Thy Dungeonman 3 Messages

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A list of all the messages that appear in Thy Dungeonman 3.

Spoiler warning: Plot or ending details follow.

Contents

[edit] Opening

Ye find yeself in yon dungeon.
Thou art surrounded by...
Thy Graphics!

Thy Dungeonman 3
Behold thy graphics!

How to Play:
Be not frightened by all yon extremely good graphics, this is STILL
a Thy Dungeonman game where ye type a lot of words and read even
more.

-LOOK at everything (look bread)
-try to GET everything (get bread)
-TALK to people (talk breadman)
-USE things (use bread)
-type INV to see thy inventory
-type SAVE 1 (or 2 or 3) to save thy game
-type LOAD 1 (or 2 or 3) to load it
-use UP ARROW to cycle through previous commands


Press ENTER to crank it up....

[edit] Everywhere

  • LOOK
    {the description of the room you are in}
  • KILL BIRD
    • If you don't have the bird:
      There is no bird here. Try one of the other rooms, like one with the word BIRD in the description.
    • If you are in the room with the bird, or have the bird:
      Ye can't take anymore and try to silence the bird forever. As it pecks out the first eye ye thinks to yeself, "This is not going well." Things continue in similar, gruesome fashion until thou art seriously pecked through. Thou art dead. Try better next time.
      (You die)
    • If you have already used the bird:
      Thy bird has taken off for greener pastures.
  • LOOK BIRD
    • If you don't have the bird:
      There is no bird here. Try one of the other rooms, like one with the word BIRD in the description.
    • If you have the bird:
      Ol Picky has found a never-ending feast of corn in thy ear. Truly an ugly bird. And the sounds it doth make! Ye can taketh the morbling. It's the ganching that really cheeses thee off.
    • If you have already used the bird:
      Thou sort of misses that old bird. The corn in thy ear is starting to build up.
  • USE/PUT/POUR BLOOD/CATSUP/KETCHUP/CONDIMENT ON HEAD/SELF
    • First time:
      Ye taps the bottle and twists the cap, dumping the thick ketchup all o'er thy head. Perhaps twill help dread thy hair like ye wanted in middle dungeonschool.
      (Score 2 points)
    • Later times:
      Done that already. Think up something new to type.
  • USE KETCHUP/etc
    • If you haven't used it:
      How dost thou wish to use the fake ketchup?
    • If you have:
      Thy fake ketchup is spent already.
  • LOOK KETCHUP/etc
    Thou starts to feel woozy, but then thou realizes the ketchup is fake.
  • EAT/DRINK KETCHUP/etc
    Bad idea. It doesn't kill you right now or anything. But that stuff art full of cholesterol and leads to a fairly unhealthy death much later in life.
    Translation: do something else with the ketchup. Thou art dead. Thanks, but no thanks.
    (You die)
  • LOOK/READ MAP
    The crusty map contains filthy directions for traversing the woods to an old hag's house. Like most things in thy inventory, it smells.
  • LOOK STEIN
    Looketh like a Franken Brand stein.
  • LOOK GLOVE/GAUNTLET
    Boy art thou ever gonna get ye some flask with this thing!
  • USE/PUT ON/WEAR GLOVE/GAUNTLET or PUT GLOVE/GAUNTLET ON
    • First time:
      Ye slips the unfortunately moist flask getting glove onto thy hand. Tis a perfect fit! That flask won't know what getted it!
      (Score 1 point)
    • Later times:
      Thou art already wearing it. Wear it down.
  • REMOVE/TAKE OFF/DROP GLOVE/GAUNTLET
    • If you're wearing it:
      Naw, it makes ye feel tough. Not Kigalonian tough, but tough nonetheless.
    • If not:
      Thou haventh eventh puth ith on yeth!
  • LOOK GOLD/COIN/COINS/MONEY
    • Before you spend them:
      It's all about the ... who the heck is that on these coins?
    • After:
      Gosh you miss those coins.
  • LOOK CORN
    It's... wait for it... an earful.
  • LOOK BREAD, GET BREAD, TALK BREADMAN, USE BREAD
    Thou art very good at the Instruction Screen. In fact, ye wins. Now start playing Thy Dungeonman 3 again.
  • SAVE
    Sorry to break out of character, but please specify a game slot to save to (1-5). Ex.: "save 1".
  • SAVE 1/2/3/4/5
    • If it worked:
      Saved it on down. Type "load {whichever slot}" to get it back.
    • If it didn't:
      Error saving game from autosave. Your Flash player security settings may be prohibiting save data. Right-click, choose settings and change the amount of 'Local Storage' and try again.
  • LOAD
    Sorry to break out of character, but please specify a game slot to load from (1-5). Ex.: "save 1". Also, you can try "load auto" to load the last autosave.
  • LOAD AUTO
    • If it worked:
      Loaded a game from autosave.
    • If it didn't:
      Error loading game from autosave.
  • LOAD 1/2/3/4/5
    • If it worked:
      Loaded a game from slot {whichever slot}
    • If it didn't:
      Error loading game from slot {whichever slot}. Sure you got one?
  • INV/INVENTORY/STUFF
    • If you're empty-handed:
      Nothing but streets and roads.
    • If you're not:
      Ye has:
      followed by your inventory:
      a dumb bird
      a big ol' bone
      some corn
      a stein
      fake ketchup
      sweet coins
      woods map
      flask-grabbing glove
      and then a random one of:
      and an unbearable lightness of being.
      and years of emotional baggage.
      and some stories for your grandkids.
      and that smug expression on thy face.
  • GO/WALK/TRAVEL/RUN/{nothing} NORTH/N
    Thou can't go that way. I guess your copy of "Lonely Dungeon: Westerburg" is out-of-date.
  • GO/etc SOUTH/S
    No puedo hacerlo. Lo siento, Dungeonhombre.
  • GO/etc EAST/E
    Go east, eh? Thou're killing me. Thou can't go east. Try again some other time.
  • GO/etc WEST/W
    Aren't you the king of wishful thinking. Too bad there are no exits in that direction, because I've heard life is peaceful there.
  • LOGOUT
    Connection closed.
  • PWD
    Wastes of Time/Dumb Games/Dungeonman 3/{the room you're in}
  • BYE
    Exiting Windows 3.1
  • GIVE UP
    Hey, man. Be cool: stay in school.
  • QUIT
    Um, if you say so. Don't expect your money back though.
    (Return to Videlectrix)
  • LOVE YOU/I LOVE YOU
    And I will always love thou.
  • I LOVE THIS GAME
    Dungeonmaster action: it's fan tastic.
  • GET/TAKE/ACQUIRE/GRAB FLASK
    Ho, ho. Aren't thee witty? Twere it that simple we wouldn't have bothered making this game.
  • HANG OUT
    You've always been a procrastinator - hey you got a birthmark when you were nine. Zing! Seriously though, game over. You not really dead but you lack the focus required to complete thy mission.
    Try one of those online chatty games.
    (You die)
  • I'M OUTTA HERE
    Agreed. Pick a direction or something.
  • PLAY GAME
    One step ahead of you.
  • Everything else: A random one of:
    Say who, dungeonbabbler?
    '{whatever you typed}' is not recognized as an internal or external command, operable program or batch file.
    I don't understand you. I cannot understand you. I don't understand the things you say. I can't understand a single word.
    Thou're not very goodst at thist gamest.
    Make the bad typing go away, Mommy.
    Sorry. Thy Dungeonman parser is english only. Spanish and Idiot not spake here.
    Huh?
    Say what now?

