Hremail 7

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Toon Category: Shorts
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Hremail #7
Hremail 2000 Hremail 3184
"I am contractually unable to drink, talk about, or bathe in any other liquid!"

In a retro styled Hremail, Homestar shares the goodness of melonade, then explains to Strong Bad what the internet is all about.

Cast (in order of appearance): Homestar Runner, The Cheat, Strong Bad, Strong Sad

Places: Hremail Room, Computer Room (Easter egg)

Date: Monday, May 4, 2009

Running Time: 3:51

Page title: Randy 400!!!


[edit] Transcript

{Theme music begins to play as the words " presents HREMAIL #7" gradually grow larger on the screen. "copyright 2001" appears in the bottom right corner. Cuts to Homestar Runner in his fifth design doing a dance in time to the music's hi-hat beats, which soon ends.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh hello everybody everybody! I'm Homestar Runner.

{Scene changes to show Homestar Runner sitting behind a wooden desk.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Today's question goes like-a this-a...

{Drumroll sounds, Homestar taps his shoes in anticipation.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {Reading aloud.} Greetings Homestar Runner!

{Zooms in on a piece of paper containing the email.}

{Reads "Johnny V." as "Johnny Vest in the Chest"}

{Scene changes back to the desk.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Of course I can talk about my fave-o drinks!

{Cuts to an angle shot of Homestar.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: And as a national spokesmodel for the {logo appears in the corner of the screen} Ethical Advancement of Melonade, I am contractually unable to drink, {logo slides off-screen} talk about, or bathe in any other liquid!

{Cuts back to desk.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Most folk think that melonade comes in but one flavor.

{Zooms in on Homestar with desk top still visible.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: But thanks to giant leaps in melonade technology, we can now choose from hundreds of flavor-encrusted varieties. Some of my favo flavors include:

{Zooms in on the melonade can on the desk.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Taco Annihilation, {replaces the can with one labeled the same in fiesta lettering and a mushroom cloud over a taco} Athletic Berry Blast, {slides another can next to it} Butt 1 Flavor, {places a can with a picture of a discarded cigarette butt on it near Taco Annihilation} Quadruple Triple, {slides it in front of Taco Annihilation and Athletic Berry Blast} CostaLatte Froth, {places a can with a picture of a teacup on it on the far right} and Sizzlin' Bacon Guava Quench. {places a can with bacon and guava fruit in front of Quadruple Triple and Costa Latte Froth}

{Zooms out to show Homestar again.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Or why not try the new line of powdered throat closers. {holds up a pink packet labeled Melonade Throat Closers} Apply directly to the esophagus!

{Homestar Runner opens the packet and pours the powder into his mouth. He then begins to cough, his eyes growing increasingly smaller until his throat visibly tightens.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {gasping} Huuuh— that's good stuff!

{Scene switches to show Strong Bad and The Cheat walking as music plays in the background.}

STRONG BAD: {singing off-key} I have a face, and it {unintelligible}, I'm Strong Bad, he's The Cheat and I'm Strong Bad...

{Music stops as the two arrive at Homestar's desk where he's sitting unhappily.}

STRONG BAD: What's going on here, crap for nose?

{Zooms in on Homestar Runner.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {hoarsely} Oh, hi, Strong Bad. {gradually improves} I'm in the middle of responding to a fan email.

{Switches to Strong Bad, scratching his head in confusion.}

STRONG BAD: A what-mail?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: An email, {zooms out to show everyone} like on the Internet!

STRONG BAD: A what-mail on the Inter-what?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: You know, WWW, hyperlinks, AOL keywords, {the text "AOL Keyword> Macromedia Flash 5 Animation" appears at the bottom of the screen} and all that good stuff!

STRONG BAD: Homestar, your dumbness never ceases to amaze. I don't even know half the jibber you jabber these days!

{Cuts to show Strong Sad waving his hand in the air.}

STRONG SAD: No, Homestar's right. Electronic mail {the screen goes black and hypnotic as he continues, his voice becoming increasingly echoed} is transmitted from one computer to another, via a web of computers connected to phone line—

STRONG BAD: {screen suddenly goes back to normal} Hush down, crap for mouth!

STRONG SAD: When you dial up, it sounds like this!

{Strong Sad starts imitating modem handshaking noises. Scene cuts to Strong Bad and The Cheat, then to Homestar Runner, who furrows his brow, then back to Strong Sad as he finishes. He slowly looks up. Then it cuts back to Strong Bad.}

STRONG BAD: Let me get this straight. You guys are saying that my adoring fans could be sending me piles of what-mails right now, and I'm not getting them?

STRONG SAD: {pronounces it slowly} Emails.

{Switches to a closeup of Strong Bad's mouth.}

STRONG BAD: Eeeeemails? {his mouth begins to wobble as he tries pronouncing the word}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Well, you need an email address first. I can let you borrow until you get your own domain.

STRONG BAD: Thanks, crap for ear. But my name at your name dot com sounds like a terrible email address. I'm sure I'll be able to figure out getting my own domain.

{Zooms in on Strong Bad and The Cheat as they start walking to the left.}

STRONG BAD: Come on, The Cheat. Let's walk over here a few feet and steal Homestar's computer.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Umm... that's my old one. It barely works. I'd be surprised if you could check more than forty emails on it.

STRONG BAD: Ohh, you can't fool me. This thing's top of the line! It's got two contrast knobs! {grabs the Tandy 400 out of the trash can} Let's go start answering fan mail in humorous fashion. Nobody's ever done that before!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Thanks for taking my garbage out, guys! Come back and do the dishes if you want!

{The screen shifts quickly over to Strong Sad, where he's still standing.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {angrily} Please, leave.

