SBCG4AP Playthrough

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Matt is in the foreground.

Matt Chapman plays the Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People episode Homestar Ruiner, performing the voices live.

Cast (in order of appearance): Strong Bad, Matt Chapman, Strong Sad, Homestar Runner, Coach Z, Matt Chapman as Marzipan, Bubs, The King of Town, Matt Chapman as Pom Pom, The Cheat, Marshie, Coach Z as Narrator Strong Bad and Cheerleader, Homestar Runner as So and So and What's Her Face and The Ugly One, Basketballa, Drive-Thru Whale, Strong Mad, Crack Stuntman as Strong Bad, Reynold as Strong Bad, Silent Rip as Strong Bad, Fightgar as Strong Bad, Homsar as Strong Bad, Stinkoman as Strong Bad, Senor Cardgage as Strong Bad, Hot Dip as The King of Town, Old-Timey Strong Bad as Strong Bad, The Homestar Runner as Homestar Runner, Announcer, Matt Chapman as Harry Caray as Strong Bad, Dooble as Strong Bad, Trauncles Narrator, Crackotage, D n' D Greg, Strong Badman, Marshie as Marzipan, Character 3

Date: Sunday, August 12, 2018

Running time: 1:48:11



{The video opens. The title screen for Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People is displayed. Strong Bad walks into the frame and looks up at the title text.}

STRONG BAD: {mumbling} Oh, I am Strong Bad, looking at the title.

{Strong Bad walks off. Several seconds later, he pops up in the foreground.}

STRONG BAD: I am in the foreground.

{Strong Bad descends. Several seconds later, he walks back in and dances in the center of the screen.}

STRONG BAD: I am in the list!

{Strong Bad walks off. He then drops in from the top of the screen.}

STRONG BAD: Whoa, I fell down from the sky!

{Strong Bad walks off. He then runs past quickly in the far background.}

STRONG BAD: {muttering quickly} I am running across the background really fast!

{Strong Bad walks in front of the foreground. He stops to talk, but doesn't say anything, then turns around to walk away in the background. Strong Bad then pops up upside-down on the top of the screen.}

STRONG BAD: I am upside down! Do I look upside down to you?

{Strong Bad leaves the screen. The mouse cursor hovers over the "Click here to Start" button, but doesn't click on it. Strong Bad walks past once again.}

STRONG BAD: This looks like the name of this game. {turns to face the viewer} From what I can tell.

{Strong Bad walks off.}

{The "click here to start" button is clicked. The main menu page of Homestar Ruiner appears.}

MATT: Oh man, you guys. Hi, my name's Matt. I never done this kind of thing before. Let's all... let the wheels come off together... as this train wreck leaves the station. Uh... I'm gonna play some Homestar Ruiner here 'cause that's probably the one I remember the least, and will probably be the most entertaining. Uh, Kickstarter Live does not have the ability to screen-share like Twitch or something else similar. So I just pointed a crappy webcam at a crappy old PC, and we're gonna do this thing. Um, I will probably mostly stay in character but occasionally pop out to give my voice a break and if I remember something funny about the game, while we were making it, maybe I'll say that. Um... I will warn you in advance that uh, I'm not gonna be able to do the Teen Girl Squad sections of the game, because that would end our evening real quick. Um, so I apologize, uh, in advance for that. Um, what else? I'll stop talking soon, Stetson Cooper, so you don't need to listen to my normal voice. That's weird. Okay, cool, people are showing up. This is awesome. Um, I apologize again for the quality of the video, but if the, uh— let me know about the audio so I can turn down voices and things. Oh, and I know for a fact that there's no music whatsoever, uh, so here, in fact, let's change—

{The settings screen is toggled. The option for voices is set at the minimum setting.}

MATT: — I'll just sing along the opening song. I'll just turn it down a little bit. 'Cause I know that if you turn it all the way down, there's no music or sound. And I don't think I'd be able to do it completely a cappella. Uh, though it would probably be, uh, lovely to watch me fail. Uh, okay, let's go back.

{The new game screen is activated.}

MATT: And we'll just do a new game. I'm just gonna do this. We're just gonna get into it. I gotta lotta hot tea over here. And some honey. And some snacks. And just gonna go until my head hits the desk or until you all leave. No, that's probably not true. I'll probably go before either of those two things happen. And if anything bad happens, um, uh...

