4 branches

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Revision as of 17:04, 24 November 2006

The Four Branches of Stupid Things Homestar's Done

Strong Bad explains the four branches of stupid things Homestar's done.

Cast (in order of appearance): Strong Bad, Homestar Runner, The King of Town, Marzipan, Strong Sad, Coach Z, Old-Timey Alien, The Homestar Runner, Old-Timey Strong Bad, Larry Palaroncini (Easter egg), Gary Palaroncini (Easter egg), Perry Palaroncini (Easter egg), Mary Palaroncini (Easter egg)

Places: Computer Room, The Show, The Office, The Field, Old-Timey Field, Old-Timey Stage, Alien Planet (Easter egg)

Computer: Lappy 486

Date: November 13, 2006

Running Time: 4:55

Page Title: Lappy 486

Transcript

STRONG BAD: {singing} Start your day, the sbemail way! And never get out of bed!

subject: stupidest

Hey Strong Bad
I was wondering what was the stupidest thing that Homestar
ever did, said, or imagined???
ur biggest fan
Spanky elgrondo N.Y.

{Strong Bad reads "Hey Strong Bad," in a bored tone and continues to read the rest of the email the same way. He draws out "ur" before biggest fan and reads "N.Y." as "Nuevo York."}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Well, my good Spank, that is way too broad a subject and would take several days just to scratch the surface of the tip of that iceberg. Especially the imagined part. That one has its own spreadsheet even. No, we'll have to get much more specific if we're gonna cover any stupid Homestar ground in one email. So it's time you people learned all about {cut to a scene with a U.S. Capitol-like building topped with a dome shaped like Homestar's head, and a banner featuring the the following title:} The Four Branches of Stupid Things Homestar's Done.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {as the top of the building} Ooo. I'm a neglected official.

STRONG BAD: The first branch is in charge of keeping the public informed. {A dotted line is traced to a television set with Homestar's head on the screen. A caption appears under it that reads "The House of Doing Stupid Things on National Television".} It's the House of Doing Stupid Things on National Television!

{Cut to Homestar Runner on the set of The Show.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Now isn't that a tasty makeover, lady friends? {A crowd full of ladies cheers. Cut twice to closeups of Homestar.} Huh? Huh?! From Drab to Fab with nothing but mustaaard! {Pictures of the King of Town appear on the left and right sides of the screen. The one on the left is labeled "Drab" and features a "normal" picture of the King of Town. The picture on the right is labeled "Fab" and features the King of Town doused with mustard. Homestar holds up a mustard container with the word 'Musty!' on it. Crowd cheers. The pictures disappear.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Now my next guest says her man doesn't give respect when she comes correct. But he thinks she's just a drama mama. {Cut to a shot of Marzipan looking very angry, with the words "Alleged Drama Mama" at the bottom of the screen.} So let's bring him out!

{The crowd boos. Homestar turns towards a curtain, then a spotlight appears on Homestar and his clothes and appearance change instantly; his propeller cap is back-to-front, while stubble, a goatee and undereye bags have appeared on his face, and his shirt features a green hand and the words "DENIED! Panama City Beach".}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {sulkily} Yeah, whatever, you know you all want some.

{Someone throws a chair at Homestar and knocks him down. The crowd cheers gleefully.}

STRONG BAD: That's right. Homestar secretly had himself on his own "You're a Bad Boyfriend" talk show.

{Cut back to the list of "Stupid Things Homestar's Done." A dotted line is traced to a coffee mug with Homestar's face on it.}

STRONG BAD: The next branch tracks the stupid things Homestar does on the job. Here comes The Bureau of Doing Stupid Things at the Office.

{Cut to the Office with Strong Bad in his cubicle with a headset on, occasionally typing on his computer. Phones are ringing in the background.}

STRONG BAD: {talking into headset; looking bored} No ma'am, this would be a password you gave to us. Yes sir, it could be the last four digits of your dog, or your mother's maiden credit card number...

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {offscreen} Hey, Strong Bro, keg party at the water cooler!

STRONG BAD: {turns his head offscreen towards Homestar} Not Now! I'm talking to Phone Tree Survivor Number Thirteen! {talking into headset} Yes, baby, the whole password.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {offscreen} Stro Bro, free bagels at the water cooler!

STRONG BAD: {looks excited} I'm sorry, ma'am, free bagels just happened.

{Strong Bad leaps up from his desk, making the Geddup Noise, and slides out of his cubicle towards a water cooler with Homestar stuffed inside.}

STRONG BAD: Aww, man! This isn't free bagels!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: No, but it is free-ing Homestar from the water cooler. That's pretty sweet.

STRONG BAD: {momentarily stutters} Just explain to me what you were trying to do when this happened.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Well, I was in Barbados, hanging a picture on the wall...

STRONG BAD: Okay, that tells me everything I need to know. How 'bout we try this?

{Strong Bad walks over to the water cooler and presses down the button for the nozzle that has Homestar's leg sticking out of it.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Ow, ow, OW, STOP! Sweet genius, that hurt! Oh, well, just forget it. I'll just stay in here for the rest of my life. Just stack my mail on top of me, would ya? {Strong Bad walks off as a phone rings.} Thanks, S-bro! Man! Where should we go for lunch today? Chinese buffet?