[edit] Yon Dungeon

Ye find yeself in yon dungeon. Thou art tied up with ropes. The spiked walls of the dungeon closeth in on thee. A dongrel skeleton with sharp CLAWS hangs next to you. A BONE layeth upon the ground. Obvious exits are nowheres!
Ye find yeself in yon dungeon. The spiked walls of the dungeon closeth in on thee. A dongrel skeleton with sharp CLAWS hangs next to you. A BONE layeth upon the ground. Obvious exits are nowheres!
Ye find yeself in yon dungeon. The spiked walls of the dungeon closeth in on thee. A dongrel skeleton with sharp CLAWS hangs next to you. Obvious exits are nowheres!
Ye find yeself in yon dungeon. The spiked walls of the dungeon are jammed open with a big ol' bone. A stone door layeth open to the NORTH. A dongrel skeleton with sharp CLAWS hangs next to you.
  • After 12 steps
    The spikey walls draw so nearer that there is no more room for you betwixt them. Thy POKE! Thy SQUISH! Thy DEADGEONMAN. Thou art dead. Hurry up next time!
    (You die)
  • After every third step
    Note to thyself: The spikey walls draw nearer.
  • GET/etc CLAW/CLAWS or CUT ROPE/ROPES/STRING/BINDING/TWINE WITH SKELETON/SKULL/DONGREL/CLAW/CLAWS or USE SKELETON/etc
    • First time:
      Now thou art using thy dungeonsmarts! You shimmy all up on the dead dongrel and its razor sharp claws slice through the ties that bind. Thou art free!
      (Score 1 point)
    • Later times:
      I like thous't spirit. Try everything a couple of times... it just might work. Except: No.
  • LOOK CLAW/CLAWS
    Wicked sharp. Good thing he or she is dead.
  • LOOK SKELETON/SKULL/DONGEREL
    Tis quite dead, though its claws still look wicked sharp.
  • LOOK BONE
    • Before you pick it up:
      A sturdy leg bone layeth upon the dungeon floor.
    • After:
      Thouist holding a sturdy leg bone.
    • After using the bone:
      The bone bravely gave its life to stop the walls from getting ye.
  • LOOK FLOOR
    • Before you pick up the bone:
      A sturdy leg bone layeth upon the dungeon floor.
    • After:
      On the floor standeth a Dungeonman.
    • After using the bone:
      On the floor standeth a hawt Dungeonman.
  • GET/etc ROPES/etc
    • While still tied up:
      Nuh-uh. They gots YOU.
    • After cutting yourself loose:
      They's is too frayed. You join the fray.
  • LOOK ROPES/etc
    The ropes art stout and scratchy, just like ye likes thy ale.
  • LOOK CHAIN
    Tis definitely of the non-gettable variety.
  • GET/etc CHAIN
    No good. Ye thinks it's merely a lookable chain, not a gettable one.
  • GET/etc SPIKES
    Nay. They gonna get THEE!
  • TALK DONGREL/SKELETON/SKULL
    Ye decide to waste time talking to the dead dongrel skeleton. Good one.
    (Wastes 3 turns if you haven't stopped the walls)
  • GET DONGREL/SKELETON/SKULL
    • Before stopping the walls:
      Tis chained to the ceiling. But it may aid you yet!
    • After:
      Tis chained to the ceiling. It already aided you good.
  • STOP/JAM WALLS/SPIKES
    • While still tied up:
      That's why thou art tied up. So ye couldn't stop the walls.
    • After cutting yourself loose:
      With thy own body, right? That's gonna happen anyway.
  • STOP/JAM WALLS/SPIKES WITH BONE
    • While still tied up:
      That's why thou art tied up. So ye couldn't stop the walls.
    • After cutting yourself loose, before you pick up the bone:
      You no has!
    • After picking up the bone:
      Ye waits until the spiked walls draw dangerously close then thou jammeth the sturdy bone in their collective craw! The walls shudder and quay and finally withdraw! A stone door opens to the NORTH! Exclamations!
      (Score 3 points)
  • JAM/USE/THROW/DROP BONE
    • Before you pick up the bone:
      You no has!
    • After:
      Ye waits until the spiked walls draw dangerously close then thou jammeth the sturdy bone in their collective craw! The walls shudder and quay and finally withdraw! A stone door opens to the NORTH! Exclamations!
      (Score 3 points)
  • LOOK WALLS/SPIKES
    • Before you stop the walls:
      They draw nearer and the spikes appear extra pointy. Ye wonders whose job it is to sharpen them.
    • After:
      Stupid mean ol walls. Never again, ye swears.
  • GET BONE
    • While still tied up:
      Thou wouldst, if thou weren'st tiedst upst.
    • After cutting yourself loose, first time:
      Bone grasped!
      (Score 2 points)
    • Later times:
      Thou done grasped it already!
    • After you stop the walls:
      That would severely unstuck the walls and severely stuck-stuck thy face. Bad idea.
  • GO/etc NORTH/N or OPEN/USE DOOR
    • Before stopping the walls:
      That's not an option right now. How did thou even know about that?
    • After:
      (Go to Some Sanctum)
  • LEAVE
    • Before stopping the walls:
      No can do, friend. Thou art missing a little thing I like to call "a way out".
    • After:
      (Go to Some Sanctum)
  • CUT ROPES/etc WITH WALLS/SPIKE/SPIKES or USE WALLS/etc
    • While still tied up:
      Thou wouldst be severely dead by the time they drew near enough. Maybe there's something else sharp around here...
    • After cutting yourself loose:
      Think of something new.
  • CUT ROPES
    • While still tied up:
      Good idea! How?
    • After cutting yourself loose:
      I like it, I like it. One more time, then?
  • LOOK DOOR
    • Before stopping the walls:
      There ist no door! As far as thee knows.
    • After:
      Tis quite open. All the which to make the going through much easier.
  • GO/etc WEST/W/EAST/E/SOUTH/S
    The walls in this room are totally cramping thy style.

[edit] Some Sanctum

Thou art in a large sanctum. Atop a pedastal ye see a FLASK.
  • GO/etc SOUTH/S
    (Go to Yon Dungeon)
  • LOOK SANCTUM
    Thou can'tst decide whether tis an "inny" or an "outey" sanctum.
  • LOOK PEDESTAL
    An extremely boring stone pedestal that bores you to look upon it.
  • GET/etc PEDESTAL
    Naw, man.
  • LOOK FLASK
    Tis the elusive flask ye have been searching for thy whole dungeonlife!
  • LOOK COLUMNS/PILLARS
    Ugh, Roman. Ye HATES Roman columns. Thou art an Ionic dungeonman through and threau.
  • GET (YE) FLASK
    This tis it! After years of searching and hundreds of dungeons, thou art finally going to get ye flask! Ye reaches out thy trembling hand and...

    VOIP!

