Homestar Ruiner Teen Girl Squad

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"Which one of you will get trampled by a falling Venus flytrap today?"

The girls attend a basketball game in order to flirt with athletes.

Cast: Cheerleader, So and So, What's Her Face, The Ugly One, Arrow'd Guy, Rats, Gangsters, Leonard, Basketballa, Robotic Penguin, Mayor, Medusa

Contents

[edit] Transcript (Scene 1)

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: Teen Girl Squad! Cheerleader! {college boys!!} So and So! {mathlete boys!!} What's Her Face! {any boys!!} The Ugly One! {shrimp po'boys!}

CHEERLEADER: Okay gals and gal-related girls! We fit to look...

SO AND SO and WHAT'S HER FACE: ...so-o good!

THE UGLY ONE: The-e same!

CHEERLEADER: ...at the Sub-JV basketball game tonight. All the cute boypieces will be there, and maybe sloppy seconds for you!

{At this point, the player is allowed to give two items to any of the girls, each of which has different effects (see below.)}

[edit] Transcript (Scene 2)

{The girls walk outside under a sun with fangs.}

ONE OF THE GIRLS: Walking is like a fashion show for shoes!

{At this point, the player can pick two more items.}

[edit] Transcript (Scene 3)

{A beefy arm appears with "LATER, AT THE GAME!" written on it.}

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: LATER, AT THE GAME!

{The girls stand in front of a basketball player.}

BASKETBALL PLAYER: Uh oh, girltypes. Gotta look good despite my hairless legs. Nothin impresses like a chest pass.

{He throws the ball over the girls' heads. The ball catches fire as he does.}

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: He's on fiyah!

[edit] If a girl has a hairspray cloud

{The girl is torched.}

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: FUNDAMENTALS! {chuckles}

{The girl dies and is unselectable after this point.}

{After scene 3, three items can be chosen.}

[edit] Results

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: It's over!!

[edit] If no girls died

STRONG BAD: Uh, that was inexcusably infunny. I can't let the guys at the snooty independent record store see that! Negative ten points. Maybe I should try combining some of my ideas on the same girl, or maybe work on my comedic timing.

[edit] If one girl died

STRONG BAD: Erg. Zero points.

[edit] If two or three girls died

STRONG BAD: All right, all right, it's gettin' there, but it still needs more sugar. And by "sugar" I mean grisly deaths. Ooh! Or grizzly deaths! Twelve points.

[edit] All four girls died or one girl survived with one girl dying a major death

STRONG BAD: Acceptable. Not quite too-hot-for-looseleaf just yet though. Thirty-three... no, thirty-eight points.

[edit] All four girls died with at least one dying a major death or one girl survives with the other 3 dying major deaths

STRONG BAD: I crack myself up! Da-ha! Listen to me crack myself up! Two hundred and eleven points!

[edit] All four girls died major deaths

STRONG BAD: Perfection! Those teen girls didn't know what hit, crushed, eviscerated, digested, or household appliance'd them! Five thousand big points!

[edit] Item Effects

NOTE: "Girl" means the recipient of the item, if the reaction is not character-specific.

[edit] Basketball

[edit] Scenes 1 or 2

GIRL: I can practice my moves on this basketball. Oh hey Baksketballa, I know it's the wrong sport, but we can still get to first base.

{Arrow'd Guy appears in a referee's uniform and shoots arrows at the ball.}

ARROW'D GUY: YOU DON'T GOT NEXT!

{The ball deflates.}

GIRL: Aww...

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: {sounds of disapproval}

[edit] Scene 3

{The girl gives the basketball to Baksketballa.}

GIRL: Hey Basketballa. I made thi-bought this for you.

BAKSKETBALLA: Sweet! Watch my white layup drills!

{He throws the girl and the ball through the hoop.}

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: Triple-doubled!! {chuckles}

{The girl dies and is unselectable after this point.}

[edit] Kissyface

[edit] Scenes 1 or 2

GIRL: Plant one on me Baksketballa!

OTHER GIRL: Who are you talking to?

GIRL: Oh, uh, that's what I'd say... if a boy was here.

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: {sounds of disapproval}

NOTE: The "other girl's" line will be a few seconds of silence if all other girls are killed off before this point.

