Coffee Town with Homestar + Mike

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Revision as of 22:09, 28 April 2018

Homestar and Mike Chapman sit down to produce the 86th episode of Coffee Town.

Cast (in order of appearance): Puppet Homestar, Mike Chapman

Places: A Coffee Table

Date: Thursday, August 24, 2017

Running Time: 5:30

Transcript

{Opens with Puppet Homestar in front of a corner table on which are coffee making supplies. On the walls are framed shirts from the Store. A sign in the lower right reads 'COFFEE TOWN WITH HOMESTAR + MIKE'.}

MIKE CHAPMAN: {from out of frame} We're live.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Live what?

{Mike walks into frame from behind the camera and sits down next to Puppet Homestar.}

MIKE: Live... video. Live phone.

HOMESTAR: Oh!

MIKE: We're on live phone right now.

HOMESTAR: What is this?

MIKE: Some kind-

HOMESTAR: What are we doin'?

MIKE: We're doin' Coffee Town with {looks at sign} Homestar and Mike.

HOMESTAR: Oh.

MIKE: I couldn't tell which one of us went first.

HOMESTAR: I thought that was fake.

MIKE: Nope, it's real. This is episode number 86, I believe?

HOMESTAR: What?! We done 85 more of these?

MIKE: Yeah.

HOMESTAR: That's a lotta coffee, Mike.

MIKE: Yeah. So we're gonna be makin' some coffee here, Homestar. {opens bag}

HOMESTAR: Oh okay. What type? How many origins does this coffee have?

MIKE: Single. One.

HOMESTAR: Single origin.

MIKE: Yep.

HOMESTAR: Those are-

MIKE: Some blue coffee.

HOMESTAR: I'm sick of watchin' origin stories.

MIKE: Dark chocolate-

HOMESTAR: I want you to get into like episode five of this coffee. You know what I'm sayin'?

MIKE: Yeah.

HOMESTAR: Where it's fighting the lesser-

MIKE: Sniff?

{Mike holds a spoonful up to HR's mouth. Homestar sniffs.}

HOMESTAR: Ooooh.

MIKE: You sniffed with your mouth.

HOMESTAR: {laughs} I did. It's my olfactory organ, Mike.

MIKE: Your-

HOMESTAR: It's all I got.

MIKE: Your ole factory?

HOMESTAR: It- It's the new factory.

MIKE: Okay.

HOMESTAR: What a, what-

MIKE: Get a couple scoops of this.

HOMESTAR: Wait, but what notes? We gotta talk about the notes!

MIKE: {grabs water pitcher} Smoky notes.

HOMESTAR: Smoky notes, okay. {about pitcher} What's that thing?

MIKE: Uh, intense notes.

HOMESTAR: What are you puttin' in there now?

MIKE: And full- This is called 'water'.

HOMESTAR: Ohhhh.

MIKE: Wanna take a- take a whiff of this with your mouth?

{Mike holds the pitcher up to HR's mouth. Homestar sniffs.}

HOMESTAR: Oh, I got notes of-

MIKE: Get some-

HOMESTAR: Hydrogens.

MIKE: Mmm hmm.

HOMESTAR: Um, slight oxygens, um-

MIKE: Do you wanna stir it?

{Mike holds the stirrer up to HR's mouth. Homestar grabs the stirrer with his mouth. After a beat, he drops the stirrer on Mike's chair.}

HOMESTAR: Pah! I say.

{Mike grabs it and starts stirring the coffee.}

MIKE: Hey you know what-

HOMESTAR: That would be a disaster, Mike. Don't- don't ask me to help any more.

MIKE: I'm gonna do a timer for two minutes. {hits buttons on microwave}

HOMESTAR: Okay. Two minute timer. Single origin.

MIKE: Yep. {pours water in press}

HOMESTAR: Blue bag.

MIKE: Smoky.

HOMESTAR: Smoky.

