portrait

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Revision as of 20:48, 2 April 2008

Done by a Deutsch Master.

Strong Bad tries to make a portrait of himself.

Cast (in order of appearance): Strong Bad, Lord Quackingstick, Strong Badman (Easter egg), Deutschman (Easter egg), The Deutsch Master (Easter egg), The Cheat, Homestar Runner, Strong Mad, Princess Shellbra

Places: Computer Room, A Museum, Trailer Home, Strong Mad's Room, Strong Bad's Basement, The Field (Easter egg)

Computer: Lappy 486

Date: Sunday, December 4, 2005

Running Time: 3:37

Page Title: Lappy 486

DVD: strongbad_email.exe Disc Five

Transcript

STRONG BAD: Hey everybody, it's a musical Strong Bad Email this week! {presses enter} {singing} Da-doo doo doo Dear, Dear Strong Bad, oh I was wondering—{stops singing} Ahhh, I can't keep this up.

subject: portrait

Dear Strong Bad-
I was wondering if you ever wanted to have somebody
paint a portrait of  your greatness.
guess what, it's-
Dylan Bragers (aka Coolio da Fabio)
Texas

STRONG BAD: {typing} Guess what? Nobody calls you Coolio da Fabio (aka quit making up nicknames for yourself.) I'm just gonna call you Dealin' Burgers, which I assume doubles as an accurate job description.

{Clears screen.}

STRONG BAD: Moving onwardly, I suppose my greatness is worthy of portraiture. Perhaps one done by a Deutsch Master.

{Cut to a portrait of Strong Bad, in a long-haired wig, a beret, and a toga, holding a toy stick with a duck's head on the end. The painting is in a gold frame, with a museum placard beside it (see below).}

STRONG BAD: The kind that are always getting stolen or vandalized by art bandits.

{The Cheat appears from the top, wearing a black mask, skullcap, and a t-shirt reading "4rt b4ndit". He places a stencil over the painting and paints a "robotank", along with the words "RAD, RAD ROBOTANK", in pink spray paint.}

STRONG BAD: {offscreen} Thanks, little buddy! Now it's worth something.

THE CHEAT: {obliging The Cheat noises; salutes}

{Cut back to the Lappy.}

STRONG BAD: {resumes typing} Or what about one of those black and white ink portraits you see in all the rich-guy newspapers.

{Cut to a black-and-white newspaper. An image of Strong Bad in a suit and tie and holding a large cell phone is in the center.}

STRONG BAD: Well, apparently they're not rich enough to afford any color. Or even solid lines! Just a bunch of dots and dashes. I look like Morse code. {imitating Morse code} Dah dah dah dee dee dee... I a-am ho-o-olding a real-ly ol-d cel-l-l pho-o-one.

{Cut back to the Lappy. The screen has cleared.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Oops. No. Hey, I got it! A painting of such greatness demands only the finest materials. And what could be finer than black velvet in a cheap imitation wood frame? It would be showcased—

{Cut to the velvet painting. It shows Strong Bad holding a skunk. A lamp with a moose on it can be seen to the left.}

STRONG BAD: —in only the fanciest double-wide trailers. Oh, and look! I finally caught that skunk. I been chasing after that little scamp for—Whoa!—

{The shot suddenly shifts to the right to reveal a poster of a unicorn on a snowmobile with the caption "Born to be danged!!!". Another moose lamp is seen on the right.}

STRONG BAD: —Is that a blacklight poster of a unicorn riding a snowmobile?! Now that is some esteemed company.

{A Cold One Ice flies at the lamp and shatters it.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {offscreen and in a groggy voice} Thanks for breaking my moose lamp.

{Cut back to the Lappy.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Unfortunately, I don't know anybody with a useless Master of Fine Arts degree, so I might have to settle for something a bit more, how you say, made by Strong Mad or The Cheat.

{Cut to The Cheat, who is noisily gnawing a relief-bust of Strong Bad's face into a log.}

STRONG BAD: Very... uh, slobbery, The Cheat. This isn't quite what I had in mind when you said "sculpture."

{Classical music starts playing.}

STRONG BAD: You're really just... goin' to town there, aren't ya?

{Strong Bad stares at The Cheat working for a moment.}

STRONG BAD: I'm gonna {motioning with his glove} leave you two alone.

{Strong Bad backs away. Cut to Strong Mad's room. Strong Mad is sprinkling glitter over a macaroni picture. A sticker on the left side reads "Great Thyme". Strong Bad walks up.}

STRONG BAD: Oh, nice work, Chef Boyardee!

{Cut to a close-up of the picture.}

STRONG BAD: Like I couldn't have gone down to the kindergarten and hired a five-year-old to make me one of those.

