Coach Z's Problems

From Homestar Runner Wiki

Revision as of 17:09, 12 September 2021

"The Coach Z says, 'I have more than two prablems.'"

As explained in Main Page 11 and Who Said What Now?, Coach Z has claimed to have "more than two problems". An analysis of his behavior shows the following problems:

Alcoholism

• He has been drunk multiple times, usually on Listerine.
• He spiked the punch at the senior prom with Listerine.
• He called Marzipan while drunk, along with Bubs.

Anti-Social Behavior

• He wears a disturbingly small bathing suit when swimming, and doesn't realize that it makes others uncomfortable.
• It has been implied that he has a crush on Marzipan. He has occasionally made "inapprapriate" comments about her and has let it slip that he snuck into her house. It now seems that he has been given a restraining order prohibiting him from coming within 500 feet of Marzipan's house.
• He's been arrested twice, the first time being sent to a juvenile prison and the second time being tried as a minor, with his own defense lawyer having trouble believing his innocence despite possible evidence exonerating him of his unnamed crime.
• He has been known to respond to "what's up" with information about his butt or other embarrassing physical problems, according to a song about how to be more socially acceptable, sung by Homestar.
• He pretended to get a call from his parents during which he lied about having prepared a traditional Decemberween dinner and inviting guests while actually dining alone on Salisbury steak.
• He had previously answered personal date ads sent by the King of Town, despite being warned not to.
• He asked Homestar Runner to marry him.
• He implies that committing "premeditated murder in cold blood" is a normal mistake someone might make.
• He boasts "nobody can get fatally irresponsible with an animal like Coach Z".

Financial

• He claims he has money, but not much.
• He lives in a gymnasium locker room.
  • He has also been seen living in the Gremlin as though it were an apartment.
• He frequently has his power shut off because he forgets to pay his bills.
• He has occasionally attempted to be sent to prison, since he would be guaranteed "three square meals a day".
• He can't afford "the money cost variety" for ice cream.
• He will flow and/or freak for food.

Hygiene

• He holds the record for the longest time gone without showering.
• He wears sweaty pants.
• He showers with spit.

Lack of Generally Common Knowledge

• Despite being a coach, he doesn't know what a basketball is.
• He's bad at abbreviations.
• He claims to only know a few words, such as "pfargtl", his "favorite animal".
• At one point, he believed that the shower heads in his locker room were his "drippy, broken speakers".
• He believes a cardboard box with a detached microphone is a record studio.
• He thinks cooking with hydroelectricity means running a hot dog under the shower.

Medical

• He has "problems with his feet", including athlete's foot, bunions, corns, and calluses.
• He has mentioned several times that he has a bad back.
• When his bathing suit is removed, he leaks a black fluid.
• He has bad hand-eye coordination.
• He once had chronic athlete's tongue, rub rash, and hot pooey.
• He makes squishing noises when removing his "skin tight green job".

Psychological

• He thinks that he is a mother.
• He sometimes forgets what's real and what's just in his head.
• He has an obsession with butts and butt-patting. He thinks people touching their own butts is a good thing, and is, according to Homestar, "re-known" for his self-butt pats.
• He seems to believe he's in a relationship with Bubs.
• He has short-term memory loss.
• He once asked a drawing he made to be his bride.
• He believes that a sketch of a cell phone is a real cell phone.
• He does not seem to learn things from his past experience.
• He has an imaginary friend named "Real Live Actual Mr. Blangcaster Next Door", who looks very shady by the shape of his outline.
• He thinks a little eyeball-vomit is a natural side effect of try-harding.

Speech Impediment

See Coach Z's Accent

Miscellaneous

• He often pukes his pants.
• He carries a bottle of questionable water with him at all times for questionable reasons.
• Even when he finds he's eating something awful, he still eats it.
• He enjoys covering puke in sawdust, claiming that "Sawdust makes everything delicious".
• He admits he likes a good chafe.
• He never seems to notice or complain that there is itching powder in his jock strap.
• He thinks Strong Sad is yellow.

See Also

• Crimes Committed by Strong Bad
• Bubs's Shady Business Practices