Cold One

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{{redirects|Beer}} {{for-nothe|other types of beer|Alcohol#Beer}}
[[Image:sbemail39.PNG|thumb|The Cold One motto]]
[[Image:sbemail39.PNG|thumb|The Cold One motto]]
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'''Cold One''' is the most popular brand of [[Wikipedia:beer|beer]] in [[Free Country, USA]]. They are shipped in brown, nondescript bottles. The Cold One motto is "A One that isn't cold, is scarcely a One at all." Although there has been some debate as to whether they are actually alcoholic or not, it is shown in [[Peasant's Quest]] that the [[Kerrek]] rejects Cold Ones because he is a [[Wikipedia:Teetotalism|teetotaler]]. Also, since the [[Strong Bad]] [[Homestar Runner and Strong Bad Screensaver|screensaver]] displays "Premium Alcoholic Cold Ones", and that Room Temp-A-Ture Ones are "brewed in Foreign Lands", the conclusion must be that a Cold One is a refreshing type of beer. In addition, "Room Temp-A-Ture Ones" could possibly be referring to the misconception that the English prefer drinking their beer at near room temperature.
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'''Cold One''' is the most popular brand of {{w|beer}} in [[Free Country, USA]]. They are shipped in brown bottles, with the most common variety using a yellow label; the beer is also available in kegs. The Cold One motto is "A One that isn't cold, is scarcely a One at all." Despite this, cool, room temp-a-ture, warm, and not-so-cold ones have been introduced.
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It is revealed in the email "[[super powers]]" that Strong Bad can use the diamond-shaped icon on his head to open a Cold One.
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==Types of Ones==
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{| border=1 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2 style="border-collapse:collapse"
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|- bgcolor=#eeeeee
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! Type !! Picture !! About !! Appearances
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|- id="co"
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| <center>Cold Ones</center> || <center>[[Image:Cold One.PNG|45px]]</center> || Preferred by [[Strong Bad]]. ||
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*Seen: [[Where My Hat Is At?]]; [[Theme Song Video]]; [[super powers]]; [[flag day]]; [[Strong Bad's Website]]; [[video games]]; [[Population: Tire]]; [[garage sale]]; [[Senorial Day]]; [[Strong Bad is a Bad Guy]]; [[pop-up]]; [[unnatural]] (Easter egg); {{Decemberweenvent Calendar|19}}
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*Mentioned or implied: [[property of ones]]; [[theme party]]; [[suntan]]; [[Peasant's Quest]]; [[for kids]]; [[Commandos in the Classroom]]; [[strongbad_email.exe]]; [[strongbad_email.exe Disc Three]]; [[coloring]]
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|- id="coolones"
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| <center>Cool Ones</center> || <center>''not seen''</center> || A nice alternative on spring nights. ||
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*[[property of ones]] (mentioned)
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|- id="notsocoldones"
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| <center>Not So Cold Ones</center> || <center>[[Image:notsocold.PNG|45px]]</center> || Tempature is 90 degrees or higher, as said on the bottle. Enjoyed by [[Coach Z]] and [[Bubs]]. ||
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*[[property of ones]]
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*[[impression]]
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*[[Happy Fireworks]]
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*[[pop-up]]
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|- id="roomtempones"
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| <center>Room Temp-A-Ture Ones</center> || <center>[[Image:roomone.PNG|45px]]</center> || A foreign brand brewed in [[:Category:Foreign Lands|Foreign Lands]]. Could possibly be referring to the stereotype that the British prefer drinking their beer at near room temperature. ||
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*[[property of ones]]
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*[[pop-up]]
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|- id="warmones"
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| <center>Wärm Önes</center> || <center>[[Image:warmone.PNG|45px]]</center> || Foreign brand straight from the oven. ||
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*[[property of ones]]
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*[[pop-up]]
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|- id="conone"
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| <center>Cold None</center> || <center>''not seen''</center> || Not to be wished on anyone ||
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*[[property of ones]] (mentioned)
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|- id="onenotcold"
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| <center>One That Is Not Cold</center> || <center>''not seen''</center> || What the sender of [[property of ones]], Dan Waters, claims to have almost drank. Scarcely a One at all. ||
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*[[property of ones]] (mentioned)
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|- id="xtracold"
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| <center>Xtra Cold Ones</center> || <center>[[Image:Xtra Cold One.PNG|45px]]</center> || A step up from Cold Ones. ||
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*[[Cheat Commandos (toon)|Cheat Commandos]]; [[theme park]]
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|-  id="coice"
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| <center>Cold One Ice</center> || <center>[[Image:Cold One Ice.PNG|45px]]</center> || Thrown at a [[Cow Lamp|moose lamp]]. ||
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*[[portrait]]
