retirement

From Homestar Runner Wiki

Revision as of 07:31, 9 October 2006

"Oh! Automatic hole-formatting."

retirement A and retirement B combined into one large e-mail!.

Cast (in order of appearance): Strong Bad, Marshie, The Sad Kids, Marshie's Mother, Lappy 486, Tandy 400, Compy 386, The Paper, Homestar Runner, The King of Town, Marzipan, The Cheat, Strong Mad, Female Lappy 486

Places: Strong Bad's Basement, Bubs' Concession Stand, Computer Room, Carnival Tent, The Field

Computers: Tandy 400, Compy 386, Lappy 486

Date: October 9, 2006

Running Time:

Page Title: Lappy 486

Transcript

{Open in Strong Bad's computer room, coming in on a worried Strong Bad, while suspenseful music plays.}

STRONG BAD: My computer's been lappynapped!

{A record scratches and the screen dims, Marshie comes in from the bottom of the screen.}

MARSHIE: Hello, Kenneth!

{Marshie flies across a yellow background.}

MARSHIE: Hear me roar!

{Marshie growls for a moment, then opens his mouth wide, the background turns red, sound lines come out of his mouth, and he meows. Cut to a shot of the Sad Kids standing on top of Marshie.}

MARSHIE: That's right, kids!

{Silhouettes of the main characters scroll across the page, with big question marks over them. As he names the sweepstakes, the name appears on the screen.}

MARSHIE: Play the Fluffy Puff Marshmallows My Lappy Got Stole! Sweepstakes and win big!

{As Marshie says "big", he grows a large, fat, white body, and his voice deepens. Cut to a shot of a bicycle. Marshie's voice is back to normal.}

MARSHIE: First prize,—

{A shot of a metal detector}

MARSHIE: —second tries,—

{Marshie, in a car, driving along with mountains in the background}

MARSHIE: {singing} Take a trip to the mountains... {these words appear above the mountains, written on a musical staff}

{The screen dims and Marshie comes down from the top with a top hat and a cane.}

MARSHIE: I'm a song and dance man!

{Cut to a wooden desk, with a note card on it.}

MARSHIE: Just email who you think done it on a 3x5 note card,—

{"it was the HIPPO!" is written on the note card.}

MARSHIE: —stick a Fluffy Puff on each corner,—

{Four marshmallows appear, one stuck on each corner of the card. Cut to Marshie, talking through gritted teeth, in front of a portrait of an older woman.}

MARSHIE: —and just walk away, mother...

{Cut to Strong Bad's basement, looking at the ad on the TV. Marshie is next to a bag of Fluffy Puff Marshmallows.}

MARSHIE: Fluffy Puff Marshmallows. Yeah! Still!

{The words "Yeah! Still!" appear underneath Marshie. Cut to Strong Bad lying on the couch, surrounded by empty chip packets of various descriptions.}

STRONG BAD: You gotta be kidding me. Man, everybody's trying to make a buck or nine off my heart-drooping loss.

{He feels around in the nearest bag of chips, and finds that it's empty.}

STRONG BAD: Oh, perfect. Now I'm out of my antidepressant. Nothing dulls the pain quite like several dozen half-full bags of {as he lists the flavorings, symbols for them appear at the top of the screen} Italian-herb-chipotle-buffalo-ranch-guacamole-Thai-peanut-style chippety-chomps. I guess I'll slink off to Bubs' and refill my prescription. Slinnnk...

{Strong Bad somehow slides up and over the armrest of the couch, and off screen. Cut to Strong Bad at Bubs' Concession Stand. Bubs is nowhere to be seen.}

STRONG BAD: Bubs! Hello? Can I get a witness? Bubs? {looks around the stand, and screams}

{Pan to the side of the stand, we see the Lappy's power cord hanging off the roof. Tense music plays.}

STRONG BAD: The Lappy's tail! I'll save you, Lappy-pie... boo... {runs back and forth anxiously, making the Homsar walking noise} Just keep your pixels on. Strong Bad's got everything under control-alt-delete.

{Strong Bad picks up a ladder from behind the stand, and climbs up onto the roof.}

STRONG BAD: Who put you up here— Wha?!?

{The suspenseful music plays, and reveal the Lappy, with the broken Tandy and the shotgunned Compy. The Tandy is suspending a horseshoe magnet from a fishing rod above the Lappy's keyboard.}

STRONG BAD: It's my crappier and crappiest computers!