{The "Technical Difficulties" card from pizzaz is held in front of the screen, showing a confused The Cheat in front of an unplugged outlet.}

MATT: The Cheat will help me out here. {the card is removed} I dunno. Shut up, this is awkward and weird to not have anyone to talk to except for chats. Which is great, but there's a lot of them. Hi, everybody. Here we go. We're gonna start a new game.

{The mouse hovers over the green "Yep!" button.}

MATT: Yes.

{The screen goes dark, showing the reflection of Matt in the monitor.}

MATT: Look, there I am. Don't look! Don't look. Don't look. {leans out of view and points at the webcam} Look, there's the crappy webcam! It's on top of a game.

{The opening scene of Homestar Ruiner fades in. Strong Bad is sleeping on the couch with a bag of Potate chips on his boxing glove. The action is subtitled throughout.}

STRONG BAD: {mumbling} Wha? Oh, Rhino... RhinoFeeder. {wakes up} Whoa, I was just dreaming about... muffins. There it is.

{Strong Bad jumps off the couch and wanders through the House of Strong.}

STRONG BAD: {not singing} I wake up every morning feeling awesome. Even though I slept on the remote again last night. Ow!

{Strong Bad kicks The Cheat into the dryer and climbs the stairs.}

STRONG BAD: Time to tear up another day, the Strong Bad freakin' way! Like an imploding star, like a burning car, my style shines so bright!

{Strong Bad leaps to give Strong Mad a high five.}

STRONG BAD: {singing} Please, stop trying, to handle my style. Because you can't, no you can't, oongh, handle my style.

{Strong Bad climbs upstairs and throws the Potate bag at Strong Sad.}

STRONG BAD: Please, seriously, stop trying to handle my style. {stops singing} Unless you're a lady. Then you're cordially invited to have a giant slice {flourishing at the end} of my styyyyyyle!

{Strong Bad checks his email. No voiceover as Strong Bad brings it up.}

STRONG BAD: Okay, wait. Wait! I gotta skip this. I'm gonna skip it so I can turn off the voice.

{The email is skipped through.}

STRONG BAD: Oop, oop, skip! Skip! Skip! Skip!

{Strong Bad leaves the computer.}

STRONG BAD: Skip! Skip! {The Track pops up on the map button} Here we go. Skip!

{The settings screen is toggled. The voice setting is turned down to nothing.}

STRONG BAD: Voices: off!

{Back to the game. Strong Bad examines his stool.}

STRONG BAD: Ah, my trusty steed. Stooly, I'd ride you into email battle any day.

{The mouse hovers over the calendar, but it takes a while before it is clicked.}

STRONG BAD: {mumbling} Uh oh, there we go. Lock up. {talking} Today's the day I finally give Homestar his long overdue pummeling.

{The mouse hovers over the rave switch.}

STRONG BAD: {mumbling} Let's do a little this.

{The rave switch is clicked.}

STRONG BAD: Check this out!

{The light switch rave proceeds.}

STRONG BAD: The system is down. The system is down. Ah, I sometimes get tired of that. What about this one?

{The normal light switch is clicked. The lights turn off and on.}

STRONG BAD: Boooring! {the subtitles say "Intriguing"} I said "boring". I'm gonna just rewrite some of this on the fly.

{The light switch is clicked again.}

STRONG BAD: Not so intriguing.

{Strong Bad walks across the hallway.}

STRONG BAD: Let's see, what's over here.

{Strong Bad knocks on the door to Strong Sad's room.}

STRONG BAD: Hey Strong Sad! You in there?


STRONG BAD: C'mon, lemme in! I just want to punch you a few hundred times.

STRONG SAD: Not interested.

{Strong Bad goes downstairs.}

STRONG BAD: Oh, this is that music from my... sultry poems. I'm Dr. Marvin Rubdown. Your sage is like a scented candle. From the... section of Pier One. {he walks past the kitchen} I forget how that one goes. Let's check out the SeeDee Spinner.

{Strong Bad examines the SeeDee Spinner.}

STRONG BAD: Let's just see what's in the old SeeDee Spinner. {switches it on} Ugh, it's Strong Sad's copy of "The Best of Brit-Pout, the Nineties Years".

{The mouse hovers over the Cheat Commandos...O's cereal box.}

STRONG BAD: I wanna see this Cheat Commandos over here. And Suge Brown.

{Strong Bad examines the microwave.}

STRONG BAD: I can't use the WavyMic, its door's stuck shut with nacho entrails and mangled action figures.