    The entire dungeon, flask included, vanishes around thee. Suddenly, thou art above ground, under a black and orange sky. Thou wert so close! Ye must find that dungeon at all costs and claim ye flask!
    (Go to Crossroads)

[edit] Crossroads

Ye find yeself at a grassy crossroads. Ye see a wooden SIGN. Paths lead NORTH, SOUTH, EAST, and WEST.
A fresh dungeon DOOR layeth in the ground. Ye find yeself at a grassy crossroads. Ye see a wooden SIGN. Paths lead NORTH, SOUTH, EAST, and WEST.
  • LOOK CROSSROADS/ROADS/CROSSROAD/ROAD
    Ye find yeself at a grassy crossroads. Ye see a wooden SIGN. Paths lead NORTH, SOUTH, EAST, and WEST.
  • LOOK SIGN or READ
    It sayeth the village of Westerberg lies to the east. Goest figure.
  • GET/etc SIGN
    Tis too large and too pointy. Oh, and no.
  • LOOK BUSHES/BUSH/TREE/TREES/FLORA
    Haven't ye ever heard of window dressing?
  • GET/etc GRASS/WEEDS
    Yon crossroads are grassy, but not '{whatever you typed}' grassy.
  • GO/etc NORTH/N
    (Go to Monastery Outside)
  • GO/etc SOUTH/S
    (Go to Bridge which looks troll-friendly)
  • GO/etc EAST/E
    (Go to Overlook)
  • GO/etc WEST/W
    (Go to Thickly thuckled woods)
  • LOOK DOOR
    • If the dungeon door is here:
      Tis a dungeon door, thou art sure of it! Ye can almost hear that flask laughing at thee from within.
    • If it is not:
      Nope. Not hear.
  • GET/etc DOOR/DOORWAY
    • If the dungeon door is here:
      The village idiot could do better than thee.
  • OPEN DOOR/DOORWAY or GO IN/ENTER DOOR/DOORWAY

[edit] Monastery outside

Thou art outside a small monastery. An annoying whiner BIRD sits nearby, morbling and ganching. The crossroads lie SOUTH and the entrance to the monastery is NORTH.
Thou art outside a small monastery. The crossroads lie SOUTH and the entrance to the monastery is NORTH.
  • LOOK MONASTERY/CHURCH/CHAPEL/STEEPLE/BUILDING/HOUSE
    Tis monastic as all get out. The words "Fatmonk Monastery" are hewn into the stone.
  • GET/etc BIRD
    • Before taking the bird:
      The hungry whiner bird nearly pecks off a knuckle. Perhaps if ye made friends with it...
    • After:
      Thou've already had the bird as a shoulder ornament. Be cool.
  • MAKE FRIENDS
    • Before taking the bird:
      Bribery is the sincerest form of flattery. Or something like that.
    • After:
      Thou can't think of a better friend than an old corn-ear-nibbler.
  • TALK TO BIRD or MORBLE or GANCH
    Thy morbling is a bit rusty. And ye hasn't ganched since thou wert a pimple-faced dungeonteen.
  • KILL BIRD
    Ye can't take anymore and try to silence the bird forever. As it pecks out the first eye ye thinks to yeself, "This is not going well." Things continue in similar, gruesome fashion until thou art seriously pecked through. Thou art dead. Try better next time.
    (You die)
  • LOOK CROSSROADS
    They are to the south. No points for asking.
  • LOOK TREE
    Well, it's a tree. Elm, deciduous, mid-growth forest. Thou takest a core sample and count the rings to discover it to be 32 years old. My lord thou art a nerd.
  • LOOK ROCK/STONE/PEBBLES
    Just part of the photo we digitized.
  • LOOK BIRD
    • Before taking the bird:
      Truly an ugly bird. And the sounds it doth make! Ye can taketh the morbling. It's the ganching that really cheeses thee off.
    • After: {see above}
  • GO/etc SOUTH/S
    (Go to Crossroads)
  • GO/etc NORTH/N or OPEN DOOR
    (Go to Monastery interior)
  • USE/GIVE CORN or FEED
    • Before getting the corn:
      A way to a bird's heart is through its stomach. Unfortunately, the way to giving corn is having corn in the first place.
    • After:
      Thou givest the corn to thyself. Thanks, thyself!
  • USE/GIVE CORN TO BIRD or FEED BIRD
    • Before getting the corn:
      A way to a bird's heart is through its stomach. Unfortunately, the way to giving corn is having corn in the first place.
    • After, first time:
      Ye holds out a handful of corn. The bird stops its whining and hops into your hand. Ye've made a new friend! He rides quietly on thy shoulder and nibbles corn out of thy ear. Why ye put corn in thy ear we'll never know.
      (Score 2 points)
    • Later times:
      Ye repeats the same commands over and over again until thee gets really boring. Oh, wait: already too late.

[edit] Monastery interior

The monastery is small and cramped. A large cauldron layeth in the center of the room. A group of robed monks eat at a small table. Oh wait. Just one, really fat MONK eats at a small table. Upon the table is a STEIN. The exit tis back SOUTH. Upon the table is a STEIN. The exit tis back SOUTH.
Wow, thou art a glutton for punishment. Speaking of gluttons, ol' Fatmonk McMunchalot clubs thee over the head yet again.

We can only assume that thou dead and that thou needed more salt. Way to go.

(You die)

  • GO/etc SOUTH/S
    Go to Monastery outside
  • LOOK STEIN/MUG/CUP/BEER/DRINK
    Looketh like a Franken Brand stein.
  • LOOK CAULDRON/POT
    Tis full of a cold broth.
  • LOOK MONK/FRIAR/DUDE/GUY/MAN/FATTY/FATMAN/GORDO/MOUND
    He could be a nice man.
  • LOOK TABLE
    Ye suspects the table may also serve as the friar's bed and *shudder* chamber pot.
  • LOOK WINDOW
    Tis pointy at the top, and wide at the neath, just like ye likes thy swords!
  • LOOK HAM/MEAT/FOOD
    Tis one of those pineapple upside-down hams.
  • GET/etc HAM/etc
    A good way to lose a finger, forsooth! Ye decides to leaveth the ham alone.
  • LOOK BROTH
    Looks a little bland. Could maybe use some meat.
  • GET/etc CAULTRON/etc/BROTH
    Nay. Ye suspects it might actually be the monk's laundry. Ye further suspects that won't stop him from eating it.
  • TALK MONK
    "Oh! I didn't see thee come in! Welcome to Fatmonk Monastery. I am Fat, Fat Friar." You ask tubbs if he has seen a rogue dungeon roaming about. "There used to be a dungeon on a nearby screen, but that up and disappeared about {time since you GOT ye FLASK} seconds ago."
  • GET/etc STEIN
    You snatch up the stein. Suddenly, the mound o' monk clubs thee over the head with a mutton chop! Ye always thought ye would look good with mutton chops. Everything goes black as pitch...

    Thou awaketh. Now thou art inside the large cauldron.
    (Score 1 point, go to Crock Pot, Inner Monastery)

[edit] Crock Pot, Inner Monastery

Thou awaketh. Now thou art inside the large cauldron. Tis full of progreffively warmer and warmer broth. Fat, Fat Friar is slicing carrots and potatoes into the stew by biting off chunks and spitting them out. Oh, and ye also has the stein. Apparently, that wasn't why he knocked you out. The exit tis back SOUTH.

