History according to Strong Bad
From Homestar Runner Wiki
History according to Strong Bad is a tricky thing. Many times, Strong Bad presents things as historical fact that are either clearly false or that can't be verified. When relating legends, he often parodies actual historical storytelling techniques or attempts to revise history to make himself look better. He has also, on occasion, told what he has assured are future events, no matter how unlikely or far-fetched.
The toons listed below exhibit instances of Strong Bad recounting history that is questionable or clearly untrue.
Strong Bad is asked which Strong Bad Email is his favorite. Although Strong Bad says "[his] emails are like [his] childrens" (he loves them all), he proceeds to name his "personal favorites." While the first two emails he mentions (invisibility and gimmicks) exist, the rest have never been seen elsewhere. These emails include Bubs building a Strong Bad Robot, Strong Bad "flying" Bubs' Concession Stand while drunk on soy sauce, a sequel to tape-leg, and Pom Pom and Coach Z knife-fighting on the stone bridge. As a result, so many viewers have tried to find the nonexistent emails that an answer was added to the site's FAQ on the matter.
Strong Bad, Strong Sad, Homestar and Coach Z all offer their respective memories of how the patch of tape appeared on the couch in the basement. Strong Bad claims it's there because he cut the couch open to make a hiding place for his "Aztec gold" (actually oil filters), but the inside of the couch smelled horrible, so he taped over the cut to stop the smell.
Strong Bad explains Strong Badia's origins. Portraying himself as a Pilgrim persecuted by Strong Sad for his egg-ketchuping ways, he describes leaving Free Country, USA to set up a new colony in an empty lot behind the dumpsters, owned by Bubs. In addition, Bubs is portrayed as a "strange man who had strange ways and strange odors" with an appearance resembling that of a Native American. They later celebrate Strong Badia's first Thanksgiving at a nearby picnic table with some leftover Hardee's burgers.
Strong Bad tells the story of how he and Homestar Runner first met in a children's book. He also offers an explanation for the origin of The Cheat. After playing tennis on the Moon with Coach Z, Strong Bad returns to Free Country, USA and comes across a large pink egg, with Homestar Runner nearby. Homestar and Strong Bad get in an argument over who owns the egg, which The Prince of Town settles by proclaiming a ten-step footrace. Homestar wins, but the Prince declares that the loser gets the egg. Strong Bad and Strong Mad break open the egg, finding a lifetime supply of fishsticks inside as well as a fully-grown The Cheat. Homestar verifies Strong Bad's story, but it's implied that he thinks it's actually a fictional children's book.
Strong Bad is asked why The King of Town has a Poopsmith. In response to this he shows comic strips (over 60 years old) featuring The King of Town and The Poopsmith (then named "Mushy Chamberpot"). Strong Bad and Homestar make cameo appearances so that The Castlefunnies can mooch off of their popularity. Strong Bad does not clarify whether his appearance in the strip was an experience he actually had, or simply a representation of him. Nevertheless, the strip was canceled the following week or so when the sole remaining reader, a Civil War veteran and creamed corn enthusiast, died. Later, a "King Castlefunny Pencil Moistener" was released, but sales were low, as the Dry Pencil Scare of '47 lasted only three days. Also, Strong Bad claims the comma was first discovered by explorer and namesake Sir Loodabert Comma and his sherpa.
Strong Bad is asked about the origin of The Stick and whether it had always been a good place for hanging out. Strong Bad refuses to explain The Stick's origin, but does elaborate on The Stick's "hanging-out-itude". Although The Stick is presently a good meeting place, such was not always the case, particularly when Homestar held his weekly "bread sing-alongs" there. The Brothers Strong put a stop to these by holding The Cheat's "rhythmic chain dancing recitals" at the same time and location. After Homestar's sing-alongs' popularity faded and Strong Mad ate The Cheat's chainwhip, The Stick was the perfect spot for harrassing Marzipan and Homsar. Meanwhile, the Brothers Strong and The Cheat moved to an area behind Bubs' Concession Stand, where they named themselves the On Point Kings, had nothing to do with guff, and, ultimately, stole The King of Town's dunce cap, renaming it Lotionman. Strong Bad also claims he drilled the belly button into Strong Sad when he was younger and that Bubs' Concession Stand was founded after it fell on Mr. Bland and Señor. Strong Sad verifies the incident involving the drill (albeit from within the fabricated history) with his answer "Waah! No sir! Heck no at all!" to Strong Bad's question (after holding up a power drill) "You want another belly button there, Harry Elephanté?".