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|- id="oldone"
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| <center><nowiki>'</nowiki>old One</center> || <center>[[Image:Oldone.PNG|45px]]</center> || Enjoyed by [[Pom Pom]], [[Homestar Runner]], and [[Strong Bad]]. ||
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*[[Summer Short Shorts]]
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*[[Date Nite]]
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*[[Play Date]]
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*[[hiding]]
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|- id="sbpaco"
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| <center>Strong Beer Premium Alcoholic Cold Ones</center> || <center>[[Image:Cold One Premium Alcoholic Screen Saver.png|180px]]</center> || From the [[Homestar Runner and Strong Bad Screensaver|screensaver]]. ||
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*[[Homestar Runner and Strong Bad Screensaver|Strong Bad Screensaver]]
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|- id="colight"
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| <center>Cold Ones Light</center> || <center>[[Image:Cold Ones Light.PNG|97px]]</center> || A {{w|Light beer|light}} variation of a Cold One. ||
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*[[Ever and More]]
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*[[Strong Badia the Free]]
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*[[Baddest of the Bands]]
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*[[Dangeresque 3: The Criminal Projective]]
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|- id="expenseones"
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| <center>Expen$e Account Ones</center> || <center>[[Image:Expense Account Ones.png|45px]]</center> || Enjoyed while on a [[business trip]]. ||
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*[[business trip]]
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|- id="codry"
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| <center>Cold Ones Dry</center> || <center>[[Image:coldonesdry.png|90px]]</center> || A {{w|Pale lager|dry}} variation of a Cold One, official beverage of [[Taranchula]]. ||
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*[[buried]]
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*[[Strong Badia the Free]]
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*[[Baddest of the Bands]]
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*[[Dangeresque 3: The Criminal Projective]]
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|- id="coldsonlite"
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| <center>Coldson Lite</center> || <center>[[Image:coldsonlite02.PNG|45px]]</center> || A Cold One-style beverage enjoyed by Coach Z and [[The Cheat]]. It may be a reference to Canadian beer {{wp|Molson}}, while the can resembles {{wp|Coors Light}} {{--}} a strange coincidence as Molson and Coors announced they were merging in 2004. ||
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*[[labor day]]
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*[[lunch special]]
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*[[rock opera]]
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*[[Happy Fireworks]]
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*[[theme song]]
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*[[unnatural]] (Easter egg)
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*[[Ever and More]]
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*[[hremail 3184]]
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*[[Trogdor!! The Board Game (video)]]
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|- id="coesb"
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| <center>Cold Ones Extra Stout Black</center> || <center>[[Image:Cold Ones Extra Stout Black.PNG|67px]]</center> || "So rich, thick, and dark, you can't believe it's a liquid." Seems to refer to {{wp|Guinness}}. ||
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*[[Strong Badia the Free]]
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|- id="coldenone"
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| <center>Colden Ones</center> || <center>[[Image:ColdenOnes.png|45px]]</center> || A variation of the Cold One. Enjoyed by Homestar Runner before the [[Nondescript Nouns|Big Game]]. May be a reference to "{{wp|Molson}} Golden".||
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*[[Where My Hat Is At? (toon)]]
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|- id="ponk"
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| <center>PONK!</center> || <center>[[File:Cold Ones Ponk.PNG|45px]]</center> || Enjoyed by Bubs. ||
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*[[hremail 3184]]
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|- id="icecream"
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| <center>Hops and Icy Cold One flavored ice cream</center> || <center>[[File:ColdOneIceCream.png|97px]]</center> || One of the flavors of [[ice cream]] found on the code wheel for [[Peasant's Quest]]. It's claimed to be the favorite flavor of {{wp|Samuel Adams}}. ||
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*[[8-Bit is Enough]]
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|- id="hardone"
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| <center>Hard Ones</center> || <center>''not seen''</center> || Assumed to be the Cold Ones version of hard liquor (Vodka, Bourbon, etc.) An alleged ingredient in [[Santaman]]'s Chimney. ||
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*[[Dangeresque Puppet Squad: The Hot Jones Hijack]] (mentioned)
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|- id="problemone"
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| <center>Problem Ones</center> || <center>''not seen''</center> || Apparently responsible for Homestar and Strong Bad's original designs. ||
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*[[@StrongBadActual Tweets 2016#764276734631882752|@StrongBadActual]] (mentioned)
