Dangeresque Puppet Squad: The Hot Jones Hijack

From Homestar Runner Wiki

Revision as of 21:29, 23 December 2017

"It's the new punkin spice!"

Dangeresque is invited to the Cheat Commandos Bring-Your-Own-Hot-Jones Decemberween Party... but someone stole all the Hot Jones!

Cast (in order of appearance):

• Puppet Strong Bad as Dangeresque
• Puppet The Cheat as Firebert
• Puppet Homestar as
• Robotic Santam'n
• Puppet Crackotage, Fightgar, Reynold, and Gunhaver
• Silent Rip (voice only)

Places: Dangeresque's office, the streets, Price Style, Shady's Grocery Mart, Hot Jones factory, a cliff, Cheat Commandos Headquarters Playset

Date: Saturday, December 23, 2017

Running Time: 7:30 official, 7:22 actual

Page Title: The Hot Jones Hijack!

Transcript

{Open to a mug on Dangeresque's desk that reads "i ♥ Brainblow City". Soft Dangeresque theme music with added jingle bells plays. Cut to wide shot of the office as Puppet Dangeresque closes the door.}

STRONG BAD: Oh, I just closed that. ...Door.

{He walks over to his desk and places some envelopes on it}

STRONG BAD: What dangerous mail did we get today?

{Close-up of the mail in Dangeresque's boxing gloves. The envelope on top reads "BILLS!!"}

STRONG BAD: What do we got, some bills...

{Tosses the first envelope aside; the next reads "SUMMONS"}

STRONG BAD: {overpronouncing the "ons"} Summons...

{Tosses it aside; the next reads "come on's" with red hearts around it}

STRONG BAD: Come on's...

{Tosses it aside; the last piece of mail is a picture of Gunhaver in the Cheat Command-snowbile wearing a Santa hat, outside the Arctic playset. It reads "You're invited! B.Y.O.H.J!"}

STRONG BAD: {gasps; cut to front view} I'm invited to the Cheat Commandos Bring-Your-Own-Hot-Jones Decemberween party?! {looks at camera} I gotta get some Hot Jones!

{Dangeresque leaps in the air with a "hup!" and brings his glove back down on the desk, opening the drawer, which contains a copy of strongbad_email.exe Disc Four and his nunchuk gun, which he grabs}

STRONG BAD: Chucked and loaded!

{Cut to outside. Dangeresque (in figurine form) gets into his car, turns the ignition, and steps on the gas. The car screeches down the street as music plays. As it rounds a corner, the shot freezes and the title appears.}

VOICE OVER: Dangeresque: Puppet Squad! The Hot Jones Hi-jack!

{The car resumes driving and soon parks at Price Style. Cut to inside, where some "Towel Papes", "Canned Item", and a box of Cheat Commandos-O's are displayed. "Hot Jones" is all out. Dangeresque walks in, then feels the empty shelf where the Hot Jones should be with questioning grunts.}

STRONG BAD: What?! No Hot Jones?! It's always right here, between the paper towels and the black beans! {rubs chin while ominous music plays} Something's fishy...

{Cut back outside, where Dangeresque drives off and soon arrives at Shady's Grocery Mart. Inside, a sign proclaims "Sold outta Hot Jones!!"}

STRONG BAD: Huh? Sold out again?! What's going on?

{Puppet The Cheat as Firebert enters from the right}

THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises}

STRONG BAD: Firebert from the Cheat Commandos, whose playsets and toys are on sale everywhere this Decemberween?

THE CHEAT: {affirming The Cheat noises} {the Cheat Commandos and Cheap as Free logos appear with a "ding"}

STRONG BAD: What are you doing here?

THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises}

STRONG BAD: Ohhh, can't find Hot Jones either, huh? Maybe we should team up!

THE CHEAT: {agreeing The Cheat noises}

STRONG BAD: Let's go straight to the source!

{Dangeresque and Firebert run toward the camera— and Dangeresque hits it with an "oof". Cut back outside, where Dangeresque and Firebert drive off. Music plays as the car roars down the road, eventually arriving at a large building with a Hot Jones logo. A tanker truck is also parked outside. Cut to inside the factory.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {off-screen} Action.

STRONG BAD: Whoa! The Hot Jones factory! I hear they keep the secret recipe inside a security Turducken! That's a twelve-year-old's diary, inside a hotel safe, inside my seventh grade locker! {each of these things appears; a locked book titled "Secret Thoughts About a Greg", an "Econo 'Lock'" safe, and a locker with Limozeen and "Dragon Man!!" graffiti} I could never get that thing open!

{They suddenly hear Homestar's voice and turn around to see Puppet Homestar; he's wearing a wig with Christmas lights in it, and a Canadian maple leaf has been taped over his star}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {fake, exaggerated French accent} Who needs a secret recipe when you can steal all ze Hot Jones wiz a tanker truck? {outside view, where the tanker truck is still parked}

STRONG BAD: Stingy Relenk, the French Canadian smuggler and Decemberween-themed bad guy!