"Please understand, tis nothing personal," says Lord Round Mound, "Foodstuffs art scarce these days and thou aren't." Um, wasn't this guy just eating an entire glazed ham?
Thou art inside the large cauldron. Tis full of progreffively warmer and warmer broth. Fat, Fat Friar is slicing carrots and potatoes into the stew by biting off chunks and spitting them out.
  • After 7 steps:
    The pot begins to bubble. Thy first instinct is to excuse thyself and apologize. Then thou noticeth a peculiar, being-cooked sensation and the distinct odor of mincemudge. At any rate, thou art stew and Fat, Fat Friar gets a little bit closer to being Fat, Fat, Fat Friar thanks to thee. Thou art dead. Next time, Try Hard 2: Try Harder.
    (You die)
  • TALK MONK/etc
    He's done talking. Now he's biting and spitting again.
  • EAT STEW
    Not bad. Tastes like when thou eats the skin off thy lips.
  • LOOK WINDOW
    Ye wouldn't fit through it. Wasn't there another way out of this room before?
  • GET OUT or GET OUT OF CAULDRON/POT or LEAVE CAULDRON/POT or GO/CLIMB/JUMP OUT OF CAULDRON/POT
    Okay, but which direction wouldst thou go?
  • GO/CLIMB/JUMP OUT WINDOW
    Twasn't there a door 'round here somewheres?
  • LOOK MONK/etc
    Yuck. Just... yuck. This guy turned out to be a total jerk.
  • LOOK KNIFE
    Looks ready to slather ye with butter.
  • LOOK SPOON
    Never has a spoon looked so menacing.
  • GET/etc KNIFE/SPOON
    Twould be like removing the sword from the stone. 'Whoso pulleth out the utensils of this meaty palm is rightwise king born of England and privy to my secret recipe for cupcakes.'
  • LOOK CAULDRON/POT
    It's much roomier in here than it looked.
  • GO/etc SOUTH/S
    Ye hops out of the pot and headeth south through the doorway. Ye made it! "Go south!" Who woulda thought? Thou're never going back there again.
    (Go to Monastery outside, score 3 points)
  • STAND
    Great idea, but thou art already standing. What thou needsth is a way to go SOUTH.
  • SIT
    Thou might drown. Drowing in broth might not be as bad as drowning in other stuff, but thou could never really sample more than one to know for sure.
  • ATTACK/etc MONK/etc
    No time for rough housing! Thou needs to finds a way outta here post haste!
  • GET/etc CAULDRON/POT/CARROTS/POTATOES or LOOK POTATOES/CARROTS
    What does thou want with stew supplies? Currently, THOU ART stew!
  • GIVE/USE BIRD/CORN
    "Ye call THAT foodstuffs?" scoffs Father Posterior

[edit] Overlook

Ye standeth at an overlook which, surprise, overlooks the village of Westerburg. There is a vegetable CART here complete with vegetable cart MAN and vegetable cart vegetable: CORN. A village lies to the EAST and a crossroads to the WEST.
Ye standeth at an overlook which, surprise, overlooks the village of Westerburg. There is a vegetable CART here complete with vegetable cart MAN and vegetable cart vegetable: CORN. A village lies to the EAST and a crossroads to the WEST. A fresh dungeon DOOR layeth in the ground.
  • GO/etc EAST/E
    (Go to Streets of Westerberg)
  • GO/etc WEST/W
    (Go to Crossroads)
  • LOOK CART/WAGON/WHEELBARROW
    The cart is full of corn. Tis a cornful cart.
  • LOOK GUY/DUDE/MAN/PERSON/VCD
    The vegetable cart dude looks like the type 'twoud follow around traveling minstrels, sleeping in his cart and selling rotten vegetables to teenagers for gas money...er, kerosene money.
  • LOOK CORN/VEGETABLE/CARTCORN
    The corn is piled high upon the cart. Tis some good lookin' cartcorn.
  • LOOK OVERLOOK
    Did ye really just type that?
  • LOOK VILLAGE
    That art one big village! At least 4 or 5 screens big!
  • GET CORN
    • Before you buy the corn:
      "Hey man," sayeth the vegetable cart dude, "if that plague of locusts hadn't screwed up the harvest forthwith, I'd totally hook thee up. As it stands, I gotta charge ye an unspecified amount of gold coins."
    • After:
      Thou has already corn. Don't be a cornhoarder.
  • STEAL CORN
    • Before you buy the corn:
      Thou gives a furtive glance left and right, so as to not reveal thy intentions. Thou art so darn shifty that thou reveals thy intentions. Ye art totally busted.

      Thoust are dragged off by security subject to the eye-for-an-eye, corn-for-a-corn punishment system, the details of which we needn't discuss. Trust us: you dead. Corn is not a source of moral fibre.
      (You die)
    • After:
      Thou has already corn. Don't be a cacher in the corn.
  • TALK GUY/etc
    Ye asks if he hath seen thy dungeon in his travels. "Yeah, I think I met that dungeon. One of those intense, crush-ye-with-spikes types, right? Last I saw it was
    Then, depending where the dungeon door is, one of:
    a couple screens south of the crossroads."
    by the entrance to those freaky woods, man."
    um, sitting right there."
    o'er at the crossroads."
  • BUY CORN or USE/GIVE GOLD/COINS/MONEY
    • Before getting the coins:
      "Sorry, Dungeon Joe. This cart accepts organic, cruelty-free gold coins only. You got?"
    • After getting the coins, first time:
      Ye handeth the bag of coins to the veggie cart dude. He hands ye a handful of dried corn in return. Commerce at work. "Here you go," says the VCD,
      followed by a random one of:
      "Think flatly, act locally."
      "Magick happens."
      "Visualize whirled peas."
      "Subvert the dominant paradigm."
      "Kill your scrolls."
      (Score 2 points)
    • Later times:
      Thou has already corn, and less so some gold coins. Try something not as dumb.
  • LOOK DOOR
    • If the dungeon door is here:
      Tis a dungeon door, thou art sure of it! Ye can almost hear that flask laughing at thee from within.
    • If it is not:
      Nope. Not hear.
  • GET/etc DOOR/DOORWAY
    • If the dungeon door is here:
      The village idiot could do better than thee.
  • OPEN DOOR/DOORWAY or GO IN/ENTER DOOR/DOORWAY

[edit] Streets of Westerberg

Ye stands in the midst of the village of Westerberg. Music and meatsmell assail thy senses. A tavern lies to the NORTH, a pub to the SOUTH, and a sandwich shoppe to thy EAST. The overlook tis back WEST.
  • GO/etc WEST/W
    (Go to (Overlook)
  • GO/etc EAST/E
    (Go to (Outside the sammich shoppe)
  • GO/etc NORTH/N
    (Go to Non-pub Tavern)
  • GO/etc SOUTH/S
    (Go to Pub)
  • LOOK PUB/SOUTH
    Looks inviting.
  • LOOK TAVERN/NORTH
    Looks enticing.
  • LOOK SHOPPE/EAST
    Looks delightful.
  • LOOK OVERLOOK/WEST
    Meh.
  • LOOK WESTERBERG/BUILDINGS
    Awesome. Better than Filthdowne, even.
  • LOOK TOWN/VILLAGE
    Ye stands in the midst of the village of Westerberg. Music and meatsmell assail thy senses. A tavern lies to the NORTH, a pub to the SOUTH, and a sandwich shoppe to thy EAST. The overlook tis back WEST.
  • LOOK CHURCH/TOWER/STEEPLE/LIGHTHOUSE/WINDOW/COTTAGE
    Ah, Westerberg! The sights, the sounds, the meatsmell! Ye hath finally made it!
  • LOOK MEATSMELL
    Tis a grayish brown cloud.
  • GET/etc MEATSMELL
    Ye wish. If ye could bottle that stuff, ye could retire from dungeonmannery forever!
  • RETIRE
    Fine. See thou later. You has no job and you die of starvation, hunger, malnutrition or something dull like that. Good riddance
    (You die)
  • BOTTLE MEATSMELL or BOTTLE anything else or anything else involving MEATSMELL
    Stop. Just stop.
  • LISTEN TO MUSIC
    Sounds like the Peasant's Quest theme.
  • GET/etc MUSIC
    I hate thee.