STRONG SAD: Awwwww... {walks off-screen sideways}

{Cuts back to a close-up of Homestar as music starts to play.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: So there you have it, Johnny! I talked about some of my favo drinks {holds up the various Melonade cans} just like you asked. I'll tell you about my non-Melonade favorite drinks in March of 2003, when my contract expires {holds up some stapled papers labeled 'The "Deal"'}. Now I have to go make me a sweet-bath.

{Zooms out as Homestar Runner walks offscreen.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {singing} a-Gonna take a bath in some Melonade... oh it kinda stings my skin...

{The words "The End" slide down.}

[edit] Easter Eggs

  • Click on the 'D' at the end to watch Strong Bad's first encounter with the Tandy 400.
    {Strong Bad and The Cheat both look at the Tandy 400's blank screen.}
    STRONG BAD: So, are these green lines the emails from my fans or what?
    THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises}
    {zooms out to show the whole room.}
    STRONG BAD: {waving arms frantically} I have to type something?? I thought this was a computer! {holding up his right arm} How am I supposed to type with—
    THE CHEAT: {cuts him off, making exclamatory The Cheat noises}
    STRONG BAD: Oh, yeah... smart thinking! Now go call Abdi and make him send me some fanmail!
    {The Cheat jumps off the stool and walks off.}

[edit] Fun Facts

[edit] Explanations

  • Many athletes endorse a brand of sports drink, or other product, and are usually seen only with that product, as it is a contractual obligation of them to do so.

[edit] Remarks

  • The Strong Bad Email backstory presented in this Hremail is an additive example of retroactive continuity.
    • Several elements of this "new" history contradict previous sbemails, which showed Strong Bad using the Tandy or other computers before 2001; however it should be noted that Strong Bad's version of history may not always be accurate.
      • 50 emails shows Homestar having difficulty recognizing a computer, much less using it to properly respond to emails.
      • no loafing features a scene in the year 1987, with Strong Bad already checking emails on the Tandy.
      • showed Strong Bad checking his first email, circa early 2000, from "Fabrosi" rather than "Abdi".
      • candy product shows Strong Bad using the Tandy on December 31, 1999. As this was a scene from a commercial for Strong Bad's SBLOUNSKCHED! Bar, it could alternatively be a later-day recreation.
      • looking old refers to Strong Bad's "eStrong Vague Online Investments" company from the late 1990s.
      • the paper showed Li'l Strong Bad using a computer to print out a program he wrote, demonstrating he was familiar with computers as a child.
  • Although this toon is designed as if it were set in 2001, characters use earlier designs (circa A Jumping Jack Contest from 2000):
  • Homestar is said to have a contract forbidding him to "drink, talk about, or bathe in" any drink or liquid than Melonade until "March of 2003". This likely a reference to caper (released on March 31, 2003) where Homestar is seen holding a mug full of hot coffee.
    • Prior to when this email was set, and therefore presumably prior to the contract being signed, 2000's Theme Song Video featured Homestar drinking a Cold One.
    • Homestar was mentioned to have Mountain Dew in techno (released on October 7, 2002), although he is not seen with it or drinking it.
    • Homestar was also seen showering in water in Main Page 14 (released mid-2001); if the contract was signed after said Main Page's release, or if the contract allowed for showering as being distinct from bathing, Homestar did not violate its terms.
  • The Athletic Berry Blast, Butt 1 Flavor, and Sizzlin' Bacon Guava Quench cans have no mention of being or containing Melonade on them.
  • The Tandy appears to be on even though it isn't plugged in.
  • Homestar's remark that Strong Bad checking "more than forty emails" would be unlikely refers to the fact that there were 40 "Tandy Era" emails.
  • Strong Bad refers to Homestar with the phrases "crap for ear" and "crap for nose" even though he does not have a visible ear or nose.
  • In this email, Homestar has a lip-sync graphic for the 'f' sound, which his modern counterpart lacks.
  • Clicking the contrast knobs on the Tandy 400 has no effect.
    • They can also be clicked through The Cheat's head in the Easter egg, but still have no effect.

[edit] Goofs

  • When Homestar says, "Some of my favo flavors include:" The beginning of the sound clip is slightly cut off.
  • The wrong font was used for the word "contrast" on the Tandy; it should be Tw Cen MT, but Arial was used instead.
  • At the end, there is a small red mark beneath the 'D' in 'End'.

[edit] Inside References

  • Homestar talks about Melonade. One of the flavors is Butt 1.
  • Strong Bad calling Homestar "Crap for Nose" and "Crap for Ear" is similar to when he refers to someone as "crap for brains".
  • In the Easter egg, Strong Bad instructs The Cheat to call up Abdi LaRue, the sender of the first Strong Bad Email.
  • In the Easter egg, The Cheat apparently tells Strong Bad how to type with boxing gloves on.
  • Strong Bad provides an explanation of why he never obtained his own domain name in April Fool 09.
  • Strong Bad's comments about answering emails from fans in humorous fashion mirrors email thunder, where Homestar Runner states that he "answers emails from fans with humorous results".
  • Homestar greets "everybody everybody", a reference to the intro song.
  • The fact that Homestar says "That's good stuff" even when he obviously seems to be in distress reflects a similar scene in environment.
  • This short uses a loading screen similar to that of Marshmallow's Last Stand.

[edit] Real-World References

  • The Melonade flavor Taco Annihilation could be a reference to the 1997 PC game Total Annihilation.
  • Homestar's phrase "Apply directly to the esophagus" is a play on the slogan "Apply directly to the forehead" for the product HeadOn.
  • When Homestar sings that he's going to take a Melonade bath, the melody he uses is the same as the Post "Golden Crisp" Cereal jingle (i.e.: "Can't get enough of that Golden Crisp; it's got the crunch with punch!").

[edit] External Links

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