THE CHEAT: {angry growl}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Zat correct, Dangeresque! {as his accent is increasingly exaggerated, his next line is subtitled} I'm going to steal so much Hot Jones, I may need subtitles!

{Wide shot as Dangeresque brandishes his nunchuk gun}

STRONG BAD: Hold it right there!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {close-up on him again} I think it is you who will hold it right zere, Dangeresque!

{Dangeresque and Firebert start toward him}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Decoration!

{Christmas lights snag around Dangeresque's feet like a trap, and suddenly he and Firebert are hanging upside-down, ensnared in Christmas lights}

STRONG BAD: Whoa!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Hon hon hon hon!

STRONG BAD: You know we'll just cut ourselves down from here in no time, right?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Not before you are cut down by my robotic Santam'n!

{Cut to an innocent-looking plush Santam'n whose internal music box is playing}

STRONG BAD: Awww...
THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises to the same effect}

{The Santam'n suddenly gains sharp knives in his gloves, then an evil frown. Music sting.}

STRONG BAD: Aah!
THE CHEAT: {frightened The Cheat noises}

{Cut back to the Santam'n, who has started mechanically dancing and spinning. The lyrics to his music box song can now be heard.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {from the music box, accompanied by background singers} Oh, Santam'n is a blade man! He's comin' for you! To chop you in two!

{Cut back to Stingy Relenk}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Au revoir, Dangeresque! And Fau-bere!

STRONG BAD: {offscreen} Who's Fau-bere?

{Cut outside. The tanker truck drives off. Cut back to the robotic Santam'n, who is still evilly dancing to his tune}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {music box} Santam'n is a blade man...

{Cut to Dangeresque and Firebert, still hanging by the Christmas lights}

THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises}

STRONG BAD: Can I reach into your pocket? Lemme see...

{He reaches with difficulty into Firebert's pocket and withdraws a metal grater and a nutmeg}

STRONG BAD: Nutmeg and a nutmeg grater? How are these things gonna help us out of here?

THE CHEAT: {singsong The Cheat noises}

{Cut to the tanker truck zooming down the road. Inside view of the truck shows Stingy Relenk in the driver's seat (although the view out of his window is stationary, and tree limbs move by outside to create the illusion of movement)}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Hon hon hon! I have all ze Hot Jones! I have so much Jones!

{Outside view again as Dangeresque's car drives up alongside the truck, with Dangeresque at the wheel. The car slams twice into the side of the truck.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Ah! What is happening?

{The car hits the truck again}

STRONG BAD: Ragh!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Dangeresque! How did you escape?

STRONG BAD: Turns out limited-edition Firebert'll eat anything with nutmeg on it! {an action figure package of Decemberween Limited Edition Firebert appears}

{Close-up on Firebert as he sucks up the last stand of Christmas lights. Pan down to reveal colored lights showing through his outfit.}

THE CHEAT: {satisfied The Cheat noises}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: But how did you thwart my robotic Santam'n?

STRONG BAD: Um... he wasn't much of a problem.

{The robotic Santam'n is shown face-down on the floor of the factory, still dancing, his music box and movement mechanisms malfunctioning}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {briefly lacking his accent} Yeah, that's true. That guy sucked.

{Background music resumes. Stingy Relenk presses several controls on his dashboard seemingly with his head, and "Auto Pilot" flashes on the screen.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Boop boop boop! {with his French accent again} Auto pilot!

{He leaps in figurine form onto the top of the truck with a "hwah!"}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Let's finish this!

STRONG BAD: Firebert, take the wheel!

{Firebert gets into the driver's seat as Dangeresque climbs out onto the hood of his car}

STRONG BAD: Ready... now!

{Firebert presses a red button inside the car, which pops open the hood, sending Dangeresque flying onto the tanker truck}

STRONG BAD: Whoa! Oof! {faces Stingy Relenk} Come on!

{They leap at each other, and Dangeresque punches Stingy Relenk in midair. Dangeresque lands on his feet, while Stingy Relenk crashes on his back.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oof! {recovering} Ze pipes... zey are broken!

{He jumps at Dangeresque, spin-kicking, and sends him flying}

STRONG BAD: Whoooa! Argh!

{He narrowly saves himself by grabbing on to the edge of the truck. His feet dangle off the edge.}

STRONG BAD: {looks down the road} Huh? A cliff!

{Sure enough, the truck is driving straight toward the edge of a cliff}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Sorry, Dangeresque, but it looks like it is I who am going to have to zhaump!

{He tries to jump, but he falls over; Christmas lights are wrapped around his ankles}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Au revior, Dangeresque. {speaks in incomprehensible faux-French which is subtitled, "Done in by my own Decemberween theme." He loses his accent again in his next line.} That was totally French.

