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Subtitles logo These are the English subtitles for 4 branches. watch this toon
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<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?>
<transcript xml:lang="en-us" file="sbemail161.swf" width="550" height="400">
  <line start="18" end="54" speaker="strongbad"><em>(singing)</em> Start your day the sbemail way,</line>
  <line start="55" end="94" speaker="strongbad">and never get out of beeeed!</line>
  <line start="101" end="115" speaker="strongbad" volume=".8"><em>(sounding bored)</em> Ehhh, "Hey, Strong Bad."</line>
  <line start="116" end="160" speaker="strongbad" volume=".8">"I was wondering what was the stupidest thing that Homestar ever did, said, or imagined?"</line>
  <line start="162" end="184" speaker="strongbad" volume=".8">"Uuuuuuuuur biggest fan,"</line>
  <line start="185" end="213" speaker="strongbad" volume=".8">"Spanky Elgrondo, Nueva York."</line>
  <line start="219" end="259" speaker="strongbad">Well, my good Spank, that is <em>way</em> too broad a subject</line>
  <line start="260" end="312" speaker="strongbad">and would take several days just to scratch the surface of the tip of that iceberg.</line>
  <line start="313" end="369" speaker="strongbad">Especially the imagined part. That one has its own spreadsheet even.</line>
  <line start="370" end="438" speaker="strongbad">No, we'll have to get much more specific if we're gonna cover any stupid Homestar ground in one email.</line>
  <line start="439" end="508" speaker="strongbad">So it's time you people learned all about the four branches of stupid things Homestar's done!</line>
  <line start="512" end="545" speaker="homestar">Ooh! I'm a neglected official!</line>
  <line start="550" end="590" speaker="strongbad" voiceover="voiceover">The first branch is in charge of keeping the public informed.</line>
  <line start="591" end="632" speaker="strongbad" voiceover="voiceover">It's the House of Doing Stupid Things on National Television!</line>
  <line start="639" end="681" speaker="homestar">Now, isn't that a tasty makeover, ladyfriends?</line>
  <line start="682" end="702">
    <homestar>Huh? Huh?</homestar>
    <sfx>audience ooohs</sfx>
  <line start="703" end="748" speaker="homestar">From "Drab" to "Fab" with nothing but mustaaaard!</line>
  <line start="749" end="762" speaker="sfx">audience squeals</line>
  <line start="763" end="825" speaker="homestar">Now my next guest says her man doesn't give respect when she comes correct.</line>
  <line start="826" end="860" speaker="homestar">But he thinks she's just a drama mama!</line>
  <line start="861" end="886" speaker="homestar">So let's bring 'im out!</line>
  <line start="887" end="922" speaker="sfx">audience boos</line>
  <line start="923" end="962" speaker="homestar">Yeah, whatever. You know you all want some.</line>
  <line start="968" end="975" speaker="homestar">Oof!</line>
  <line start="981" end="1060">
    <strongbad voiceover="voiceover">That's right, Homestar secretly had himself on his own "You're a bad boyfriend" talk show.</strongbad>
    <sfx>audience squeals</sfx>
  <line start="1065" end="1113" speaker="strongbad" voiceover="voiceover">The next branch tracks the stupid things Homestar does on the job.</line>
  <line start="1114" end="1157" speaker="strongbad" voiceover="voiceover">Here comes the Bureau of Doing Stupid Things at the Office!</line>
  <line start="1158" end="1208" speaker="strongbad">No, ma'am. This would be a password you gave to us.</line>
  <line start="1212" end="1253" speaker="strongbad">Yes, sir. It could be the last four digits of your dog,</line>
  <line start="1254" end="1283" speaker="strongbad">or your mother's maiden credit card number...</line>
  <line start="1284" end="1318" speaker="homestar" voiceover="voiceover">Hey, Strong Bro! Keg party at the water cooler!</line>
  <line start="1319" end="1364" speaker="strongbad">Not now! I'm talking to phone tree survivor number thirteen!</line>
  <line start="1365" end="1397" speaker="strongbad">Yes, baby. The whole password.</line>
  <line start="1398" end="1436" speaker="homestar" voiceover="voiceover">Stro Bro! Free bagels at the water cooler!</line>
  <line start="1437" end="1467" speaker="strongbad">I'm sorry, ma'am! Free bagels just happened!</line>
  <line start="1488" end="1519" speaker="strongbad">Awww, man! This isn't free bagels!</line>
  <line start="1520" end="1573" speaker="homestar">No, but it is Homestar from the water cooler!</line>
  <line start="1574" end="1586" speaker="homestar">That's pretty sweet!</line>
  <line start="1587" end="1640" speaker="strongbad">J-just explain to me what you were <em>trying</em> to do when this happened.</line>
  <line start="1641" end="1687" speaker="homestar">Well, I was in Barbados, hanging a picture on the wall...</line>
  <line start="1688" end="1715" speaker="strongbad">Okay, that tells me everything I need to know.</line>
  <line start="1716" end="1734" speaker="strongbad">How 'bout we try this?</line>
  <line start="1746" end="1766" speaker="homestar">Ow! Ow ow! Stop!</line>
  <line start="1771" end="1796" speaker="homestar">Sweet genius that hurt!</line>
