Thy Dungeonman II Messages

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This is a list of all messages that appear in Thy Dungeonman II.

Spoiler warning: Plot or ending details follow.

Contents

[edit] Opening

Thou awake in a dungeon. There ist a barred WINDOW and a DOOR, some HAY and a CHAMBER POT. Thou wearest only a loincloth made of cheesecloth. It is a loin-cheese cloth. Thou rememberest little other than thine own name. By thy way, what ist thy name again?
Ah, yes. [name]. A [adjective]* name. Anyhoo. Like I mentionedeth: a Cell.

* - randomly "disappointing", "feeble", "filthy", "flaccid", "mundane", "noble", "picayune", "pleasant", "predictable", "ridiculous", "scrumtrilescent", "swell", "terrible"

[edit] Everywhere

  • LOOK
    {the description of the room you are in}
  • SELF
    • Any of the following that are applicable:
      [name]:
      Thou art unduly naked.
      Thy hitpoints are [hit points].
      Thou art holding thy nose quite firmly.
      Thou hast the plague. Bogus.
      Thy score is [score] out of a possible 100.
  • INV/INVENTORY
    • Any of the following that are applicable:
      Thou has moldy BREAD
      Thou has a filthy KEY
      Thou has a MAP
      Thou has thy trusty MOP
      Thou has a candy SUCKER
      Thou has thy loin-cheese CLOTH
  • HELP
    Type LOOK to see thy surroundings. Type INVENTORY to see thy worldly possessions. Type SELF to check thy status.
  • BREATHE/RELEASE NOSE/LET GO OF NOSE/UNPLUG NOSE/SMELL
    • If you are currently holding your nose:
      Phew! You let thy nostrils open forthwith and breatheth in the dungeon dankeries. Mmmm. Good dankeries!
    • Otherwise:
      A splendid idea, my good steward, were thou indeed holding thy nose.
  • DAN
    Dan's okay. He's goin back to junior college in the fall. Maybe get a job. Then who knows.
  • DANCE
    Ye puts thine point on ye floor and just grooves it.
  • DENNIS
    Ye hasn't seen Dennis in a fortmoonnast. Maybe luck is on your side.
  • DIE
    That wasn't very smart.
    (-100 points, you die)
  • EAT SUCKER
    • If you have the sucker:
      Naw, man.
  • GO {anywhere not valid}/NORTH/EAST/WEST/SOUTH
    Nah. Ye've been there already. The rides are boring and the lines are long.
  • GET/TAKE {anything not valid}
    That's not something we want you to get. You'll break it.
  • GET/TAKE/EAT BREAD
    • If you have the bread and aren't in the maze:
      Thou are already in possession of the moldy bread. And ye aren't in need of it now.
    • Otherwise, as long as you aren't in the maze:
      Haven't seen any of that around lately. It's thy favorite bedtime snack though.
  • GET/TAKE DAGGER
    Not this thyme, friend.
  • GET/TAKE FLASK/YE FLASK
    • First two times:
      Ye wish. If there was a flask in this game, we wouldst know about it.
    • After that:
      Ye pluck up the flask and examine of it. HEY WAIT! Give us that back!
      (+2 points each time)
  • GET/TAKE MAP
    Oh, thou hast already got it. Don't thee worry.
    (NOTE: It says this even if you don't already have it.)
  • GIVE {anything not valid}
    Just like ye to giveth away something thou doesn't have. And ye STILL has my Gameboy.
  • HOLD NOSE/BREATH
    • If you're already holding your nose:
      Thou art already holding thy nose. Thou art running out of hands.
    • Otherwise:
      Thou holds thy nostrils shut. Now all thou smells is the innards of thy nose. Smells like mutton.
  • LOOK {anything not valid}
    Dunno what that is. Thou liveth in thine own fantasy world.
  • LOOK CLOTH/LOINCLOTH/CHEESECLOTH
    • If you're wearing it:
      Eww. It smelleth as though it could use a good washing. It's keeping thee warm and ... well, warm at least.
