Homestar Ruiner Responses (The Track)

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"All this race talk has intrigued me..."

Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People has many responses when you talk to various characters and interact with various objects. These are the responses from The Track in Homestar Ruiner.

On these pages, A → B (right arrow) means that the response happens when object A is used on thing B, or in the case of talking to other characters, the indicated sequence of chat topic icons are chosen.


A short horizontal line between two or more responses, such as the one above, means only one of the responses is heard at a time, and that the action results in a different response each time it occurs.


Contents

[edit] When entering the scene

{If Marzipan has been lured away from her house the first time}
MARZIPAN: Well, that was confusing. I went all the way to The Track, but Coach Z said the race probably won't start for a few more hours. Oh well, more time to get my garden ready for the party, I guess. {Marzipan leaves}
{If Marzipan has been lured away the second time}
MARZIPAN: All this running back and forth is really starting to zest my lemon. {Marzipan leaves}
{If Marzipan has been lured away the third time}
MARZIPAN: Grrrrrrrr. {Marzipan leaves}

[edit] Coach Z

[edit] Coach Z

Dressed normally
STRONG BAD: Coach Z, what's the good word?
COACH Z: No time for jibbers or jabbers right now, Strong Bad! I've got to make sure this race goes off without a hitch!
Wearing Homestar Costume
STRONG BAD: {imitating Homestar} Hello, Coach Z. It is I, Homestar, and I'm weady to wace!
COACH Z: Homestar! Your head is huge! You're not on any of those illegal performance enchancers I hear about on the TV, are ya? The rub? Are you on the rub? Is it the rub?!
STRONG BAD: Me, Homestar, cheat? It is to laugh! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
COACH Z: Hor-hor-hor-hor-hor-hor! Oh, I needed that. Well, now that you're finally ready to go, let's begin the— {cut to extreme close up of The King of Town}
THE KING OF TOWN: {fanfare} Free Country USA Triannual Race to the End of the Race!
{zoom out to reveal Strong Bad (as Homestar) and Pom Pom at the starting line, Coach Z is to the left officiating, and The King of Town is to the right, announcing.}
COACH Z: Okay, as you're no doubt aware, the Free Country USA Triannual Race to the End of the Race is a Race against time. Not only do you have to put up the fastest time against each other, but you also gotta beat the previous best time, as established by yours truly back in 1999 over there {indicates the score board}
{As Coach Z is speaking, camera pans to the right, Strong Mad, The Cheat, Marzipan, The Poopsmith, Bubs and Strong Sad are observing trackside}
COACH Z: All right then, let's get started. Pom Pom, you're up first.
THE KING OF TOWN: On your marks, get set, GO!
{bounce}
COACH Z: Whoa, 5.3 seconds. Not only did that beat my time, I'd bet that's going to be pert-near impossible to beat. Ready, Homestar?
STRONG BAD: {as Homestar} Hey wait, don't I get any, instwuctions or anything?
COACH Z: Whaddya need instructions for? You've been training for weeks!
STRONG BAD: Oh yeah, that's wight. I've been... twaining.
THE KING OF TOWN: On your marks, get set, GO!
{the player controls Strong Bad, as he runs the race, very poorly}
COACH Z: Wow Homestar, that was one of the worst performances I've ever seen in the Race to the End of the Race. You should be downright ashamed!
POM POM: {bubbles}
COACH Z: Yeah, and embarrassed!
STRONG BAD: I guess I was just too clumsy, lame, and not-cool to win...
COACH Z: You said a mouthful, youngster! Pom Pom, step into my office. We gots to fill out a bunch of paperwork before we can send the tape off to the judges.
POM POM: {bubbles}
MARZIPAN: There you are, you insensitive party-pooping pyromaniac! You and I are T-H-R-U through!
THE KING OF TOWN: And don't think I've forgotten about your little naked escapade, you currently-giant-headed-hooligan! You'll rue the day you exposed your jibblets to a government official!
STRONG BAD: Booo me!
{clock wipe to the kitchen of the House of Strong, Strong Bad enters through front door, now dressed in his own clothes}
STRONG BAD: Well, I didn't get a chance to pummel Homestar with my fists, or beat him in a race, but I did succeed in turning him into a publicly humiliated criminal fugitive without a girlfriend. And I didn't even have to use my A-K.
{Strong Bad enters the basement, Homestar is on the couch, looking sad}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, hey Strong Bad.
STRONG BAD: Homestar!? What the crap are you doing here in my hallowed halls!?
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Now that I'm a publicly humiliated criminal fugitive without a girlfriend, you're the only friend I've got, so I'm gonna go ahead and crash here for a couple of weeks or years until I put my life back together.
STRONG BAD: {pan and zoom out to an overhead shot of Strong Bad, who raises his fist to the camera} IRONY!
During Extended Play
STRONG BAD: Hey there, coach.
COACH Z: Strong Bad! Great praty!
STRONG BAD: Really?
COACH Z: {excited} Oh yeah! That was the most fun I've had in years! {suddenly depressed} Oh wait, that was the most fun I've had in years.

[edit] Coach Z → Race (first time)

STRONG BAD: Tell me more about this race of which you speak.
COACH Z: Haven't you heard? It's time for the {fanfare} Free Country USA Triannual Race to the End of the Race!
STRONG BAD: Habala what now?
COACH Z: You know, the F-C-U-T-R-E-R ! Every three years, the greatest athletes in the world gather to pit their pits against the most grueling obstacle course devised by man or beast, all in the hopes of winning the coveted {fanfare} Free Country USA Triannual Race to the End of the Race Silver Trophy of Ultimate Destiny!
STRONG BAD: You mean the F-C-U-T-R-E-R-S-T-U-D ?
COACH Z: The fuhcootrestud! Exactly!