{The Map is clicked.}

STRONG BAD: All right, let's go.

{The map screen is brought up with Strong Bad's house in the center of an empty field.}

STRONG BAD: Let's see now... where should I put the track on my map? Oh yeah, this was a weird thing. Where we didn't want... to have to decide in terms of canon where everything is, Free Country, USA. So, I just gotta make it up. Each game.

{A spot in the lower left corner is selected, and Strong Bad scribbles the symbol for the Track in place.}

STRONG BAD: Let's go to The Track! I don't remember what we're supposed to be doing, in this game, because I skipped the intro!

{The Track is clicked. Strong Bad walks in from a path in the Field. Pan over to show Homestar Runner warming up. Homestar is clicked.}

STRONG BAD: All right, Homestar. I'm not sure why this never occurred to me before, but some French guy said that I should beat you up, and I for one tend to think he's right! Put up your dukes!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh hello, Strong Bad. Are you here to watch the race?

{A balloon with a "race" symbol appears above Strong Bad's head.}

STRONG BAD: Checkered flags. I'm here to watch checkered flags.

{The option is clicked.}

STRONG BAD: A race? You mean like a race-race, race race race?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: You haven't heard about the Free Country USA Triannual Race to the End of the Race? It's only the coolest and most important sporting event in the history of sporting events I'm about to compete in, ever! Whoo!

STRONG BAD: A race, eh? Y'know, beating you in a race would almost be as fun as beating you senseless!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: I'd like to see you try, Strong Bad. I've been training my twees off for weeks now, and besides, Marzipan has promised me a big victory party after I win.

{The checkered flags and a bottle of champagne with a popped cork appear above Strong Bad. The mouse hovers over the "party" option, but is not clicked yet.}

MATT: Yeah, Jackson Schafer, this game, this game was made in, not in the early 2000's but the late 2000's. So we're just— we're just recreating the vibe of the live playthrough of 2008, the year the game came out. Ten years ago, yesterday, I found out.

{The "party" option is clicked.}

STRONG BAD: Did someone say pwaughty?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh hecks yeah. Marzipan's putting together a huge party with floats and cake jugglers and balloonmanimals and...

STRONG BAD: And why was I, Lord High Awesomeparty, occasionally known as Strong Bad, not invited?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Whisperingly, I don't think Marzipan likes you very much.

{The dialogue options return. The "cancel" button is clicked.}

STRONG BAD: All this race talk has intrigued me... I believe I will postpone your pummeling... a-for now.


{Homestar's cell phone rings.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Hang on— hold on. I gotta take this.

{He answers it.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Yes, Marzipan? Yes? Yes. Yes. Yes? Nooo! Yes. Yes! I miss you too, puddin' sack. See you after the race. Buh-eye.

{He hangs up.}

STRONG BAD: Girlfriend troubles?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Not me, bro. Marzipan just wanted my opinion on the decorations... and the cake jugglers... and the plight of the lowland toad weasel... and the... grrr!

{Homestar kicks his phone away.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: I'm getting frustrated! I'm kicking my phone! {angrily} Pardon me. I'm off to the locker room to reacquire my game face.

{Homestar walks off.}

{A symbol for Marzipan's house pops up on the map button.}

STRONG BAD: {mumbling} Oh, where we gonna go? {Strong Bad starts running down the track} Go over here, talk to a different character. Let's get some variety in these voices. First I'll get the cell phone.

{Strong Bad picks up Homestar's cell phone.}

STRONG BAD: Homestar's cell phone is finally mine! Now I can... change all his... {uncertainly} speed dials? Mwah-hah-haah?

{Strong Bad proceeds down the track toward Coach Z.}

STRONG BAD: Oh man, does the music needs to be turned down, everyone. What's the— how we doin' on the voice versus music versus sound effects hearabilities? Music is fine, it's good, it's good. It's all good. Audio hearabilities is good. Is the video doing a weird jumpy inny-outy thing for you guys, or is that just my weird computer? {a tap is heard} Just me. Sweet! Alright, let's talk to Coach Z.

{Coach Z is clicked.}

STRONG BAD: Coach Z! What the good woid?

COACH Z: No time for jibbers or jabbers right now, Strong Bad! I've got to make sure this race goes off without a hitch!

{The checkered flag and the Strong Bad dialogue options appear.}

STRONG BAD: {mumbling} Indy 500?

