Pistols for Pandas

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Toon Category: Shorts
watch Where U Goin' 2? Hremail 7
This article is about the short. For the organization, see Pistols For Pandas (organization).
Totally legal. Totally.

Crack Stuntman explains how Pistols For Pandas gets small firearms into the paws of our planet's most adorable, and most unarmed, creatures.

Cast (in order of appearance): Crack Stuntman, Gunhaver (Easter egg), Silent Rip (Easter egg)

Places: Set, Bamboo Forest

Date: Monday, April 27, 2009

Running Time: 2:02

Page Title: They Need All The Firepower They Can Get!


[edit] Transcript

{Open on Crack Stuntman standing against a bluish-gray background. Music plays.}

CRACK STUNTMAN: Blah-hi, kids, BLAH'm Crack Stuntman. {places hand on chest} I used to do the voice of {holds up one finger} Cheat Commander on the cartoon man show until contractual mumbo-jumbo {annoyed, speaks rapidly} screwed me out of the sweetest gig I ever had! {suddenly pleading} Please take me back!


CRACK STUNTMAN: {smiling} But I'm also the voice of a much more important non-profit organization called—{shocked and mad, the music stops with a record scratch} Non-profit?! {shakes fist} What the bluh-what?! {faces offscreen, places hand on chest} But I'm still get paid, right?


{Crack is now wearing expensive, jewel-encrusted sunglasses, and his shirt pocket is stuffed with dollar bills}

CRACK STUNTMAN: But I'm also the voice of a non-profit organization called Pistols for Pandas, {Pistols for Pandas logo appears to his left, Crack looks towards the logo and places his hand on his chest} that I hold very near and dear to my new sunglasses. {points to sunglasses, which sparkle}

{Crack turns, and scene changes}

CRACK STUNTMAN: In light of the recent, made-up holiday {a card for "ERF DAY" featuring a green Earth appears} designed to make your parents feel guilty about their car, {the logo slides offscreen} I thought I'd tell you just how P-for-P {two handguns appear and eventually turn into the Pistols for Pandas logo} gets small firearms into the paws of our planet's {raises finger} most adorable, and {the Pistols for Pandas logo turns to face Crack} most unarmed, creatures.

{Scene changes to stick-figure drawings. One has a baseball cap on, the other's head is Crack's. A one dollar bill appears in the hand of the boy, who then presents it to Crack}

CRACK STUNTMAN: {voiceover} For every dollar you give to Pistols for Pandas, {Crack laughs; people are heard laughing in the background (although Crack himself is not)} we laugh at, 'cause, like, what good's a dollar gonna do?

{Crack produces a lighter and burns the dollar bill. The boy looks down, ashamed. The scene changes to a different scene of the boy and Crack. A five dollar bill appears in the boy's hand, and he then presents it to Crack}

CRACK STUNTMAN: {voiceover} But for every five dollars you give, {Crack smiles and takes the money. We pan right and Crack gives the money to another stick-figure, this time wearing an apron reading "grōsh"} we buy one box of cereal {the "grosher" raises his arm and the five dollar note transforms into a box of "Prize-O's". Crack smiles and dances} with the best prize in it.

{The scene changes to show Crack Stuntman, with the Pistol for Pandas logo on his chest. His mouth slowly opens to reveal the cereal box before chewing it.}

CRACK STUNTMAN: {voiceover} I eat said cereal, {Crack throws a many-legged toy onto the wall, which rolls down the wall towards the floor} play with the prize, {Crack opens his mouth and removes the box top} and save the box top.

{Scene changes to blank screen. Fifteen box tops appear in a pyramid formation, and are then revealed to be loaded onto a truck reading "5th grade trucking", driven by Crack}

CRACK STUNTMAN: {voiceover} Once we have enough box tops, I dress up like a fifth grader {Crack drives the truck into a school} and take them to a local school. {We zoom out to reveal that the school is being shown on a computer. The school fades} That buys the school a computer, {Crack is seen sneaking away with the computer} which I sneak out with after charming {Crack sneaks off-screen. A female schoolteacher wearing glasses enters and moves to the center of the screen, waving her arm and emitting hearts} the horn-rimmed glasses off the media center lady. {The teacher's glasses fly off}

{Scene changes to a stack of five computers. We then zoom out to see that Crack is quickly driving the truck, now loaded with computers and reading "totally legal", into a pawn shop}

CRACK STUNTMAN: {voiceover} I take these computers to a local pawn shop, {we zoom in on the pawn shop and the scene changes to Crack, a computer, and a stick-figure with an apron reading "p4wn"} and exchange them for the weapons {the pawn shopkeeper raises both arms, a cash register is heard, and the computer turns into a pile of pistols. Crack smiles and dances} pandas need.