[edit] Coach Z → Race (second time)

STRONG BAD: So all a guy has to do is win a stupid race to get that really kick awesome trophy?
COACH Z: Not even close. In order to prove themselves worthy of {speaking very quickly} the Free Country USA Triannual Race to the End of the Race Silver Trophy of Ultimate Destiny Da-da-da-daa, {fanfare} you gotta beat the best time of all the previous trophy winners.
STRONG BAD: Well that sucks. What's the best time?
COACH Z: As it just so happens, yours truly got the best time way back in 1999. Check it out. {cut to scoreboard}

[edit] Coach Z → Race (third time)

STRONG BAD: Okay, so if a guy beats your time, and everyone else's time, then he gets the trophy, right?
COACH Z: You'd thinks so, wouldn't ya? But no! After the times have been posted, I have to send a recording of the race to the Official Review Committee in Stockholm for verification. Then, and only then, is a new Free Country yadda yadda yadda {fanfare} champion crowned.
STRONG BAD: Swedes. I hate those guys.

[edit] Coach Z → Race (fourth time)

STRONG BAD: Just to summarize for all the kids playing at home, all a guy's got to do to win that trophy is: A) Win the race.
COACH Z: Check.
STRONG BAD: 2) Beat your time.
COACH Z: Yep.
STRONG BAD: And Z) {quickly} Wait for you to send in the video of the race so the results can be officially sanctioned by a bunch of meatball loving Swedes.
COACH Z: You got it.

[edit] Coach Z → Snake Boxer

{available after speaking to Marzipan about Snake Boxer}
STRONG BAD: A little bird with a baseball bat head tells me you've got my Snake Boxer 5 manual...
COACH Z: Is that what that was? I was usin' it to scrub my—
STRONG BAD: No! Shut up, shut up!
COACH Z: But then I sold it to Bubs so he could scour his—
STRONG BAD: Argh! I've heard enough!

[edit] Coach Z → Strong Bad

{not available until after Homestar leaves}
STRONG BAD: After talking to my bad buddy Homestar, I, Strong Bad, have decided to compete and dominate {fanfare} the Free Country USA Triannual Race to the End of the Race! Where's the startin' line?
COACH Z: Well now, that's going to be a bit of a problem, Strong Bad. The deadline for entering the race was over a month ago.
STRONG BAD: What?
COACH Z: In fact, there are only two official entrants in this year's race: Homestar and Pom Pom.
STRONG BAD: Not exactly a clash of the titans here, Coach.
COACH Z: Yeah. Maybe we should have put up some flyers or something.

STRONG BAD: C'mon, man. Let me in the race.
COACH Z: Rules are rules, Strong Bad. Only Homestar and Pom Pom will be allowed to compete in the {fanfare} Free Country USA Triannual Race to the End of the Race.

[edit] When Strong Bad walks near

COACH Z: I don't have time for your shenanigans, Strong Bad!

COACH Z: I wonder if I should use a splashguard for this shot?

COACH Z: You're crowded my F-stop there Strong Bad!

COACH Z: If that turtle doesn't keep running away, I'm gonna have ta put him down!

COACH Z: Stupid kids always fiddling with my dingy dang camera.

COACH Z: Gorsh, I couldn't have ordered a better day for a race!

[edit] Homestar Runner

[edit] Homestar Runner

Outside the locker room
{first time}
STRONG BAD: All right Homestar, I'm not sure why this never occurred to me before, but some French guy said I should beat you up, and I tend to think he's right! Put up your dukes!
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, hello Strong Bad. Are you here to watch the race?

{each time thereafter}
STRONG BAD: Okay, I'm back. Let the pummeling commence!
HOMESTAR RUNNER: No time for pummelling, old chum! I've got to get ready for the race!

[edit] Homestar Runner → Cancel

Outside the locker room
{before discussing the race}
STRONG BAD: Don't go nowheres, I'll be back to throttle you any minute.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: {panting} Can't— talk— must— train—

{after discussing the race}
STRONG BAD: All this race talk has intrigued me... I believe I will postpone your pummeling... for now.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Pummeling? {phone rings} Hold on, I gotta take this...
HOMESTAR RUNNER: mmm...Yes, Marzipan? Yes? Yes. Yes. Yes? Noooooo! Yes. Yes! I miss you too, puddin sack. See you after the race. Bye.
STRONG BAD: Girlfriend troubles?
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Not me, bro. Marzipan just wanted my opinion on the decorations... and the cake jugglers... and the plight of the lowlands toad weasel... and the, the... {frustrated noises} {Homestar kicks the phone across the track}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Pardon me. I'm off to the locker room to reacquire my game face. {Homestar leaves}
Inside the locker room
STRONG BAD: This place gives me the jibblies. See ya.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Fight or flight, big champ. No turning back! You made the sandwich, now step in it!

STRONG BAD: You stay here. I'll, um, be somewhere else.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Keep striving! Don't delay your dream! Work from home! Earn extra cash!

[edit] Homestar Runner → Party

Outside the locker room
{not available until after speaking about the race}
STRONG BAD: Did someone say pwaughty?
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, hecks yeah. Marzipan's putting together a huge party with floats and cake jugglers and balloonmanimals and—
STRONG BAD: And why was I, Lord High Awesomeparty, occasionally known as Strong Bad, not invited?
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Whisperingly, I don't think Marzipan likes you very much.