    • Otherwise:
      Eww. It smelleth as though it could use a good washing. I hope it does not alarm thou to mention that thou art not actually wearing it, friend.
  • LOOK KEY
    • If you have the key:
      It is key-shaped. Ye supposeth something could be unlocked with it. Thou wert always the clever dungeonman.
    • Otherwise:
      Clever, but no. You don't have one.
  • LOOK MAP
    • If you have the map:
      Okay so it's not like a map-map. It's just a piece of parchment that sayeth: West, West, North, West, North, North, East, East, North, East, North, North.
      It disintegrates in thy hand. This nonsense is getting old.
    • If you previously had the map:
      Just ashes. Luckily thou hast parchmentic memory: West, West, North, West, North, North, East, East, North, East, .... uh ... hrm.
    • Otherwise:
      Sorry, which map would that be, exactly?
  • LOOK SUCKER
    • If you have the sucker:
      The wrapper sayeth, "Super Mutton Pop. Now with 30% less tendon!"
  • PUT ON/WEAR CLOTH/LOINCLOTH/CHEESECLOTH
    • If you're already wearing it:
      Playing dress-up again? Thou art already wearing it.
    • Otherwise:
      A good idea for now. The draught is withering.
  • REMOVE/TAKE OFF CLOTH/LOINCLOTH/CHEESECLOTH
    • If you're currently wearing it:
      Thou art as naked as the day god made thee.
    • Otherwise:
      A grand idea but for that thou hast already removed the loin-cheesecloth.
  • PWD
    ~*dungeonman/DUNGEON/[name of location]
    (In place of *, the first letter of the player's name.)
  • SNIFF
    • If you're holding your nose:
      Not with thy nose held. Garbage in, garbage out.
    • Otherwise:
      Art thou wearing Wumpus, the new fragrance by Monarch?
  • TALK {anything}
    You wish [whatever was typed] was here. God, that's all ye ever talketh about anymore.
  • Anything else
    That does not computeth. Type HELP is thou needs of it.
  • Miscellaneous:
    • After the eleventh action after holding your breath (if you do not release it):
      Ye suddenly collapse deadeth onto the cold stone floor. Since ye are not much of a mouth breather and forgot to unplug thy nose, thou hast suffocated. Thou art hilariously dumb. Thou loseth. Thank thee for playing.
      (You die.)
    • After the sixth action after getting the plague, or since eating the bread, before the ordinary text:
      (Ye still has the plague.)
    • After the eleventh action after getting the plague, or since eating the bread, before the ordinary text:
      (Ye has the plague, friend.)
    • After the sixteenth action after getting the plague, or since eating the bread, before the ordinary text:
      (Please note that ye doth have plague and it be raging.)
    • After the twenty-first action after getting the plague, or since eating the bread, before the ordinary text:
      (Ye totally has the plague.)
    • After the twenty-third action after getting the plague, or since eating the bread, before the ordinary text:
      (Hey, bubon. Yeah, I'm talking to thee.)
    • After the twenty-fourth action after getting the plague, or since eating the bread, before the ordinary text:
      (Ye should probably do something about this plague. No jokin', squire.)
    • After the twenty-fifth action after getting the plague, or since eating the bread, before the ordinary text:
      (Ye has what now could be considered an excruciating case of the plague.)
    • After the twenty-seventh action after getting the plague, or since eating the bread:
      Wow. Plague can be a thorn in the codpiece. Thou're dead, and frankly thou should be a little embarassed.
      (You die.)