MIKE: And while we wait, we're gonna wait two minutes for this to brew or steep. I guess it brews, right? {glances down, presumably at Matt}

HOMESTAR: Yeah don't-

MIKE: I don't know why I looked down there. There's nothing down there for me to- {laughs}

HOMESTAR: {laughs} Yeah stop lookin' down there, Mike!

MIKE: Hey! {gets up}

HOMESTAR: What's wrong with you?

MIKE: I got a treat for you, though.

HOMESTAR: What is it?

MIKE: You know how, uh-

HOMESTAR: More of a treat than-

MIKE: {sits down holding a tin} You know how I always like to bring something to eat while we make our coffee. Like, it's part of our, part of our little-

HOMESTAR: Ritual?

MIKE: Livecast, yeah.

HOMESTAR: Our made up ritual?

{Mike holds up a Pirouline. Homestar gasps.}

MIKE: Pirouline!

HOMESTAR: {very excited} A Pirouline!

MIKE: Yeah.

{Mike moves the Pirouline to Homestar's mouth. Homestar chomps on it and pieces fall everywhere.}

HOMESTAR: You know I love 'em!

{Mike laughs and eats a big piece.}

HOMESTAR: Pah! Pah! They're so good I'm gonna spit 'em out!

MIKE: Mmm hmm.

HOMESTAR: {calmer} Lemme get another one of them Piroulines!

{Mike puts a big piece in Homestar's mouth so that it somewhat resembles a cigar.}

HOMESTAR: {gruff voice} I feel like a gangster, Mike.

MIKE: {laughs}

HOMESTAR: I feel like a gangster with a cigar {pronounced CEE-gar}.

MIKE: {adjusts Pirouline} Bit more, there you go.

HOMESTAR: Yeah. There's no room for this town in you and me any- {Pirouline falls out} Awww.

MIKE: {overlapping} 'See'. {catches Pirouline} You gotta say 'see' at the end of your sentence.

HOMESTAR: See?

MIKE: There you go.

HOMESTAR: There's no room for this town any more, you and me.

MIKE: {takes a bite} Lemme, lemme clean your mouth.

{Homestar opens up and says ah. Mike brushes off Homestar's felt-mouth while Homestar coughs.}

HOMESTAR: You're gaggin' me! Stop!

MIKE: Alright, got it.

{Homestar sighs. Mike eats the last bit of Pirouline and points at something on the microwave.}

HOMESTAR: Pretty good.

MIKE: Look, the timer went away, it says 1:40- Hmm. Alright.

HOMESTAR: Ummm, my internal timer says it's almost time.

MIKE: Alright. Let's stir it. {starts stirring}

HOMESTAR: Stir. Rinse. Repeat. Replete.

MIKE: Filter. {puts filter on press}

HOMESTAR: Is this coffee replete with flavor, Mike?

MIKE: Yes.

HOMESTAR: Would you say? Hey, get that elbow back up there.

MIKE: Hmm?

HOMESTAR: Get that elbow back up there!

{Mike inverts the coffee press and exaggeratedly raises his left elbow to press down.}

HOMESTAR: No, the other one!

MIKE: {raises right elbow} This one?

HOMESTAR: Yeah.

MIKE: Why?

HOMESTAR: Get, get it up.

{This time, Mike exaggeratedly raises his right elbow to press down. Homestar starts to bite Mike's elbow. Mike laughs.}

HOMESTAR: How's that?

MIKE: That's pretty good.

HOMESTAR: I kinda wanted to chomp on that elbow.

MIKE: Good lookin' elbow.

HOMESTAR: So what are you doing now?

MIKE: Now we're, um, vacuum sealing the coffee.

HOMESTAR: Okay. That sounds great!

MIKE: Yeah.

HOMESTAR: {sniffs} Can I make the sound effects?

MIKE: We're doin'-

{Homestar sniffs and the microwave timer beeps.}

MIKE: Oh, there was the-

HOMESTAR: Awww! We did it too early!

MIKE: That's okay!

