subject: Why, the Brothers Chaps, Why?

Dear Jeff and Sandy,

Decemberween hath come and gone
And my seasonal toon still yet is done
No laughs I have at 'Ween's expense
And thus myself shall make no sense.

Sincerely,
The Monkey Who Smokes Occasionally

HAPPY DECEMBERWEEN, HRWIKI!!!

The Smoking Monkey

"The Smoking Monkey" is not a good commando name, either

For one reason or another, you have come to the user page of the man calling himself The Smoking Monkey.

Welcome! Feel free to read some of the rambling crap I've written here, or look at the funny picture of me dressed like Batman on Halloween doing an unintentional impression of Firebert not long after wearing a mask got old! Either way, you win, and you win big! I may not have been raised by a cup of coffee, but I'm certainly saving the best for last. In conclusion: LOOK LIVELY!#

The Real Monkey (When Primates Stop Being Nice...And Start Being Real!)

Hello, fellow HRWikiers! My name is Dave. I'm 28, an Army combat veteran of Operation Iraqi Freedom, and I've been a huge H*R fan since stumbling across it surfing the "web" after I got back from Iraq in late 2003. I liked it immediately, but it wasn't until crazy cartoon (when I laughed so hard I nearly killed myself when the lemonade I was drinking almost went into my lungs) that I knew I had fallen in love with the quirky web cartoon.

When not working, I dabble in fiction and non-fiction writing, making music, video gamin', and yes, the occasional beer or two or three. For those that would care, I quit smoking months ago, although I still slip up every now and again.

What in the World is the Smoking Monkey Not Doing Right Now?

I am not listing the lyrics of Oingo Boingo's seminal hit, On the Outside:

Oingo Boingo - On The Outside Lyrics

They laugh at me aloud

They say I'm just a clown

That I ain't got no pride

I'm on the outside

The girls look really cute

They really make it work

They think I'm just a jerk

I'm on the outside

I never could sit still

I never was too hip

I never caught the ride

I'm on the outside

I'm on the outside, I'm on the outside now

This is where it all begins right here

On the outside lookin' in, I'm on the outside

I never was a punk

I never shot junk

I never even tried counter

Culture passed me right by

(I'm on the outside)

Don't talk to debutantes

Don't eat in restaurants

The patrons sit and stare

The waiters make wise cracks behind my back

(I'm on the outside)

Teachers there in school

They flunked me by the rule

They say I had no motivation, brains or dedication

I guess the imbeciles were right I'm on the outside

I'm on the outside, I'm on the outside now

This is where it all begins on the outside looking in

Looking in

At you

I'm just an alien through and through

Tryin' to make believe I'm you

Tryin' to fit

Just a stranger on the outside looking in

The disco makes me sick I

Wear the wrong clothes

I say the wrong things

You know I can't dance

My feet are much too wide (I'm on the outside)

You think you set the trends

You wear your hair just right

Your clothes are out-a-sight

Your house is modern really kitch

You get so macho when you're with your bitch

(I'm on the outside)

I see them go to work

I see them go to sleep

I see them on T.V.

I see them laugh and cry

I'm on the outside. I'm on the outside. I'm on the outside

(Repeat chorus)

I'm on the outside. I'm on the outside now

I'm on the outside

I'm on the outside now

Alter Egos

My absence here at HRWiki is due to two things: a higher workload, and my important work at the Uncyclopedia. If you like comedy, and nonsense (well, a lot of it is nonsense), try Uncyclopedia, the wiki devoted to such things. My alter ego there is Wild Weasel where I've created a half dozen pages and freshened up a dozen more! What whimsical fun! As Oscar Wilde once said:

"Homestar Runner is like a bar of soap. Sure, it'll keep you clean, but you can't eat it."

What is the Smoking Monkey's Favorite (Fill in Blank) Right Now?

• One word: coffee
• Another word: Holiday
• Yet another word: football

Sage, Sage Wisdom We All Can Use

"Let your anger be as a monkey in a pinata, hiding with the candy, hoping the kids don't break through with a stick."

Monkey the Enforcer (Are You a Good Editor or a Bad Editor?)

Here HRWiki, I was a law-and-order type, maybe like the Mel Gibson character in Lethal Weapon, though I'm not suicidal, or teamed with a cagey old veteran cop nearing retirement, or short, or Australian. Come to think of it, I'm nothing at all like the Mel Gibson character in Lethal Weapon. I'm an inactive member of the Recent Changes Patrol, and focused most of my energy there, at one time making sure every edit was a good edit. To date, I have caught five trolls, and I like to think they learned a valuable lesson. But more than likely, not.

