Scene 1

GIRL: Check out my fresh new fur coat, guys!

{A mammoth rapidly approaches the girl.}

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: Stampede!

{The mammoth impales the girl on its tusk}

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: GORE'D!!!

{The girl dies and is unselectable after this point.}

[edit] Scenes 2 Or 3

GIRL: Check out my retro-chic-vintage mammoth skin coat I found in my step-mom's closet!

CAVE PAINTING HUNTER: I'm only {"2000" if scene 2, "80,000" if scene 3} years late for the mammoth hunt! Oooh, a sickly one's been left behind!

{The Hunter throws a spear through the girl.}

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: SPEARROWED!!!

{The girl dies and is unselectable after this point.}

[edit] Wheel

[edit] Any girl other than So-And-So

GIRL: A perfectly round stone? I can't imagine how that would ever lead to allowing boys to take me to exciting places in romantic fashion. Oh, well.

[edit] So-And-So

SO-AND-SO: Pi r squared... carry the 3... Eureka! I invented the wheel!

[edit] Scenes 1 or 2

SO-AND-SO: Now if only Ogg would invent the back seat, we could totally make out!!!

[edit] Scene 3

SO-AND-SO: And here comes Ogg!

{Ogg Ogg-er-son shows up in a Flintstones-like car.}

OGG: Check out dope ride!

SO-AND-SO: You're right on time!

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: Vrrr... BLAST-OFF!!!

{The car blasts into outer space, but is burnt in the atmosphere.}

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: THE OPPOSITE OF RE-ENTRY'D!!!

SO-AND-SO: I shoulda made that heat shield outta bamboo and coconut!!!

{So-And-So dies and is unselectable after this point.}

[edit] Machine Gun

{The machine gun is given to a background character, Ogg in scene 1, a shopper in scene 2, and an Egyptian slave worker in scene 3.}

[edit] Scene 1

{Ogg shoots the mammoths.}

OGG OGG-ERSON: Eat hot lead, mammoths!

GIRL: Ogg's a pretty good shot, I thought he'd accidently shoot one of us. Kinda wish he didn't hunt our food into extinction, though.

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: ENVIRONMENTAL MESSAGE!

[edit] Scene 2

{The shopper (the one not holding corn) aims the gun at the storekeeper (the other man).}

GIRL: Whoa, take it easy there, big fella! We're all in the same tribe, here.

SHOPPER: Where's the rest of the corn, snooky? You holdin' out on me?

STOREKEEPER: C'mon, T-Bone, I'm beggin ya! I got mouths to feed, angry gods to appease!

SHOPPER: Appease this!

{The shopper fires the gun. He blows the storekeeper's arm (with the corn) off, and shoots the girl.}

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: CROSS-FYAH!

GIRL: AHHH! {she starts speaking quickly} Remember when we was kids and we used to play on the playground and it didn't matter what tribe we were in or how much corn we ha- {she speaks normally again} aw, never mind.

{Strong Bad laughs a little.}

{The girl dies and is unselectable after this point.}

[edit] Scene 3

EGYPTIAN: Work smarter! Not harder!

{He fires the machine gun in the air.}

GIRL: I gave up my job at Eunichs Fashions Plus for this?

[edit] Cat

GIRL: Aw, hi, prit kit! I'll feed you, and take care of you, and call you Miss Jumblepuddins!

{A Saber Tooth tiger approaches the girl.}

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: Sensing her young is in danger of receiving a lame name, the mother tiger picks up her prey's scent, and closes in...

GIRL: Uh, did I say Jumblepuddins? I meant-

{The tiger eats the girl.}

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: SABER TOOTH'D! TIGER... in case that wasn't totally obvious...

{Strong Bad laughs.}

{The girl dies and is unselectable after this point.}

[edit] Dog

[edit] Scenes 1 or 2

GIRL: A wolf puppy! Who's a recently domesticated boy? Yes, you are! Yes, you are!

{Strong Bad makes a sad sound.}

[edit] Scene 3

{An Egyptian is turned into Anubis.}

ANUBIS: I AM ANUBIS!!!

GIRL: More like A-N00b-Is you! Wearing animal heads is so third issue.

ANUBIS: I AM THE DOG-HEADED GOD OF DEATH!!!

{The girl throws Anubis into a purse-like bag.}

GIRL: Ooh! I can carry you in my purse when I go woven-basket shopping!

ANUBIS: INSOLENCE!!!

{A cloud of scarab beetles surrounds (and kill) the girl.}

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: CURSE OF THE GODS! THE NEW ALBUM FROM A-N00B-IS!!!

{Strong Bad laughs loudly.}

{The girl dies and is unselectable after this point.}

[edit] Dinosaur Egg

GIRL: Oh! A dinosaur egg! I didn't think that dinosaurs were s'posed to be alive at the same time as Teen Cave Girls.

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: Shut up!

GIRL: Oh, sorry. I'll just keep it safe like a big bag of flour with a diaper on until it hatches.

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: ONE...TWO...THREE... FORESHADOWING...

{The egg shakes after each scene ends. If the girl is alive after three shakes, it hatches.}

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: HATCH!! {pronounced hat-tch}

GIRL: My dinosaur hatched! We're gonna be best BFFs forever!

{A meteor crashes down and crashes on the girl.}

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: METEOR'D!!!

GIRL: Ow! My global climate change!

{Strong Bad laughs loudly}

{Scene 4 plays upon this death.}

[edit] Thomas

[edit] Scene 1

THOMAS: Gree-tings, hu-mans. We come from space-space to teach you how to build pyramids.

GIRL: Uhh... What's a pyramid?

