parenting

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Strong Bad Email #209
watch the next april fools thing some kinda robot
"Mommydaddy's so proud of you!"

A father to be asks Strong Bad for parenting advice and Strong Bad obliges by sharing his experience in "health class".

Cast (in order of appearance): Strong Bad, Marzipan, Homestar Runner, The Cheat, Coach Z, The King of Town, Strong Mad, Strong Sad, Lady, The Poopsmith, Alex Hirsch (YouTube only), Bubs (Easter egg, Flash only)

Places (in order of appearance): Computer Room, The Classroom, The Athletic Field, The Field, Strong Sad's Room, The King of Town's Castle, Marzipan's House, House of Strong, Strong Mad's Room, Playground, Recording Studio (YouTube only), Bubs' Concession Stand (Easter egg, Flash only)

Computer: Lappier

Date: Friday, April 1, 2022

Running Time: 7:53 (Flash), 10:00 (YouTube)

Page Title: Get the Droops!

Contents

[edit] Transcript

STRONG BAD: And I can check my wha? And you can check your wha. If I can check my wha, then you can {rhythmic mumbles}

{Strong Bad reads "S to the Bad" as "Stothe Bad", “baby” as “bebeh”, and "FL" as "for life".}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Don't sweat it, Mike. You're already on the right track by coming to me first. Instead of, ya know, like, your parents or a medical professional or any number of {text begins to become smaller as his voice gets quieter} non-email checking wrestlemen. {clears screen} And while I'm no dad meself, I actually do have some expertise on the subject. Turns out we all had to try out some child rearing in one of the nebulous health classes {The last two words are spoken in a disgusted tone with half-closed eyelids, and typed in a wavy, distorted, multicolored font. The entire screen dims except the area around those words as they start to grow, while various "spooky" sound effects and traffic sounds play. Eventually, the words and screen return to normal with a "pop" sound effect, and Strong Bad continues} that we for some reason allow Coach Z to teach us.

{Cut to a panning shot of Marzipan, Homestar, Strong Bad, and The Cheat sitting at desks, looking questioningly at bags of banana pudding. Music plays briefly.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} We were all given sammich bags full of banana puddin' to take care of as practice—

{Cut to a closer shot of Strong Bad and The Cheat looking at their bag of pudding.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} —for raisin' a baby. {pronounces “baby” as “bebeh”}

{Cut to Coach Z at the front of the classroom, standing next to a sign reading "HEY! A GOOD PERSON" with an arrow pointing at Coach Z himself.}

COACH Z: All right, potential parental units, you all have your R.H.B's, {produces his own bag of pudding} or as we in the medical field call 'em: {turns the page on the sign, showing a drawing of a bag of pudding with a face on it labeled:} "Real Human Babies".

{Cut to a closer shot of Coach Z.}

COACH Z: Now, the next 18 to 35 years o' yer life are gonna revolve around keepin' this thing alive-slash-in a wi-fi hotspot. {turns the page again, showing the pudding with a smartphone with a wi-fi symbol over its head}

{Cut to Strong Bad.}

STRONG BAD: How is this slopsack anything like a real human baby?

{Cut to Coach Z holding up his pudding.}

COACH Z: Exaca like an R.H.B.! It's small, it's mushy, smells like plastic, and it's fulla yellow goop! And whichever one o' youse keeps theirs alive the longest—

{Cut to the King of Town, who has opened his bag and is slurping up the last of the pudding through a straw.}

KING OF TOWN: And I'm out! {leaves}

{Cut back to Coach Z.}

COACH Z: —gets a different bag of pistachio puddin' {holds up bag of pistachio pudding} as a reward!

{Cut to Homestar and Strong Bad.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {mumbling, with a different pose for each line as though imitating a whole crowd:} Oh, sounds pretty good! Didja hear? Pistachio pudding! Bag of pudding! Have you heard the latest news? Not a bad pudding! Sounds like a pretty sweet deal. Whadja say? I wasn't listening.