STRONG BAD: C'mon, that party will be deader than a million door nails without me.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: I'll see if I can get you on the list.
Inside the locker room
STRONG BAD: Not that I care, but how are the plans for your stupid moron party coming?
HOMESTAR RUNNER: I bo know ... but it's been at least 2 minutes since Marzipan called me, so I assume it's going great.

[edit] Homestar Runner → Race

{first time}
STRONG BAD: A race? You mean like a race-race, race race race?
HOMESTAR RUNNER: You haven't heard about the Free Country USA Triannual Race to the End of the Race? It's only the coolest and most important sporting event in the history of sporting events I'm about to compete in ever!
STRONG BAD: A race, eh? You know, beating you in a race would be almost as much fun as beating you senseless!
HOMESTAR RUNNER: I'd like to see you try, Strong Bad. I've been training my twees off for weeks now, and besides, Marzipan has promised me a big victory party after I win.

{second time}
STRONG BAD: Y'know I bet I could win this race!
HOMESTAR RUNNER: That's cute. Keep dreamin', tiny legs.
Inside the locker room
STRONG BAD: Ready for the big Race to the Whatever?
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Almost... I'm warmed up, showered, and plucked my eyebrows. Now I'm just going through my pre-race psyche-em-ups!

STRONG BAD: Are you ready to race yet?
HOMESTAR RUNNER: I'm not fully psyched yet. A little bit amped. Mebbe 50% riveted, but not yet quite psyched.

STRONG BAD: {gets very close to Homestar and waves his arms} Is this bothering you? I'm not touching you. Is this bothering you?
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Head in the game... stay focused, stay electric... believe the cheese!

[edit] Homestar Runner → Shower

Before giving Homestar the onions
STRONG BAD: I know exactly how to tell you this man, but you reek.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Really? I just took a power shower a few minutes ago. Let me check. {checks} Nope, I'm fresh as a biscuit. Sounds like one of those smelt/dealt situations to me.

STRONG BAD: {pleadingly} I really think you should take a shower.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: And I really think you're creepily obsessed with my personal hygiene.
After giving Homestar the onions
STRONG BAD: Man, you stink. And not in the metaphorical "you suck" kinda way, but in the literal "odors that could peel the paint off a tank" kinda way.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Seriously, Strong Bad, I find that very unlikely... {smells himself} Great Grandma's Diapers! I better hit the shower again, pronto!
{cut to shot of ceiling, Homestar's hat enters the frame}
STRONG BAD: Gah! Give me a chance to shield my eyes! Whew, if it weren't for my The Cheat-like reflexes, I would've had Homestar's nethers burned onto the backs of my eyeballs! A-jibblie-jibblie.

[edit] Homestar Runner → Snake Boxer

Outside the locker room
STRONG BAD: You wouldn't happen to know what happened to my Snake Boxer 5 manual, wouldja?
HOMESTAR RUNNER: I borrowed some of it from Strong Sad to read on the train. And by train I mean toilet.
STRONG BAD: Gross!
HOMESTAR RUNNER: But then I gave it to Marzipan for some papier machapier project she's working on! {-ier is pronounced as in French}
STRONG BAD: Grosser!

[edit] Onions → Homestar Runner

STRONG BAD: Hey, Homestar. You wanna know how to really win the race?
HOMESTAR RUNNER: How?
STRONG BAD: Onions!
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Onions?
STRONG BAD: No, really. An old, um, gypsy track coach told me that the secret to running was using all natural onion deodorant! Simply rub it all over your bad self and feel the fastiness flow through ya!
HOMESTAR RUNNER: {rubbing onions all over his bad self} Oooh, those onions glide on smooth and clear. Wow, thanks Strong Bad! I feel like I could take on the world!
STRONG BAD: Yeah— {coughs} especially if the world is— {coughs} downwind! Phew!

[edit] When Strong Bad walks near

Outside the locker room
HOMESTAR RUNNER: 32... 33... 12... 97... 6...

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {singing to the tune of the Chariots of Fire theme} Do do-do do dooo dooo, do do-do do dooo...

HOMESTAR RUNNER: A one potato, two potato, three potato, four.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: I must, I must, I must improve my bust.
Inside the locker room
HOMESTAR RUNNER: No whammies... no whammies... no whammies...

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Clamblueocean... clamblueocean... clamblueocean...

HOMESTAR RUNNER: #&%@!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Rubberbabybuggybumpers... Rubberbabybuggybumpers...

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Ohwattagoosiam... Ohwattagoosiam...

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Booooonk!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Look at me! Don't look at me! Look at me now!
When Homestar is in the shower
HOMESTAR RUNNER: {singing} Soapy scrubbin' shower fun, tum tummy tum tummy tum tum tum...

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {singing a major triad plus octave} Do do-do do dooo dooo...

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {singing} Look out world, I'm an independent girl...

[edit] Leaving the Scene

After stealing Homestar's Clothes
{Also happens if Strong Bad walks past the nearer set of bleachers}
{Locker room door creaks open, Homestar sticks his head out}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: {softly} Strong Bad? Buddy? {camera zooms out} Oh boy...
{Homestar steps out of the locker room, naked}
COACH Z: {cut to Coach Z, flinching} Whoa mamma!
THE KING OF TOWN: {cut to The King of Town, his crown popping up in surprise, fleeing} Ieee!
POM POM: {cut back to Homestar, Pom Pom is hiding behind a nearby bush, then flees} {bubbles}
{Homestar runs off screen}

[edit] Locker Room

[edit] Coach Z's Door

When the office is empty
STRONG BAD: Even if it weren't locked, I'd rather not go into Coach Z's office, or the Temple of Butt-Pattery, as it's come to be known.