{Both old computers fizz and spark.}

STRONG BAD: Careful, guys, let's not do anything inappropriate with that magnet... I've got a lot of important text files on that 5 meg hard drive... Now just let the Lappy go, and we can all go out for hushpuppies. You guys still like hushpuppies, don't you?

{Both old computers fizz and spark a lot.}

STRONG BAD: Okay, fine. hushpuppies are out. For some reason I... I thought you guys liked hushpuppies.

{Both old computers keep fizzing and sparking. The Tandy also churns its floppy disk drive.}

STRONG BAD: Sorry, guys, we're getting nowhere. I don't speak extravagantly broken computer.

{The Paper comes down, reading "'Sup Strong Bad. I'll help with the translation."}

STRONG BAD: The Paper! You're just in time! Find out what they want!

{The Paper goes back up, and the Compy "talks" for a bit. The Paper comes back down with "They want to come out of retirement..."}

STRONG BAD: Retirement? They didn't retire, I threw them away. Ask them if they mean they want to come out of thrown-awayment.

{The Paper comes down again, reading "They're not laughing. They each want to check one last email."}

STRONG BAD: Are they joking? Those guys couldn't check an email with the help of sixty horses dressed up as IT professionals!

{The Tandy lowers the magnet a little, and the Lappy's screen turns on, showing:}

Oh, Child!
It's the Teal Screen
of Near Death! (TSoND)

STRONG BAD: Okay, okay, okay! I'll do my best. If it'll save the orphanage... I mean, my Lappy, I'll do it. Now, let's check emails like it was the deuce double-ought dweice!

{Both old computers "talk".}

STRONG BAD: It just means 2002... I... thought it was slick... slick-rick... way to talk...

{Fade through black to Strong Bad with the Tandy at the email-checking desk.}

STRONG BAD: {singing} Green lines, green, green lines. It's a Strong Bad Email again.

dearest strong bad
do you remember the email that you deleted
the hardest
sincerly
josh
oakland

{Strong Bad reads "sincerly" as written, and "josh oakland" as "josho kland"}

STRONG BAD: Well, let's just see here... Zero capitalization...

{The first letters of each of "dearest", "strong", "bad", "do", "sincerly", "josh" and "oakland" are all briefly highlighted}

STRONG BAD: Misspelling...

{The word "sincerly" is briefly highlighted}

STRONG BAD: Lack of punctuation...

{The blank spaces after "bad", "hardest", "sincerly" and "josh" are all briefly highlighted}

STRONG BAD: Looks like a winner to me! {typing} Dearest Josho, I have some good news for you! I DO remember the email that I deleted the hardest. And I'm still remembering it right now!!! {stops typing} Homestar! Little help please.

{Zooms out to reveal Homestar pouring a bottle of Mountain Dew into the hole in the side of the Tandy}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: I'm way ahead of ya, SB.

STRONG BAD: Then, we'll just add some of the King of Town's fizzy denture tablets.

{Strong Bad holds up a box of "Oh No You Dent!!!" disgusting old person tablets}

THE KING OF TOWN: {offscreen} Thems is my after-dinner mints!

{Strong Bad tips several of the tablets into the hole.}

STRONG BAD: {heavy reverb} And now if you'd please turn in your hymnals, and join me in singing number 119, a-deleted.

{Strong Bad hits the keyboard, and the "DELETED!!" screen comes up, with a gothic font. Organ music plays.}

STRONG BAD & HOMESTAR RUNNER: {singing} Deleted!

{Strong Bad swings a pickaxe through the keyboard and the desk. The Tandy explodes, and gives off a bad graphics mushroom cloud.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {turns away, falls to his knees and closes his eyes} Aaah!

STRONG BAD: Goodbye, old girl. They'll always say you went out in a blaze of green rectangular glory.

{Homestar, with one eye still closed, starts pouring Mountain Dew on the carpet. Cut to a closeup of Strong Bad.}

STRONG BAD: All right! One down, one to go.

{Cut to a shot of the shotgunned Compy on the desk. The suspenseful music plays. The screen fades to black.

{Strong Bad is in front of the Compy. Despite the hole, he manages to type "strongbad_email.exe".}

STRONG BAD: {singing} There's a big ol' hole inside my email, makin' it hard to cheeeeck...

{He brings up the email. It is formatted around the hole.}

STRONG BAD: Oooh! Automatic hole formatting! {starts reading}

Dear Strong Bad,
I want to see you perform some amazing
feats of
wonder.

Very ser-                     iously,
Luke S.