[edit] Cell

Ye find yeself in yon cell. There ist a barred WINDOW, a firmly shut DOOR, some HAY, and a CHAMBER POT.
  • GET CHAMBER POT/POT
    • If you have the key:
      There is nothing left to discover here. Thou must trust us on this one.
    • Otherwise:
      You pluck it up and its contents slosh around in a foul manner. You hear the TINKLE of metal inside it. The odor grosses thou out so you put the chamber pot back down.
    • If you are holding your nose:
      Thy've seen nicer pots, so perhaps thee shall leave it here. It's what's inside that countes.
  • GET HAY
    • If you have the bread:
      If thou only hadst a brain, thou would remember searching it quite thoroughly already.
    • Otherwise:
      You decideth to get some hay and grabs ye a handful. What ho! Within the handful of hay lies a spot of MOLDY BREAD. You discard the hay and gently slide the modly bread into your loin-cheese cloth. Eww.
      (+5 points)
  • GET TINKLE
    • If you are holding your nose and don't have the key:
      Grody. You reacheth into someone else's filth and pilfer out a small KEY. Drat. You were hoping it was a spare gilderupee.
      (+5 points)
    • If you are not holding your nose and don't have the key:
      No way. It stinketh so bad. Perhaps if you couldn't smell of it...
    • If you have the key:
      Thou already has the contents of the pot. Let's not make matters worse.
  • KICK CHAMBER POT/THROW CHAMBER POT
    It's not a pinata, [name]. Tis full of human waste, not sweet delights.
  • LOOK CHAMBER POT/POT
    Looks like an old mustard pot. Or MAYBE mustard pots look like old chamber pots! Zounds! You stoppeth this line of thought as thou art a big mustard eater.
  • LOOK DOOR
    Barred shut. Looks like thou will have to open it to get out, at the very least.
  • LOOK HAY
    Boooring!
  • LOOK WINDOW
    You make up what's out there. We already told thou it's barred. Giveth us a break, huh?
  • OPEN/UNLOCK DOOR
    Turns out it isn't locked. It's all coming back to thee - thou art a custodial knight! You are in the hallway of the dungeon. Exits are north, south, and the cell from whence ye came is roughly westish.
    (Go to Hallway.)

[edit] Hallway

You are in the hallway of the dungeon. Exits are north, south, and the cell from whence ye came is roughly westish.
  • GO N/NORTH
    The hallway north leads deeper underground. The walls are narrower, standing water is at thy feet, and other such unpleasant cliches abound. There is a slimy doorway that heads north. There is a sizeable rat by the doorway, and it seems to be wearing a nametag.
    (Go to Entrance.)
  • GO ROUGHLY WESTISH
    That's the ticket. Except thou art again in a cell. The door slammeth behind thee.
    (Go to Cell.)
  • GO S/SOUTH
    • If the player has already been to the office:
      Ripberger. He's in there. Thou'd sooner cope with cholera again than go back.
      (NOTE: Due to a glitch, this will be immediately followed by another comment, generally the standard "Go" or nonsense line.)
    • Otherwise:
      The hallway south leads into the Custodial Magistrate's office. He is not in. There are many paintings of the Magistrate shaking hands with famous people. King Arthur, King Graham, David Bowie. On his desk lies a wooden placard with the name "Ripberger" carved into it. In the desk is a really conspicuous DRAWER. Ye can only go NORTH.
      (Go to Office.)
  • GO W/WEST
    Well, it's not exactly west. More roughly westish.