HOMESTAR: It's gonna be disgusting!

MIKE: It took me a second to get the timer on, so I think it was probably exact.

{HR hums majestically while Mike removes the press to reveal their cup of coffee.}

MIKE: Look at that. Look at that.

HOMESTAR: Go. Take a sniff.

{Mike holds the cup up to Homestar's mouth and Homestar takes a sniff.}

HOMESTAR: Ahh. That-

MIKE: One for my partner?

HOMESTAR: No, I can't!

MIKE: {turns handle toward Homestar} This is yours.

HOMESTAR: Not right now! I'm on a- I already had two cups today!

MIKE: {laughs} Yeah?

HOMESTAR: Yeah. I'm gonna quit this round.

{Mike takes the first sip.}

MIKE: Mmm. It's good.

HOMESTAR: Gimme the notes!

MIKE: It's good coffee. {reaches for Piroulines} Uh, smoky.

HOMESTAR: Are you just makin' that up?

MIKE: Half-bodied.

HOMESTAR: You keep sayin' 'smoky'.

MIKE: {takes a Pirouline out of the tin} I don't know anything about these notes, Homestar.

HOMESTAR: Then use some-

MIKE: Thankfully it tastes like coffee.

HOMESTAR: Use Mike words.

MIKE: It tastes like good coffee.

HOMESTAR: Okay.

MIKE: It's dark.

HOMESTAR: Dark. What else does Mike say?

MIKE: It's pretty hot.

HOMESTAR: Dark hot.

MIKE: Yeah.

HOMESTAR: Okay.

MIKE: If we weren't live I would have let this sit a second, it's kinda burning my mouth.

HOMESTAR: {laughs} That's great! Hey, this is probably a great test.

MIKE: {dunks Pirouline in the coffee} You gonna give a little dunk? A little-

HOMESTAR: A great screen test.

MIKE: The old soft Pirouline.

HOMESTAR: Okay.

MIKE: Gonna pull a soft Pirouline right here.

HOMESTAR: {laughs} Don't do it!

{Mike takes a bite of the soft Pirouline.}

HOMESTAR: That's a figure skating maneuver!

MIKE: Mmm hmm. Mmm hmm.

HOMESTAR: I think {laughs} Nadia Comăneci used to do a Soft Pirouline.

{Mike takes another bite.}

MIKE: Alright, well good job on number eighty- what'd I say, 85 or 86?

HOMESTAR: You said 86, I think.

MIKE: 86. 86 is in the books.

HOMESTAR: Yeah.

{Mike holds up his hand for a high five. Homestar high fives with his mouth.}

HOMESTAR: Pah!

MIKE: Good job.

HOMESTAR: Yeah, get outta here!

{Mike stands up and walks out of frame behind the phone's camera.}

MIKE: Why don't you, um-

HOMESTAR: Hey, make your brother some coffee some time, why don'tcha.

MIKE: {laughs}

{Mike laughs. Homestar sinks out of frame while humming.}

MIKE: How do I stop it? We're still live.

HOMESTAR: {very quickly reappears} I don't know! Oh no! I'm gonna eat the sign!

{Homestar begins biting the 'Coffee Town with Homestar and Mike' sign.}

MIKE: There's a couple- it looks like there are four people, maybe? End. There's the 'End' button.

HOMESTAR: Do it!

{Homestar stops biting the sign and sinks out of frame again.}

MIKE: End live video.

{Homestar very quickly and very briefly reappears.}

Fun Facts

Inside References

• Coffee Town with Homestar + Mike first appeared as a recurring fake YouTube Related Video thumbnail.

Real World References

• Pirouline is a brand of rolled sweet wafer biscuit/cookie, sold by the DeBeukelaer Corporation in the United States.
• Nadia Comăneci is a Romanian gymnast and an Olympic gold medalist.
• Homestar and Mike appear to be making Counter Culture brand coffee.

External Links

• watch "Coffee Town with Homestar + Mike" on YouTube