{Cut back to the list of "Stupid Things Homestar's Done." A scoreboard appears, which rolls up to its high number limit of 999,999 and then resets to zero.}

STRONG BAD: You know how in video games, if you get the super-duper high score, it eventually flips back to zero? Well, sometimes Homestar does something so stupid, he flips back to smart.

{The scoreboard disappears as a dotted line is traced to a picture of Homestar with a graduation cap on. A caption appears under him that says "The joint Sub-Committee On So Stupid It's Smart-ities".}

{Cut to Homestar in the Field atop a soap box with Strong Sad in the foreground.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Awash with flavor!

STRONG SAD: Uh, okay Homestar. Then what's two plus two?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Well, the force between any two charges is equal to the absolute value of the multiple of the charges divided by 4 pi times the vacuum permittivity times the distance squared between the two charges. {As he says these words, computer-type noises are heard in the background.}

STRONG SAD: No, no, no, stupid! That's Coulomb's law.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, right, sorry! Two plus two? That's easy. Twenty-two.

{Cut back to the list of "Stupid Things Homestar's Done."}

STRONG BAD: And last of course, the most powerful branch. The Boudoir of Doing Stupid Things While Inside a College Mascot Costume.

{A dotted line is traced to a football helmet with Homestar's face on it. A caption appears under it that reads "The Boudoir of Doing Stupid Things While Inside a College Mascot Costume".}

{Cut to the Field at night with Homestar inside The Jolly Dumple costume. A campfire is also inside it.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Man, oh man, oh man! Man! Moving into this mascot costume was probably the coolest and least locking-myself-out-of-my-house-enest decision I ever made! {Homestar raises a stick with a juice box stuck on the end over the fire.} This juice box is gonna roast up good and plenty! Dark and lovely! Bed, Bath and Be-yond!

{Cut to a wider shot revealing Coach Z.}

COACH Z: Homestar, what are you doin'?! That thing is made out of flame pro-tardant Polymascotfoamalate!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Polymascotfoamalate?! {his words echo}

{Fade to The Homestar Runner in the Old-Timey Field standing next to an alien. A spaceship has crashed into the factory in the background.}

OLD-TIMEY ALIEN: But, Earthling, they don't have polymascotfoamalate on my planet. Eh-rumble.

THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: That's 'cause you're a communist fool, red! {Pronounces "communist" as "commonest"}

{The alien looks shocked. Cut to a stage with The Homestar Runner and Old-Timey Strong Bad dancing with a banner over their heads reading "Polymascotfoamalate!"}

BACKGROUND SINGERS: {singing} Polymascotfoamalate!

{Cut to The Homestar Runner dressed up as a baby.}

THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: Feed it to the babies.

{Cut back to the stage, the alien joins them.}

BACKGROUND SINGERS: {singing} Polymascotfoamalate!

{Cut to Old-Timey Strong Bad with shaving cream on his face holding what appears to be baby powder in one hand and a cup full of shaving cream in the other.}

OLD-TIMEY STRONG BAD: Or as a topping on Soured Cream!

{Cut to a globe with the words "POLYMASCOTFOAMALATE" written in front of it with the formula containing the elements that comprise it below.}

ANNOUNCER: Polymascotfoamalate! Helping America {appears above the globe as it is spoken} Ingenuitize the Future across the globe!

{A record scratch is heard. We abruptly cut back to the Field at night with Homestar inside the mascot.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Ohhh. Right. So I should be perfectly safe! {singing} Polymascotfoa- {an explosion occurs, throwing Coach Z out of frame; after a beat, Homestar's mascot costume disintegrates with the sound of breaking glass.}

{Cut back to the list of "Stupid Things Homestar's Done". Strong Bad stands up in front of it.}

STRONG BAD: So there you have it! Now it's up to you to make your own informed decisions about the stupidest things Homestar's done. Get involved, {a banner appears above Strong Bad} write a letter to your local Homestarman, {another banner appears} or throw a trash can through a plate glass window! {Yet another banner appears.}

{Strong Bad walks off screen and the camera pulls in on the top of the U.S. Capitol building shaped like Homestar's head.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {singing} And that's how I become a law! {Fireworks appear in the air.} Pa-too! Pa-too! Pa-too!

{The Paper comes down.}

Easter Eggs

A Great Idea for Personal Style

• Click on "spreadsheet" after Strong Bad types it to see a spreadsheet titled "A Great Idea for Personal Style" with the handwriting "MONGOLIAN BEEF WiG" and Homestar's head wearing such wig spread across the cells.
• Click on the cartoon in Strong Bad's cubicle to see a Dullard comic.
• At the end of the email, click on Homestar's head to see more fireworks.
• At the end, click on "Stupid" to see a Limozeen: "but they're in space!" cartoon:

  {Larry, Gary, and Perry are seen on a teal planet with the Old-Timey Alien, a snake-like animal coming out of the ground, and a ringed planet in the background.}

  OLD-TIMEY ALIEN: {gestures and stamps feet while speaking} Oh, but Limozeen-in-space-lings. They don't have hot blonde groupies with high bangs on my planet... {trailing off} eh, grumble...

