Homestar Runner Goes for the Gold

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Toon Category: Big Toon
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This article is about the toon. For the book, see Homestar Runner Goes For The Gold!.
Old H*R crap

To celebrate their 20th anniversary, Homestar and Strong Bad read an old discarded script for another children's book.

Cast (in order of appearance): Homestar Runner, Strong Bad, The Homestar Runner (storybook), Pom Pom, Mr. Bland, Tiny-Handed Strong Bad, Strong Mad, Strong Sad/Strong Glad, The Cheat, Dijjery Doo, The Announcer, The Grape Fairie, The Fat Bee, The Sneak, Coach Z, Bubs, Señor, Marzipan, The Prince of Town

Places: The Field, Storybook World, Basement of the Brothers Strong (Easter egg)

Date: Saturday, December 24, 2016

Running Time: 6:24 (official), 7:02 (actual)

Page Title: Unearthed and rebirthed!


[edit] Transcript

{Over a spooky-sounding chord, some text appears over a blue screen:}

20 years ago, two guys made this book:

{An image of Homestar Runner Enters the Strongest Man in the World Contest appears below it. After a few seconds, the text and book disappear, to be replaced with:}

A month later, they wrote the next Homestar Runner story,

{Which is followed with three pieces of notebook paper with the script on them, followed by:}

and then promptly forgot about it.

{The text disappears and is followed shortly by a flashing background, a short musical sting and the text:}

Until now...

{Fade to the entrance of Homestar Runner's house on the right, silhouetted, with a shed to the left. The Field, which is visible in the background in full color as the foreground is visible in the same silhouetted fashion. Music begins playing as Homestar and Strong Bad leave the house and head toward the shed.}

{Zoom in full to the shed with Homestar Runner and Strong Bad}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, man, Strong Bad. You're not gonna believe this thing! {opens the door of the shed and starts taking out a see-through box labelled with masking tape, "old H*R crap"} Wait 'till you see this thing! This thing is gonna change your life! Blow your mind! Wipe your nose!

STRONG BAD: Then shut the dang up and let's see it already!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Okay. Okay. Um... It's, um... {squints} It's right... Um... {starts looking around nervously}

STRONG BAD: Homestar, did you ramble on so long that you forgot what you were gonna show me?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Um, no. And furthermore, no. {Strong Bad looks annoyed} It was this... {pulls a shiny rubber burger out of the box} squeakburger. {squeezes it twice, in a high-pitched voice} Burger burger!

STRONG BAD: Whoa, look at this! {He takes something out of the box; close-up revealing that it's a children's book called "homestar runner and the brothers strong". Blue text at the bottom reads "an unfinished second children's book by mike & craig".} "The Homestar Runner and the Brothers Strong"? "An unfinished second children's book by Mike and Craig"? {As he says the names Mike and Craig, they are bleeped out; Mike's name is scribbled over with black, and Craig's name is pixelated}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, that's definitely not what I was lookin' for. {looks angry} That thing looks terrible!

STRONG BAD: Come on, let's read it right the dang now!

{Close-up on the book, which is now completely different; it depicts The Homestar Runner with a whistle next to a strange submarine}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: "The Homestar Runner and the Bathyscaphe". {seductive tone} "A Lurid Tale of Underwater Intrigue and Underwater Pants".

{Cloud transition back to Homestar and Strong Bad}

STRONG BAD: Uh, maybe I should read it. {cut back to the unaltered book} "The Homestar Runner and the Brothers Strong". {the title of the book changes to match what Strong Bad says} A.K.A. "Homestar Runner Goes for the Gold". A.K.A. "old glue turns gross and brown {arrows appear, pointing to the brown glue on the fabric Homestar Runner} if you let it sit for 20 years".

{The image changes to a cartoon rendering of the cover, with The Homestar Runner posing against orange stars.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} Everyone loves The Homestar Runner. He is a terrific athlete.

THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: {moves upwards} Ding!

{Next page, showing a "Triathlon Tomorrow! Go for the Gold!" poster on a telephone pole.}

STRONG BAD: Tomorrow is the annual triathlon. {Cut to Pom Pom, The Homestar Runner, and Mr. Bland practicing; Pom Pom is twirling himself on two hanging rings, Mr. Bland is doing chin-ups, and The Homestar Runner is standing with a whistle around his neck.} Homestar Runner's team, the All-Stars, {says name sluggishly; the words slump down on the page; The Homestar Runner looks surprised} is practicing as we speak.

THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: Whistle hard, Pom Pom! {whistles three times} Come on guys! {whistles more} Whistle to the max! {whistles more}

{Cut to Strong Bad, Strong Bad, and Strong Sad near the extremely expensive jambox. An arrow-shaped sign nearby says "Hot Team Meeting".}

STRONG BAD: The Homestar Runner's rivals, Strong Bad, Strong Mad, and Strong Sad {again, says name sluggishly, causing it to slump down on the page; Strong Bad hangs his head} are having a hot team meeting.

TINY-HANDED STRONG BAD: Strong Sad, you are too weak. You must be replaced by... {The Cheat comes onscreen and makes triumphant noises} Dijjery Doo!

THE CHEAT: {annoyed The Cheat noises}

{Dijjery Doo, a bizarre brown animal with tusks, comes onscreen. Cut back to modern-day Homestar Runner and Strong Bad.}

STRONG BAD: Who the crap is Dijjery Doo?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: I tried to warn ya! I wash my hands of this whole affair!

STRONG BAD: Well, I guess he looks kinda cool. Maybe he'll turn out alright.

{Cut back to the storybook, where Tiny-Handed Strong Bad is standing with Dijjery Doo. Dijjery Doo's speech is muffled throughout.}

DIJJERY DOO: Hey, Strong Bad. I just want to say how happy I am to be part of the team. {His left tusk falls out} And the ah!

TINY-HANDED STRONG BAD: I am immediately regretting this decision.

STRONG BAD: ...said uncharacteristically candid Strong Bad.

{Cut to the All-Stars practicing. Strong Sad walks by.}

STRONG BAD: Dejected, Strong Sad moped passed the All-Stars.

THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: What's {whistles} wrong? {whistles more}

STRONG BAD: [asked The Homestar Runner.] said the greatest communicator on the planet.

{Close-up of Strong Sad and The Homestar Runner.}

STRONG SAD: My brothers kicked me off the team and replaced me with Dijjer— [—y Doo.]

THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: {interrupting} Yeah, yeah. We know all that. Chin up and start getting {misspelled as "gettting"} ready for next year.

STRONG BAD: ...said The Homestar Runner as they left to compete. {The Homestar Runner, Pom Pom, and Mr. Bland leave. Strong Sad looks even more dejected.}

{Cut to both teams standing under a sign, in silhouette.}

STRONG BAD: All the teams lined up for the first event: {close-up on the sign, which says "RUNNING!"} Running! {pronounces the N and G individually.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh man, I can't wait to see how I dominate this one!

{Pan down to show Strong Mad and Pom Pom on a track, wearing roller skates.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Wait, what? Pom Pom?

{Cut back to modern Homestar and Strong Bad.}

STRONG BAD: I'm more worried about how this is clearly roller skating. Is that what they called running in the mid-'90s?

{Cut back to the storybook. The Announcer is in the foreground.}

THE ANNOUNCER: Ready... set... {Strong Mad starts moving} go! {a gunshot is heard, and Pom Pom starts off; Strong Mad is ahead}

STRONG BAD: {Strong Mad is shown to be in the lead} Strong Mad gets an early lead. {Strong Mad breaks through the ribbon at the end of the track} And wins! {A scoreboard sign is shown, which the Grape Fairie and the Fat Bee fly next to; "Strong Stars" and "All Stars" both have 0 points} After the first event, {The Grape Fairie gives the Strong Stars a point} the Strong Stars have lead. {Cut to the story script in modern Strong Bad's hands, which indeed says "the strong stars have lead."} That's actually what it says. No, take a look: {zoom-in closer; the words "have lead" are highlighted as the rest of the scene darkens} Ooh! Or maybe it was supposed to be, {Tiny-Handed Strong Bad, Strong Mad, and Dijjery Doo are shown in front of a gray bomb shape} Have Lead! {pronounced with the short "e" sound, as in "bed"} {Tiny-Handed Strong Bad is given a pistol, Dijjery Doo is given a large pencil, and Strong Mad holds a satellite; an explosion sound is heard} That's better! On to the next event: Swimming!

{Cut back to the storybook; The Homestar Runner and Tiny-Handed Strong Bad stand in front of a pool with lanes. A sign overhead says "Swimming!" The Homestar Runner wears goggles and swim fins, and Tiny-Handed Strong Bad seems to have a fish through his head. The Homestar Runner is then seen riding on top of the "Bathyscaphe" submarine from before, easily making it to the end of the pool while Tiny-Handed Strong Bad is seen at the bottom of the pool.}

STRONG BAD: The Homestar Runner wins! Wait, what? {cut back to modern day} You get a freakin' submarine and alls I get is a fish crammed through my head?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Yeah, you know, standard collegiate swimming rules. Very standard.