[edit] Scene 3, without Perfume

GIRL: Plant one on me Baksketballa. I like the way you dribble up and down the court!

BASKETBALLA: Coach says girls are a detriment to my gameface and I should spend more time in the showers.

{Basketballa lifts his arm, and the girl becomes nauseous.}

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: Teen boy stink! {sounds of disapproval}

[edit] Scene 3, with Perfume

GIRL: Plant one on me Baksketballa. I like the way you dribble up and down the court!

BASKETBALLA: Coach says girls are a detriment to my gameface and I should spend more time in the showers.

{Basketballa lifts his arm, and the girl becomes nauseous. A huge cloud engulfs the girl.}

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: Teen boy stink! Perfume stank + athletic stonk...

GIRL: Urkgh!

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: ...equals Cl-CH2-CH2-S-CH2-CH2-Cl... more commonly known as mustard gas.

GIRL: Oh the chemistry!!

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: {chuckles}

{The girl dies and is unselectable after this point.}

[edit] Perfume

GIRL: Boys love Pubescence Perfume. Accentuate the awkward!

{Girl now has "scent lines" indicating the presence of perfume.}

[edit] Mirror

[edit] Scenes 1 or 3, or Scene 2 if not tanned

GIRL: Gotta make sure my cover-up isn't flaking. Nope, horrible scarring acne is safely concealed.

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: {sounds of disapproval}

[edit] Scene 2 if tanned

GIRL: Gotta make sure my cover-up isn't flaking. Nope, horrible scarring acne is safely concealed.

{A beam of light reflects off the mirror and fries the girl.}

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: Alternative energy source'd!

{The girl is reduced to a skeleton.}

GIRL: This is so good for the environment!

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: {chuckles}

{The girl dies and is unselectable after this point.}

[edit] Suntan Lotion

GIRL: Better put on some somescreen. Ooh, SPF negative fifty!

{Girl is now tanned.}

[edit] Hairspray

GIRL: Cover your lungs, everyone. I gotta crisp these bangs up with some Ozone Killa Hairspray.

{Girl has a cloud over her head to indicate hairspray.}

[edit] Ringtone

GIRL: This new Brainkreig ringtone is hawt!

RINGTONE: Jugga jigga wugga! Ding-doodling-doodle-ding!

{A rat pokes his head in.}

RAT: Oh dang. Was that Brainkreig? I love cheese. I mean Brainkreig.

{A rat now sits at the girl's feet.}

[edit] Text msg

[edit] If girl does not have a rat

RINGTONE: Ding-doodling-doodle-ding!

GIRL: It's a text msg! Mby it's a BOY! No, jst mm.

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: {sounds of disapproval}

[edit] If girl does have a rat

RINGTONE: Jugga jigga wugga! Ding doodling-doodle-ding!

{A rat pokes his head in.}

GIRL: It's a text msg! Mby it's a BOY! No, jst mm.

{The rats trample the girl.}

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: RATS LIKE METAL! ...Apparently.

{The rats scamper off, leaving the girl on the ground with marks and footprints all over her.}

GIRL: Does this mean I can get outta my contract?

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: {chuckles}

{The girl dies and is unselectable after this point.}

[edit] Car

[edit] Any girl except What's Her Face, any scene

GIRL: My real dad just bought me a new car because he felt guilty about all the wrongs he done. But then he gave it to his 22-year-old girlfriend. Stupid Kaitlin.

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: {sounds of disapproval}

[edit] What's Her Face, Scene 1 or 2

WHAT'S HER FACE: My real dad just bought me a new car because he felt guilty about all the wrongs he done.

{Cut to What's Her Face near the car, which is styled as an early-1900s car.}

WHAT'S HER FACE: He bought it at a guh'ment auction!

{What's Her Face gets in the car and drives a little. Then it explodes.}

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: A splode!

{Cut to two gangsters standing nearby.}

FIRST GANGSTER: Mr. Pagliogaglioleri will be very pleased.

SECOND GANGSTER: Nuts.

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: {laughs}

{What's Her Face dies and is unselectable after this point.}

[edit] What's Her Face, scene 3

WHAT'S HER FACE: My real dad just bought me a new car because he felt guilty about all the wrongs he done.

