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Subtitles logo These are the English subtitles for bike thief. watch this toon
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<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?>
<transcript xml:lang="en-us" file="sbemail178.swf" width="550" height="400">
<line start="16" end="44" speaker="strongbad">Letters. And words.</line>
<line start="46" end="89" speaker="strongbad">Emails get absurd, I just gotta jump back!</line>
<line start="90" end="106" speaker="strongbad">"Hey Strong Bad,</line>
<line start="107" end="147" speaker="strongbad">"I'm at college and I need to keep my bike from being stolen.</line>
<line start="148" end="197" speaker="strongbad">"I figure if I think like a thief, I can figure out how to protect it.</line>
<line start="198" end="233" speaker="strongbad">"So, how would you try to steal my bike?</line>
<line start="234" end="260" speaker="strongbad">"Virginia, M I."</line>
<line start="261" end="298" speaker="strongbad">Oh, not smart enough for MIT, huh?</line>
<line start="299" end="317" speaker="strongbad">Just MI?</line>
<line start="318" end="365" speaker="strongbad">Well first off, how do you know your crappy bike is even worth stealing?</line>
<line start="366" end="383" speaker="strongbad">How many pegs you got?</line>
<line start="384" end="408" speaker="strongbad">Mag wheels? White tires?</line>
<line start="409" end="435" speaker="strongbad">Worthless baseball card in the spokes?</line>
<line start="436" end="466" speaker="strongbad">If not, then you got nothing to worry about.</line>
<line start="467" end="532" speaker="strongbad">What self-respecting bicycle thief would steal a (shudder) ten-speed?</line>
<line start="533" end="579" speaker="strongbad">Or a (shudder, shudder) mounTAIN bike?</line>
<line start="580" end="611" speaker="strongbad">The only thing those bikes gets you is tired.</line>
<line start="612" end="663" speaker="strongbad">Any bike with a water bottle holder is a complete waste of bike.</line>
<line start="664" end="691" speaker="strongbad">But, let's pretend you do have a cool bike.</line>
<line start="692" end="752" speaker="strongbad">I would first go to my old thieving standby: dress up like a bush.</line>
<line start="814" end="842" speaker="strongbad">Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow!</line>
<line start="843" end="858"><pompom>Bubbles</pompom><strongbad>Oh, I mean...</strongbad></line>
<line start="859" end="886" speaker="strongbad">Bush. Bush. Leaves. Branch.</line>
<line start="887" end="904"><strongbad>Bush. Bush. Leaves. Branch.</strongbad><pompom>Bubbles</pompom></line>
<line start="905" end="927" speaker="strongbad">Um... Berries.</line>
<line start="928" end="985" speaker="strongbad" voiceover="voiceover">And don't forget: dressing up as a bush is also a great way to get free pizza!</line>
<line start="986" end="1006" speaker="strongbad">Can I have some free pizza?</line>
<line start="1007" end="1032" speaker="bubs">Sure thing, bush!</line>
<line start="1033" end="1083" speaker="strongbad" voiceover="voiceover">Variations on this approach include dressing up as a cactus,</line>
<line start="1084" end="1110" speaker="strongbad" voiceover="voiceover">A trashcan, or a barrel.</line>
<line start="1111" end="1153" speaker="strongbad" voiceover="voiceover">Though, depending on your physique you could also dress up like...</line>
<line start="1154" end="1176" speaker="strongbad" voiceover="voiceover">A hideous pile...</line>
<line start="1177" end="1193" speaker="strongbad" voiceover="voiceover">Or a... <span style="visibility:hidden">textile factory?</span></line>
<line start="1194" end="1230" speaker="strongbad" voiceover="voiceover">Or a... textile factory?</line>
<line start="1231" end="1289" speaker="strongbad">So if I were you, I'd steer clear of pretty much anything with cartoon eyeholes.</line>
<line start="1290" end="1339" speaker="strongbad">If that method didn't work for me, I'd go for the awkward swindle.</line>
<line start="1340" end="1384" speaker="strongbad">This is especially effective on college campuses.</line>
<line start="1396" end="1425" speaker="strongbad">Hey, brother. Hey, my bromide.</line>