[edit] Outside the sammich shoppe

Thou art standing in front of a Poultry Sandwich Shoppe. You believe you've seen one of these in Wensleydire. Must be a chain. There is a big ol' SIGN atop a pole, a WINDOW, and exits WEST and EAST.
  • GO/etc EAST/E
    (Go to Just an empty street)
  • GO/etc WEST/W
    (Go to Streets of Westerberg)
  • Anything containing WENSLEYDIRE
    If only, my friend. If only.
  • LOOK SIGN/SIGNAGE/POSTER/INFO
    It says "Ye Olde Sandwich Shoppe", and in smaller letters, "Closed Todays."
  • LOOK SHOP/SHOPPE/STORE
    Thou art standing in front of a Poultry Sandwich Shoppe. You believe you've seen one of these in Wensleydire. Must be a chain. There is a big ol' SIGN atop a pole, a WINDOW, and exits WEST and EAST.
  • LOOK SIDEWALK
    Other villages marvel at the advanced sidewalkery of Westerberg.
  • LOOK BARREL
    A very small barrel. Maybe made by a small man. A mini cooper if thou will.
  • GET/etc BARREL
    You pull at the small barrel but it remains firmly stuck to the background graphic.
  • GET/etc SIGN/etc
    It is rotating on the pole too quickly to grab.
  • Anything containing POLE
    It's not that kind of game. Sorry.
  • LOOK/OPEN DOOR
    It's one of the more closed and locked doors thou hast seen lately. Scores a 10 on the closed and locked meter. A+ for closedness.
  • LOOK WINDOW/GLASS
    Looks like a typical poultry joint. There is a DISGRUNTLED CLEANING GUY by the CONDIMENT BAR.
  • GO/CLIMB THROUGH/USE WINDOW/GLASS
    Thou doesn't fit or there is glass or something like that.
  • BREAK/SMASH WINDOW/GLASS
    If there was glass in the window, and we're not saying there is, it is made of unbreakable combs. Clear unbreakable combs.
  • OPEN WINDOW/GLASS
    It's the kind that doesn't ever open, like at your old 9-to-5'er in the castle.
  • LOOK BAR
    It's got some CONDIMENTS on it.
  • LOOK CONDIMENTS
    There is some turkey leg grease, and some BLOOD.
  • LOOK GREASE
    Thou preferest Turkey Whip.
  • LOOK BLOOD/CATSUP/KETCHUP/CONDIMENT
    It looks alarmingly like ketchup.
  • LOOK GUY/DUDE/PERSON/CLEANER/MAN/DCD/DCG
    • Before you knock:
      The DISGRUNTLED CLEANING GUY is neither gruntled nor cleaning at the present time. He doesn't see thou, either.
    • After:
      The DISGRUNTLED CLEANING GUY is neither gruntled nor cleaning at the present time.
  • GET/etc anything else
    Naw man, thou can't reach through solid matter. Thou can't even spell "solid matter".
  • GO anything else or ENTER STORE/DOOR
    It's closed. Door's locked. No.
  • KNOCK
    He sidles on over. "Sorry, mate." He says. "We're closed Todays." Thou checks thy dayrunner and it is indeed Today. "But if ye knows exactly what ye wants, just ASK FOR it." He saddles on back to the CONDIMENT BAR.
  • LOOK DAYRUNNER
    It's Today. Right on the nose. Tracy's baby shower is Tuesday, 4:30 - don't forget!
  • Anything followed by GUY/etc
    • Before you knock:
      I don't think ol' Disgruntor the Cleaninator knows thou're out here yet. Might have to knock to get his attention.
    • After:
      He sidles on over. "Sorry, mate." He says. "Still closed. But if ye knows exactly what ye wants, just ASK FOR it." He saddles on back to the CONDIMENT BAR.
  • ASK FOR BLOOD/CONDIMENT
    • Before you knock:
      I don't think ol' Disgruntor the Cleaninator knows thou're out here yet. Might have to knock to get his attention.
    • After, first time:
      "Well, all right mate." He opens the door, hands you some fake ketchup and closes the door, and slipples back to the bar.
      (Score 3 points)
    • Later times:
      He already gave that to thou and quite frankly we'd all be best off minimizing interactions with this clown.
  • ASK FOR GREASE
    • Before you knock:
      I don't think ol' Disgruntor the Cleaninator knows thou're out here yet. Might have to knock to get his attention.
    • After:
      "Can't give you that mate." Why does this idiot keep calling thou "mate?"
  • ASK FOR WHIP
    • Before you knock:
      I don't think ol' Disgruntor the Cleaninator knows thou're out here yet. Might have to knock to get his attention.
    • After:
      "My favorite, too, Mate."
  • ASK FOR anything else
    • Before you knock:
      I don't think ol' Disgruntor the Cleaninator knows thou're out here yet. Might have to knock to get his attention.
    • After:
      He slides on over. "Sorry, mate. Kitchen is closed. Otherwise I'd hook you, no foolin. The condiment bar is open, but, I mean whats a condiment without a rancid poultry sandwich to cover up?" He sibbles on back to the bar.

[edit] Just an empty street

Check it out. This street is totally empty and does not continue EAST. There is no PERSON here, nor is there a FLYER on the GROUND. The sammich SHOPPE is to the WEST. Some words are in CAPITAL LETTERS.
  • LOOK LETTERS/CAPITAL LETTERS/WORDS/HINTS
    I think those capital letters are meant to draw your attention to important objects.
  • LOOK OBJECTS
    There are no objects here. Except thou. And thou're sick of being treated like one.
  • LOOK PERSON
    There is no PERSON here. Ok, well technically thou art here, so I lied. Otherwise, empty, though.
  • LOOK FLYER/PAPER/NOTE
    Seriously, there is no FLYER here. 'Tis an empty street. It's almost like this is just here to make the game world seem bigger.
  • READ FLYER/etc
    Um, you imagine a flyer is really there, and it says "Wanted Dung on man [sic, hopefully] to make tons of gold and resque some peeples." Thy imagination is a lousy speller, what can I say?
  • GO/etc EAST/E
    No, no, no. No exits to the EAST. I'm going to have to ask thee to stop playing now.
  • GO/etc WEST/W
    (Go to Outside the sammich shoppe)
  • LOOK EAST
    Thou notices a distinct lack of an exit to the EAST.
  • LOOK GROUND
    It is utterly FLYERless and relatively PERSONless.
  • LOOK WEST/SHOPPE
    Thou aren't close enough to see the DETAILS, just that it is the sammich shoppe. Really, this room is not doing much for ye.
  • LOOK DETAILS
    Thou whip out a copy of thy favorite Dungeonmen's magazine and evision thyself with rock-hard tasty abs.