[edit] Office

There are many paintings of the Magistrate shaking hands with famous people. King Arthur, King Graham, David Bowie. On his desk lies a wooden placard with the name "Ripberger" carved into it. In the desk is a really conspicuous DRAWER. Ye can only go NORTH.
  • After five actions are taken, this is put before the text:
    (Thou hearest footsteps outside the hall. Bigguns.)
  • After seven actions are taken
    Oh OH! Ripberger strides in like he owns the place. "Snooping around my office again, eh [name]? THOU ART FIRED!" he bellows. Now thou'll never be able to afford that wicked scepter thy had thine eyes on at the smithee.And the fair Maiden Ogletree will never allow a Thy Dungeonman like you to court her. Thou loseth. Thank thee for playing.
    (You die.)
  • CLOSE DRAWER
    • If it is open:
      Good thinking, [name]. Ripberger will be none the wiser.
    • Otherwise:
      Didn't I mention it was already closed? My b.
  • GET/TAKE DRAWER
    Don't be silly. It's part of the desk. What if I typed TAKE FOOT on thou. How would you like that?
  • GET/TAKE FOOT
    Thy literalist humor does not warrant a response.
  • GET/TAKE MAP
    • If the drawer is open:
      Gingerly you snatch the parchment, roll it up, and stuff it in your apparently very roomy loin-cheese cloth.
      (+5 points)
    • Otherwise:
      Thy stubs thy tender fingers on the closed drawer. Hey, waiteth a minute. Hast thou played this before?
  • GET/TAKE PLACARD
    Dude! Ripberger would KILL you!
  • LOOK AT DAVID BOWIE
    There's something about that man... The picture was taken during the Tin Machine era. Thou art more of a Ziggy Stardust fan.
    (+2 points for the first time only)
  • LOOK DRAWER
    It looketh like it wants to be opened.
  • LOOK PAINTINGS
    Man, that guy Ripberger really has it madeth.
  • OPEN DRAWER
    • If it is open:
      How open dost thou want the darn thing!?
    • Otherwise:
      Locked! Isn't that always the way? Thou hateth adventure games.
  • UNLOCK DRAWER
    • If you have the key:
      With the filthy key ye unlock the drawer and open it. There's totally a MAP in there.
    • Otherwise:
      Come again? Jeez, if only thee hadn't amputated that key-shaped sixth finger thou were born with.
  • GO N/NORTH
    • If you have the map:
You slip back into the hallway and run right into Magistrate Ripberger! "What art thou doing, [name]?" he asks suspiciously.
  • TALK TO MAGISTRATE/RIPBERGER
    "Gumble-duh. Dumble?" you barely stammer.
    ...
    ...
    ...
    "Very well," says Ripberger. "Carry on." With that he walks into his office and locks the door behind him. PHEW! Twas a close one.
    (+5 points, go to Hallway.)
  • Anything else
    Not now! This ist serious!!
  • Otherwise:
    Interesting choice.
    There are many paintings of the Magistrate shaking hands with famous people. King Arthur, King Graham, David Bowie. On his desk lies a wooden placard with the name "Ripberger" carved into it. In the desk is a really conspicuous DRAWER. Ye can only go NORTH.
    (Despite what the text implies, go to the Hallway.)

[edit] Entrance

Let's recap: Yucchy place plus rat with a nametag. Exits NORTH and SOUTH.
  • GET PLAGUE
    • If you have spoken to Percy:
      Percy reiterates that he must give the plague to all ye who pass. You, on the other hand, are just standing there. You'll have to pass him in order to get ye plague.
    • Otherwise:
      Yes, yes, brilliant. But howe?
  • GO N/NORTH
    • Before talking to Percy:
      The rat is blocking the way. Seriously. Darn if ye had not slept through the conversation part of charm school.
    • Afterwards:
      Passing through the slimy doorway Percy says, "This might kill ye a little," and sharply bites your ankle. You howl in pain like a prancey squire. Percy slams the door shut behind you and locks it tight.
      Ye have entered what appears to be a maze of sewer tunnels. Tunnels lead North, East, and West. Ye spies a mop.
      (+5 points, go to Maze.)
  • GO S/SOUTH
    Back ye go.
    You are in the hallway of the dungeon. Exits are north, south, and the cell from whence ye came is roughly westish.
    (Go to Hallway.)
  • LISTEN TO RATT
    Ye hums some late-era Ratt to thyself. 'Waycool Jr.' is not as good a tune as thou rememberest.
  • LOOK NAMETAG
    The nametag readeth: Hello, my name is Percy. I am here to help.
  • LOOK RAT
    The rat is just smaller than a chamberpot and is wearing a nametag. It looketh back at you blankly.
  • TALK PERCY/TO PERCY
    • If your nose is being held:
      Since thy nose is still held fast, thy voice sounds like a prancey squire. Percy laughs and points at you and later tells his friends about how foolish thou sounded. Within their circle of friends, it becometh an inside joke that to "pull a Thy Dungeonman" is to do something stupid or like how a prancey squire would do it.
    • Otherwise:
      Percy tells you that he is a bubonic plague rat in the service of the crown. And by order of the King he must give said plague to all ye who pass. Ye included. "Nice loin-cheese cloth," he adds...rather creepily.
  • TALK RAT/TO RAT
    It looketh back at you blankly. (the nametag, ye fool! the nametag!)