One day long ago, I had my first (and only) battle with a Willy on Wheels style vandal, eventually beating them back with the help of Venusy and bkmlb. And, as part of the battle, I'm proud to say my own user and talk pages were vandalized! After the damage was repaired, the question arose: what would a smoking monkey on wheels look like? Venusy came up with this delightful image. Motorists, be warned: the smoking monkey on wheels often makes triple lane changes without signaling and will cut you off just for the thrill of it!

Monkey the Creator!?!? (There's No Intelligent Design Here)

I'm constantly amazed at the dedication and professionalism of the major (and minor!) contributors to this site. At one time, I took a relatively active role in creation and editing instead of just keeping the peace. Here are some of the things I'm most proud of:

Free Country, USA

I was shocked to see the community noticed my work on Free Country, USA and made it a featured article! It came about oddly - some anonymous user added some info, and I reverted it. Then someone re-reverted it: "it was good", they said. Then I reverted it again. Then It's dot com stepped in and reminded me just because an edit is anonymous, it's not automatically bad. Then, I started looking closely at the article, and before long, I got a wee bit obsessive adding things, sorting other things out, and generally trying to flesh out what Free Country was. It's interesting to note how similarly the article now resembles actual Wikipedia articles about real countries - coincidence or fact?!

geddup noise

Sitting bleary eyed in front of my terminal at 6:30 one morning, I was amazed - a new sbmail, geddup noise! And, before I even thought twice, I checked the wiki to see the completed article. Lo and behold, the transcript was 10% done! I nearly started jumping up and down in impish glee - finally, a chance to smash out a rough transcript. With my friend Microsoft Word and the "play" button of Flash player, I slogged through the sbmail twice before I came up with this busted masterpiece. A dozen edits later, it was up to this (along with the work of a half-dozen others during that feverish time!), and I got that warm feeling of self-satisfaction I always suspected I'd get if I ever got a chance to do a transcript.

Random Refreshings

One of my creative drives here can be summed up in this concept: Random Refreshings. Using the HRWiki's "Random Page" button, I surf around looking for articles to freshen up. Sometimes, I'll find articles with piecemeal content - there's nothing wrong with the article, but perhaps with a little more structure, some tweaking, and a dash of encyclopedic-sounding jargon, an article can get closer to that "academic" feel that's absolutely necessary for a knowledge base about a cartoon that stars an armless guy with no pants(?), a two-bit wrestleman and his little yellow dog.

Some of the illustrious articles to receive my Random Refreshings include:

• Balding Man
• On Point Kings
• Tire
• Old-Timey Marzipan, Sickly Sam
• Double Deuce
• Nibbles
• Homestar Jr.

(Let's not exclude non-random refreshings, Monkeyman!)

• Cheerleader, So and So, What's Her Face, The Ugly One

Pasta Salad

To date, this is the only article I created out of whole cloth, as it were. And what a doozy! I seemed to have sparked off a minor firestorm in the community over the article, because the subject matter was so minor. But I made the article because it was one of the funniest things I have yet encountered at H*R. If you haven't seen the clip, watch old comics and check for easter eggs at the end! "IT TASTES SO GOOD!!!"

Teen Girl Squad Issue 10 Minor Characters

I uploaded some PNGs for this extravaganza, and maybe some will survive the surge of activity surrounding the release of everyone's favorite teen-based comic! I helped non-stubbify Manolios Ugly One, uncover the true meaninglessness of Olympic Man and Coach, and dash off a little piece on A Mighty Warrior. Naginatas are dangerous, and corn is no place to be! Or something like that.

What's the Deal With the Monkey Name, Anyway?

I know someone out there has wondered, "why is this yahoo calling himself 'the smoking monkey'? Is he obsessed with monkeys? Does he think he's being ever-so-clever by hinting at some kind of laissez-faire slacker lifestyle? The answer to these important questions are: I'm not exactly sure, not really, and no. Some months ago, mass media was running this human interest story - er, a chimpanzee interest story - about a chimp in the Johannesburg Zoo that had picked up smoking. Much like the idiots one sees at the zoo throwing junk food to endangered species*, South African idiots had been throwing lit cigarettes at the chimps. And, wouldn't you know it, one chimp aped his distant genetic relatives and started smoking them on a regular basis.