{Strong Bad gives Homestar an annoyed expression as crickets chirp for a few seconds.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: What? I can be a one-man hubbub.

{Cut to Coach Z.}

COACH Z: Now get out there in that fierld and show me some defense!

{A whistle sounds as the scene wipes to Homestar, Marzipan, Strong Bad, Strong Mad, Strong Sad, and The Cheat shuffling around on a football field with Coach Z's silhouette in the foreground.}

ALL BUT COACH Z: {indistinct grunts}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Shimmy shimmy...

COACH Z: Or... I mean... do all the good baby stuff and whatnot.

{Silhouettes of the six students appear against a yellow sky, break off into pairs, and walk away from each other. A drum beat starts.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} And so, we paired off into... er, pairs, and set off to experience the ponders of warenting.

{A splash screen with those last four words appears.}

SINGERS: The ponders of warenting!

{Cut to Strong Bad and The Cheat in the computer room. The Cheat is holding the corner of the bag of pudding in his mouth. Its seal has come undone, and some of the pudding has dripped down to the floor.}

STRONG BAD: Don't hold her like that! She'll get the droops! You gotta hold her by the corners. Like you would a real baby.

THE CHEAT: {with an upset expression} {The Cheat noises}

STRONG BAD: Well this ain't no Cheat-pup! Give it here!

{Cut to a close-up as Strong Bad takes the bag and holds it up by the corners.}

STRONG BAD: There there, pud-wad. Let's just settle down—

{Cut to a medium shot as he kneels down and starts scooping the pudding off the floor and back into the bag.}

STRONG BAD: —and scoop your brains back in. Like you would a real baby.

{The splash screen returns, still reading "The Ponders of Warenting".}

SINGERS: The ponders of warenting!

{Cut to Strong Sad in his room, with the bag of pudding sitting on a table on top of some paper towels, with safety pins and a jar of talcum powder nearby.}

STRONG SAD: Oookay, gotta change this baby. Let's see... {cut to a view from above the bag, looking at Strong Sad} Triangle, corner to tip, tuck down, scrimshaw right, scrimshaw left, and done!

{Cut back to show the bag of pudding now sitting in a paper hat. Pan right to Strong Mad, holding an origami crane with banana pudding dripping from it.}

STRONG MAD: I FORGOT TO SCRIMSHAW LEFT!

{The splash screen returns, still reading "The Ponders of Warenting".}

SINGERS: The ponders of warenting!

{Cut to Strong Bad and The Cheat walking toward the King of Town, who is behind a host podium at what appears to be a restaurant. A sign on the gray stone wall above them reads "SteaKasTle", with a T-bone steak in place of the "T". Strong Bad is wearing a baby carrier holding his and The Cheat's pudding bag.}

STRONG BAD: Say there, local proprietor! My co-parent {indicating The Cheat} and I were wondering if this is a family-friendly establishment.

KING OF TOWN: Oh, sure! I've been friendly to families at least a couple of times. {cut to a closer shot} Maybe you guys will get lucky! {winks while a "splat" sound effect plays}

STRONG BAD: {recoiling} Never wink at me again. {turns back to the King} Table for two, please, plus a highchair.

KING OF TOWN: I've got this '70s highchair. {turns around}

{Cut to a rusty bear trap on chair legs with a rubber duck sitting inside it and cobwebs hanging from it. It creaks and shakes for a moment, and the trap snaps shut, severing the duck's head. A bubble appears above it reading "APPROVED BY 70'S PEDIATRICIANS".}

STRONG BAD: Ooooh, uh, {cut back to the three characters} maybe I'll just put her in my lap. You got a kids menu?

KING OF TOWN: I've got this '70s kids menu.

{He produces a menu, which then appears in closeup. The top of the menu reads "SteaKasTle Kids' menu". On the left is a picture of a steak, labeled "Steak (Market Price)". Next to it is an "Activity Maze!", which is an empty rectangle with right-pointing arrows at the left ("start") and right ("end") labeled "Help the Steak get to the Cigar for smooth enjoyment!". On the right is a lit cigar labeled "Cigars (Vincent Price)".}

LADY: {voiceover} Oh, Barbara, what a riot!