[edit] Maze

There are many rooms in the maze, but all of them have the same format, except for the room with the mop before you take it. First room, before taking the mop:

You are in the dungeon maze, but it looks like you're almost out! Exits are:
NORTH
EAST
WEST
There is a stain on the wall. Why there's a mop here just ripe for the pluckin'.

All other rooms:

You are in the dungeon maze, but it looks like you're almost out! Exits are:
{valid directions}
There is a stain on the wall.

After mopping the stain:

You are in the dungeon maze, but it looks like you're almost out! Exits are:
{valid directions}

Entering a room with a monster, before picking up the mop:

Out of the darkness comes a terror-fying [Longrel/Mongrel/Hongrel]! It snarls and gammers, hisses and grobs!
Thou art defenceless! Ye flee but are soon trampled and consumed by the terrifying foe. The loss of dignity scampering off like a weasel is second only to the loss of life in general. Game WAY over.
(You die.)

Entering a room with a monster, after picking up the mop:

Out of the darkness comes a terror-fying [Longrel/Mongrel/Hongrel]! It snarls and gammers, hisses and grobs!
You brandish thy mop. Wouldst thou strike low, high, or middlin?
  • High against a Hongrel:
    Ye swings high at the Hongrel sends it careening to its death! "It's just a little crush!" ye bellows. Actually, ye wish ye hadn't bellowed quite so loudly.
    Thy hitpoints are [hit points].
    (+2 points)
  • Middlin or middle against a Mongrel:
    Ye strikes the Mongrel squarely in its pulsing center! "A little dead never hurt nobody!" ye cries out. Ye are still working on thy one-liners.
    (+3 points)
  • Low against a Longrel
    Ye swings underhand, delivering the Longrel a crushing blow! "Mop 'til ye drop!" ye cries as thou smotes its ruin. Somehow it doesn't ring triumphantly quite the way thee expected.
    Thy hitpoints are [hit points].
    (+1 point)
  • Incorrect answer with more than 1 hit point remaining:
    The fierce beastie lands a stinging blow! Thy hitpoints are [hit points].
    Wouldst thou strike high, low, or middlin?
    (-1 hit point)
  • Incorrect answer with 1 hit point remaining:
    The firece beastie lands a stinging blow! Thy hitpoints are 0. You watch as a large "-1" floats up out of your head. Ye grabs for it desperately, but it flickers and fades out. Thy vision blurs and you fall into the sewer muck. The last thing thou sees, in large, floating, pixelated letters, are the words REVO EMAG. Thou loseth. Thank thee for playing.
    (You die.)
  • Any invalid response:
    Seriously ye: strike high, strike low, or strike middlin?
  • GET/TAKE/EAT BREAD
    You carve off a scrappadat bread. It doth tasteth like the royal stable floor and causes some Phlegming in the throat, but you feel perky for the moment. Me thinks that nasty plague has been staved off ye for the moment. High fiveth!
    (+5 points the first time, and it always resets the plague counter. Note that this ONLY works in the maze, whether you have the plague or not, and does not require you to actually have the bread in your inventory.)
  • GET MOP
    • If you have the mop:
      One mop is enough, you English pigdog.
    • Otherwise:
      Ye ol' toole of the trade. Got it. But don't even think of stowing this one in thy cloth.
      (+1 point)
  • GO E/EAST
    • When not valid:
      There is no exit that way. Perhaps thee would rather be in a room where thee COULD go east?
    • Otherwise, go to the next part of the maze.
  • GO N/NORTH
    • When not valid:
      Thou cannost go that way, ye foole. Court jester auditions were last week.
    • When in the final room:
      Sweet King Arthur! Thee hath made it out. And none too soon. Thy plague is really settling in. This looks like a kitchen. The sous-chef is tending to root vegetables. There is a door eastward that might lead to the infirmary. There is a placard on the wall.
      (+5 points, go to Kitchen.)
    • Otherwise, go to the next part of the maze.
  • GO S/SOUTH
    • When not valid:
      We've been over this before. Thou cannot go that way any more than thou can sail around the world.
    • Otherwise, go to the next part of the maze.
  • GO W/WEST
    • When not valid:
      Thee must be thinking of another dungeon maze. There is noe exite thise waye.
    • Otherwise, go to the next part of the maze.
  • MOP STAIN
    • If you have the mop and have not yet mopped the stain in the current room:
      Dutifully! Ye moppeth it up. Ye gets 2 experience points. (Exp. points cash value less than 1/100 of one gilderupee.)
    • If you have already mopped the stain in the current room:
      Alas and also perhaps alack. There is no stain here, but thy increasingly soiled mop has managed to leave one behind.
    • If you do not have the mop:
      Points for work ethic, but thou don't have a mop ... yet.

