candy product

From Homestar Runner Wiki

CHOCOLATE?! Rain. ("Chocolate Rain" by Tay Zonday plays)

String Bed makes a confectionary treat.

Cast (in order of appearance): Read the damn script, already.

Places: See below.

Computer: Lappy 486

Date: Sunday, November 11, 2012

Running Time: 3:01

Page Title: Did Somebody Say Chocolate?

DVD: strongbad_email.exe Disc Five

Transcript

STRONG BAD: {he blows into a bong} Check one, check two. {echoes along with a Vocoder voice effect as flashing colors fill the room} Sibilance. Sibilance. {room returns to normal}

subject: Candy

Dear Strongbad
I was wondering, if you are so young, dumb, and ugly, and a
chick-repellent how come you dont have any cannibis...
or food thing... to sell..............
From somone thats not homestarrunnner

STRONG BAD: {typing} Well, of course you're not, SUS. Or else you would've fall in love to my Baby Daddy: Homestar. {clears screen} So what I don't have a candy product. I betcha I will by the end of this email. I'm a chick-repellent to have a jock-strap. Why is it athletes are the only ones with a jock-strap? Shouldn't they have their own brand of, like, jock-strap instead? {clears screen} For my candy bar {the candy machine from SpongeBob floats across the screen}, we're gonna need a name like Jock-Strap. How 'bou... {Strong Bad's pitch lowers as he says the "OOOUUU" part} SBLOOOOOOUUUUUUU--{blinks repeatedly}.

{A brown "SBLOUNSKCHED! bar" smashes a Goomba onscreen, splatters blood, and then disappears.}

STRONG BAD: 'Cuz that's how you're gonna feel when you eat one... like you got shit! Now we gotta be sure and represent as many of the different states—

{A candy-based periodic table covers the screen.}

STRONG BAD: —of matter as possible. We'll start with a gaseous cloud of cum—

{While Strong Bad says the second sentence, a pile of marshmallows appears from the left and puffs into a shiny, white vapor.}

STRONG BAD: —encased in a globule of semi-solid snake.

{As this is said, the Metal Gear Solid 2 game case pops up along with the "unsure Squidward face" as the song "Snake Tales" from MGS2 Substance plays and zooms in. It shrinks while it and many other identical gross close-ups of Spongebob faces fill the screen as ear raping noises overlap the music. The mad mix stops as Strong Bad says the next sentence.}

STRONG BAD: A bunch of those will be floating in a channel of liquid semen—

{A wave of white nougat fills the lower half of the screen, and the licorice spheres begin floating in the new stream.}

STRONG BAD: —which I recently found out is the candy equivalent of milk. And we roll all that up inside a solid crispety cookety cock—

{At the end of the last sentence, a cookie dough log with chocolate chips wraps around the stream and puts it back to the center. The white liquid squirts out.}

STRONG BAD: Then sprinkle that with, not just crispy puffed rice, but a Nazi.

{As this is spoken, Hitler lands on the cookie log and crushes it.}

STRONG BAD: And finally, smother that with the ol' BBC {The BBC logo appears and fades out}: Boring Brown Chocolate.

(The crazy chocolate fish from SpongeBob tears a hole in the background unexpectedly)

TOM SMITH (the chocolate fish): CHOOOOOCLAAAAATEE!!!!!!

{Fades to black}

(Fades in from black}

STRONG BAD: Now that is a confection worthy of the SHIT name.

{The word "SHIT" appears embossed on the candy.}

STRONG BAD: But I need to think of a better shape than the standard piece-of-shit shape.

{Cut to Strong Bad in the bathroom with Mr. Krabs doing a crossword puzzle, reading a newspaper.}

STRONG BAD: I'm talkin' to you, Baby Ruth.

{Cut back to the Periodic Table.}

STRONG BAD: Let's see... shape, shape, shape shape shape—

{The candy rapidly morphs through a series of shapes: a chainsaw, Pokey's robotic spider from Mother 2: Earthbound, the "unsure Squidward" face, a syringe with an "AIDS" label, a Bob-Omb, MOAR Krabs, a piece of toast, and Krusty the Clown.}

STRONG BAD: —ooh, what about my penis?

{The candy morphs into the shape of a brown penis}

STRONG BAD: Everybody knows my penis! And it comes with a built-in bite {a bite is taken out of the pants, with a 'chomp' sound with blood and jiz squirting out as Spongebob screams, "This is PAINFUUUULL!!!"}

{Cut back to computer}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Man, with a cock like that, you could get away with anything!

{A candy commercial begins. Fade in to a close-up of Strong Bad's feet and pants as he walks down a road stepping on Yoshi eggs and Grunts (from the Halo series) towards the camera. The words "copyright 2012 Viacom" appear in the bottom-right corner for the first few seconds.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover, singing} You got the munchies.

The crisp and the crunch.

Livin' in the gutter with Grandma... {shows Squidward humping Sr. Cardgage in an alleyway}

When Coach puts you in,— {shows Coach from Left 4 Dead 2 blowing up Coach Z with a bile bomb}

You gotta go for the win.

Y2K turned out all riiiight! {shows a rocket from Super Mario Bros. 2 blowing up Strong Bad's basement ceiling}

You can do it! {shows Mr. Krabs humping Patrick behind a dumpster}

Crunchy chew it! {shows Patrick chewing on a Sponge-cock}

{with chorus} Who's got the money?!?

You got NOTHING!

{The Paper comes down reading "Copyright 2012 Viacom"}