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|- id="noncoldonesaholic"
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| <center>Non-Cold Onesaholic</center> || <center>[[File:Kerrek Brau Cap.png|90px]]</center> || [[Kerrek Brau]] {{--}} "Non-Cold Onesaholic" and "4.5% taste".  Made with 100% real sweat from the Kerrek's brow.  ||
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*{{Decemberweenvent Calendar|19}}
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|}
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== [[Property of Ones]] ==
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== The Property of Ones ==
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{{seemain|Bogus Mathematical Theorems#The Property of Ones|Bogus Mathematical Theorems}}
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We consider a One with the following properties:
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According to Strong Bad, Cold Ones obey the following [[Property of Ones]]:
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* <math>\!{\mathcal O}^{\mathrm{itude}}</math> is a measure of the Oneness of the One.
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* <math>\!T</math> is the temperature of the One.
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* <math>\!c^{\mathrm{itude}}</math> is the coldness of the One.
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The Oneness of the One can be determined by the following simple formula:
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<center><math>{\mathcal O}^{\mathrm{itude}}\propto c^{\mathrm{itude}}</math> .</center>
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We expect the coldness to approach zero when the temperature of a One is very large; likewise, it is reasonable to define coldness to be infinite as temperature approaches absolute zero:
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<center><math>\lim\limits_{T\to\infty}c^{\mathrm{itude}}=0,\quad\lim\limits_{T\to0^+}c^{\mathrm{itude}}=\infty</math> .</center>
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This is compatible with the expected inverse relationship between coldness and temperature:
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<center><math>c^{\mathrm{itude}}=\frac1T</math> .</center>
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As a result, we can rewrite our expression for Oneness in terms of temperature:
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<center><math>{\mathcal O}^{\mathrm{itude}}=\frac{k}T</math> ,</center>
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so that <math>k</math> is a proportionality constant (in units of Oneness times [[Wikipedia:Kelvin|kelvins]]) that uniquely determines the Oneitude of a One given its temperature. In Strong Bad's own words, this can be simply stated:
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<center><math>\mbox{The One}^{\mathrm{itude}}\mbox{ is directly proportional to the Cold}^{\mathrm{itude}}\mbox{ of the One.}</math></center>
<center><math>\mbox{The One}^{\mathrm{itude}}\mbox{ is directly proportional to the Cold}^{\mathrm{itude}}\mbox{ of the One.}</math></center>
Or in other words:
Or in other words:
<center><math>\mbox{ The colder it is, the more of a one it is.}</math></center>
<center><math>\mbox{ The colder it is, the more of a one it is.}</math></center>
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==Types of Ones==
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== Fun Facts ==
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*''Cold Ones'' &mdash; Preferred by Strong Bad.
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[[Image:Cold Ones Light Old Style.png|thumb|Old [[Style]] Cold Ones]]
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*''Cool Ones'' &mdash; A nice alternative on spring nights.
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* Though rarely explicitly referred to as [[alcohol]]ic, Cold Ones are indeed meant to depict beer {{--}}
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*''Not So Cold Ones'' &mdash; Enjoyed by [[Coach Z]] and [[Bubs]].
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**The [[Homestar Runner and Strong Bad Screensaver|Strong Bad screensaver]] depicts a "Premium Alcoholic Cold Ones" sign.
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*''Room Temp-A-Ture Ones'' &mdash; A foreign brand brewed in [[:Category:Foreign Lands|Foreign Lands]].
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**In ''[[Peasant's Quest]]'', the [[Kerrek]] rejects Cold Ones because he is a {{w|Teetotalism|teetotaler}}.
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*''Wärm Önes'' &mdash; Foreign brand straight from the oven.
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**Room Temp-A-Ture Ones are a variant that is "brewed in [[Foreign Lands]]".
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*''Cold None'' &mdash; Not to be wished on anyone.
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* The [[Strong Bad Email]] [[super powers]] revealed that [[Strong Bad]] can use the blue diamond icon on his head to open a Cold One.
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*''Xtra Cold Ones'' &mdash; A step up from Cold Ones.
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* The "Cold Ones Light" logo closely resembles the [[Wikipedia:Pabst Brewing Company#Old Style|Old Style]] beer logo.
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*''Cold One Ice'' &mdash; Thrown at a [[Cow Lamp|moose lamp]].
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*{{w|Spoetzl Brewery|Shiner Bock}} bottles are used to represent Cold Ones in the live-action [[Strong Sad Paunchbaby]] commercial, likely due to their similar goldenrod-colored labels.
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*''<nowiki>'</nowiki>old One'' &mdash; Enjoyed by [[Pom Pom]], [[Homestar Runner]], and [[Strong Bad]].