[edit] Kitchen

  • GO E/EAST
    Look, I said EASTWARD!!
  • GO EASTWARD
    Thanketh the heavens. Relief is moments away. You are in the infirmary. There is a Saw Doctor here and a Homeopathic Pathologist. Whatever, she's a Healer. And she smells like fruity dirt. Or dirty fruit. A sign readeth, "Ask thy doctor about CRAFTSMAN TOOLS"
    (Go to Infirmary.)
  • LOOK {anything}
    Thou sees little at this point but the infirmary door EASTWARD.
  • Anything else
    You should probably have thy plague looked at firstly.

[edit] Infirmary

You are in the infirmary. There is a Saw Doctor here and a Homeopathic Pathologist. Whatever, she's a Healer. And she smells like fruity dirt. Or dirty fruit. A sign readeth, "Ask thy doctor about CRAFTSMAN TOOLS"
  • ASK DOCTOR ABOUT CRAFTSMAN TOOLS
    "Nothin takes off a rotten leg like Craftsman!" he says and a little jingle plays.
    (+1 point first time)
  • LOOK SIGN
    "Ask thy doctor about CRAFTSMAN TOOLS"
    Quite frankly thou aren't sure WHY ye should ask. Is no scrap of this kingdom safe from the Advertisigarchy?
  • TALK TO HEALER
She rubs oils and powders on a statue and eats some flowers. A satyr comes in playing the sitar. She then asks about your home life. "Is love in thy heart?"
  • Any invalid response
    Yes or no! Is love in thy heart?
  • YES/NO:
And are you finding satisfaction at work?
  • Any invalid response
    Yes or no! Are you finding satisfaction at work?
  • YES/NO:
Any unwanted stress in your life?
  • Any invalid response
    Yes or no! Any unwanted stress in your life?
  • YES/NO:
And are you finding satisfaction at work???
  • Any invalid response
    Yes or no! And are you finding satisfaction at work???
  • YES/NO:
Getting enough iron?
  • Any invalid response
    Yes or no! Getting enough iron?
  • YES/NO:
Do you find yourself quaffing mead alone and often?
  • Any invalid response
    Yes or no! Do you find yourself quaffing mead alone and often?
  • YES/NO:
Aggle phibble stroo?
  • Any invalid response
    Yes or no! Aggle phibble stroo?
  • YES/NO:
    You think ye have passed out. Yep. Ye passed out. The plague set in, and now a little Thy Dungeonman angel is floating toward the ceiling. Game over. Thy loseth. Thank thee for playing.
(You die.)
  • TALK TO DOCTOR:
    The doctor turns to you and says: "I'm very busy, can you wait?"
  • Any invalid response:
    Be thee a good patient and answer yes or no.
  • YES
    Ye waits and waits and waits. Last year's minstrel hits are being piped in from somewhere. Ye grow tired and slumpeth to the floor. Oh wait, that was just thy arm. Eww! Piece by piece you fall apart from thy plague. With thy last thoughts you wonder, "Why didn't Sir Lance and the Lots just stay broken up the first time?" Thy loseth. Thank thee for playing.
    (You die.)
  • NO
    "Oh, very well," he sighs and sets you down on yon examination table. "What's wrong with thee? Plague or something?" You tell him yes and he proceeds to saw off thy plague. He mashes a ball of leeches on the wound, gives ye a sucker, and sends ye on thy merry way. Huzzah! Thou art cured of the plague. You head back into the kitchen and the infirmary door is locked behind thee.
    (+5 points, go to Kitchen Redux.)
  • [edit] Kitchen Redux

