News Articles

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The Local Newspapes

News articles are often used for humor purposes in Homestar Runner cartoons. They are usually written about bizarre stories and occurrences that are largely irrelevant to the toon's main plot. Some must be decompiled or viewed as a Flash file to be read. Several of the articles contain some variation of the line "His mother was very proud".


  • Email sb_email 22 — As well as an article about Strong Bad offending the royal family in England, the issue of The Guardian that appears at the end of the email also includes stories titled "Cricket Still Pretty Weird Sport", "King of Town Eats Treacle", and "Officer Actually Named Bobby".
  • Email privileges — In Fretmagic magazine, there is an article about Gary Palaroncini mastering "the hardest chord ever", which apparently requires 11 fingers to perform.
  • Email stunt double — There is a newspaper called The Local Newspapes that has an article about a polar bear who wandered from the North Pole and interrupted a baseball game, injuring Mark Lemke. The headline is covered with a taped-on piece of notebook paper that reads "MiSSiNG TAPE STOLEN!!! Dangeresque seen on the case. For real."
    • This same newspaper appears in dangeresque 3, with the notebook paper reading "PERDUCCI IS THE BAD GUY".
  • Email colonization — In the book about the colonization of Strong Badia, Strong Bad is seen reading a newspaper with a "RENT FOR SALE!" ad and a page saying "Homestar declares eggs not a fruit."
  • Strong Bad is in Jail CartoonMarzipan is reading a newspaper titled "The Latest News", which features an "article" about crime possibly being on the rise in Free Country, USA. The article is repeated 8 times in order to fill up the paper.
  • Email time capsule — There is a current newspaper clipping with an article about a boy named Geoff, who saved a turtle named Slowbie by finding it in his shoe.
  • Email portrait — A "rich-guy newspaper" resembling The Wall Street Journal is shown, with stories about mulligatawny stew rising in the markets and about large cell phones making a 4th quarter comeback as the "it" toy of the Decemberween season. A lower headline reads "Banks have 'money'".
  • Email candy product — Strong Bad is reading Da NewsPapes in the bathroom. The two shallow articles visible on the papes employ many words to say, essentially, that "stuff continues to happen in the world" and "famous people did some stuff".
  • Happy Hallow-day — Homestar, dressed as a newsboy, is seen selling newspapers. The headlines include "Halloween Night missing", "Citizens mobilize to save holiday", and "In unrelated news, this newsboy get-up is not my Halloween costume". Later, Homsar is also seen with newspapers in an Easter egg, this time with the headline "Eggs Tree! Eggs Tree!"
  • Email underlings — Strong Bad is again reading Da NewsPapes in the bathroom. The two articles report that a sports player signed a major contract, and that global relations set box office records this weekend.
  • Donut Unto Others — Homestar pulls out a newspaper called "The Imaginary Newspapes", which states that "the Marzipan was stunned when she woke to find a totally legit donut enterprise operating out of her own dang kitchen". The term "The Marzipan" refers to integral articles.

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