Strong Bad is asked something that he thinks he has been asked before: given his knowledge on the ladies, can he provide any tips on lady...ing. He states this might be the first email he ever checked, and The Cheat answers this by playing it on a laserdisc. The email is presented in the same style as Marshmallow's Last Stand, as well as the same boxing ring, in which Strong Bad answers this question, asked by Fabrosi. Strong Bad claims not to have competition where the ladies are concerned. He then proceeds to explain the lowdown on lady...ing, with questionable results. In an Easter egg, Homestar partially takes some of the advice from the toon.
Marc Baroni asks Strong Bad what happened to the "get up noise" his chair made when he got up. After confirming that its true name is The Geddup Noise, Strong Bad recalls that the Geddup Noise started acquiring fame around the time of the creation of Sbemail 84 (kids' book). Eventually, it became popular enough to guest star on The Show and The AM Morning "CRUDE" Crew, among other shows. The Cheat remixed The Geddup Noise for dance clubs, and characters such as The King of Town and Strong Bad tried to make cheap knock-offs, including "The Standing Up Noise" and "The Git Outcha Seat Sound", respectively. Eventually, The Geddup Noise moved to the Coches Mountains. Now, his cousin Chairscoot plays the sound of Strong Bad's stool while The Geddup Noise occasionally makes odd celebrity endorsements.
Strong Bad explains the characters' younger days, though he disclaims that his memory is extremely "unphotographic", and, therefore, stating that his histories are unreliable. In highschool, the characters filled the stereotypical roles for old cartoons about teenagers (a la Scooby-Doo) as a '70s-style gang of mystery solvers. Before that, in middle school, they were all imaginative "melon-headed babies", occupying their time pretending to be living their dreams (in reference to Muppet Babies). Homestar is portrayed as some kind of grown adult supervisor. Before that, the gang were a bunch of microscopic single-celled organisms living in a petri dish. And yet before that, they were all Romans, living in Roman times, with Don Knotts always showing up.
Strong Bad details the legends surrounding the Bear holding a Shark. According to Strong Bad, much of the Bear-Shark's origins can be seen in the constellations over Strong Badia, which show the seven elemental spirits of Strong Badia: a snake, a guy holding a big knife, a box of chicken, a piece of wood with some nails in it, a hand giving the "OK" symbol, a fish wearing an afro wig, and a British distance runner. The distance runner held up the fish with the afro wig over his head, and the two defeated the other spirits in either paintball or Red Rover, thus becoming the new rulers. After years of bad story telling and the telephone game, the myth went through various incarnations, as evidenced by various documentary-type evidence, ranging from medieval wood carvings of a hairy "wildernessman" with a "sea beast", to a cathedral-style stained glass window of a moose holding a chameleon in its antlers. Strong Bad then researches some "ancient fence drawings" on the Strong Badian picket fence, which consist of strange images of the Bear-Shark destroying villages and crops, stealing babies, and bike riding (or pie-sitting) with what appears to be its family. The drawings were actually done by Strong Bad at age 5, though he has long forgotten this. Bubs begins selling Bear-Shark merchandise such as t-shirts, frozen treats and plush toys. Homestar manages to capture (or forge) blurry Bigfoot-style footage of what may be the Bear-Shark in the woods, but this only adds to the question of whether the Bear-Shark is a "mysterious myth or legendary legend".
As Strong Bad reaches the email that was foretold in montage to be The Paper's last appearance, Kyle asks him to recall the best moments they shared. Strong Bad recounts several misadventures with The Paper, as a tribute to his old friend. These include Strong Bad and The Paper beating Homestar in basketball. The Paper went through a goth phase and, subsequentially, a preppy phase, neither of which Strong Bad liked. The Paper is then said to have saved the Lappy 486 from getting drenched in Mountain Dew and helped Strong Bad escape a sinking island.