    This is the chef's prepatory room. The sous-chef is tending to root vegetables. There is a placard on the wall.
    This is the chef's prepatory room. The sous-chef, who is not a sous-chef but a DONGREL, is tending to you! Better work fast.
    • GET MOP
      • Before revealing the Dongrel:
        Thou've got the mop and art feeling pretty good about the matter.
      • After:
        The Dongrel guardeth the shards too closely! Everyone knows a Dongrel loves shards.
      • After showing the picture to the Dongrel:
        Ye grabs the piece of your mop and brandish it like only Saint Brandish himself could. The Dongrel continues sneezing and groping around for Benadryl.
    • GET PICTURE
      • If you have it:
        Thou needn't be the seventh son of Merlin to notice that thou already hast it.
      • Otherwise:
        No one was looking. It is a fine charcoal sketch, the kind you'd get at a faire by one of those surly jester types. Sweet.
        (+3 points)
    • GET PLACARD
      • If you have the picture:
        We've chatted re: this placard and w/r/t it's takability maybe thou weren't cc:'d that this sucker isn't going anywhere.
      • Otherwise:
        It is firmly bolted to the wall. If thou hast learned anything, it is not to mess with that which is firmly bolted. However, the picture of Percy could be removed if no one was looking.
    • GET VEGETABLES
      No way. They got long grody hairs in em.
    • GO E/EAST/EASTWARD
      The infirmary locked behind thee. Look, it's a plot device. Be thankful ye do not have to wander about.
    • LOOK CHEF/SOUS-CHEF
      • Before revealing the Dongrel:
        The chef sloppily mashes up root vegetables. He repeatedly spits on the food and scratches his dandruff into it. Note to thyself: Never order the root vegetables.
      • After:
        Man, that Dongrel is one bad moth ... shut yo mouth!
    • LOOK PICTURE
      • If you have it:
        Not a bad looking rat. I mean, if you like rats.
      • Otherwise:
        Percy. He's so dreamy. If only thou could have the picture for thyself.
    • LOOK PLACARD
      • If you have the picture:
        A securely placed placard with a pilfered portrait of Percy.
      • Otherwise:
        It's Percy. Or should thou say Percival? He was employee of the month this Auguft.
    • LOOK VEGETABLES
      They got long grody hairs in em.
    • KILL CHEF/DONGREL
      • If the Dongrel has not been revealed, or has been revealed but you got the mop back:
        "This might kill ye a little!" ye cries and driveth the mop handle deep into the Dongrel's craw. It champles and bowdens in pain, crungling all over the place. At last, it expires. Ye find yeself in a kitchen. A dead Dongrel lies at thy feet. Ye notice an emerald, bauble-encrusted brooch bracelet clucthed in its claws.
        (Go to Final Encounter.)
      • Otherwise:
        Ye dons't have the mop!
    • TALK TO CHEF
      • Before revealing the dongrel:
        The sous-chef spins around to reveal that he is not a sous-chef after all but a snarling, scangering DONGREL!! Worst of them all! You brandish thy mop but the Dongrel snaps it in two like a pretzel stick, one dipped in Nutella. Mmm. He rears back to attack.
      • After:
        Why, sous-chef, why?????
    • USE PICTURE
      • Without the picture:
        Thou dons't have one to show.
      • With the picture, before revealing the Dongrel:
        Good idea. Save it for later.
      • With the picture, after revealing the Dongrel:
        You hold up the sketch of Percy. The Dongrel rears back and pimpers for a moment, then sneezes! This creature is allergic to charcoal dust! It sneezes again and drops the sharp end of your mop to the ground.
    • GIVE SUCKER (after Dongrel)
      You unwrap the lollipop and shove it into the oncoming Dongrel's mouth. It sucketh for one moment. Two moments. Ye look down at the wrapper and readeth yon fine print, "Not for Dongrels and children under 2. Severe explosion of head may occur.""This might kill ye a little!" ye cries and diveth for cover.