STRONG BAD: Looks like I'm gonna have to jump!

{Dangeresque leaps off of the tanker truck in slow-motion as dramatic music plays. The truck, meanwhile, drives off the edge of the cliff in similar slow-motion. Sound effects of metal creaking and Stingy Relenk yelling are added as the truck falls, then crashes to the ground. The Homestar figurine bounces and flies into the air again.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: I'm still falliiing! {he hits the ground again and bounces again gently} I can't believe I bounced!

{Dangeresque and Firebert run to the edge of the cliff above and observe the wreckage}

STRONG BAD: Six-syllable catch phraaase! {turns to Firebert} Well, Firebert, let's go down there and get that Hot Jones!

{A bad special-effects explosion occurs and the truck catches on fire. Dangeresque and Firebert look at each other.}

STRONG BAD: Ummm...
THE CHEAT: {questioning The Cheat noise}

{Fade-out. Cut to Dangeresque and Firebert with the rest of the Cheat Commandos at headquarters, which contains a bunch of old computers with tinsel and Christmas lights. Everybody has Styrofoam cups with what appears to be Hot Jones.}

CRACKOTAGE: A-hoo-hoo-hwah-ha!

STRONG BAD: Wow! The Cheat Commandos Headquarters Playset! I'm finally here!

SILENT RIP: {quietly, in the background} I'm not in the shot!

{Cut to Fightgar and Reynold}

FIGHTGAR: I'm surprised to see you drinkin' Hot Jones, Reynolda!

REYNOLD: Oh, this isn't Hot Jones! It's only Warm Jenkins for me!

{Cut to Dangeresque and Firebert}

STRONG BAD: {clinking cups with Firebert} Cheers, Firebert! We finally got the Hot—

{Record scratch as Gunhaver interrupts them and ominous music plays}

GUNHAVER: Hey! Why does this Hot Jones taste like burnt gasoline?

STRONG BAD: Oh, uh... this is a trendy new holiday beverage! The Santaman's Chimney!

{A recipe card for Santaman's Chimney appears ("from the crooked kitchen of Dangeresque"); ingredients appear as Dangeresque names them}

STRONG BAD: It's one part Hot Jones, a shot of your favorite Hard Ones, and some liquid smoke! It's the new punkin spice!

{Miscellaneous "ooh"s from the Cheat Commandos}

CRACKOTAGE: Sounds good to me...

GUNHAVER: That's a satisfying explanation! {the "Hot Jones" falls out of his cup}

{Cheat Commandos background music mixed with jingle bells plays}

STRONG BAD: Happy Decemberween crossover, Firebert! {clinks cups again, then faces the camera} Or did I? {music sting}

THE CHEAT: {dismissive The Cheat noises}

STRONG BAD: What? Oh.

THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noise}

STRONG BAD: I did?

THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noise}

STRONG BAD: Cool.

THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noise}

STRONG BAD: Cool.

THE CHEAT: {"mhm" The Cheat noise}

STRONG BAD: {faces the camera} Glasses! {music sting}

{"Buy All Our Playsets and Toys!!" screen appears}

SINGER: Buy all our playsets and toys!

{A fake Autoplay thumbnail appears: "Calling Internet Customer Service with Gunhaver"}

{Fade to a Decemberween-themed background, where Puppet Homestar (dressed normally albeit a Santa hat) and the knife-wielding robotic Santam'n are dancing}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {singing with accompaniment} Ohhh, Santam'n is a blade man!
He's comin' for you! To chop you in two!
Santam'n is a blade man!
He's comin' to town to cut your whole fam'ly down!

{Music ends, fade to black}

Fun Facts

Trivia

• This toon is the first official Puppet Stuff since Dangeresque: Puppet Squad, more than 9 years prior.
• This marks the new Puppet Strong Bad's first appearance on homestarrunner.com.

Inside References

• The plot focuses on Hot Jones, a drink which first appeared in A Death-Defying Decemberween.
• Gunhaver's invitation has a photo of the Arctic playset from The Next Epi-Snowed.
• Strong Bad/Dangeresque's High School locker has the logo for Limozeen and the dragon-man variant of Trogdor scratched into it.
• Santaman is called a Blade Man, much like Coach Z referred to himself in his supposed knife fight with Pom Pom in personal favorites.
• The black beans are labeled "canned item". A product at Shady's is labeled "actual jug".
• The paper towels are labeled "towel papes".
• The first store Dangeresque visits is called "price style".
• The twelve-year-old's diary is titled "Secret Thoughts About Greg".

Real World References

• The interior driving shots for Dangeresque show him driving a Volvo 240 and Homestar driving a Ford F-150.

External Links

• watch "Decemberween Dangeresque"
• watch "Decemberween Dangeresque"