STRONG BAD: Coach Z keeps his office locked while he's out on the track.
When Coach Z is in the office
COACH Z: Strong Bad! What can I do for you this fine and dandy afternoon?

COACH Z: Well if it isn't Strong Bad, what can I do ya for?

COACH Z: What is it Strong Bad? Pom Pom and I have a lot of forms to fill out before we send the race footage off to the Swedes.
POM POM: {bubbles}

COACH Z: What is it now, Strong Bad? Those Swedes ain't gettin' any blonder you know.
POM POM: {bubbles}
When Coach Z is in the office and while wearing the Homestar Costume
STRONG BAD: {imitating Homestar} Hewwo Coach- {is cut off}
COACH Z: I don't have time for losers, Homestar. First place is the 7th guest, I always say!
{Coach Z closes the door}
After Strong Bad has framed Pom Pom
COACH Z: What do you want, Strong Bad? Isn't it enough that you've exposed the most brilliant athlete of his time as a fraud and a cheat, disillusioning an entire generation of fans, and... admirers? {Sobs} Ohh, bork-bork-bork-bork-bork! {Slams the door}

COACH Z: {Through the door} Go... go away!

[edit] Coach Z → Trophy

STRONG BAD: So have you given Pom Pom his stinkin' trophy yet?
COACH Z: You mean the Silver Trophy of Ultimate Destiny? Nope. Pom Pom and I still have to fill out a few forms before sending the tape of the race off to the Swedes for approval. Only then will the winner of the {fanfare} Race to the End of the Race be declared.
STRONG BAD: Seems kinda... unnecessarily complicated.
COACH Z: Don't blame me, blame those Swedish fish loving Swedish judges!

STRONG BAD: Where is that video tape, anyway?
COACH Z: Oh, I left it in the camera out at the track. It should be safe there.

[edit] Coach Z → Cancel

STRONG BAD: Catch ya later, Coach.
COACH Z: Bye now.

STRONG BAD: See ya later, Coach.
COACH Z: Drop by anytime.

STRONG BAD: Sorry to bother you.
COACH Z: Always a pleasure, String Bad.

[edit] Coach Z → Coach Z → Angel

STRONG BAD: I gotta admit, everyone seems really impressed with the way you've administered the race.
COACH Z: Really?
STRONG BAD: Oh yes. The King of Town himself said you've been considerably less incompetent than usual!
COACH Z: Gorsh!

STRONG BAD: How'd you get Pom Pom to run so fast?
COACH Z: Well, it's a story of commitment, guts, nerve, talent, discipline, guts, jalapenos, what was I talking about again?
STRONG BAD: Never mind. Good job.
COACH Z: Thanks!

[edit] Coach Z → Coach Z → Devil

STRONG BAD: Did you really put together this year's Race to the End of the Race all by yourself?
COACH Z: Well, yes I—
STRONG BAD: 'Cause that would explain why it was so brain-gougingly lame!
COACH Z: Hey!

STRONG BAD: Did you train Homestar?
COACH Z: Yeah—
STRONG BAD: Ah, no wonder he stumbled all over the course like a prom queen at 3 AM.
COACH Z: Hey!

STRONG BAD: I can't believe you trained Pom Pom!
COACH Z: Why?
STRONG BAD: Because he's so fast! The only way a guy could get so fast with you training him is if he was on some kinda super-steroid... or maybe if he was actually a robot... or maybe a robot on steroids!
COACH Z: Hey, there ain't no roided out androids in my locker room, buddy!

[edit] Coach Z → Total Load

Only available if Strong Bad has planted Total Load in at least one locker
Introduction (doesn't depend on which lockers contain Total Load)
STRONG BAD: So Coach, what do you have to say about all those rumors of performance enhancing powders, juices and, um, snack cakes being snarfed up by your athletes.
COACH Z: What do I say? I say you've got a lot of nerve waggling your talk tongue at me like that! In fact, I'll prove my guys are clean by searching through their lockers right now!