{Scene changes to a blank screen.}

CRACK STUNTMAN: {voiceover} And finally, {Crack briefly peeks in from the left} when nobody's looking, {Crack sneaks in, holding a bag with a picture of a pistol on it, and makes his way over to a panda habitat at a zoo} I dump these pistols into the panda habitat {Crack throws the bag into the habitat} down at the local zoo.

{zoom on Crack's face, smiling}

CRACK STUNTMAN: Did you hear that? {places hand on chest} I used the word "local" like three times. {raises arm} That means this good cause is even upittier than most! {buzzer sound is heard, and a box displaying "Buzzword Rated", followed by three leaves, each containing the word "local", appear on the right side of the screen}

{Scene changes to the real Crack Stuntman, wearing his expensive sunglasses and leaning back in a chair. Behind him is a fence, and behind that are some bamboo trees. Bird sounds are heard.}

CRACK STUNTMAN: We're destroying these poor creatures faster than ever before. {looks at viewer} If we don't give them the means to protect themselves when we come clear-cut {raises arm to draw attention to bamboo trees} their bamboo forests and build a five-star resort, who will?

{A tray with a two-layered cocktail on it is brought into view}

CRACK STUNTMAN: {to offscreen waiter, angry and shaking fist} I said several limes! This is {raises two fingers} two limes!

{While this is said, engine noises are heard, and the bamboo trees behind Crack start to slowly lean over. Cut to the Pistols for Pandas logo}

CRACK STUNTMAN: {voiceover; as he speaks, the words appear above the logo} Pistols For Pandas: This good cause is good...'cause!

[edit] Easter Eggs

  • Click on the panda nose at the end of the toon to see this exchange between Silent Rip and Gunhaver.
{Gunhaver and Silent Rip are seen firing lasers at two pandas in a bamboo forest.}
SILENT RIP: Uh, Cheat Commander, are we supposed to be fighting the pandas or helping them?
GUNHAVER: Who cares? {close up of Gunhaver} I'm just psyched I got my old job back! I love voice acting! {babbles} Look at that sweet, sweet lip sync.

[edit] Fun Facts

[edit] Explanations

  • This toon was released around Earth Day (referred to as Erf Day), a holiday dedicated to public awareness of environmental issues, such as deforestation and endangered species.
  • "Local" is described as a buzzword due to the increasing popularity of localism, such as the local food movement.

[edit] Trivia

  • The YouTube description for this toon is "Crack Stuntman brings awareness to the cause of arming pandas."

[edit] Remarks

  • The shadow of Crack Stuntman's jaw is more accurate than in earlier cartoons.
  • The sparkles from Crack Stuntman's expensive sunglasses are the same as from the "sparkle filter" in A Death Defying Decemberween.

[edit] Goofs

  • At the very beginning of the toon, Crack Stuntman's outline on his chin does not align properly.

[edit] Inside References

  • Pistols For Pandas was first referenced in Marzipan's Answering Machine Version 14.2.
  • Crack Stuntman mentions losing his contract to do Gunhaver's voice, which references the disappearance of his character because of his uncooperativeness in The Next Epi-Snowed.
    • "Contractual mumbo-jumbo" is a reference to "Corporate mumbo/jumbo" which was on Blue Laser's list of things that might crush Cheat Commandos in The Next Epi-Snowed.
  • The phrase "cartoon man show" is a reference to Fan Costumes '07.
  • Crack Stuntman's line "But I'm still get paid, right?" is similar to the Temporarios slogan in strong badathlon, "Cuz I'm don't get paid!"
  • The internet slang spelling of "p4wn" also appeared in Teen Girl Squad Issue 10.
  • The stickman drawing version of Crack Stuntman makes Homsar's walking noise when sneaking.
  • Crack Stuntman is paid with the "Holler for a Dollar" money from An Important Rap Song.
  • The slogan "This good cause is good...'cause!" echoes one of the fortunes from Fortune Cookies: "You will fight for a just cause, just 'cause."
  • The stickman Crack Stuntman uses a flip-top Zippo lighter to incinerate the one dollar bill in the same way that Strong Bad often uses his BMW Lighter.
  • The word "Earth" being misspelled as "erf" could be a reference to bike thief, where "Earth" was misspelled as "earf".

[edit] Real-World References

  • The cereal prize is the Wacky WallWalker.
  • Crack Stuntman using the box tops to buy computers is a reference to Box Tops for Education, a nationwide fund raising program created by General Mills, in which students save the box tops found on cereal boxes and other products, and bring the box tops into school, so that the school can receive money for them.

[edit] External Links

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