      Press [ENTER]
      THY DOOOOOOOOSSHHJGHJHJHH!!

      Press [ENTER]
      Ye find yeself in a kitchen. A dead Dongrel lies at thy feet. Ye notice an emerald, bauble-encrusted brooch bracelet clutched in its claws.
      (Go to Final Encounter.)
    • Fifth command after talking to the dongrel:
      Too late! The Dongrel has you in its horrible hingus! You screameth in agony as sharp teeth grundle and dob your abdomen into finest powder past. Never look a gift Dongrel in the mouth.Thy loseth. Thank thee for playing.
      (You die.)

    [edit] Final Encounter

    "Steal my joke, wouldst thou?!!" It's Percy! And he's hoppin' mad. "That, 'this might kill ye a little' joke is my stale bread and curdled butter!" he cries. "It's what everyone knows me for! And ye hath ruined it!!"
    Percy leapeth at you and strikes.
    Thy hitpoints are [hit points].
    Percy looks ready to strike again.
    (+10 points, -1 hit point)
    • GIVE/TAKE OFF/DROP/THROW LOINCLOTH/CHEESECLOTH/CLOTH
      Casting thy body image issues aside, you tear off the loin-cheese cloth and throw it across youn room and into a pot of boiling root vegetables. Percy cannot resist the combined smell of disgusting cheese and body odor and leaps into the scalding waters after it!! "Curse thy delicious loin-cheese cloth, Thy Dungeonman!" he cries as he fries to a golden gray.
      (Go to The End.)
    • Anything else at all:
      • If you have more than one hit point:
        Percy leapeth at you and strikes.
        Thy hitpoints are [hit points].
        Percy looks ready to strike again.
      • If you have one hit point remaining:
        Percy leapeth at you and strikes.
        Thy hitpoints are 0. We are totally sorry but thou art pretty dead. There must have been a way to best him but really what didst thou have left?
        (You die.)

    [edit] The End

    "Thy Dungeonman!" sayeth a voice from behind.
    Why it's the King!
    "Congratualtions, Thy Dungeonman. Thy hath escaped the restrictive confines of both the royal sewers and thine own clothing I see. You clearly deserve to escort my daughter, the fair Maiden Ogletree, to the Enchantment under the Parapets dance tonight. You truly are...
    Press [ENTER]
    (+10 points)
    {ASCII art image of Thy Dungeonman} (<-that's you)
    THY DUNGEONMAN 2!! Thy score is [score] out of 100.
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