{A large scroll in the Storybook World is shown, headed "Standard Collegiate Swimming Rules". The Grape Fairie is in front of it.}

GRAPE FAIRIE: Rule one: {the following appears on the scroll} The Homestar Runner gets a state-of-the-art bathyscaphe-type situation. Rule number two: {the following appears underneath} Strong Bad... fish crammed through his head.

{The scoreboard is shown again.}

STRONG BAD: Now his team is even with Strong Bad's team. {The Grape Fairie gives the All Stars a point} Whoever wins the last event gets the gold!

{Cut to Mr. Bland, wearing yellow wings, and Dijjery Doo, holding a propeller, standing under a banner that says "Flying!"}

STRONG BAD: Everyone's ready for the flying event! {close-up on Mr. Bland} Suddenly, Strong Bad's minion, {The Cheat comes onscreen and makes triumphant noises} the sneak, {The Sneak, with no shading, comes onscreen with a bat}

THE CHEAT: {angry The Cheat noise which sounds like "What the crap?"}

STRONG BAD: ...cripples Mr. Bland. {The Cheat leaves} Yeah, I'm with you, The Cheat. {cut to modern-day} How come Mike and Craig {censor tones play over their names like before} can't seem to keep my sidekicks straight for more than like two pages? That Old-Timey rat thing's not gonna cripple anybody! {During his speech, Homestar smiles and slowly lifts his "Squeakburger"}

{Cut back to the storybook scene, where The Sneak bashes Mr. Bland with the bat until he lies on the ground with broken wings. The Sneak crawls off.}

STRONG BAD: Whoa-ho-ho! Touché. {wide shot of Mr. Bland and Dijjery Doo} Everyone else takes off. {Dijjery Doo's propeller starts spinning, and he lifts into the air; cut to Pom Pom and The Homestar Runner looking at the crippled Mr. Bland} What will the All-Stars do?

{Cut to a shot of The Homestar Runner with Strong Sad in the distance}

THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: {in each version of the scene, The Homestar Runner holds up the broken wings mid-sentence} Strong Sad, come take these broken wings and learn to fly. {cut to the same scene} Strong Sad, you've got to fly, fly to the angels. {cut to the same scene} Strong Sad, you're motoring. What's your price for flight?

STRONG BAD: ...said Homestar. {The "new" All-Stars team is shown against a star background: Pom Pom wearing roller skates, The Homestar Runner in his swimming gear, and Strong Sad in the center wearing Mr. Bland's broken wings} Strong Sad was now an All-Star. They were back in business! {Silhouetted view of Strong Sad flying above the rest of the characters, starting to catch up to Dijjery Doo, who is flying ahead of him} Strong Sad was making up all kinds of ground. {close-up of Strong Sad flying through clouds} He sure had a knack for this flying stuff.

STRONG SAD: I'm glad that I'm flying! {Suddenly, his soolnds fall off. He gains long legs with red heels and starts flying even faster} Whoo-hoo!

{Cut to Tiny-Handed Strong Bad}


{Cut to The Homestar Runner}

THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: Um... no. {closes eyes} Just no. {opens one eye}

{Coach Zee pops up beside The Homestar Runner}

COACH ZEE: I am into this!

{Cut to Bubs}

BUBS: I don't like it! And I am now in this book. {The cover of the book is shown again, and a blue sticker is slapped on reading "Now with 100% more Bubs!"}

{Cut to Dijjery Doo flying with his propeller; over the next line, Strong Sad soars past him}

STRONG BAD: Dijjery Do was being passed by the high-flying Strong Sad.

{Cut to Tiny-Handed Strong Bad}

TINY-HANDED STRONG BAD: Dijjery do something, Dijjery Do!

STRONG BAD: ...said master wordsmith Strong Bad.

{Cut back to Dijjery Doo flying}

STRONG BAD: He made a last ditch effort to sabotage the All-Stars.

DIJJERY DOO: {stopping in midair; his line is not captioned} Okay, Strong Bad. I've got this little thing here— {pulls a red-and-yellow missile from nowhere and fumbles with it} Ah! {his left tooth falls out again, and shortly, he falls downwards}

{Cut to Tiny-Handed Strong Bad. Dijjery Doo's tooth falls on him, knocking him down and impaling his forehead. Dijjery Doo then lands on him, and the missile ticks and explodes, singeing both of them and taking a piece out of the back of Tiny-Handed Strong Bad's head.}

STRONG BAD: Dijjery Do's plan backfired. {music stops} Uh, yeah, you think? You sure you didn't want to use any more adjectives there, like "catastrophically head chunkularly" backfired? {the words are added to the story in Strong Bad's handwriting as he says them} Maybe?