STRONG BAD: I hate to say it Coach, but I hear the Swedes aren't happy about those Total Load rumors...
COACH Z: What do they want, blood? Fine, I'll search through the lockers again! Stupid paranoid Swedes, insulting a man's integrities...
Searching Lockers, if Strong Mad's locker contains Total Load
{Coach Z walks out to the lockers, and opens Strong Mad's first}
COACH Z: Aw jeez... Hey Strong Mad!
{Strong Mad drops down from the ceiling}
STRONG MAD: OH YEAHHHH!
COACH Z: What have I told you about using this Total Load Total Body Energy Enhancer Powder stuff?
STRONG MAD: ONLY ON TUESDAYS!
COACH Z: And what day is it today?
STRONG MAD: UHH... HAPPY NEW YEAR!
COACH Z: Close enough. Now get this stuff outta here, okay?
STRONG MAD: AULD LANG SYNE!
{Strong Mad jumps up into the ceiling}
COACH Z: Now that is one smart kid. {walks back to his office} Thanks for clearing that up, Strong Bad. Who knows what kinda whatsit-storm Strong Mad woulda unleashed if he went off his schedule!
Searching Lockers, if only Pom Pom's locker contains Total Load
If Strong Bad has not beat Coach Z's time
COACH Z: {walks out to lockers, checking Strong Mad's first} Let's see ... nope, nothing in here, next {checks Homestar's} whew, that's a ripe one, next {checks Pom Pom's} hey now, what's this powder here? {sniffs}
COACH Z: What in Cypress Hill? Pom Pom! {Pom Pom comes out of the office} Now I expect this kind of unsportsmanlike behavior from The Chort—
{cut to a scene outside, The Cheat stands with a brown paper bag labelled Coach Z, in which he places a cartoon-style bomb}
THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises}
COACH Z: But I thought you were made of sterner fluff!
POM POM: {bubbles}
COACH Z: Don't play innocent with me! I know the sweet, seductive flavor of Total Load Total Body Enhancement Energy Powder when I taste it.
POM POM: {bubbles crossly}
COACH Z: No no, I've seen enough. The Swedes'll never accept a time from a contestant who's on the Load. Clean out your locker, Pom Pom, you're through!
POM POM: {bubbles}
COACH Z: {Standing at the door of the locker room} Well, it looks like I'm still the Race to the End of the Race champeen. Too bad Homestar was such a loser. With Pom Pom disqualified, he actually might have had a chance...
STRONG BAD: Yes, it is too bad... wait, what am I talking about?
If Strong Bad has beat Coach Z's time
COACH Z: {walks out to lockers, checking Strong Mad's first} Let's see ... nope, nothing in here, next {checks Homestar's} whew, that's a moist one, next {checks Pom Pom's} hey now, what's this powder here? {sniffs}
COACH Z: Great Strong Sad's ghost! Pom Pom! {Pom Pom comes out of the office} What have you got to say for yourself?
POM POM: {Bubbles}
COACH Z: Don't give me none o' that bubble-debubble nonsense! I know the irresistably succulent aroma of Total Load Total Body Enhancement Energy Powder when I smell it!
POM POM: {Bubbles crossly}
COACH Z: No no, it's too late for that, my friend. The Swedes'll never accept a time from a contestant who's on the Load. Clean out your locker, Pom Pom, you're through!
POM POM: {Bubbles}
COACH Z: {Walking back to his office} Well I'll be gorsh-danged Homestar. With Pom Pom disqualified, it looks like you're the the new Free Country USA Triannual Race to the End of the Race champion! Who'da thunk it?
STRONG BAD: Not me. My tiny Homestar bwain can barewy think at all.
COACH Z: Well, let's get to filling out those forms for the Swedes... I hope the tape doesn't get erased this time. {Both enter his office}
{clock wipe to extreme close up of Strong Bad, dressed as Homestar}
THE KING OF TOWN: Homestar, it is my honor as The King of Town to award you this Silver Trophy of Ultimate Destiny for your spectacular performance in the {fanfare} Free Country USA Triannual Race to the End of the Race! {hands Strong Bad the trophy}
STRONG BAD: {imitating Homestar} Today, I consider myself, the luckiest dork on the face of this Eawth.
THE KING OF TOWN: And, that's a wrap, where's my limo at? {Record scratch}
COACH Z: Hey, where's that turtle goin'!?
STRONG BAD: That's it? Where's the marching bands? The hot babes? The endorsements? Man, sports suck!

[edit] Exploration Trophy

STRONG BAD: It's a trophy from the local chapter of Easter Egg Sticklers, celebrating my 'Commitment to Obsessive Exploration.' {chokes up} I always knew... my love of randomly clicking things would pay off... someday...

[edit] Hedge Trophy

STRONG BAD: "The J. Rod Relichoff Trophy for Exceptional Hustle in Hedge Clipping." Well, that's pretty cool. Sorta. I guess.

[edit] Homestar Runner's Locker

While Homestar is showering
STRONG BAD: Let this be a lesson, kids. Always shower with your clothes on, or someone — meaning me — will steal them.
When locker has police ribbon
STRONG BAD: Looks like Homestar's locker has been sealed up by the fuzz after all that indecent exposuring.

STRONG BAD: I better not open it. The Man gets mighty upset when you mess with his pretty yellow ribbons.

[edit] Pom Pom's Locker

When it contains Pom Pom's bag
STRONG BAD: Let's see: full-length mirror, stunner shades, three-thousand dollar velvet training bag— yup, this must be Pom Pom's locker, all right.

STRONG BAD: Even Pom Pom's locker is a bachelor pad! I think there's even a hot tub in here somewhere.

STRONG BAD: Jeez, even Pom Pom's exercise bag has rims.

STRONG BAD: I'd take the bag, but Pom Pom's probably got it all lowjacked up.
When empty
STRONG BAD: Hmmm, Coach Z wasn't kidding when he told Pom Pom to clean out his locker. I could eat dinner off this thing.

[edit] Nuisance Trophy

STRONG BAD: It's the "2008 Public Nuisance Invitational Trophy - Freestyle Division," awarded for being an extreme pain-in-the-twees. THAT MAKES ME SO ANGRY! Whoa, I guess I even make myself angry...

[edit] Showers

When empty
STRONG BAD: Those are Coach Z's gym showers, a.k.a. Home of a Thousand and One Humiliations.

STRONG BAD: Personally, I'm more of a bubble bath kinda guy. A few scented candles, a glass of Chateau Boulanche, a luffa glove— sorry, kinda lost myself for a second there.
While Homestar is showering
STRONG BAD: Hey, Homestank! Don't forget to wash where the sun don't shine!
HOMESTAR RUNNER: I'm waaay ahead of you, S-B!