<line start="1426" end="1462" speaker="strongbad">You look like a cool guy who likes to progress.</line>
<line start="1463" end="1511" speaker="strongbad">I was wondering if you'd be interested in signing this petition to ban roll-on...</line>
<line start="1512" end="1545" speaker="homestar">Oh, um, yeah, sorry, uh, I've got a class...</line>
<line start="1546" end="1561" speaker="strongbad">Free vegan food...</line>
<line start="1562" end="1586" speaker="homestar">Er, my roommate's like... you know...</line>
<line start="1587" end="1597" speaker="strongbad">Fellowship...</line>
<line start="1598" end="1617" speaker="homestar">So, my parents, um...</line>
<line start="1618" end="1629" speaker="strongbad">Drum circle?</line>
<line start="1630" end="1644" speaker="homestar">Computer lab!</line>
<line start="1645" end="1670" speaker="strongbad" voiceover="voiceover">Man. So effective!</line>
<line start="1671" end="1728" speaker="strongbad" voiceover="voiceover">I've stolen people's lunches this way... their girlfriends... puppies even!</line>
<line start="1729" end="1747" speaker="marzipan">Hey, my bromide, wanna sign this--</line>
<line start="1748" end="1763" speaker="strongbad">Meal plan!</line>
<line start="1764" end="1794" speaker="marzipan">Cool, man, free bike.</line>
<line start="1795" end="1833" speaker="strongbad">But my all-time favorite thiefnique has got to be...</line>
<line start="1834" end="1893" speaker="strongbad">The best use of black turtlenecks and suction cups ever devised:</line>
<line start="1894" end="1912" speaker="strongbad">Cat-burgling!</line>
<line start="1926" end="1962" speaker="strongbad">Almost... to the top!</line>
<line start="2005" end="2042" speaker="strongbad">Aw, Ponch. Laser tech security!</line>
<line start="2043" end="2083" speaker="strongbad">I'll have to employ some Chinese acrobatics!</line>
<line start="2084" end="2114" speaker="strongbad" sfx="sfx">grunting</line>
<line start="2115" end="2169" speaker="strongbad">Ugh, these suction cups are stuck to the side of this couchscraper.</line>
<line start="2170" end="2209" speaker="strongbad">Ah, somebody? The Cheat?</line>
<line start="2210" end="2259" speaker="strongbad">Come put that bicycle seat in my mouth! Gently!</line>
<line start="2260" end="2294" speaker="strongbad">Aw, Jon! Light tech security!</line>
<line start="2295" end="2363" speaker="strongsad">Well, if you had agreed to play Cats the musical, instead of cat-burglar,</line>
<line start="2364" end="2407" speaker="strongsad">maybe you wouldn't be stuck to the back of the couch again.</line>
<line start="2408" end="2445" speaker="strongbad">I would rather die.</line>
<line start="2446" end="2474" speaker="strongbad">That's how I'd do it, College Bike Owner. </line>
<line start="2475" end="2568" speaker="strongbad">So keep away from shrubbery, don't talk to anyone with a clipboard, and avoid putting your bike on the roof of glass skyscrapers.</line>
<line start="2569" end="2597" speaker="strongbad">Secret message to bike thieves!</line>
<line start="2598" end="2642" speaker="strongbad">Bolt cutters, guys! Just use bolt cutters!</line>
<line start="2643" end="2685" speaker="strongbad">We'll split the pawn-shop money fitty-fitty!</line>
<line start="2686" end="2700" speaker="strongbad">See you next time!</line>
<line start="2701" end="2738" speaker="newpaper">Shuffling noises</line>
<line start="2739" end="2777" speaker="strongbad">Nice try, New Papes.</line>
<line start="2778" end="2814" speaker="strongbad">Though that does make me feel a little better...</line>
<line start="2815" end="2840" speaker="strongbad">He was so stripedy...</line>
<line start="2858" end="2871" speaker="strongbad">Whoa, what the?</line>
<line start="2872" end="2920" speaker="homestar">Garbage, garbage, rubbish...</line>
<line start="2921" end="2954" speaker="homestar">Umm... murder weapon.</line>
<line start="2955" end="2988" speaker="strongbad">Are you supposed to be a trash can or a robot?</line>
<line start="2989" end="3013" speaker="homestar">Um... <span style="visibility:hidden">You wanna sign this petition, my bromide?</span></line>
<line start="3014" end="3047" speaker="homestar">Um... You wanna sign this petition, my bromide?</line>
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