{Cut to the scoreboard, where the Grape Fairie awards another point to the All-Stars, making the score 2 to 1}

STRONG BAD: The All-Stars win!

{Cut to Strong Sad under the Triathlon banner, wearing a gold "G" medal around his neck, smiling, and still sporting long bronze legs. Surrounding him are Mr. Bland, Coach Zee, Señor, Pom Pom, Marzipan, The Homestar Runner, the Prince of Town, Strong Mad, Bubs, and Tiny-Handed Strong Bad and Dijjery Doo, still lying defeated on the ground. The scene slowly zooms out.}

STRONG BAD: Getting the gold with The Homestar Runner changed Strong Sad. He is now Strong Glad. {Strong Sad starts dancing, and the rest of the characters back away from the scene}

{Cut back to modern-day}

STRONG BAD: So they were just gonna leave him like that? {his mouth wavers} As Strong Glad?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Yep! {faces backwards} Washed hands! Hands washed!

STRONG BAD: But then I wouldn't have been able to make fun of all his sad sackery! Ooh, I'm also totally gonna start referring to him as twelfth president Sad Sachary Taylor from now on.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: I told you it was terrible!

STRONG BAD: {wide shot, showing the box and the shed again} Yeah, man. That piece of masking tape knows what it's talking about. {Homestar starts looking in the box} That was some premium, grade A, {close-up on the masking tape} old Homestar Runner crap.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {pulling a silver whistle out of the box} But hey look! I found my old whistle! {makes whistle sounds with his mouth, not actually blowing into the whistle}

STRONG BAD: Uh, that... I don't think that you're using that right.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {close-up on him as he makes more whistle noises} And so begins a great new era in Homestar Runner talk! {wide shot; he makes more whistle noises while Strong Bad looks unimpressed}

STRONG BAD: {sarcastically} Oh. {Homestar starts to walk off, still making whistle sounds} Fantastic. {Silhouette shot of Homestar walking back toward the house; he jumps and makes more noises} I sure hope this continues for the next twenty years.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {looking back at Strong Bad from the front door of the house} It will! {more whistle noises}

{A storybook rendering of the Homestar Runner logo appears, with a whistle replacing the star. Underneath is the text "1996-2016". After a few moments, the whistle moves and more whistle sounds from Homestar are heard.}

{After a pause, cut to the shed again. Creepy music plays, and the inside of the shed is shown; in addition to the "old H*R crap" box, it has a green barrel, Homestar's exercise bike and tennis racket, and a large crate labelled "NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS". The crate rattles and the top opens suddenly to reveal Dijjery Doo inside, with modern stylization.}

DIJJERY DOO: Oh, hey you guys! I made it out! I somehow survived inside this crate for twenty years! {During his line, an angry The Cheat slowly comes out from behind the crate. He suddenly leaps on top of the crate making angry noises and slams the crate's lid down again on top of Dijjery Doo. A dramatic chord plays.}

DIJJERY DOO: {muffled yelling as the screen turns to black; the word "end." fades in}

[edit] Easter Eggs

  • At the end, click on the word "end." to see a scene with Strong Bad and Homestar in the basement of the Brothers Strong.
{Strong Bad is sitting on the couch, using a Super NES mouse. Homestar is sitting on the floor, looking at the Telebision.}
STRONG BAD: Okay... here's the cartoon... {He clicks the mouse; the Telebision's screen is shown, with a Mario Paint rendering of Dijjery Doo in The Field, waving his left arm up and down. Tiny-Handed Strong Bad leans in from the left side of the screen, with a long green tongue hanging out of his mouth.}
STRONG BAD: Yeah! Check it out!
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Strong Bad, that took you like fifteen hours!
STRONG BAD: {shot of Strong Bad and Homestar} This Mario Paint is a— a delicate art, Homestar. You can't rush these things.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: {close-up} At this rate, you won't finish the cartoon 'till our fortieth anniversary!
STRONG BAD: Alright, fine. {regretfully} We'll just do the cartoon in Flash.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Good idea. 'Cause that's way less obsolete.