{The "race" option is clicked.}

STRONG BAD: Tell me more about this "race" of which you speak.

COACH Z: Haven't you heard? It's time for the Free country USA Triannual Race to the End of the Race!

STRONG BAD: Habbalah what now?

COACH Z: You know, the FCUTRER. {pronounced "fuh-COO-trer"} Every three years, the greatest airthletes in the world gather to pit their pits against the most grueling obstaircle course devised by man or beast, all in the hopes of winning the coveted Free Country USA Triannual Race to the End of the Race Silver Trophy of Ultimate Destiny!

STRONG BAD: You mean the FCUTRERSTUD? {pronounced "fuh-COO-treh-stud"}


{The two dialogue options pop up again. Matt's hand waves in front of the camera.}

STRONG BAD: Ooh! Let's talk about me, ooh, uh, there's a hand.

{The "Strong Bad" option is clicked.}

STRONG BAD: After talking to my bad buddy Homestar, I, Strong Bad, have decided to compete and dominate in the Free Country USA I'm-not-gonna-say-this-anymore. Where's the starting line?

COACH Z: Well now, that's going to be a bit of a praeblem, Strong Bad. The deadline for entering the race was over a month ago.


COACH Z: In fact, there's only two official entrants in this year's race: Homestar, and Paem Paem.

STRONG BAD: Not exactly a clash of the titans there, Coach.

COACH Z: Yeah, maybe we should have put up some flyers or something.

{The dialogue options pop back up again. The cancel button is clicked.}

STRONG BAD: Oh man, the Heavy Lourde! What killed Homsar once! And then never again.

{The Heavy Lourde is clicked. Strong Bad examines it.}

STRONG BAD: Hey Coach Z! What's this heavy lourde for?

COACH Z: That's the second leg of the Race to the End of the Race! The Pogo-Stick-While-Carrying-A-Heavy-Lourde leg!

STRONG BAD: Ah yes, of course. How silly of me. {mumbling} Hard to keep up, sometimes. {Strong Bad runs toward the Locker Room} Go check out Homestar. What am I supposed to be doing right now?

{Strong Bad stops in front of the locker room door.}

MATT: Look you guys, this is not— this is not Strong Bad live streaming this. It's just some beardo that you don't care about. So I apologize if there's any magic spoiled by seeing my hands or my reflections.

{Strong Bad enters the locker room. Inside, an icon indicating an email pops up.}

STRONG BAD: Ooh, a new email.

{Strong Bad opens the map.}

STRONG BAD: I got half a mind to go over to Marzipan's and give her a piece of the rest of my mind about not inviting me to her sucko party! {exaggerated} But where should I put her house on my map?

{A space on the bottom of the map is selected, and Strong Bad scribbles Marzipan's house in that spot. The mouse hovers between "close" and Marzipan's house.}

STRONG BAD: Should I be's going there? {whispering} You guys. Does anybody have... GameFAQs open? Because I don't remember what I'm supposed to do! And no, stop saying this map is canon! It is not canon! There is no canon! {a tap is heard}

{Marzipan's house is clicked. Strong Bad arrives in Marzipan's front yard.}

STRONG BAD: Uh... {mumbling as the mouse hovers over the balloons, singing} Would you like to ride in my beautiful balloons?

{The balloons are clicked. As Strong Bad reaches to get them, Marzipan rushes in to stop him.}

MARZIPAN: {with Matt doing the voice} Don't touch the balloons! Do you know how hard it is to find eco-friendly mylar?

STRONG BAD: There's my best Marzipan. Melissa is busy.

{The loose dirt is clicked. Strong Bad walks over to examine it.}

STRONG BAD: Hey, where'd your stupid ficus go? I was gonna pee on it!

MARZIPAN: {Matt's voice} I've temporarily transplanted Crezenda— Credenza indoors so that he won't get trampled or peed on by clumsy party-goers.

{Strong Bad runs to the side of the house. The hedge is hovered over.}


{The hedge is clicked.}

STRONG BAD: I don't know much about shrubbery, but I know an unclipped, red-headed step-hedge when I see one.

{Strong Bad proceeds to the backyard.}

STRONG BAD: There she is... oh, man.

MARZIPAN: {Matt's voice} That looks good.

{Marzipan is clicked.}


{Marzipan gives her attention. Four dialogue options pop up: "party", "Marzipan", "Homestar", and "hedge".}

STRONG BAD: {as the different options are hovered over} Party, party, party. Party!