STRONG BAD: If I know my Homestar, he'll be in there for hours.

[edit] Strong Mad's Locker → Strong Mad's Lunchbox

STRONG BAD: Looks like Strong Mad forgot his Limozeen: But They're In Space lunchbox again.

STRONG BAD: Normally I take everything that's not bolted down, but the last time I came between Strong Mad and his lunch he put my uvula in a sleeper hold.

[edit] Strong Sad Trophy

STRONG BAD: According to the barely legible scribbles on this trophy, this has been awarded to me for my noble efforts to get Strong Sad out of the house.
STRONG SAD: {appears in the shower} It's good for my asthma!
STRONG BAD: Yeah, yeah. Sucks to your asthmar!
STRONG SAD: {wheezes and walks out of view}

[edit] Total Load → Homestar's Locker

STRONG BAD: Planting performance-enhancing powder in Homestar's locker IS suitably diabolical... but there's no way I'm messing with the sanctity of that police ribbon.

STRONG BAD: No way, man! The po-po'll be all over me if I mess with that police ribbon, and I am NOT going back to the joint!

[edit] Total Load → Pom Pom's Bag

STRONG BAD: I'll just sprinkle some of this illegal performance enhancing energy powder in Pom Pom's exercise bag... not that his performance really needs enhancing.

STRONG BAD: If I give Pom Pom any more performance enhancers, he'll probably explode or something.

[edit] Total Load → Strong Mad's Lunchbox

{First time only}
STRONG BAD: Putting performance enhancing energy powder in Strong Mad's lunch pail is kinda like taping a firecracker to an atomic bomb, but what the heck... {pours some Total Load next to the lunchbox}

STRONG BAD: I think I've wasted enough of my nebulously limited stash of Total Load Total Body Enhancement Energy Powder already.

[edit] Trophy Case

STRONG BAD: That's Coach Z's trophy case, where all sorts of frightening and obscure achievements are celebrated.

[edit] Track

[edit] Curdled Milk

When Coach Z is present
COACH Z: Don't touch that curdle...d milk!
When Coach Z is gone
STRONG BAD: {grunts} Whoa, this quart of milk is surprisingly heavy! Must be some curds!

[edit] Dirt Pile

STRONG BAD: Awesome.

STRONG BAD: Intriguing.

STRONG BAD: Whoa.

STRONG BAD: Not so intriguing.

[edit] Heavy Lourde

[edit] Heavy Lourde

While Coach Z is present
STRONG BAD: Hey Coach Z! What's this heavy lourde for?
COACH Z: That's for the second leg of the Race to the End of the Race: {fanfare} The Pogo-Stick-While-Carrying-A-Heavy-Lourde leg!
STRONG BAD: Ah yes, of course. How silly of me.

STRONG BAD: Boy, that looks heavy— of course, that could just be because it says "heavy" on it.
COACH Z: No, it's really heavy all right.
STRONG BAD: Oh.
While Coach Z is gone, before adding balloons
(Strong Bad attempts to lift the Heavy Lourde. He fails.)
STRONG BAD: This thing's heavier than one of Strong Sad's one-act plays.
While Coach Z is gone, after adding balloons
STRONG BAD: {looks at the balloon tied to the Lourde} I hope no one sees through my clever plan to lighten the lourde.

[edit] Balloons → Heavy Lourde

When Coach Z is present
COACH Z: Hey! Don't go finaglin' with the purity of the Race to the End of the Race!
When Coach Z is gone
STRONG BAD: Why so grim, Heavy Lourde? You really should lighten up!

[edit] Hurdle

When Coach Z is present
COACH Z: Don't touch that hurdle!
When Coach Z is gone
STRONG BAD: {grunts} Jeez, this is some heavy metal. Must be made out of osmium or manganese... or Black Sabbath.

[edit] Jela-Ton©

STRONG BAD: Thanks to the magic of Fluffy Puff Jela-Ton, this tub is now a magnet for sorority hazing rituals.

[edit] Jela-Ton© → Water

STRONG BAD: Hey, now there's an idea! Everyone loves Jela-Ton! I'll just open this envelope— {opens envelope and pours it into the water} Hmm, this might take a while. Hey, The Cheat!
THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises}
STRONG BAD: Take these 143 bags of powdered gelatin, and get to mixing!
THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises}
STRONG BAD: {singing} When it's done, it's tons of fun, J-E-L a-Ton!
GEL-ARSHIE: {appears out of nowhere} DON'T SING MY SONG!
STRONG BAD: Wah! {camera pans showing Jela-Ton filled pool} Wow, you're a mixing machine, The Cheat!
THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises}

[edit] Log

Before adding Jela-Ton
STRONG BAD: I wonder how many ancient redwoods had to be sacrificed to produce this log? Oh wait, that's right... one.

STRONG BAD: That log looks really spinny!
After adding Jela-Ton
STRONG BAD: That log's free-wheeling rotational days are over, baby.

[edit] Pogo Stick

When Coach Z is present
COACH Z: Hey, don't be fiddlin' with that pogoliaci stick!
When Coach Z is gone
STRONG BAD: If I knew a little bit more about physics, or springs, or "dynamic torque displacement curves", I might be able to soup up this wimpy pogo stick. Buuut, I don't.

[edit] Race Start

STRONG BAD: I guess a little practice wouldn't hurt.

STRONG BAD: I could do this all day.