THOMAS: 'Captain’s log: Humans still too stupid.'

{Thomas leaves.}

GIRL: Wonder what HE wanted.

[edit] Scene 2

THOMAS: Gree-tings, hu-mans. We come from space-space to teach you how to build pyramids.

{Narrator Strong Bad sings the word 'dead' to the tune of "Also sprach Zarathustra" and then a monolith falls on the girl.}

GIRL: So artistic and boring!!!

{Strong Bad laughs}

{The girl dies and is unselectable after this point.}

[edit] Scene 3

THOMAS: Gree-tings, hu-mans. We come from space-space to teach you how to build pyramids.

GIRL: Way ahead of you, spaceman!

THOMAS: Whatev's. Guess you don't need this cancer cure, either. Laters!

[edit] Tar pit

{The girl is up to her waist in the Tar pit, with a beaver-like animal beside her.}

GIRL: Dang-dang! When's Ogg gonna show up for our date? Feels like I've been waiting for years...

ANIMAL IN PIT: {British accent} 38,000 years, actually. Dreadfully boring, that.

{The girl is sucked down completely.}

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: WONDERFULLY PRESERVED FOR FUTURE RESEARCH!!!

ANIMAL IN PIT: Well, bully-bully for you!

{The girl dies and is unselectable after this point.}

[edit] Charles Darwin

[edit] Any scene other than 4

CHARLES DARWIN: Hi, Cave girls, I'm Charles Darwin.

GIRL: Hiya, Chuck D.! Wanna drag me around by my hair?

CHARLES DARWIN: You need to evolve more. You need to natural selection more. You need to E=MC² more.

[edit] Scene 4

LIZARD CHEERLEADER: Who's that hot olda-olda-olda boy.

LIZARD SO-AND-SO: Shawty look like Chuck Darwin.

CHARLES DARWIN: Check out my new 12-inch woofers, y'all!!!

{Charles gets out a boom box of his, which apparently plays horrid enough music to kill off the whole Teen Lizard-Girl Squad.}

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: SURVIVAL OF THE PHATTEST!!!

{Strong Bad laughs loudly.}

{The game immediately ends after this point.}

[edit] Summary

The following are "minor deaths" (noted by Strong Bad chuckling after the death):

  • Any girl receiving the Cat during scenes 1, 2 or 3.
  • Any girl receiving the Mammoth Skin during scenes 1, 2 or 3.
  • Any girl receiving the Tar Pit during scenes 1, 2 or 3.
  • Any girl receiving the Machine Gun during scene 2.
  • Any girl receiving Thomas during scene 2.
  • Any girl receiving the Ribbon during scene 3.

The following are "major deaths" (noted by Strong Bad laughing strongly after the death):

  • Any girl receiving both the Tablet and Chisel (in that order) during any scene.
  • Any girl receiving the Dinosaur Egg during scene 1 (and left alive through the end of scene 3).
  • Any girl receiving the Dog during scene 3.
  • So-and-so receiving the Wheel during scene 3.
  • Any girl receiving Charles Darwin during scene 4.

[edit] Fun Facts

[edit] Explanations

  • "Phat" is slang for either "excellent" or "sexy".
  • Tar pits are large holes filled with tar, in which prehistoric animals were killed and preserved when the tar hardened. Archaeologists frequently study extracted remains from such pits, as they are some of the best preserved bodies of prehistoric life.
  • Saber tooth tigers and woolly mammoths are both extinct, presumably because of an inability to adapt to environmental changes.
  • A meteor crashing into the Earth is one of the most well known theories as to why the dinosaurs became extinct.
  • E=mc2 is the equation for mass–energy equivalence, usually associated with the theory of relativity, proposed by Albert Einstein.
  • A "domesticated" dog is a dog trained to be a house pet, and does not attack humans.
  • A "n00b" is an Internet Slang insult.

[edit] Remarks

  • The Teen Girl Squad idea card for Thomas says "Alien" rather than "Thomas".
  • Cheerleader's hair is colored yellow, but So-And-So's hair (also yellow, as seen in Teen Girl Squad Issue 10) is not.
  • While there was an Egyptian heiroglyph that used a snake (to represent the J sound), there is no heiroglyph that uses two.

[edit] Goofs

  • Lizard The Ugly One doesn't wear The Ugly One's glasses, but they still fly off in the Charles Darwin scene.
  • In scene 4, idea cards will go under the lizard TGS's head but over anything else.

[edit] Inside References

  • The Anubis scene mentions "wearing animal heads" in Teen Girl Squad Issue 3, and, indeed, Cheerleader wore an elephant head.
  • "Ogg-erson" is another case of -erson.

[edit] Real-World References

  • "Some kinda weird CG-filled cable special" refers to a series of BBC documentaries on prehistoric life, Walking With Dinosaurs, Walking With Beasts, and Walking With Cavemen, though Walking With Cavemen used human actors wearing prosthetics instead of computer-generated animation.
  • Anubis really was the Egyptian god of the dead. However, he has the head of a jackal, not a dog, as Strong Bad says.
  • Narrator Strong Bad sings Also sprach Zarathustra, best known as the theme to 2001: A Space Odyssey (referenced by the monolith falling on the girl).
  • Ogg's car resembles that of The Flintstones.
  • "Captain's Log" is something commonly said in the Star Trek series.
  • Darwin's boombox is named "The Beagle", after the ship Darwin rode during his voyage and studies.
  • Chuck D is a rapper best known for his work with Public Enemy.
  • The cancer cure is likely a reference to an episode of The Twilight Zone titled "The Gift", where an alien is killed by a crowd and his peace offering of a cancer cure is burned.
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