{Strong Bad says "Double Dear Strong Bad" in place of the first line, and after reading "wonder", he comments "You mean, more amazing than checking an email on this computer?!" In place of the name, he says "Luke South".}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Well, I am very serious too. Serious about the most incredible, tantalizing, pants-defying, mind-googling sights in the whole world!! {stops typing} Lalalalalalaaaa!

{Cut back to show the whole computer room. A boater hat falls on his head and a cane into his hand.}

STRONG BAD: Ladies and Luke, I give you...

{The Computer Room rises, as if it were a theater curtain, revealing a carnival tent.}

STRONG BAD: {as a sideshow caller} Strong Bad's Amazing Feats of Wonder! {Strong Bad appears in the foreground} Gawk and squawk as I walk and talk like an old-timey sideshow caller, and add "Lalalalalaa" to the end of everything I say lalalalalalaaa!

{Strong Bad ducks down. Cut to inside the tent.}

STRONG BAD: First, in our gallery of ocular oddities, is a contortionist with a twist!

{He moves away, revealing a curtain painted with "MARZiPAN - SHE-TYPE! KA-RAZY?"}

STRONG BAD: Feast your Dust Bowl-ravaged eyes on {Curtain lifts, revealing Marzipan with her hair tied up.} Marzipan, the Human Woo-man {rolls the next "R"} Rrrrrotini!

{A logo for "The Human Woo-man Rotini" appears. Marzipan curls her neck like a spring. The audience makes amazed sounds.}

STRONG BAD: Behold! An ocean of pesto!

{Green liquid flies in from offscreen and lands on Marzipan.}

MARZIPAN: That's not part of my act!

{Cut to The King of Town, with some of the green liquid dribbling down from his moustache.}

THE KING OF TOWN: I know! It's a part of mine lalalalalalalaaa!

{He sucks in the liquid. Cut back to Strong Bad.}

STRONG BAD: Now, direct your attention to the Pee Wee Stage...

{Again, Strong Bad moves aside. Now the curtain shows "THE CHEAT - AND HOW! PART ANVIL?"}

STRONG BAD: ...where the flea circus has left town, and the inmates are restless!

{The audience ooohs as the curtain is lifted, showing a manacled The Cheat.}

STRONG BAD: Gather strong at The Cheat's Flea Prison Riot!

{As the above words appear, a magnifying glass focuses on The Cheat and zooms in on a tiny prison in his fur, where a number of small black dots are rioting and squabbling. The prison has some flames coming out of the windows, and a siren is heard. Cut back to Strong Bad.}

STRONG BAD: And lastly, so ghastly, the ate-thh wonder of the world!

{Cut to curtain showing "Strong Mad - ATE THH! NECK?"}

STRONG BAD: House-mouth!!!

{The curtain lifts, showing Strong Mad in a loincloth. A "HOUSE-MOUTH" logo appears. The audience gasps.}

STRONG MAD: DAAAAH!! {Opens his mouth very wide, taking up most of his body and creating the shape of a house.}

STRONG BAD: {popping in from the side of the screen} This land-locked leviathan conveniently subsists only on outdated electronics!

{He ducks away as the Compy is thrown in Strong Mad's mouth. He closes his mouth. A second later, he jumps a bit as a sparking sound is heard. Strong Mad gulps it down.}

STRONG BAD: {popping in again, and throwing his hat and cane} We did it!!! Lalalalalalalaaaa!

{The scene again rises like a curtain, revealing the Computer Room. The Lappy is in its place at the desk.}

STRONG BAD: The Lappy! You're back...y! You and I have some unfinished business, little lady!

{Strong Bad sits down. Cut to the Lappy's screen.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} There ya go, Jake-ula. Now all the cliffhangers have been for reallysolved. Okay, Lappy, I hope your battery's charged, {music starts} cuz I'm finally taking you out for those hush-puppies you always wanted!!!

{He picks up the Lappy and walks off. Cut to a silhouette of Strong Bad holding the Lappy and walking across the sunset. Ghostly images of the Tandy and Compy appear over his head. The music suddenly stops with a record scratch.}

FEMALE LAPPY 486: But Strong Bad, I'm hate hushpuppies!

STRONG BAD: Man, I coulda sworn one of you guys liked hushpuppies.

{The Paper comes down, reading "It was me. I like hushpuppies." The music starts again. It eventually stops again with a record scratch.}

FEMALE LAPPY 486: Can we please find my toe?

{Strong Bad stops walking and looks up toward the ghostly images, which speed away.}

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