  LARRY: That's 'cause you don't have polyhairsprayteasealate!

  {Cut to Mary holding a tentacle in a hot dog bun.}

  MARY: {speaking with mouth full} And you're a communist fool! {Takes a bite of sandwich and chews.}

Fun Facts

Explanations

• Homestar correctly states Coulomb's law, which determines the magnitude of the electrostatic force between two particles based on their charges q₁ and q₂ and the distance between them r:

  

• "Red" is a nickname for a Communist.
• "Polymascotfoamalate" is a portmanteau of quite a few words. "Poly-" is a prefix meaning "many", probably intended to reference the large number of manmade materials whose names also start with the prefix (polyester, polyurethane, polyisocyanurate), "mascot" being its own word, and "foam" which is a word by itself, but in context, may refer either to foam rubber, which is often used in wearable mascot costumes, or to fire retardant foam, which is unlikely given the Dumple's explosive qualities.
• In old arcade games, if you get a score higher than 999,999, it rolls over to 0. This happens in such games as Namco's Galaga or Pac-Man.
• "The Four Branches of Stupid Things Homestar's Done" are a reference to the three branches of the United States government, and the shape of the governmental building is the United States Capitol building, often used as a symbol of the legislative branch.
• Calling the alien a "communist fool" makes fun of most alien movies in the 1950s, including War of the Worlds and Invasion of the Body Snatchers, where the aliens usually represented the Soviet Union.
• The Show AM is a parody of several talk shows that feature makeovers such as Oprah, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, and Extreme Makeover, and tabloid talk shows such as The Jerry Springer Show and Maury.

Remarks

• Nuevo York is an incorrect way of saying New York in Spanish. Nueva York is the correct Spanish form.
• Strong Bad's polo shirt has a 5.25 inch floppy disk crest. Homestar, however, is not wearing the usual polo shirt attire to work.
• Homestar does not have any trouble breathing or speaking underwater.
• At the end of the firework Easter egg, you can hear a pop sound, showing the Brothers Chaps cut out the sound from earlier in the email.
• When The King of Town's "Drab to Fab" makeover is shown, the colors of his crown are reversed, as they were in earlier designs.
• Homestar's legs during the The Show AM are for some reason the old design. Notice the left foot being at an awkward angle.
• Strong Bad mixes up technological phrases and assigns various gender titles, similar to what Homestar did in isp.
• Homestar's eyes appear considerably bigger than normal while inside the water cooler; this may be due to the cooler's curved surface magnifying them. They also do not blink every four seconds, which suggests new eyes were made especially for this scene.
• During the scene of the globe in the Polymascotfoamalate cartoon, the white land masses at the top and bottom do not spin with the rest of the globe.

Goofs

• The floppy disk on Strong Bad's shirt jumps between Strong Bad's left and right side so that it's always facing the audience.
• When the firework easter egg at the end of the email is played, at the end there is a short clip of sound from the other easter egg at the end of the email played.

Fixed Goofs

• When the email was first posted, Strong Bad typed "in" instead of "any" when he says "No, we'll have to get much more specific if we're gonna cover any stupid Homestar ground," at the beginning of the email. This was later corrected.
• When the email was first posted, boudoir was misspelled as "Budoir". This was later corrected.

Inside References

• The Soapbox makes another appearance when Homestar stands on it while he answers Strong Sad, and its label now reads "Fourteen times".
• Limozeen's animated debut was in best thing.
• "MONGOLIAN BEEF WiG" is an example of lowercase i's.
• The Jolly Dumple first appeared in mascot.
• Homestar's fireworks sounds at the end of the email are the same sounds he makes in couch patch when he is spitting teddy grahams.

Real-World References

• This cartoon was released six days after the 2006 United States general elections on November 7th, and the references to "America" and the United States government were probably inspired by that event.
• Bed Bath & Beyond is a chain of domestic-goods stores located throughout the United States.
• Good & Plenty is a famous licorice candy.
• Dark & Lovely is a brand of hair relaxer and other hair care products.
• Homestar saying "That's how I become a law!" is a reference to the School House Rock cartoon "I'm Just a Bill", showing how a bill becomes a law in Washington.
• Strong Bad's recommendation to "throw a trash can through a plate glass window" is likely a reference to the climactic scene in Spike Lee's film Do the Right Thing.
• The mustard bottle has the distinctive red cap and yellow barrel shape of Plochman's mustard.
• The sing-song voice in which Homestar proclaims that mustard was used for The King of Town's makeover is very similar to the voice Oprah Winfrey uses when making grand announcements on her television show.
• The sun logo for The Show AM is very similar to that of The Today Show on NBC. The "am" typeface is reminiscent of TV-am.
• Homestar's "Denied" shirt during The Show AM segment pokes fun at spring break events in Panama City Beach, Florida.
• The Old-Timey Alien's voice and crashed spacecraft suggest a reference to The Great Gazoo of The Flintstones.

External Links

• watch "4 branches"
• view the Flash file for "4 branches"
• forum thread re: "4 branches"