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* In [[The Jeff Rubin Jeff Rubin Show Interview - 7 July 2014|a 2014 interview]], [[Matt Chapman]] discussed a time around [[2000]] when [[The Brothers Chaps]] pitched ''[[Homestar Runner (body of work)|Homestar Runner]]'' as a television show to networks including [[Nickelodeon]] and [[Disney]] {{--}} in these meetings, they were told that they could not include references to Cold Ones if the series were to be produced for their networks. This, among a few other concerns about creative control, led to the brothers deciding to continue self-publishing [[homestarrunner.com|online]] instead; [[Run Devil Run Interview|by 2003]], they no longer had any interest in producing a ''Homestar Runner'' TV show.
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*''Premium Alcoholic Cold Ones'' &mdash; From the [[Homestar Runner and Strong Bad Screensaver|screensaver]].
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*''One That Is Not Cold'' &mdash; The sender of [[property of ones]] almost drank this brand. Hardly a One at all.
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*''Cold Ones Light'' &mdash; A [[Wikipedia:Light beer|light]] variation of a Cold One.
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<gallery>
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Image:Cold One.PNG|<center>Cold One</center>
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Image:notsocold.PNG|<center>Not So Cold One</center>
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Image:roomone.PNG|<center><small>Room Temp-A-Ture One</small></center>
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Image:warmone.PNG|<center>W&auml;rm &Ouml;nes</center>
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Image:Xtra Cold One.PNG|<center>Xtra Cold One</center>
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Image:Cold One Ice.PNG|<center>Cold One Ice</center>
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Image:Oldone.PNG|<center>'Old One</center>
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</gallery>
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== Coldson Lite ==
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[[Image:coldsonlite02.PNG|thumb|162px|The Cheat's cold one of choice]]
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'''Coldson Lite''' is a Cold One-style beverage enjoyed by Coach Z and [[The Cheat]]. It may be a reference to [[Wikipedia:Molson|Molson]], a Canadian beer. It looks suspiciously like a can of [[Wikipedia:Coors Light|Coors Light]] &mdash; a strange coincidence as Molson and Coors announced they were merging in 2004.
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{{clear}}
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==Appearances==
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<table width="100%">
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<autocolumn cols="3" width="33%">
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*'''Debut:''' [[Where My Hat Is At?]]
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*[[Theme Song Video]]
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*Email [[super powers]]
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*Email [[flag day]]
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*Email [[property of ones]] (Cold None [mentioned], Not So Cold One, Room Temp-A-Ture Ones, W&auml;rm &Ouml;ne, Cool One [mentioned])
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*Email [[theme party]] (mentioned)
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*[[Strong Bad's Website]]
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*Email [[suntan]] (mentioned)
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*Email [[impression]] (Not-So-Cold One)
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*Email [[labor day]] (Coldson Lite)
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*Email [[video games]]
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*Email [[lunch special]] (Coldson Lite)
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*[[Cheat Commandos (toon)|Cheat Commandos]] (Xtra Cold Ones)
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*[[Population: Tire]]
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*Email [[theme park]]
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*[[Peasant's Quest]] (mentioned)
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*Email [[for kids]] (mentioned)
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*Email [[rock opera]] (Coldson Lite)
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*Email [[garage sale]]
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*[[Senorial Day]]
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*[[Happy Fireworks]] (Not So Cold, Coldson Lite)
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*[[Commandos in the Classroom]] (mentioned)
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*[[Strong Bad is a Bad Guy]]
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*[[strongbad_email.exe]] (mentioned)
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*[[strongbad_email.exe Disc Three]] (mentioned)
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*Email [[portrait]] (Cold One Ice)
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*Email [[pop-up]]
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*[[Summer Short Shorts]] ('Old One)
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*Email [[theme song]] (Coldson Lite)
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*Email [[coloring]] (implied)
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*Email [[unnatural]] (Cold One and Coldson Lite) (Easter egg)
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*[[Homestar Runner and Strong Bad Screensaver]]
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*[[Date Nite]] ('Old One)
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*[[Ever and More!]] (Coldson Lite and Cold Ones Light)
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</autocolumn>
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</table>
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== See Also ==
== See Also ==