[edit] Pub

The pub is empty save for a barkeep behind the bar. The door to yon street tis NORTH.
  • GO/etc NORTH/N
    (Go to Streets of Westerberg)
  • LOOK DOOR
    It's not stopping thee from heading to yon street, to the NORTH
  • LOOK GUY/DUDE/CLEANER/MAN/BARTENDER/BARKEEP/KEEP/BARMAN
    Looks like a goode enough barkeep. Just not a very goode customerkeep.
  • LOOK KEG/BARREL/JUG
    Ye hopes tis full of Mead Ice. Ye loves that stuffe.
  • LOOK BOTTLE/BOTTLES/CONTAINERS/GLASSES/SHELVES
    All empties. Looks like the Recyckling Mage hasn't cometh yet this week.
  • LOOK BEARD
    Puts thine to shame.
  • LOOK BAR
    Two guys walk into it, a cooper and a blacksmith...
  • GET/etc BOTTLE/etc
    To drink here, what ye needs is an empty stein. Not an empty bottle.
  • GET/etc KEG/etc
    The barkeep tis bald, not blind. He would surely see thee stealing his bier. Or his beard for that matter. Don't steal his beard.
  • GET/etc STEIN
    • After using it:
      The stein has served its purpose. Besides, thou art allowed only one drink whilst on thy dungeonduty.
  • LOOK STEIN
    • After using it:
      Thou'll never forget thy old sidekick, Steiny.
  • GET/etc BEARD
    Okay, Text Adventure Gamer of the Year. Ye yanks on the barkeep's whiskers and tear out a small tuft of beard. He, in turn, uses a rusty iron hook to yank on thy innards and tear out a small tuft of thy innards. Tis grody. Thou art dead, but ye had to see this one coming down the Main Thoroughfare. Try, Thy again.
    (You die)
  • STEAL BEARD
    Ye waits until the barkeep tisn't looking and swipes his beard from off his face! He, in turn, swipes thy guts from out thy abdomen with a rusty hook! Fair enough trade, right? Thou art dead now, though. So maybe twasn't so fair. Die less next time, huh?
    (You die)
  • STEAL BEER/BIER/DRINK/MEAD/ALE/SWILL
    Ye gives into thy obsession with stealing things in this game and the barkeep answers by stealing thy guts from thy abdomen with a rusty hook! Ouch man. Thou art dead. Try and keep the dying to a minimum next time, 'kay?
    (You die)
  • TALK GUY/etc or ORDER/ASK FOR/BUY/GET/etc
    • Before getting the stein:
      "All me old customers stole all me steins and since drink cross the street at yon tavern. If ye've got yer own, ye can drink for free!"
    • After, first time:
      "Coming right up." The barkeep draws a disgusting looking liquid from that barrel. Thou art sure it is mongrel pee. As you quaff furtively off-camera, you ask the barkeep if he's seen any good dungeons lately.

      He looks around shiftily even though the pub is empty then says, "Gotta watch what yer say round ere's, love. If I were ye, I'd talk ter Kigalonian in the tavern cross the street. E's got
      random two of:
      a handlebar moustache
      a frenchie-type beard
      a chinstrap beard
      a full beard
      mutton chops
      an eyepatch
      a hunchback
      a scar
      and finally:
      He can help ye." Did he just call you "love"?
      (Score 1 point)
    • Later times:
      "Like I says," says the barkeep, "I'd talk ter Kigalonian in the tavern cross the street. E's got {first attribute} and {second attribute}. He can help ye."
  • ATTACK/etc GUY/etc
    Thy attempts at killing the barkeep are met with his more successful attempts at killing thee with a rusty hook. Thou art dead. If ye wanted to quit playing this game so bad, ye can just QUIT, ye know?
    (You die)
  • ORDER/GET/etc MEAD ICE
    "I don't serve that pig swill 'ere!" sayeth the barkeep, "Nu'n but badger swill fer me customers."
  • USE/GIVE STEIN
    • Before getting the stein:
      Thou doesn't have a stein to give the ill-equipped barkeep.
    • After: {same as TALK GUY, above}

[edit] Non-pub tavern

The tavern tis jumpin. All manner of TOUGHS, street and otherwise, fill the dimly lit room, restricting thy access to the bar. The exit lies SOUTH.
  • GO/etc STAIRS/STAIRCASE or LOOK STAIRS/SHELVES
    They're just for show! Jeez. Maybe these graphics were a bad idea after all.
  • GO/etc SOUTH or LEAVE
    (Go to Streets of Westerberg)
  • LOOK BAR
    Ye can hardly see it through all the burlap and filth.
  • ORDER DRINK/BEER/MEAD/ALE
    What dost thou think this is, a pub?
  • LOOK TOUGHS/JERKS/MEN/MAN/DUDES/GUYS/PEOPLE/FELLOWS/LADY/GIRL/WOMAN/WOMEN/LADIES
    Unsavory looking fellows, the lot of them. That sounded medieval, right?
  • TALK/LOOK PIRATE
    Tisn't a pirate. Tis clearly a swashbuckler and he wants nothing to do with thee.
  • TALK/LOOK SWASHBUCKLER
    Twouldn't if I were ye. Unless ye wants thy swash severely buckled.
  • BUCKLE SWASH
    Yikes! Ye've been walking around with thy swash unbuckled for the entire game!
  • LISTEN
    Thou triest thy best to overhear some bawdy conversation, but all ye hears is 'dubloons', 'pantaloons' and 'balloons'.
  • TALK TOUGHS/etc
    • Before getting the map:
      Unless thou hast someone specific to TALK TO, I wouldn't waste me time. Er, ye time.
    • After:
      Thou art done in here. And a map covered in human waste is probably the best yer gonna get outta this crowd.
  • LOOK KIGA/KIGALONIAN
    All these toughs have thy backs turned to ye and thou aren't sure which one is Kigalonian.
  • TALK/ASK KIGA/KIGALONIAN
    • First time:
      All the toughs at the bar turn around and glare at ye. Apparently, Kigalonian tis a popular name round these parts. Better pick the right one to talk to.

      To which one will thou talk?
      • If you get it wrong:
        Ye asks this gruff tough how he likes his dungeons. Hmm. Hmmmmmmmm. Yeah, he kills you. Either ye got the wrong guy, or the barkeep at the pub tis a real jerk. Thou art dead. Be better at this game next time.
        (You die)
      • If you get it right:
        Ye ask the tough if he knows of a place round here where a fella can get a nice dungeon. He smiles, "I see ol' Pub Barkeep sent ye, eh?" The pub's barkeep's name is Pub Barkeep?

        Kigalonian continues, "Well, if it be dungeons yer lookin for, ye should seek out the old hag what lives in the woods west of the crossroads. But yer'll need a MAP. Ere, take mine."