{A bubble appears over the menu reading "APPROVED BY 70'S MOMS".}

LADY: {voiceover} Let's order one for the kids! I'll eat their cigars if they don't finish.

{The bubble's text changes to "SHUT UP, LADY!". Cut back to the characters, with Strong Bad looking extremely annoyed.}

STRONG BAD: Do I even wanna know the condition of your '70s bathroom?

KING OF TOWN: It's more like a seventeen-seventies bathroom. {turns around}

{Cut to a hole in the ground near the King's castle with bricks around it, a sign reading "the privy, prithee", and a roll of toilet paper reading "strides of great progreſſ" and "progreſſo soup". The Poopsmith leans out from behind the castle giving the thumbs up as the camera zooms in on him. He smirks. Cut back to Strong Bad, The Cheat, and the King.}

STRONG BAD: {recoiling again} Gah! Unexpected Poopsmirk! That's it, we're going to a real family restaurant! {he and The Cheat turn to leave, and then both abruptly stop as Strong Bad turns around to say:} Like the micro-brewery! {they continue, then stop again} Or a craft distillery! {they continue, then stop again} Or that vape shop that also sells hot fries!

{The splash screen returns, still reading "The Ponders of Warenting".}

SINGERS: The ponders of warenting!

{Cut to Homestar and Marzipan in Marzipan's kitchen. Homestar is wearing blue goggles, a plaid apron, and a clothespin on his chin. A bag of pudding is on the counter, with a potted plant and a box of "Diaps" nearby.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: It's also important that we never water the plants in front of her. {pushes the plant away from the bag} Babies have inverse agricultural tendencies when they're this young. "Inverse" means "opposite", Marzipan, so she might grow up thinking you should never water plants! And that's just wrong. Just plain old dang old wrong. You have to water plants, Marzipan. With sunlight.

MARZIPAN: {looming over Homestar more and more with each word, but constantly smiling and in a friendly voice} You have no idea what you're talking about, and I disagree with everything that comes out of your mouth, you lump of underbitten cluelessness.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {incredibly confused} Um, are you okay? It's like mean-say Marzipan's brain is coming out of nice-say Marzipan's face!

MARZIPAN: {stepping back from Homestar} Babies understand tone and body language. {slowly leans down to look at the bag} So it's very important that she doesn't know how much we hate each other until she's in college.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {in an understanding tone} Oooohh! Mean-say mean-say!

{The splash screen returns, now reading "The Donders of Warranty".}

SINGERS: The donders of warranty!

{Cut to a tablet, showing a screen with a diaper with a face and reading "SCREENBY SITTER". A bag of pudding is taped to it. The diaper on the tablet hovers around and speaks.}

SCREENBY SITTER: Eh-heh-heh-heh! You're doing great! Your parents are busy!

{Strong Sad's hand appears and picks up the tablet.}

STRONG SAD: {voiceover} Strong Mad!

{Cut to the door of Strong Mad's room. Strong Mad's silhouette is in the foreground, while Strong Sad holds the tablet and bag.}

STRONG SAD: Did you tape the baby to a tablet so you could play video games on a different tablet for six hours?

{The screen pans over and Strong Mad comes into focus.}

STRONG MAD: A DIFFERENT MORE EXPENSIVE TABLET!

{He holds up a larger tablet than the first, which has "CLAPPING PARTY MOBILE!" playing on it. The tablet shines and the word "PRO" emanates from it.}

NARRATOR: Pro!

{Cut back to the Screenby Sitter in Strong Sad's hand.}

SCREENBY SITTER: Eh-heh-heh-heh! Don't turn me off! I can teach you about... {considers for a moment} screens!

{The splash screen returns, now reading "The Jodhpurs of Clarencing".}

SINGERS: The jodhpurs of clarencing!