WHAT'S HER FACE: S'pose I should've brought that up before we walked 12 miles to get here.

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: {sounds of disapproval}

[edit] Book

[edit] Any girl except So and So

GIRL: This book is 3 wks overdue!

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: {sounds of disapproval}

[edit] So and So

SO AND SO: Sports is boring. Books are a world in my brain!

{She imagines Moby Dick.}

MOBY DICK: I guess I, like, represent symbolism and stuff?

{Moby Dick eats So and So's upper body.}

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: Cliff noted!

SO AND SO: That's not real learning!

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: {laughs}

{So and So dies and is unselectable after this point.}

[edit] Candy bar

[edit] Any girl except The Ugly One

GIRL: Eww! This candy bar has real milk in it! {tosses the bar aside} And a nutrition!

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: {sounds of disapproval}

[edit] The Ugly One, Scenes 1 or 2

THE UGLY ONE: Yum! A brown candy bar! This was gonna be my lunch, but then I had Skittles instead.

{A fish jumps up and eats the candy bar out of The Ugly One's hand.}

FISH: GRREEEOOOW!

THE UGLY ONE: Aw, Leonard. Not again!

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: {sounds of disapproval}

[edit] The Ugly One, Scene 3

THE UGLY ONE: I snuck this brown candy bar past concession stand security!

{A robotic penguin shows up and zaps The Ugly One with a laser.}

ROBOTIC PENGUIN: GuesswhatVOIP! Not on my watch, The Ugly One! {He notices the candy bar.} Hmmm! {He eats it} Chomp. {He chokes and collapses.} CHOKE!

{The mayor appears and stands over the robotic penguin.}

MAYOR: What will our fair city do without this brave robotic duck?

ROBOTIC PENGUIN: Penguin.

MAYOR: No, you kiddin me? A penguin, huh? All this time...

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: {laughs}

{The Ugly One dies and is unselectable after this point.}

[edit] Megaphone

[edit] Cheerleader, Scenes 1 or 2, or any other girl

MEGAPHONE: *squawk*

GIRL: Go Growlbacks! Try not to score on your own team this time!

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: {sounds of disapproval}

[edit] Cheerleader, Scene 3

MEGAPHONE: *squawk*

CHEERLEADER: The Growlbacks are losin' by seventy three (points), but I don't care 'cuz everyone is lookin' at me (doink)!

{Medusa shows up with a camera.}

MEDUSA: I just need to get a picture for yearbook.

{Cheerleader turns to stone.}

CHEERLEADER: Ow! My lack of familiarity with Greek mythology!

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: {laughs}

{Cheerleader dies and is unselectable after this point.}

[edit] Roach

{The girl transforms into a roach monster.}

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: METAMORPHOSIS!

GIRL: I ain't afraid of no nuclear bomb, I can live through anything.

{A shoe labeled "AIR KAFKA" smashes the girl/roach with a visible (but not audible) SPLAT!}

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: Stomp! {laughs}

{The girl dies and is unselectable after this point.}

[edit] Summary

The following are "minor deaths" (noted by Strong Bad chuckling after the death):

  • Any girl receiving the ringtone and the text msg, in that order.
  • Any girl receiving the hairspray before scene 3.
  • Any girl receiving the suntan lotion by scene 2, and the mirror during scene 2.
  • Any girl receiving the perfume, and then the "kissyface" during scene 3.
  • Any girl receiving the basketball during scene 3.

The following are "major deaths" (noted by Strong Bad laughing strongly after the death):

  • What's Her Face receiving the car during scenes 1 or 2.
  • So and So receiving the book.
  • Cheerleader receiving the megaphone during scene 3.
  • The Ugly One receiving the candy bar during scene 3.
  • Any girl receiving the roach.

The roach is obtained by getting 5000 points (all four of the other major deaths in the same run). The other four items required for major deaths are hidden in various locations in the game.

[edit] Fun Facts

  • The cockroach card is a reference to The Metamorphosis, a story Franz Kafka wrote about a man who is transformed into an insect.
  • CliffsNotes are a series of student study guides that explain literary and other works in condensed form, often used to avoid actually reading the works.
  • Shrimp po' boys are submarine sandwiches that contain pieces of fried shrimp as their main ingredient.

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