        "I jus been usin it ter clean me chamber pot anyway." Ye reluctantly taketh the map. Kiga, as you've just started calling him, goes back to his bawdy conversation.
        (Score 3 points)
    • Later times:
      Thou art done in here. And a map covered in human waste is probably the best yer gonna get outta this crowd.

[edit] Thickly thuckled woods

Wow. Not to freak thee out or anything but these are some seriously creepy, thickly thuckled woods. Yikes. There is a LOG all lying about. The crossroads lie EAST.
Wow. Not to freak thee out or anything but these are some seriously creepy, thickly thuckled woods. Yikes. There is a LOG all lying about. The crossroads lie EAST. An overgrown path lies WEST.
Wow. Not to freak thee out or anything but these are some seriously creepy, thickly thuckled woods. Yikes. There is a LOG all lying about. The crossroads lie EAST. An overgrown path lies WEST. A fresh dungeon DOOR layeth in the ground.
  • GO/etc EAST/E
    (Go to Crossroads)
  • GO/etc NORTH/N/SOUTH/S/WEST/W
    • Without the map:
      Gosh. Ye must be lost. Ye swears ye has seen the same dumb LOG before. The safety of the crossroads beckons to the EAST
      It's starting to get dark. And scary. And I think that LOG is following you. The safety of the crossroads beckons to the EAST
      Seriously, dungeonguy. We needs out of here. Even the LOG is freaking. The safety of the crossroads beckons to the EAST
      Isolation and hunger drive you into madness as you go further and further into the woods. Thou feel a sharp pain as thou feel someone eating thy leg. Thou realisest it is thee. You dead. Too bad. Town was just to the EAST this whole stupid time.
      (You die)
    • With the map:
      Now that ye has the MAP of the woods, ye handily navigate the woods into the next plot element.
      (Go to Hag's clearing)
  • LOOK WOODS
    Thickly thuckled. If thou doesn't has a map, though is likely to get crazy lost. Or crazy and lost.
  • LOOK COINS
    • Before you get the coins:
      Who leaves money just lying around in bushes, logs and tall grasses?
    • After:
      It's all about the ... who the heck is that on these coins?
  • LOOK LOG
    'Tis all hollowed out like in a kid's story or something. T'would be awesome if there were something INSIDE LOG
  • LOOK INSIDE or LOOK INSIDE LOG
    • Before you get the coins:
      Some dolt left their gold coins in here. Doesn't anyone bury jars in the backyard anymore?
    • After:
      There isn't really anything left in the log except some dank log insides.
  • GET COINS
    • First time:
      OMG! Some totally undeserved gold. You pocket that lewt forthright!
      (Score 2 points)
    • Later times:
      Already did that. Looking for a loophole in the game, eh?
  • GET LOG
    Thou can't pick it up. Painful memories of finishing last in the Worlds Strongest Dungeonman contest are dredged up. Thou can't believe what mean cheaterheads Magnus and Junko are.
  • GET DANK/INSIDES
    • After you get the coins:
      Dost thou really think thou art gonna "use dank log insides" later on in this game?
  • LOOK DOOR
    • If the dungeon door is here:
      Tis a dungeon door, thou art sure of it! Ye can almost hear that flask laughing at thee from within.
    • If it is not:
      Nope. Not hear.
  • GET/etc DOOR/DOORWAY
    • If the dungeon door is here:
      The village idiot could do better than thee.
  • OPEN DOOR/DOORWAY or GO IN/ENTER DOOR/DOORWAY

[edit] Hag's clearing

Using Kigalonian's doodoomap, ye traverse the woods and arrive in a small, hag-strewn grove. An ancient HAG sits on a stump, ferngullying to herself. A SCRAPBOOK sits on the ground nearby. Thy friend the log is back EAST.
An ancient HAG sits on a stump, ferngullying to herself. A SCRAPBOOK sits on the ground nearby. Thy friend the log is back EAST.
  • GO/etc EAST/E or LEAVE
    (Go to Thickly thuckled woods)
  • LOOK STUMP
    The Hag hast a pretty fresh sitting stump, ye have to admit.
  • LOOK WOODS/TREE/TREES
    Thickly thuckled ain't the half of it.
  • LOOK HAG/WITCH/LADY/WOMAN/CHIC
    • Before getting the glove:
      Her beard doth rival thine own. Ye swears she keeps mumbling something about a dungeon.
    • After:
      She looks much happier now, despite what those graphics tell thee.
  • TALK HAG/etc
    • Before using the ketchup:
      "Away with ye," she shrieks, "I speaketh only to me dead husband who died of a bloody head!" She becomes abruptly silent and goes back to her landbeforetiming. A bloody head, eh?
    • After using the ketchup, first time:
      "AHH! Can it really be ye, Cramforth?" the hag asks. "If it be, then ye wouldn't mind answering a few personal questions bout us to prove it, would ye?" GULP! Art thou ready to answer the hag's personal questions?
      • No:
        "Then I'll never know for sure," sniffs the hag. You Dungeonheartbreaker.
      • Yes:
        "Very well. If ye answers questions three, then I'll know thou art me precious Cramforth."
        (Score 1 point)

        Three questions
        Where didst we geaux on our honeymoon? A: Wensleydire, B: Rottenscab, C: Blood Area, or D:Zork?
        What did ye get me for me 114th birthday? A: Toad, B: Eyeball, C: N64 Paddle, or D:Commemorative mug?
        How many wee hags didst we have together? 1, 2, 3 or 4?
        Get any wrong:
        "IMPOSTER!!" screams Hagatha Christie and leaps at you with jagged claws. At first, ye thinks she's just pouring ketchup all o'er ye. But then ye're like, oh right, that's my blood. Thou art dead. Next time maybe use the NOTES section we provided at the back of the manual.
        (You die)
        Get them all right:
        "Cramforth! Tis really ye!" mistaking thee for her dead husband. Ye suffer several prickly kisses from the hag which leave the odor of rat liqueur on thy face. "No wonder ye died of a bloody head ye forgot thy FLASK GETTING GLOVE before ye set out to vanquish that rogue dungeon."

        "Perhaps ye can still defeat that dungeon, even in thy new hotter, spectral form." Um, eww. "Here!" she says and hands ye a wicked FLASK GETTING GLOVE!
        (Score 3 points)
    • Later times:
      "Ye go show that dungeon who's lord, Cramforth! You da lord!"
  • GET/etc SCRAPBOOK/BOOK/HANDBOOK/ALBUM/PHOTOS
    I wouldn't risk taking yon scrapbook. A quick LOOK couldn't hurt though.
  • GET/etc HAG/etc
    No.
  • LOOK/OPEN SCRAPBOOK/etc
    Hoping the hag won't bite off several of thy dungeonfingers, ye picks up the scrapbook and flip through the etchings inside.
    First picture is the hag and Cramforth at a town sign that reads one of:
    Wensleydire
    founded 12
    Rottenscab
    If thou lived here,
    thou would be home
    by now
    Blood
    Area

    The way life
    should end.
    Zork
    Zork is a Krill-free
    community
    Ye closeth the scrapbook and return it to its indention in the ground. Neverthee mind what the graphic looks like. It's closed.