[edit] Turtle

When Coach Z is present
COACH Z: Don't touch that turtle!
When Coach Z is gone
STRONG BAD: {grunts} Man, this rare Archipelagopalos Turtle is heavy!

[edit] Water

STRONG BAD: That's a big ol' tub of H2O, just like momma used to make.

[edit] Trackside

[edit] Camera

When Coach Z is present
COACH Z: Hey, don't mess with that camera! It's a sensitive instrument!

COACH Z: Stop fiddling with that jangle!
When Coach Z is gone
STRONG BAD: Hmmm... looks like Coach Z left the official tape of the Race to the End of the Universe, er, Race, in here. I wonder what'll happen if I mash this button? {pushes the button marked "Do Not Push"; A brief hiss is heard, and smoke is emitted from the camcorder} That smoke looks like my cue to... hide.
COACH Z: All right then, I'll just uneventfully send that tape off to the Swedes, and— Bruce Jenner's tube socks! What the heck happened to my tape? Without a phat tape of the race, I've got no official results! Guess we'll just have to re-run the race then! Now where'd Homestar run orf to?
STRONG BAD: That was easy.

STRONG BAD: I wonder if this'll work again.
{Strong Bad presses the button, the camcorder hisses and emits smoke}
COACH Z: Okay now, let's nonchalantly send that tape off to the Swedes, and — aw crinkles, not again! Homestar! We're running it again!

COACH Z: I'll just happily-go-luckily grab that tape, and— aw, I shoulda known... Homestar!
STRONG BAD: It's a good thing that Coach Z doesn't actually, you know, learn things from his past experiences...
{Continue to The Race section below}

[edit] The Race

Race Introduction:
If Pom Pom is in the race
{First time only}
THE KING OF TOWN: {fanfare} Welcome to the Free Country USA Triannual Race to the End of the Race! Waitaminute, didn't I just do this a few hours ago?
COACH Z: {whispering} It's a long story.
COACH Z: Okay, Pom Pom, you're up first!
THE KING OF TOWN: One for the honey, two for the dough, three to eat cheddar, and four to Go!
POM POM: {bounces off}
COACH Z: Holy gorsh! Five-point-three seconds again! Ain't nobody gonna beat that time! Homestar?
THE KING OF TOWN: Eenie meenie kidney beanie— Go!
{Strong Bad runs the race}

THE KING OF TOWN: Welcome (once again) to the Free Country USA Triannual Race to the End of the Race!
COACH Z: Pom Pom?
THE KING OF TOWN: One, two, three, four, I eclair a petit four! Go!
POM POM: {bounces off}
COACH Z: Let me see... yup, five-point-three seconds again. You're a machine, Pom Pom! Homestar?
THE KING OF TOWN: On your blah, blah, blah, just GO already!
{Strong Bad runs the race}
If Pom Pom is not in the race
THE KING OF TOWN: Welcome to the Free Country USA Triannual Race to the End of the Race! Ooh, deja vu.
COACH Z: Okay Homestar, since Pom Pom turned out to be on the juice, you're the only entrant. All you have to do beat my time, and the trophy's all yours.
STRONG BAD: {imitating Homestar} I'll try not to be so slow and low this time, I pwomise.
THE KING OF TOWN: On your sets... get marked... Go!
{Strong Bad runs the race}

THE KING OF TOWN: Welcome... again... to the Triurinal Free Something or Nother Race to the End of the End of the End nom nom {begins eating ChocoOpps}
COACH Z: You ready, Homestar?
STRONG BAD: I was born weady, Coach!
COACH Z: And I was born greeny, now get out there!
THE KING OF TOWN: {still chomping heavily} nom nom... what? Oh. Go.
{Strong Bad runs the race}
Race Results:
If Strong Bad loses, before discrediting Pom Pom or rigging the course
COACH Z: Well, that was a pantload. Come on, Pom Pom, let's go back to filling out those forms. I think we're almost to the "Embarrasing Medical Questions" part. My favorite!
POM POM: {bubbles}
THE KING OF TOWN: I get paid for doing this again, right?
STRONG BAD: I'll never win this blankety-blank trophy with Pom Pom blankety-blanking things up!
If Strong Bad loses, after discrediting Pom Pom but before rigging the course
COACH Z: That was just plain sad, Homestar. Well, looks like the trophy's mine for another three years... {walks off, singing to himself} Doot do-do doo, dooo do-do doo.
THE KING OF TOWN: Can I go home now?
STRONG BAD: This race is rigged, or, should be rigged!
If Strong Bad loses, before discrediting Pom Pom but after rigging the course
COACH Z: That was even more embarrassing than usual.
POM POM: {Bubbles}
COACH Z: Let's go get those forms ready for the Swedes, Pom Pom. I think "Restroom Habits" is next — a real page-turner! {They leave}
THE KING OF TOWN: I'm done here, right? {Leaves}
STRONG BAD: Well, the track's all The Cheated up in my favor, but I've still gotta eliminate Pom Pom and his stupid unbeatable time.
If Strong Bad loses, after discrediting Pom Pom and rigging the course
COACH Z: Ooh, that was close, Homestar, but you didn't beat my time. Looks like that trophy's mine for another three years. {Singing while walking off} Oh, number one competition is none...
THE KING OF TOWN: Well, that ol' cheesecake's a-callin' my name!
STRONG BAD: That sucked. I'd better polish up my awesome racing skills before trying that again.
If Strong Bad beats Coach Z's time after the course has been rigged, but before Pom Pom has been discredited
COACH Z: Hey, whattaya know, Homestar, you actually beat my time! Great jorb! Unfortunately, Pom Pom's five-point-three seconds is better than you'll EVER do.
POM POM: {Bubbles}
COACH Z: Come on, Pom Pom. Let's go fill out those forms for the Swedes. {They leave}
KING OF TOWN: Ooo, Swedes. I could really go for some meatballs right now. Or some inexpensive but stylish furniture! {Leaves}
STRONG BAD: Freakin' Pom Pom and his boring physical superiority! {Vengeful} I'll get him if it's the next thing I do!
If Strong Bad wins
COACH Z: Hey what do you know Homestar, you actually beat my time! Good for you!
STRONG BAD: {out of breath} I owe... {gasps} it all... {gasps} to clean... {gasps} living...
COACH Z: And with that dirty no-good cheating Pom Pom disqualamafied, that makes you the winner of–of–of–Heya! {cut to The King of Town, who is standing next to the starting line asleep}
THE KING OF TOWN: {snore} What? {crown popping up in surprise} Oh yes, {very quickly} the {fanfare} Free Country USA Triannual Race to the End of the Raaace!
COACH Z: Let's go fill out those forms.
THE KING OF TOWN: Um, am I done now?
{clock wipe to extreme close up of Strong Bad, dressed as Homestar}
THE KING OF TOWN: Homestar, it is my honor as The King of Town to award you this Silver Trophy of Ultimate Destiny for your spectacular performance in the {fanfare} Free Country USA Triannual Race to the End of the Race! {hands Strong Bad the trophy}
STRONG BAD: {imitating Homestar} Today, I consider myself, the luckiest dork on the face of this Eawth.
THE KING OF TOWN: And, that's a wrap, where's my limo at?
COACH Z: Hey, where's that turtle goin'!?
STRONG BAD: That's it? Where's the marching bands? The hot babes? The endorsements? Man, sports suck!
{Note: Pressing the "quit it" button during the race has the same effect as losing}