{Cut to Homestar, wearing a gray jacket, holding a cup of Hot Jones, and staring at a smartphone. Behind him is a swing set in a sandbox. One bag of pudding is sitting in a swing, while another sits nearby with a toy shovel planted in the ground next to it. Music plays.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: What's that, sweetie? Daddy's working! {drinks some Jones} Uh huh, I see! That's great, sweetie! That's... some real... development... right there, that's... fine motor. Mommydaddy's so proud of you!

{Cut to the bag falling out of the swing and bumping into the other bag, then cut to a close-up of Homestar.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oopsie! Did someone have a fall-down-badoompsie?

{Cut to a wide shot as Strong Bad suddenly runs up.}

STRONG BAD: Hey! Your kid owes my kid an apology!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, they're just little puddin's. I doubt that was on purpose.

{Cut to a closer shot.}

STRONG BAD: Kids don't just do stuff like that! That is some learned behavior! Is that the kind of messed-up stuff you're teaching there at the Star-Runner household?! {zoom out as he jumps up and hovers in place} Pushin' kids around in the sandbox?! {Homestar walks up to the bags as Strong Bad continues to hover} Er, where are you going? Indignant... I... {lands}

{Cut to a close-up of Homestar.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, sorry. I gotta post this. This is just adorable!

{Cut to the two bags. Homestar holds up his phone to the bags as Strong Bad kneels next to him.}

STRONG BAD: Oh, good call. That is adorable. {smiling} Look up here, sweetie! Can you wave?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Everybody say "The Cheat"!

STRONG BAD: The Cheat!

{Homestar takes the picture.}

STRONG BAD: {still smiling} Still gonna badmouth you online at the preschool forums.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, yeah, totally, totally.

{Homestar takes another picture. Cut back to Coach Z in the classroom as the "Ponders of Warenting" instrumental plays. The sign now shows a large bag of pudding, sticking out its tongue, with a graduation cap, labeled "Fully Licensed Rents".}

COACH Z: Well clarss, you did it! You're all fully prepared to have kids!

{Cut to a reverse shot of Strong Bad.}

STRONG BAD: But we all kept them alive, so who wins the pistachio puddin'?

{Cut to Coach Z.}

COACH Z: Well I do, o' course!

{Cut to Strong Bad.}

STRONG BAD: What why? {collapses on the desk}

{Cut to a close-up of Coach Z.}

COACH Z: {pulls up a discolored plastic bag with a dark brown substance in it} I've been keeping little Absorbine Junior here alive since I was your age! {nuzzles the bag} Ain't that right, Absorby?

{Cut to a panning shot of the classmates, who all look disgusted and mutter to themselves.}

COACH Z: {offscreen} Who's daddy's little puddin'? Who's daddy little baby?

{Cut back to Coach Z, who taps the bag.}

COACH Z: {singing} Ba dorn dang dorn dorn dang dang dorn!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {offscreen} Truly distasteful.

{Cut back to Strong Bad on his computer.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} And so Mike Morkleson, {stops typing} I-I don't know if that's your last name but you just seem like a real Morkleson {resumes typing} thus ended my brief foray into the soirée of fatherhood. I've distilled it all down into {types "to" instead} 3 main points, so you can remember: {clears screen} Number one: {typed as "1."} Babies are totally boring for the first nine months. Give to Grandma. 2. Keep a drawer full of useless keys and TV remotes for some reason. {not typed} And number {typed} 3. That much ballyhooed 'new baby smell' people are always talking about, {starts shouting} it just smells like crap! Babies just smell like crap! {the next line is typed in yellow at an angle} You just get used to it!! {the next line is typed in orange, slightly larger, at a different angle} Don't let 'em fool you! {the next line is typed in red, even larger, and at yet another angle} It's not a good smell! {stops typing and raises his fist} BABIES SMELL LIKE CRAAAAAAAP! {falls over from his desk}

{The CGI Paper comes down.}

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: C-G-eeow!

