Coach Z's Problems
From Homestar Runner Wiki
As explained in Main Page 11 and Who Said What Now?, Coach Z has claimed to have "more than two problems". An analysis of his behavior shows the following problems: FR Remember, it's the "real" side that you want. With the one true alternate reality, as illustrated by the Coach Z Wiki, that's the side that you want. Don't let the other side tempt you. If you keep it all subconscious and don't think about it, no damage will be done. In that reality, the only FR eps you saw in between Erin's birth and the 11/89 airing of #4 were the classic pink and blue tapes, and everything about your life up to that ugly incident was exactly the same. 6 Carmelton siblings, Mark is the fourth, Ben/Blinky/Zoltore flashback in ep 27 and all that Jazz.
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Medical
- He has "problems with his feet", including athlete's foot, bunions, corns, and calluses.
- He has mentioned several times that he has a bad back.
- When his bathing suit is removed, he leaks a black fluid.
- He has bad hand-eye coordination.
- He once had chronic athlete's tongue, rub rash, and hot pooey.
Psychological
- He thinks that he is a mother.
- He sometimes forgets what's real and what's just in his head.
- He has an obsession with butts and butt-patting.
- He seems to believe he's in a relationship with Bubs.
- He has short-term memory loss.
- He once asked a drawing he made to be his bride.
- He believes that a sketch of a cell phone is a real cell phone.
- He asked Homestar Runner to marry him.
- He has an imaginary friend named "Real Live Actual Mr. Blangcaster Next Door", and by the look of his outline, is very shady looking.
Alcoholism
- He has been drunk multiple times, usually on Listerine.
- He spiked the punch at the senior prom with Listerine.
- He called Marzipan while being drunk, along with Bubs.
Anti-Social Behavior
- He wears a disturbingly small bathing suit when swimming, and doesn't realize that it makes others uncomfortable.
- It has been implied that he has a crush on Marzipan. He has occasionally made "inapprapriate" comments about her and has let it slip that he snuck into her house. It now seems that he has been given a restraining order preventing him from coming within 500 feet of Marzipan's house.
- He was sent to juvenile prison.
Hygiene
- He holds the record for the longest time gone without showering.
- He wears sweaty pants.
- He showers with spit.
Speech Impediment
See Coach Z's Accent.
Lack of Generally Common Knowledge
- Despite being a coach, he doesn't know what a basketball is.
- He's bad at abbreviations.
- He claims to only know a few words, such as "pfargtl", his "favorite animal".
- At one point, he believed that the shower heads in his locker room were his "drippy, broken speakers".
- He believes a cardboard box with a detached microphone is a record studio.
- He thinks cooking with hydroelectricity means running a hot dog under the shower.
Financial
- He claims he has money, but not much.
- He lives in a gymnasium locker room.
- He frequently has his power shut off because he forgets to pay his bills.
- He has occasionally attempted to be sent to prison, since he would be guaranteed "three square meals a day".
- He can't afford "money cost" ice cream.
Miscellaneous
- He often pukes his pants.
- He carries a bottle of questionable water with him at all times for questionable reasons.
- Even when he finds he's eating something awful, he still eats it.
- He enjoys covering puke in sawdust, claiming that "Sawdust makes everything delicious".
- He admits he likes a good chafe.
- He never seems to notice or complain that there is itching powder in his jock strap.
- He thinks people touching their own butts is a good thing.
- He is, according to Homestar, "re-known" for his self-butt pats.