Now, if there couldn't possibly be any more idiocy crammed into this story, the talking heads relating the story said marvelously insightful things after rolling the clips like, "I don't think that's setting a very good example for children!" and "Monkey see, monkey do, right? Ha, ha, ha." In short, the story was such a mixture of the mundane, the ridiculous, and even the tragic, I identified with that chain-smoking chimp, and felt he needed to be honored somehow. And so a name, such as it is, was born.

The Monkey's Gallery of Some of His H*R Favorites! In Technicolor!

Gonna have a real good good good good time tonite!	Still at large	Excardon me, ma'am	Totally not getting teen pregnant **
Liquid and leather - in equal measure!	He also fights the crime, but not as much	I can't tell you how happy I am for you to be with me	(Not) Doing the hully-gully on the Panama Canal
What more do they WANT?!?!	They tell him not to!	A different kind of tiny, tiny dance	What exactly does Haddi-man know, anyway?
Not a fan of corn	Just like Mom used to make	Someone here will be testifying before Congress	One day that half-eaten Pop Tart will be his

Monkey Shout-Outs! Certain Users Get Prizes!

These guys were swell, and this is my testament to them.

• It's dot com - The consummate H*R sage. His no-nonsense, yet fair, attitude (not to mention his expansive contributions to the HRWiki) are some of the reasons he was recently made a sysop. If you have important HRWiki questions or need help figuring something out, he's your man. And, if you mess around, he's the guy who's gonna drop the hammer on you!
• E.L. Cool - Based in Israel, E.L. gives the HRWiki a little international flair. Good-natured and possessing of the sense of humor one would expect from a fan of H*R, E.L. always up to something positive. Plus, he can translate your name into Hebrew! Very, er, cool.*******
• Rogue Leader - Unlike some of the more rambunctuous (and sometimes destructive) youngsters around here, young Rogue truly has his act together. He contributes, he regulates, he has two small dogs. Plus, he digs Star Wars, so he's aces in my book.
• AbdiViklas - He used to be notstrongorbad, but now he's AbdiViklas! He also plays musical instruments, to possibly include the cowbell, kazoo, triangle, accordion, and saxamophone. This guy is all up ons H*R knowledge, providing an introspective look at everyone's favorite web cartoon. He's done a lot more since this and this, but anyone who can run up the word count on H*R and still make good sense is an asset to the community!

The Monkey Reveals His Impression Abilities!

If there was something I've always wanted to do, it would be voice acting. But, failing that, I can always imitate the work of other voice actors to my great satisfaction. I'm pretty adept at impressions, and happily, the "cast" of H*R are mostly easy for me to do. Here, for no reason, is my candid assesment of my Matt Chapman mimickry efforts:

I do a pwetty good Homestaw Wunner	My Strong Bad is dead on...says me	Meh...You wanna hear my The Cheat? Too bad!	STRONG MAD IS HARD! STRONG MAD IS HARD!
Whiny, but not whiny enough	Needless to say he's impossible without a straw and milk	Exobably so, Valerie	My Coach Z is goerd
I can't do Bubs to save my grits - Shut up, Kids!	The King is the easiest to Doo-Hoo-Hoo!	Obviously, I'm awesome at this guy	I can do a passable "ah-ah-ah-ah!" but I'm no jengajam

The Smoking Monkey Pledge (i.e., the small red print)

I will not, under any circumstances, be faded. - THE SMOKING MONKEY

Wha?!? Footnotes!?! Yes, Sadly, Footnotes. You Will Be Tested On This.

* Seriously, if you do this, stop. Gorillas do not need Twinkees to survive any more than a chimp needs a Marlboro. Like, imagine you were in a cage and some stupid monkey kept throwing nits at you. Who wants to eat nits? Monkeys. You see? Steel-trap logic, steel-trap logic.

**The discussion (backlash!?) regarding the infamous "teen pregnant" line is one of the strangest things I've seen at the HRWiki. It's gonna be hggghaghl righhhht, folks.

*** Fortuitously, there is no longer a "***". It used to refer to my user picture, but now, since my user picture is actually me (dressed as Batman and looking for all the world as if I had always meant to be Firebert), there is no more Monkeyquote. For those missing Monkeyquote (that should be approximately none of the users of this fine Wiki), simply a) take a piece of paper b) get a writing implement c) write something d) read it. Is it funny? Did it make you chuckle? Could you see a tormented monkey in a strip-ed suit thinking what you'd just written? If the answer is "yes," put the piece of paper in a self-addressed envelope and mail it to Holland. Why? Because the Dutch could use some cheering up these days, that's why.

# LOOK LIVELY!

*******For you, E.L., just for you!