{The "party" option is clicked.}

STRONG BAD: I heard an ugly rumor that there's going to be a party here, and I'm not invited.

MARZIPAN: {Matt's voice} Oh, that's not a rumor.


MARZIPAN: {Matt's voice} It's a cold hard fact.

STRONG BAD: Buh-wha-whyyyy?

MARZIPAN: {Matt's voice} Do you remember what happened the last I invited you a party?

{The flashback plays.}

STRONG BAD: Smash cut to... Behold! I am Lord Barglebroth, come for your souls! All will kneel before my style!

MARZIPAN: {Matt's voice} Look out!

{Strong Bad jumps off the roof in slow motion, which cuts off before he lands face-first in the cake.}

STRONG BAD: No, not really.

MARZIPAN: {Matt's voice} That figures.

{The four dialogue options pop up again. The "hedge" option is clicked.}

STRONG BAD: That shrub out front looks like it's made out of the ugly sticks that someone beat it with.

MARZIPAN: {Matt's voice} Isn't it just the saddest thing you've ever seen? I'd trim it, but my hedge shears are in the shop.

STRONG BAD: The hedge shears-fixing shop?

MARZIPAN: {Matt's voice} Well, Bubs' Concession Stand, but he likes to call it a shop.

{The dialogue options reappear.}

STRONG BAD: Man, we gotta go to Bubs'.

{The "Homestar" option is clicked.}

STRONG BAD: I can't believe you're throwing such a big party for such a small brain.

MARZIPAN: {Matt's voice} Who? Oh yeah, Homestar. Well, I was just planning to throw a big party celebrating my award-winning organic vegetable garden, but no one seemed to want to come to that, so I added Homestar into the mix, and now everyone's coming!


MARZIPAN: {Matt's voice} Almost everyone.

STRONG BAD: Thank you.

{The dialogue options reappear.}

STRONG BAD: Remember that song? There was a bird? A really cute bird? A really, really, really, really, really cute bird? Oh man, you guys need to stop saying that all of this stuff is canon. This is like, alternate reality. We're outside the timeline looking in, here, okay, guys? Check out... over to... the far left. That is like exactly the graphics of one of the tiki torches from "The Luau" cartoon. And equally as few frames of animation as it had back in like 2002. I see— do I get a new place to go?

{The "cancel" option is clicked.}

STRONG BAD: Hey, look at the invisible time. Bye now.

MARZIPAN: {Matt's voice} Bye Strong Bad.

{The Bubs' Concession Stand symbol pops up on the map button.}


{The map is brought up.}

STRONG BAD: Okay, let's see... Oh man... my map is looking a bit undernourished. I need to throw Bubs' Concession Stand up... here somewheres...

{The top left corner is selected, and Strong Bad scribbles it in there.}

STRONG BAD: Probably have dispensed with it after the first couple, know what I'm sayin'? Just click, add it. Do I really have to say something every single time? All right, let's go see Bubs, everybody. Oh man, oh, Cannonmouth. That's the only cannon you guys should be worried about. {singing} Here he comes... Cannonmouth...

{The Bubs Concession Stand is clicked. Strong Bad arrives.}

STRONG BAD: {singing} Here he comes... Cannonmouth.

BUBS: Hey hey hey! Step right up and trade your money for some stuff!

{Strong Bad walks over to Bubs.}


BUBS: Strong Bad! Shouldn't you be out beating the snot out of Homestar or something?

STRONG BAD: How do you know about that?

BUBS: I'm your Inster— I'm your Internet provider, man. I read all your email!

{Dialogue options for Bubs and the hedge shears pop up. It is cancelled.}

STRONG BAD: Wait, wait... Gotta run, bye!

BUBS: Come back soon. We're always awesome!

{Bubs is clicked again.}

STRONG BAD: Talk again. Bubs!

BUBS: Strong Bad!

{The dialogue options return. The hedge shears are selected.}

STRONG BAD: Marzipan sent me to pick her up her— {laughing} to pick her up her hedge-er shears-er.

BUBS: She did? Well that's just awesome! I've got 'em all fixed up and ready to go!

{Bubs gives the hedge shears to Strong Bad.}

STRONG BAD: Whoa, these are pretty sweet!

BUBS: You said it! I've totally rebuilt them with my patented Gyroscopic Ocho-Track Blade Action and passenger side airbag! Guaranteed to shave a shrub smoother than a baby bwathom!