[edit] Fun Facts

[edit] Original Script

  • The papers showing the original script can be read when zoomed in:

pg. 1

everyone loves the homestar runner. he
is a terrific athlete.

pg. 2 tomorrow is the annual triathlon.
everyone is getting ready / picking teams
homestar runner's team, the
all-stars, is practicing as we speak.
pg. 3 the homestar runner's rivals, strong
bad, strong mad, & strong sad, are
having a team meeting.
pg. 3 "Strong sad, you are too weak.
You must be kicked off our team replaced by dijjery doo,"
shouted strong bad.
pg. 5 4 dejected, strong sad moped passed
the all-stars. "what's wrong?" asked
the homestar runner. "my brothers
kicked me off the team & replaced
me w/ dijjery doo."
pg. 6 5 "chin up & start getting ready for
next year," said the homestar
runner as they left to compete.
pg. 6 all the teams lined up^to the 1st event running!
pg. 8 7 "ready? set? go!!" strong
mad gets an early lead. & wins!
pg. 8 after the first event, the strong
stars have lead. on to the next
event: swimming!

pg. 9

homestar runner wins! now his
team w/ strong bad's team. whoever
wins the last event wins gets the gold.

pg. 10 everyone's ready for the flying
pg. 11 suddenly, strong bad's minion, the
sneak, cripples mr. bland. everyone
else takes off. what will the
all-stars do?!?
pg. 12 "Strong sad, come here take these
broken wings & learn to fly," said
homestar. Strong sad was now an
all-star. they were back in
pg. 13 Strong sad was making up all
kinds^of ground. he sure had a knack
for this flying stuff.
pg. 14 dijjery do was being passed by
the high flying strong sad. he
made a last ditch effort to
sabotage the all-stars.
pg. 15 dijjery do's plan backfired. the
all-stars win!

pg. 16

getting the gold w/ the homestar
runner changed strong sto sad.
he is now strong glad.

[edit] Explanations

  • "Mike and Craig" refers to Mike Chapman and Craig Zobel, the authors of the original Homestar Runner book.
  • A bathyscaphe is a deep-sea submersible which is suspended from a float filled with a non-compressible buoyant fluid. The submarine in the cartoon appears to take its design cues more from military submarines than from bathyscapes, although it does have some apparent features (such as a transparent domed viewport) in common with modern deep sea submersibles such as Ictineu 3.

[edit] Trivia

[edit] Remarks

  • This cartoon was only categorized under New Stuff until it was added to Big Toons on August 31st, 2017, over eight months after its website release, on the same day Squintmojis was added to Shorts.
  • This cartoon was released on December 24, but when the toon was released, the main pages were updated to say that the site was last updated on December 16.
  • "Catastrophically" and "head chunkularly" are actually adverbs, not adjectives.

[edit] Goofs

  • The word "passed" in the sentence "Strong Sad moped passed the All-Stars" should instead be "past". It is spelled incorrectly in both the story text and the original book script.
  • The word "getting" (in Homestar's line "chin up and start getting ready for next year") is misspelled in the storybook text as "gettting".

[edit] Inside References

  • Dijjery Doo, Strong Glad, and the book itself were all in sketches from the Museum sketchbook.
  • The musical sting at the beginning (when it says "Until now...") and at the end (when The Cheat closes the crate) is from I Killed Pom Pom.
  • Tiny-Handed Strong Bad holds a gun in the "Have Lead" picture.
  • The Sneak cheats when he beats up Mr. Bland.
  • Strong Sad's line "I'm glad that I'm flying!" is a reference to the "I'm sad that I'm flying" inside joke.
  • The "gold" has a G on it.
  • Strong Bad animates Dijjery Doo with Mario Paint on the SNES, just like Super NES and Strong Bad is a Bad Guy before it.
  • Homestar's interpretation of the story involves pants.
  • Strong Sad gains legs similar to those of The Yello Dello.
  • "Sad-Sackery" is an example of Noun-ery. "Sad Sachary Taylor" is a portmanteau.
  • Homestar declares that he washed his hands of this story.

[edit] Real World References

[edit] 20th Anniversary Show Version

  • The original version of the toon shown at the 20th Anniversary did not include the opening introduction, the "Have Lead" scene, Strong Bad's reaction to the Sneak's sudden appearance, the scene with Dijjery Doo in the crate, and the Easter egg.
  • Homestar and Strong Bad shared this exchange after Strong Bad finished the book, and before he agreed with the "old Homestar Runner crap" label:
STRONG BAD: Yo, is this gonna leave Strong Sad with those... {his mouth trembles} those...
HOMESTAR RUNNER: HLLs? Hot Lady Legs? Yeah. I told you it was terrible!

[edit] External Links

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