[edit] Easter Eggs

  • Click on "Riverview, FL" when Strong Bad says it to bring up a screenshot of Peasant's Quest, with the command "view river" and large text reading "Riverview 4Life".
  • At the end, click on "ballyhooed" to play a commercial for SteaKasTle:
{The SteaKasTle sign appears.}
SINGERS: SteaKasTle! {The text on the sign moves forward while the sign dims out. The following tagline appears as it's sung:} "We put two steaks in our name!"
NARRATOR: One is the word "steak"! {the "Steak" in the name is underlined} The other is the letter T. {a red arrow points to the T-turned-steak}
{The logo and tagline fade out.}
{Music plays as the "Styles Upon Styles" logo bounces onto a blue screen.}
NARRATOR: Styles Upon Styles presents:
{Cut to Homestar and Strong Bad at the playground, posing together, both in their gray jackets. Both are holding their phones, Homestar is holding his cup of Hot Jones, and both have sunglasses on their heads — Strong Bad's on his forehead, and Homestar's on the back of his head.}
NARRATOR: The Dads at the Playground collection.
{Rapid close-up cuts at different angles, followed by a cut to the two characters' silhouettes on opposite sides of the swingset, while "Dads at the Playground" is written at the bottom of the screen. Cut back to the previous scene of the two posing, zooming in.}
STRONG BAD: I make waffles every Saturday, and leave the kitchen a huge mess.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: {pan to Homestar} I talk about coaching lacrosse, and... {cut to a close-up} coaching lacrosse.
{Cut to an orange screen with vests and the word "Styles" tiled in the background.}
NARRATOR: {the two gray jackets come into view} Vests! {sunglasses appear over the jackets} Sunglasses! ...That's pretty much it, really. {the "Dads at the Playground" text reappears} These guys are pretty one-note.
{Strong Bad, baby strapped to his chest, and The Cheat stroll up to the concession stand. Bubs's legs dangle from above the counter before he drops down.}
STRONG BAD: Say there, local proprietor! My co-parent {indicating The Cheat} and I were wondering if this is a family-friendly establishment.
{Several wads of cash fall onto Bubs' head, followed by Homestar's severed leg.}

[edit] YouTube Version

  • The YouTube description for this email is "Coach Z somehow has the authority to make everyone pretend to have babies in a weird contest. Meanwhile, The KOT opens a steakhouse!"
  • The "Riverview, FL" Easter egg and the Bubs Easter egg are absent, with a different scene in place of the latter. (See #Fixed Glitches)
  • After the CGI Paper comes down, the other Easter eggs appear, separated by fake YouTube autoplay images.
    • Initially, there is a fake autoplay of "Top Ten Things You Missed in the Peasant's Quest Trailer", with an image of live action Rather Dashing. This is followed by the SteaKasTle Easter egg.
    • Then, a fake autoplay of "Why You Should NEVER Say 'Boat Take' in Public" shows up, with an image of a very large-eyed Strong Sad covering his mouth. Then the "Styles Upon Styles" Easter egg plays.
    • Finally, another fake autoplay shows up, now showing "Homepage Shared Cinematic Universe REVEALED", with images of various home pages in the background. This is followed by a scene not included in the Flash version:
{Cut to Homestar in a recording studio in front of a microphone.}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: {mumbling as though imitating a crowd} What did he say? I didn't hear! Sounds a little abnormal. He'll rue the day! I don't like that!
{Cut to live action Alex Hirsch in a pink-tinted room, talking to Homestar through a video screen.}
ALEX HIRSCH: That was incredible, One-Man Hubbub! Nailed it again! Um, next we got a crowd, uh, fleeing a meteor. {cut to Homestar nodding, then cut back} If you could sprinkle in a few old ladies.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Okay.
ALEX HIRSCH: Any time you're ready.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Got it. {cut to Homestar as he acts out the role} Watch out! It's coming hither! Oh no, my house! {goes closer to the camera} I've gotta keep running in this direction! {imitating an old lady} Look, Maudelaide, it's a twister! {imitating another old lady} I thought he said it was a meteor! {imitating the first old lady again} Well, either way, book club's been canceled!
{Cut to the screen, as Alex Hirsch laughs.}
ALEX HIRSCH: Hahahahahaha! That's why you're the One-Man Hubbub! You're crackin' up everybody back here! {cut to Homestar smiling proudly} Uh, next we got a courtroom, maybe scandalized murmur. {cut back to the screen} For added difficulty, throw in a bailiff.
{Cut to the mic.}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, I can't believe it's true! Did you hear?! {cut to a close up of Homestar's mouth} I wonder what that's all about! {cut back to Homestar, wearing the pop filter on his head and taking on an old lady voice again} Well I never! {unintelligible mumbling} {slumps over, with cinnamon on his head in place of his hat} Your honor, did you eat my tuna sammich?
{Cut to the screen.}
ALEX HIRSCH: Hahahahahaha! {claps hands} We got it, folks, we got it! You can't improve on perfection!
{Cut back and forth between Homestar and Alex.}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Aw, thank you. {Alex doesn't respond and keeps talking to someone on his end} Am I done?
ALEX HIRSCH: Yeah, yeah, so, if we could take—
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Hello?
ALEX HIRSCH: If we could take—
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Can I go?
ALEX HIRSCH: —B, C, and F...
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Producer man? Excuse me?
ALEX HIRSCH: {still not paying attention} Nah, not D. Not D.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: I can hear what you're saying.
ALEX HIRSCH: That one was weird.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: It's really—
ALEX HIRSCH: Popping P's.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: —unprofessional!
{Alex hits a button.}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: I think your button's broken! {still no response} Producer man! I'm fired!