STRONG BAD: These are way too cool for Marzipan. I think I'll give 'em a test drive or ten before I give 'em back to her.

{Only the Bubs dialogue option pops up. It is clicked.}

STRONG BAD: How's the fast-paced world of concession stand, um, standing?

BUBS: Business is biz-nasty!

{The "angel" and "devil" dialogue options appear. The mouse hovers between them.}

STRONG BAD: Oh man. You guys have to decide! It's Choose Your Own Adventure time! Good or bad? Evil? Evil or nice? {mumbing} Good, bad, evil, evil, good, good, bad, good, good, {unintelligible} Wait, devil one, devil one, evil, evil— I'm seeing overwhelming amount of evil. Be good, be good, nope, evil evil evil evil evil. Evil.

{The "devil" option is clicked.}

STRONG BAD: Good grief, Bubs. You really let yourself go.

BUBS: Hey, man. I've got a glandular problem!

STRONG BAD: More like a gravy boat problem.

{The "Bubs" dialogue option reappears. It is cancelled. No voiceover on Strong Bad's line.}

BUBS: Stay gold, Strong Bad.

STRONG BAD: Sorry, I was looking at the chats.

{The Map is brought up.}

STRONG BAD: All right, now I don't know if I have a reason to go {Marzipan's house is clicked} use these hedge trimmers.

{Strong Bad returns to Marzipan's house.}

STRONG BAD: But I'm gonna do it anyway 'cause I don't know what else to do. Does anyone know what I'm supposed to be doing right now in this game?

{Strong Bad runs toward the hedge.}

MARZIPAN: {Matt's voice} Okay, here we go. {singing, as the hedge shears are taken from the inventory} There was a bird. A really cute bird. A really really really really really cute bird.

{The hedge shears are used on the hedge.}

STRONG BAD: Shears and hedges go together like slo-mo and explosions...

{The hedge is trimmed to resemble a naked running Homestar Runner with a leaf covering the crotch.}

STRONG BAD: Hey, I didn't mean to do that!

MARZIPAN: {Matt's voice} That's a very nice rendering, Strong Bad. Hey, are those my shears?

STRONG BAD: These? Oh no, yours are still in the shop. These are... Strong Sad's. But he's off his meds right now, so I took them from him. {Strong Bad puts the shears away} Just to be safe.

MARZIPAN: {Matt's voice} Well that was very thoughtful of you, Strong Bad.

STRONG BAD: Yeah, well, you know me... Mister Thow-ught-ful... Yeah, that's pretty dark. {The hedge trimmings are clicked. Strong Bad does not recite the line.} I-I-I apologize if there's some jokes in 2018 we wouldn't... make anymore. That we made in 2008. Like I said, I have not played this game. Since 2008.

{Strong Bad runs into the backyard.}

STRONG BAD: I don't even know if I have motivation to do this. {The hedge shears are taken from the inventory and used on the float.} This is like the only thing I remember from this game.

MARZIPAN: {Matt's voice} What do you think you're doing?

STRONG BAD: Um, giving your Homestar float a much-needed shave? And a haircut? Two bits?

MARZIPAN: {Matt's voice} Keep those things away from my art!

STRONG BAD: Oh man! {Strong Bad goes to the onion patch} I get an Onion Bubs over here? Hey chat, can I get an Onion Bubs please?

{Strong Bad does not recite his subtitled line. A tap is heard. He takes an onion.}

STRONG BAD: I missed my dialogue. What did he say again? The rest of these onions need a few more weeks to blossom into their full stinky potential. Is that one go? Did I get an onion?

{The inventory is checked. The onions are in there with everything else.}

STRONG BAD: I did! Now what am I supposed to do with these things? {singing with the background music} Doo doo doo doo... doo doo deet toooo...

{Strong Bad examines the Homestar float.}

STRONG BAD: Whoa, that is one seriously ginormous version of Homestar.

MARZIPAN: {Matt's voice} Do you like it? The paper is made from 100% vegetable products from my prize-winning organic garden.

STRONG BAD: I always suspected Homestar was a big vegetable. {a tap is heard} Um... {whispering} Still don't know what I'm supposed to do in this game, you guys. At some point I ruin Homestar's life. And then I have to help him. I'm gonna go back to the track. Give it to Homestar. Give him the onion? All right, I'm going. I'm doing it.

{The map is brought up. Strong Bad goes back to the Track. The Track moves a tile over as it is clicked.}

STRONG BAD: Doin' it.