Current revision as of 04:51, 11 November 2025

"Beer" redirects here. For other types of beer, see Alcohol#Beer.
The Cold One motto

Cold One is the most popular brand of beer in Free Country, USA. They are shipped in brown bottles, with the most common variety using a yellow label; the beer is also available in kegs. The Cold One motto is "A One that isn't cold, is scarcely a One at all." Despite this, cool, room temp-a-ture, warm, and not-so-cold ones have been introduced.

Contents

[edit] Types of Ones

Type Picture About Appearances
Cold Ones
Preferred by Strong Bad.
Cool Ones
not seen
 A nice alternative on spring nights.
Not So Cold Ones
Tempature is 90 degrees or higher, as said on the bottle. Enjoyed by Coach Z and Bubs.
Room Temp-A-Ture Ones
A foreign brand brewed in Foreign Lands. Could possibly be referring to the stereotype that the British prefer drinking their beer at near room temperature.
Wärm Önes
Foreign brand straight from the oven.
Cold None
not seen
 Not to be wished on anyone
One That Is Not Cold
not seen
 What the sender of property of ones, Dan Waters, claims to have almost drank. Scarcely a One at all.
Xtra Cold Ones
A step up from Cold Ones.
Cold One Ice
Thrown at a moose lamp.
'old One
Enjoyed by Pom Pom, Homestar Runner, and Strong Bad.
Strong Beer Premium Alcoholic Cold Ones
From the screensaver.
Cold Ones Light
A light variation of a Cold One.
Expen$e Account Ones
Enjoyed while on a business trip.
Cold Ones Dry
A dry variation of a Cold One, official beverage of Taranchula.
Coldson Lite
A Cold One-style beverage enjoyed by Coach Z and The Cheat. It may be a reference to Canadian beer Molson, while the can resembles Coors Light — a strange coincidence as Molson and Coors announced they were merging in 2004.
Cold Ones Extra Stout Black
"So rich, thick, and dark, you can't believe it's a liquid." Seems to refer to Guinness.
Colden Ones
A variation of the Cold One. Enjoyed by Homestar Runner before the Big Game. May be a reference to "Molson Golden".
PONK!
Enjoyed by Bubs.
Hops and Icy Cold One flavored ice cream
One of the flavors of ice cream found on the code wheel for Peasant's Quest. It's claimed to be the favorite flavor of Samuel Adams.
Hard Ones
not seen
 Assumed to be the Cold Ones version of hard liquor (Vodka, Bourbon, etc.) An alleged ingredient in Santaman's Chimney.
Problem Ones
not seen
 Apparently responsible for Homestar and Strong Bad's original designs.
Non-Cold Onesaholic
Kerrek Brau — "Non-Cold Onesaholic" and "4.5% taste". Made with 100% real sweat from the Kerrek's brow.

[edit] The Property of Ones

See main article: Bogus Mathematical Theorems

According to Strong Bad, Cold Ones obey the following Property of Ones:

The Oneitude is directly proportional to the Colditude of the One.

Or in other words:

The colder it is, the more of a one it is.

[edit] Fun Facts

Old Style Cold Ones

[edit] See Also

Retrieved from "http://www.hrwiki.org/wiki/Cold_One"