[edit] Fun Facts

[edit] Trivia

[edit] Remarks

[edit] Goofs

  • When the "The Ponders of Warenting" splash screen appears in the scene where Strong Sad and Strong Mad finish changing the bag's diaper, the pudding leaking from Strong Mad's origami crane disappears.
  • When the Screenby Sitter first appears, the title of the app is all on one line on the tablet screen. Once Strong Sad picks up the tablet and the camera shifts to a wide shot, the title then takes up two lines.
  • When Strong Bad types out "Don't let 'em fool you!", the exclamation mark is cropped off from the right.

[edit] Fixed Glitches

  • There are two URLs leading to this toon, toons/strong-bad-email-209-parenting and sbemails/209-parenting. The latter, accessible through the Strong Bad Email menu, originally had no video embedded, making the email unwatchable on that page. It was fixed on April 7, with the former URL still linking to an embedded YouTube version, and the latter linking to a newly added Flash version. Since the live action footage Easter egg was not compatible with Ruffle, a new Easter egg featuring Bubs was included in this version.

[edit] Inside References

[edit] Real-World References

  • Strong Bad's intro song is reminiscent of the chorus to "Weapon of Choice" by Fatboy Slim.
  • The overall plot of this email is a parody of a traditional health or home economics class assignment where students are required to carry around a baby stand-in for some length of time, usually a week. Popular stand-ins include a bag of flour, a hollowed egg shell, or a doll that cries randomly. The intention is to give students practice with infant care, and students may fail the assignment if the stand-in is lost or damaged before the allotted time is up.
  • The Screenby Sitter is a play on an often-controversial parental tactic of using screen-based electronic devices (such as TVs or tablets) to keep children distracted so that the parents can tend to other matters. This is sometimes referred to in the media (often pejoratively) as employing a "TV babysitter" or an "electronic nanny".
  • The SteaKasTle kids' menu mentions actor Vincent Price.
  • The SteaKasTle name resembles that of Steak and Ale, an American casual dining chain which peaked in the 1970s and '80s. It was known for its dimly lit Tudor-style interiors, as well as for being a frequent dining choice for middle-class family outings.
  • When Homestar portrays a bailiff, his head is shaved in the style of Richard Moll, whom he previously mentioned in car.

[edit] External Links


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