{Strong Bad sings along with the opening fanfare as he arrives.}

STRONG BAD: I'm not going to get sick of that or nothing. No way.

{Strong Bad wanders up and down toward the locker room door.}

STRONG BAD: Come on. Where's these doors?

{Strong Bad enters the locker room. Homestar is psyching up.}

STRONG BAD: Yeah, adventure game logic. I'm with you, man. All right, let's see.

{Strong Bad sings along with the background music to himself as he takes the onions out of the inventory and gives them to Homestar.}

STRONG BAD: Hey, Homestar. You wanna know how to really win the race?




STRONG BAD: No, really. An old, um, gypsy track coach that the secret to running was using all natural oh— onion deodorant! Simply... rub it all over your bad self and feel the fastiness flow through ya!

{Homestar is rubbing the onions all over himself.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Ooh, those onions glide on smooth and clear. Wow, thanks Strong Bad! I feel like I could take on the woo-old!

STRONG BAD: Yeah! {clears throat} Especially if the world is {fakes a cough} is downwind! Phew! Okay, I made him stink. Did I— did I know that I needed to do that? I don't know if I knew that I needed to do that. So he needs to stink and then— oh wait, now I need to tell him to go take a shower. Right?

{The showers are clicked. Strong Bad examines them.}

STRONG BAD: Some point I need to steal his clothes. {quickly trying to catch up} Those are Coach Z's gym showers, a.k.a. Home of a Thousand and One Humiliations.

{Homestar is clicked. Dialogue options for "race", "shower" and "party" appear. "Shower" is clicked.}

STRONG BAD: Man, you stink. And not in the metaphorical "you suck" kinda way, but in the literal "odors that could peel the paint off a... tank" kinda way.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Seriously, Strong Bad. I find that very unlikely... {sniffs himself} Great Grandma's Diapers! Oh wait, great grandma's diapers after a sniff sniff probably. I better hit the showers again!

{Homestar removes his clothes. Strong Bad shields his eyes.}

STRONG BAD: Aah! Give me a chance to shield my eyes! Whew. If it weren't for my The Cheat-like ref— {Strong Bad rolls a bunch of Rs} I would've had some nethers burned into my nethers! On my eyeballs. A jibblie-jibblie. {laughing} It's hard to keep up, you guys. Losin' it already. I need more tea. {Strong Bad runs toward the lockers} All right. Where these clothes at?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {singing} Soapy scrubbin shower fun, tum tummy tum tummy tum tum tum.

{Strong Bad checks the center locker. Homestar's clothes are inside.}

STRONG BAD: That's creepy. That's like... how Batman always has like, floaty clothes in a glass case... somehow. I want that floaty tech. For all of my outfits.

{Strong Bad takes Homestar's clothes.}

STRONG BAD: Let this be a lesson, kids. Always shower with your clothes on. Or someone (meaning me) will steal them.

{Strong Bad closes the empty locker. He checks Pom Pom's locker.}

STRONG BAD: Let's see: full-length mirror, stunner shades, three-thousand dollar velvet training bag... yup, this must be Pom Pom's locker. All right. All right! All right?

{Strong Bad closes the locker. He leaves.}

STRONG BAD: Uh, let's see here...

{Homestar sings in the background.}

STRONG BAD: I have no idea if that's the tune.

{Strong Bad leaves out the track door.}

STRONG BAD: Ugh. About to turn the music off, guys. Come on. {Strong Bad runs down the track} Find me some Coach Z. Let's go.

{Cut to the locker room door, opening slowly. Homestar Runner peeks out from behind it.}


HOMESTAR RUNNER: Peering... Strong Bad? Buddy? Oh boy...

{Homestar walks out naked. Coach Z cringes.}

COACH Z: Whoa, mama!

{The King of Town hides.}


{Pom Pom peeks from behind a bush.}

POM POM: {in Matt's voice} Bubble.

{Homestar flees.}

{Strong Bad meets up with Coach Z.}

STRONG BAD: Yeah, yeah, whatever.

{Dialogue options for the race and Strong Bad pop up. The race option is clicked.}

STRONG BAD: So all a guy has to do is win a stupid race to get that really kick awesome trophy?

COACH Z: Not even close. In order to prove themselves worthy of the... etcetra, etcetra, you gotta beat... you gotta, to beat {laughing} the best of the times of all the previous styles.