[edit] Bridge which looks troll-friendly

A hideous TROLL blocks thy way SOUTH. The crossroads lie back NORTH.
A clearing lies over the bridge to the SOUTH. The crossroads lie back NORTH.
  • GO/etc NORTH/N
    (Go to Crossroads)
  • GO/etc SOUTH/S
    • Before defeating the troll:
      The troll gets all up in thy business. "No one pass!" he says, "I Skull kracka! Kracka you skull!" Until he's gone, thou art not going SOUTH.
    • After:
      (Go to Just some clearing)
  • LOOK BRIDGE
    A stone bridge. These art notorious for their knife fights.
  • JUMP OFF BRIDGE
    We're not at that point yet. Ye don't suck THAT badly at this game.
  • JUMP IN/SWIM/DIVE STREAM/BROOK/RIVER/WATER
    Naw. That stream's so lazy, it prolly wouldn't even float thee.
  • GET/etc WATER/etc
    Ye cannot. T'wouldn't do anything for thee anyway, tis too lazy.
  • LOOK BONE
    • Before defeating the troll:
      Perfectly poised to pummel or pound a person pinto the pground.
  • TALK TROLL
    • Before defeating the troll, without the bird:
      Ye starts to ask the troll about thy dungeon but thy voice cracks embarrassingly instead. "ARGH!" hollers the troll, "Stop that ganching!! You no pass!" Guess he really doesn't like ganching.
    • With the bird:
      "Get bird away from me! No ganching No ganching!" screeches the troll. Jeez! What a ganchaphobe.
    • After defeating the troll:
      Tain't here.
  • ATTACK TROLL
    "What the heck," ye thinks to yeself. "I can take this guy"

    Wow were thou wrong. The troll pummels you with his bone and gores you with his tusk. As thou bleeds slowly to death thou considereth a good portmanteau for 'pummel' and 'gore'. 'Gummel'?
    (You die)
  • LOOK STREAM
    Tis the laziest stream thou hast ever seen! Get a job!
  • GANCH
    • Before getting the bird:
      Ye can't do it when thou art trying. If only ye could get someone else to ganch for thee.
    • After:
      Thy winged friend swoops from thy shoulder and dives at the troll, pecking and ganching at his hideous wig. "AGH! My style!" cries the troll and throws himself into the stream, drowning instantly.

      Guess the stream wasn't as lazy as ye thought. The bird gives thee a wink and flies off into the black sky. The way SOUTH is clear!
      (Score 2 points)
  • USE/THROW/GIVE BIRD or ATTACK TROLL WITH BIRD
    • With the bird:
      Thy winged friend swoops from thy shoulder and dives at the troll, pecking and ganching at his hideous wig. "AGH! My style!" cries the troll and throws himself into the stream, drowning instantly.

      Guess the stream wasn't as lazy as ye thought. The bird gives thee a wink and flies off into the black sky. The way SOUTH is clear!
      (Score 2 points)
  • LOOK TROLL
    • Before defeating the troll:
      The snarling troll looks like it can't wait to pummel whosoever would cross its path.
    • After defeating the troll:
      Tain't here.

[edit] Just some clearing

A clearing opens up before thee. Before ye lies what is unmistakably a DUNGEON DOOR. Skulls litter the ground. The troll bridge lies to the NORTH.
A boring clearing opens up before thee. Boring skulls boringly litter the boring ground. The boring troll bridge lies to the boring NORTH.
  • GO NORTH
    (Go to Bridge which looks troll-friendly)
  • LOOK SKULL/SKULLS/SKELETON/BONE/BONES
    • If the dungeon door is here:
      Obviously, this dungeon means business!
    • If not:
      Honk shoo.
  • LOOK MOUNTAIN/MOUNTAINS/HILL/HILLS/BACKGROUND
    The great Orange and Lighter Shade of Orange Mountains spread out before thee. Truly a majestic and decidedly orange sight.
  • LOOK CLEARING
    • If the dungeon door is here:
      A clearing opens up before thee. Before ye lies what is unmistakably a DUNGEON DOOR. Skulls litter the ground. The troll bridge lies to the NORTH.
    • If not:
      A boring clearing opens up before thee. Boring skulls boringly litter the boring ground. The boring troll bridge lies to the boring NORTH.
  • LOOK TREE/TREES/BUSH/BUSHES/FLORA
    They seem a bit too thinly thuckled for thy tastes.
  • GET/etc SKULL/etc
    Gross. No.
  • LOOK DOOR
    • If the dungeon door is here:
      Tis a dungeon door, thou art sure of it! Ye can almost hear that flask laughing at thee from within.
    • If it is not:
      Nope. Not hear.
  • GET/etc DOOR/DOORWAY
    • If the dungeon door is here:
      The village idiot could do better than thee.
  • OPEN DOOR/DOORWAY or GO IN/ENTER DOOR/DOORWAY

[edit] Some Sanctum

Ye throw open the dungeon doors and cautiously descend the stairs. The doors SLAM behind thee. There art no going back now. Thou art in a large, familiar sanctum. Atop a pedastal ye see a FLASK.
  • GO/etc SOUTH/S/NORTH/N/WEST/W/EAST/E or LEAVE
    What part of "There art no going back now." was confusing? Oh, all of it thou sayeth?
  • LOOK SANCTUM
    Thou can'tst decide whether tis an "inny" or an "outey" sanctum.
  • LOOK PEDESTAL
    An extremely boring stone pedestal that bores you to look upon it.
  • GET/etc PEDESTAL
    Naw, man.
  • LOOK FLASK
    Tis the elusive flask ye have been searching for thy whole dungeonlife!
  • LOOK COLUMNS/PILLARS
    Ugh, Roman. Ye HATES Roman columns. Thou art an Ionic dungeonman through and threau.
  • GET (YE) FLASK
    • Without the glove:
      This tis it! After years of searching and hundreds of dungeons, thou art finally going to get ye flask! Ye reaches out thy trembling hand and...

      VOIP!

      Oh right, this again. Thy dungeon vanishes and deposits thee back at the crossroads. Perhaps ye needs something to help ye get ye flask. Ye.
      (Go to Crossroads, dungeon door moves to a random one of Crossroads, Overlook, Thickly thuckled woods or Just some clearing)
    • With the glove:
      This tis it! After years of searching and hundreds of dungeons, thou art finally going to get ye flask! Ye reaches out thy trembling hand and...

      GRASP THAT FLASK!
      Tap enter at the right time to win ARCADE SEQUENCE!
      Ye grabs the flask but thou art so nervous ye drops it again! Now thou art trembling even more!
      (Score 1 point)
      Ye grabs the flask a second time but thou art so nervous ye drops it again! Now thou art trembling worse than ever!
      (Score 2 points)
      Thou hast done it!! Ye wert finally able to GET YE FLASK!
      (Score 3 points)
      The sanctum begins to rattle and hum. The walls open up to reveal...THY NEW DUNGEONHOUSE! A live-in dungeon full of mazes, scrolls, keys, and maybe even a dagger! Ye cans't believe it. Ye has thine own dungeon! This thing'll keep thee busy for years! Ye grows to a ripe old age and ye flask becomes thy favorite drinking vessel. Ye hast several failed romances o'er the years but the maidens always make thee choose between them and ye flask. Tis hardly a choice at all. Congratulations! Thou art truly...THY DUNGEONMAN!
      Score: 38 out of a possible 38 points.
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