[edit] Cell Phone

{not available until Homestar leaves}
STRONG BAD: {Strong Bad picks up the phone} Homestar's cell phone is finally mine! Now I can — change all his speed dials? Mwah-hah-haaah?

[edit] Coupons

STRONG BAD: What's this? {picks up a coupon and reads} "Free Candy Coupon". "Do you love candy?" {looks at camera} Do I! {reading} "Want to savor the sweet taste of victory long after the Race to the End of the Race is over?" {pauses and flips coupon over} Then come on down to Bubs Concession Stand with the coupon, and receive a free box of awesome—" {pauses and flips the coupon over} "—candy. Limit one per customer. Void—" {pauses and flips the coupon over again} "—where prohibited". I love candy! I'm saving this baby for later! {pockets the coupon; after a short pause, looks around, then takes the entire stack of coupons}

[edit] Hedge

[edit] Hedge

Before trimming
STRONG BAD: Wow, who would have thought that Coach Z of all people would have really depressing shrubs.
After trimming
STRONG BAD: That is one handsome hedge! I bet hot trees will be uprooting themselves all over the place to make out with Hedge-Flex Strong Bad.

STRONG BAD: Beautiful! Amazing! Four Stars! The Feel-Good Hedge of the Summer! My thumb is up with a lot of admiration!

[edit] Hedge Shears → Hedge

STRONG BAD: It's time for you to sweat off a few of those excess pounds, hedge boy! {trims the hedge into a more muscular version of himself} Taaadaaa!

[edit] Microphone

When Coach Z is present
COACH Z: Hey! Don't go messin' with my booming system.
When Coach Z is gone
STRONG BAD: Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm hand, to the receptacle of dreams, master of laser beams, Strong Bad! {mustache falls out of left-most speaker} {imitates a crowd} Raaah! StrongBadILoveYou! StrongBadILoveYouToo! AhhStrongBadI'mpullingherhair! AahI'mscratchingherface!

STRONG BAD: Check, check one... syllabus... syllabus... curriculum... curriculum.

[edit] Mustache

STRONG BAD: Ooh, a cool old-timey mustache! I'll just store this in my portable virtual photo booth wardrobe for future use.

[edit] Scoreboard

{Before racing}
STRONG BAD: Hmm, looks like Coach Z's got the time to beat.
{After winning}
STRONG BAD: In your face, Swedes!

[edit] Shovel → Treasure Marker

STRONG BAD: And now, for our next event, the 100 meter dig to China! {digs} Whoa! Xie xie! Another Teen Girl Squad idea card, another totally not metal object. Niice work, Detector.

[edit] Speaker

STRONG BAD: {left speaker only} Hey, I think there's something wedged up in Coach Z's no-fi speakers. Or maybe it's a sunspot.

STRONG BAD: All the muffling in the world won't make those speakers sound any better.

[edit] Stands

STRONG BAD: These stands are emptier than a Stryper Concert.

STRONG BAD: I wonder if these stands will magically fill up by the time the race starts.

[edit] Treasure Marker

STRONG BAD: I wonder what kind of horrible, disturbing secrets Coach Z's got buried under here?

[edit] Trophy

STRONG BAD: That's one cretaceously big trophy.
COACH Z: It dang well should be. That's the Silver Trophy of Ultimate Destiny, {fanfare} awarded to the winner of the Free Country USA Triannual Race to the End of the Race!
STRONG BAD: Of course it is.

STRONG BAD: I'd just take the trophy, but it appears to be held down by, um, gravity.

STRONG BAD: Oh, hello there, Trophy Sue. You will be mine. Or Homestar's. Whatever.
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