Strong Bad is asked if he ever watched his favorite shows and movies and realized that his favorite character was replaced with another actor. Strong Bad reveals that the King of Town has been played by twelve different people, and that Bubs was played by Original Bubs before Original Bubs left over a mayonnaise dispute with the King of Town. For a few months, Strong Bad and Homestar tried to pretend that Original Bubs was always hiding behind a cardboard box. Later, circulating Guest Star Bubs were used, including Senor Cardgage, Crack Stuntman, and Onion Bubs. After Strong Bad finishes his story, Bubs continues to claim to be the 100% All Original Bubs, and Marzipan later confirms that Strong Bad made the whole thing up. Homestar still has tragic memories of Original Bubs, though.
Strong Bad's wrestling career is shown to be much more colorful than has been revealed before. He and Strong Mad went through several costume phases. The events in Marshmallow's Last Stand are not mentioned. Homestar's tag-team partner was claimed to be (the imaginary) Gary the Legend instead of Pom Pom. Strong Sad is also featured as Gardenboy, a wrestler with a rake and a fire-spewing water can.
While most of the email tells a plausible story about the obnoxiousness of "Scotty Titi", Strong Sad's childhood imaginary friend, certain details seem questionable. Strong Bad seems to imply that Trogdor was popular when he was a child (as evidenced by Strong Mad's poster and that his own imaginary friend, "Frishy Freshy Dragonman", had the upper body of Trogdor) when in truth, Trogdor was not invented until dragon, which happened while Strong Bad was an adult and clearly older than he was in this email. This email also revisits the history of Strong Sad's belly button, perhaps proving once and for all that despite Strong Bad's fabrication of history he actually did drill Strong Sad's belly button as evidenced by the bandages covering the hole.
When Strong Bad viewed a picture of a kid in a Strong Bad costume next to a girl in a punk cheerleader costume and a boy in a Ghostface costume, he states that this is actually a picture of his past, and that the girl was his girlfriend, Pirate Cheerleader, and that the Ghostface boy was his best friend, the Grim Reaper. He also said that they used to terrorize the streets of Meadowbrook Chase Two Hills.
The toons listed below exhibit instances of Strong Bad predicting a future that has yet to occur or is questionable.
In September 2003, Strong Bad was asked what the greatest advancement in Strong Badia will be in the next two years. Strong Bad proclaims that:
- By 2005, the population of Strong Badia will have tripled from "Population: Tire" to "Population: Tire, Bundt Cake Pan, and Coach Z"
- The Stop Sign and the Cinder Block will break up
- Strong Badia will have developed a world-class hole
- The Cheat will finish painting a mural reading "Fireworks or Die"
- The Tire will have beaten Strong Mad to win "the title"
- Strong Sad will become more whiny
As of 2017, none of these have come true. In fact, Strong Sad seems to have gotten less whiny over the years.
The last montage presented in the email consists of photographs of earlier scenes, as well as captions explaining what later happened to each of the characters:
- The Cheat quits or loses his salesman job due to his failure to sell toner.
- Homestar sells his "The #1" shirt for US$3 (which is a good deal).
- Strong Bad hosts an Animal Planet show that gets canceled before its first commercial break.
- The Wagon Fulla Pancakes appears in commercials for a used car dealership, finds a spouse, has two children, and moves to Long Beach.
- The Paper sticks around until email #173, at which time Strong Bad upgrades to an inkjet printer.
At least two of these predictions came true: the Wagon Fulla Pancakes did a commercial for Senor Cardgage's Senorial Day Tent Event Supra Sale, and Strong Bad did replace The Paper with New Paper from an inkjet printer in email #173 (the paper). The "The #1" shirt has not been seen since the email.
Strong Bad claims that there will be a zombie uprising on March 31, 2046, at 2:03 p.m. By about that time, Pom Pom and Strong Sad will have become tough, end-of-the-world-style heroes: Pom Pom sporting a flat-top, cigar, and ammunition belt; and Strong Sad shedding his wimpy image for a gritty-voiced, cigar-smoking, muscular fighter covered in scars and with a five o'clock shadow. His weapon of choice, however, will remain the same then as now: the leotard. Strong Bad, contrary to his outlook in replacement, has decided that he will never die. He will, however, fight on the side of the zombies, if they will let him.
Strong Bad claims that by 2086, dollars will be called "Globnars".