  <line start="1799" end="1845" speaker="homestar">Oh, well. Just forget it. I'll just stay in here for the rest of my life.</line>
  <line start="1846" end="1874" speaker="homestar">Just stack my mail on top of me, wouldja?</line>
  <line start="1884" end="1940" speaker="homestar">Thanks, S-Bro! Man, where should we go for lunch today?</line>
  <line start="1949" end="1964" speaker="homestar">Chinese buffet?</line>
  <line start="1967" end="2035" speaker="strongbad" voiceover="voiceover">You know how in video games, if you get the super-duper high score, it eventually flips back to zero?</line>
  <line start="2039" end="2098" speaker="strongbad" voiceover="voiceover">Well, sometimes Homestar does something so stupid, he flips back to smart.</line>
  <line start="2100" end="2127" speaker="homestar">...awash with flavor!</line>
  <line start="2128" end="2173" speaker="strongsad">Uh, okay, Homestar. Then what's two plus two?</line>
  <line start="2174" end="2238" speaker="homestar">Well, the force between any two charges is equal to the absolute value of the multiple of the charges</line>
  <line start="2239" end="2300" speaker="homestar">divided by four pi times the vacuum permittivity times the distance squared between the two charges.</line>
  <line start="2301" end="2353" speaker="strongsad">No, no, no, stupid! That's Coulomb's Law!</line>
  <line start="2354" end="2376" speaker="homestar">Oh, right, sorry.</line>
  <line start="2377" end="2398" speaker="homestar">Two plus two? That's easy.</line>
  <line start="2399" end="2410" speaker="homestar">Twenty-two.</line>
  <line start="2412" end="2452" speaker="strongbad" voiceover="voiceover">And last, of course, the most powerful branch:</line>
  <line start="2454" end="2520" speaker="strongbad" voiceover="voiceover">The Boudoir of Doing Stupid Things While Inside a College Mascot Costume.</line>
  <line start="2529" end="2569" speaker="homestar">Man oh man oh man! Man!</line>
  <line start="2571" end="2662" speaker="homestar">Movin' into this mascot costume was probably the coolest and least lockin'-myself-out-of-my-house-inest decision I ever made!</line>
  <line start="2668" end="2706" speaker="homestar">This juice box is gonna roast up good and plenty!</line>
  <line start="2713" end="2732" speaker="homestar">Dark and lovely!</line>
  <line start="2736" end="2759" speaker="homestar">Bed, Bath, and Be-yond!</line>
  <line start="2760" end="2784" speaker="coachz" voiceover="voiceover">Homestar, what're you doin'?</line>
  <line start="2785" end="2840" speaker="coachz">That thing's made outta flame pro-tardant polymascotfoamalate!</line>
  <line start="2842" end="2864" speaker="homestar">Polymascotfoamalate?!</line>
  <line start="2868" end="2937" speaker="rumblered">Hmm, but Earthling, they don't have Polymascotfoamalate on <em>my</em> planet.</line>
  <line start="2938" end="2952" speaker="rumblered">Errr, rumble.</line>
  <line start="2953" end="2990" speaker="thehomestar">That's 'cuz you're a Communist fool, red! <em>(pronounced as "commonest")</em></line>
  <line start="2993" end="3023" speaker="singers" voiceover="voiceover">Polymascotfoamalate!</line>
  <line start="3024" end="3039" speaker="thehomestar">Feed it to the babies!</line>
  <line start="3040" end="3062" speaker="singers" voiceover="voiceover">Polymascotfoamalate!</line>
  <line start="3063" end="3096" speaker="oldstrongbad">Or as a topping on soured cream!</line>
  <line start="3097" end="3161" speaker="announcer" voiceover="voiceover">Polymascotfoamalate! Helping America ingenuitize the future across the globe!</line>
  <line start="3162" end="3168" speaker="sfx">record scratch</line>
  <line start="3169" end="3209" speaker="homestar">Ohhhh, right. So I should be perfectly safe!</line>
  <line start="3213" end="3225" speaker="homestar"><em>(singing)</em> Polymascotfo-</line>
  <line start="3226" end="3238" speaker="sfx">explosion</line>
  <line start="3253" end="3264" speaker="sfx">glass breaking</line>
  <line start="3272" end="3354" speaker="strongbad">So there you have it! Now it's up to you to make your own informed decisions about the stupidest things Homestar's done.</line>
  <line start="3357" end="3369" speaker="strongbad">Get involved!</line>
  <line start="3373" end="3400" speaker="strongbad">Write a letter to your local Homestarman.</line>
  <line start="3401" end="3436" speaker="strongbad">Or throw a trash can through a plate glass window.</line>
  <line start="3442" end="3493" speaker="homestar"><em>(singing)</em> And that's how I become a laaaaw!</line>
  <line start="3494" end="3538" speaker="homestar">Ptoo! Ptoo! Ptooooo!</line>
  <line start="3541" end="3552" speaker="thepaper">preeeow!</line>
  <line start="3575" end="3598" speaker="homestar">Ptoo! Ptooo!</line>
  <line start="3613" end="3640" speaker="rumblered">Oh, but Limozeen-in-space-lings,</line>
  <line start="3641" end="3697" speaker="rumblered">they don't have hot blonde groupies with high bangs on <em>my</em> planet.</line>
  <line start="3698" end="3723" speaker="rumblered">Er, grumble.</line>
  <line start="3724" end="3768" speaker="larry">That's 'cuz you don't have polyhairsprayteasealate!</line>
  <line start="3770" end="3795" speaker="mary">And you're a communist fool!</line>
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