{Cut back to the wide shot.}

STRONG BAD: ...Except that sounds pretty creepy and I'd probably go to jail.

STRONG MAD: {slams the glitter down} I'LL WAIT FOR YOU!

{Cut back to the Lappy. Strong Bad sits down.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Well, thanks to my no-talent minions, it looks like a self-portrait is the only way to go. And I will render it in nothing less than the classic style of the Trüe Mästers.

{Cut to a shot of Strong Bad, who has somehow fit his head into a wooden cutout of a muscular man holding a sword with a keyboard on it. The man's abdominal muscles are in the shape of the letters "SB", and he is holding a falcon. His one visible leg wears a boot that looks vaguely similar to a 'Lectric Boot. There are also two cans of paint nearby, labeled "Some Paint" and "Some More Paint". There is also a cutout of a mermaid at his feet with an empty space for a head. He paints it with a small brush.}

STRONG BAD: Ah, at last: A self-portrait that accurately depicts who I am, where I'm from, and my passing interest in falconry.

{He tries to get out.}

STRONG BAD: Uh-oh. {keeps trying} How do I get outta this thing?

{Cut to the reverse angle. He can be seen hanging by his head.}

STRONG BAD: How did I get into this thing? {kicks his legs together a few times}

{Cut back to the front view. He holds up the duck-head toy from the first portrait.}

STRONG BAD: {making the bird talk} Quack, quack.

{Cut to a close-up.}

STRONG BAD: Why, Lord Quackingstick, how nice to see you. You don't happen to have a hacksaw in your pocket, do you? {making the bird talk} Quack, quack.

{Cut back to the wide shot.}

STRONG BAD: Oh, too bad. {looking down at the mermaid} Well, what about you, Princess Shellbra?

{He moves the bird-on-a-stick into the face hole for the mermaid.}

STRONG BAD: {making the bird talk in a high, sultry voice} Quack, quack. {speaking normally} But of course. I love to serenade you anytime with my {looks down to his right} mystical keyswordtar. I mean it's not like I'm goin' anywhere... anytime soon.

{The Paper comes down.}

Easter Eggs

"Strong Badman and Deutschman are both finished!!!"

• Click the white card beside the portrait by the Deutsch Master to see an "Adventures of Strong Badman" comic book. A "Deutsch Master" holding a paintbrush is silhouetted, standing over Strong Badman and Deutschman, who are both lying wounded on a pile of rubble.

  Enter... The Deutsch Master
  
  "Strong Badman and Deutschman are both finished!!!"

• Click the keyswordtar at the end to see a printable version of the robotank stencil The Cheat used to vandalize the painting.
• Click Lord Quackingstick at the end to see Strong Bad show off his keyswordtar to Homestar.

{Cut to The Field with Homestar and Strong Bad holding the keyswordtar, his head still in the hole, although it has been broken off from the rest of the portrait.}

STRONG BAD: ...so that's when I realized I don't even need Lamaze classes.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Strong Bad, there's something different about you. Did you get a haircut?

STRONG BAD: No, but I did get this new keyswordtar. {imitates guitar riff, waves the keyswordtar around} Maow, maow, maoooooooow. {falsetto} Keyboard, keyboooooard. {normal} Maow, maow, maooooooooow. {falsetto} Fight some brigands!! {Homestar holds up a SAAB lighter, Strong Bad's voice returns to normal} Maow Maow, Maoooow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-owwowwoww-whammy-barrrrruh.

Fun Facts

Explanations

• Deutsch is the German word for "German", but Strong Bad uses it as a play on Dutch. (The similarity in sound has led to confusion about terms such as Pennsylvania Dutch, who are actually of German descent.) "Dutch masters" is a general term for the famous Dutch artists of the 17th century, such as Rembrandt and Vermeer. "Dutch Masters" is also a brand of cigars.
  • If pronounced with all the umlauts Strong Bad had inserted, "Deutsch Master" would be pronounced DUOY-ch MEH-ster.
• Falconry is the art or sport of training raptors (birds of prey) to hunt or pursue game.
• Lamaze is a relaxation technique designed to avoid the use of pain-killing drugs during childbirth.
• A whammy bar is a lever mounted to the bridge of a guitar and is used to bend the notes up or down. Since it works by changing the tension of the guitar strings, its inclusion on Strong Bad's keyswordtar (a pun on the Keytar) is hard to explain. Real keytars use a pitch bend controller to bend pitches; it's possible that this "whammy bar" is in fact a MIDI controller.
• Thyme is the herb depicted on Strong Mad's "Great Thyme" sticker. It often replaces the word time.
• The word "brigand" from Strong Bad's keyswordtar song in the Easter egg is another word for outlaw or ban

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