STRONG BAD: Well that sucks. What's the best time?

COACH Z: As it just so happens, yours truly got the best time wayyy back in 19-ninety nern. Check it out.

{The billboard shows the times.}

STRONG BAD: Whoa. Uh... 22 seconds. 22 sec... {The dialogue options are cancelled.} Okay, what am I doing next? Got Homestar... I need to do this...

{Strong Bad examines the camera.}

STRONG BAD: {reciting Coach Z's line} Hey— no, wrong voice.

COACH Z: Hey, don't mess with that camera! It's something else! That I couldn't have time to read!

{Strong Bad runs past the pool.}

STRONG BAD: {singing} Oh, running by the pool... that's now at the track... that pool sometimes shows up in cartoons... conveniently located wherever we need it...

{Strong Bad enters the locker room. He examines the showers.}

STRONG BAD: Personally, I'm more of a bubble bath kinda guy. A few scented candles, a glass of Chateau Boulanche, a luffa glove... sorry, kinda lost myself for a second there. All right, I'm looking back at the chat. Call Marzipan on the phone. All right, here we go! Thank you.

{Strong Bad takes the cell phone out from the inventory. Options for Marzipan, Pom Pom, Strong Bad, The Cheat and Bubs appear. Marzipan is chosen.}

STRONG BAD: Let's see... speed dial number one!

{The phone dials.}

MARZIPAN: {Matt's voice} Homestar?

STRONG BAD: {as Homestar} Hewwo, Marzipan.

MARZIPAN: {Matt's voice} Are you all right? You sound funny.

STRONG BAD: {as Homestar} I wook funny! I'm just, um, out of bweaf from all the twaining. For the wace. That I've been doing.

MARZIPAN: {Matt's voice} Okay. So, when're you gonna— when are you going to run this race, anyway? I need to know when to take the crud wrinkles— curd wrinkles out of the oven!

STRONG BAD: More like crud wrinkles. Aw, I blew that one. I blew the timing. {as Homestar} Nothing, Lambface. I was just saying that the wace is about to start wight now!

MARZIPAN: {Matt's voice} Oh dear! I better hurry on over!

STRONG BAD: {as Homestar} Hooway!

MARZIPAN: {Matt's voice} I'll see you soon! Don't start without me!

STRONG BAD: {as Homestar} Buh-bye! I'm Homestar!

{Strong Bad hangs up. The call options all pop up again.}

STRONG BAD: Sweet! Let's call The Cheat.

{The Cheat is selected.}

STRONG BAD: The Cheat has a phone... who knew?

THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises}

STRONG BAD: {not as Homestar} Hey The Cheat. This is totally Homestar. Oh wait. {as Homestar} Can you come to my house and gnaw my face off? And steal my boom box and leave... it at the dwop point? Bye! {ends the call} Sometimes I like to get creative with my mission assignments for The Cheat.

{The call options pop up again, minus The Cheat.}

STRONG BAD: Uh, what about Pom Pom? I don't have... I need to get a straw to blow bubbles. In milk.

{Pom Pom is clicked.}

STRONG BAD: Pom-pa-pa-Pom pa-pa-pa-Pom-Pom!

POM POM: {Matt's voice} Dubble-de-bubble!

STRONG BAD: {as Homestar} Hewwo there, bawoon man. This is Homestar Wunner! Pwease don't beat me too badwy in the Wace to the End of the Wace... today, okay?

{The call options reappear, minus Pom Pom. The dialogue is cancelled. Strong Bad puts away the phone.}

STRONG BAD: Movin' on. Movin' on.

{A check mark pops up on the map icon.}

STRONG BAD: Where we going next? Uh, I did it! I got, I got check!

{The map is brought up.}

STRONG BAD: What did I get a check for? Check?

{Strong Bad flips to the Collectibles list.}

STRONG BAD: Something.

{He then flips to the Awesomeness scorecard.}

STRONG BAD: Something.

{He flips back to the map.}

STRONG BAD: Something. I dunno. Go to Marzipan's house! I like this, all-capsiness. That's— I can see it from across the table.

{Strong Bad returns to Marzipan's house. A tap is heard. Strong Bad moves to examine the balloons.}

STRONG BAD: Oh, 'cause I got her to leave! Okay, now I'm starting to remember some sense.

{Strong Bad takes Marzipan's balloons.}

STRONG BAD: {singing} Takin' Marzipan's balloons, and I don't know why... {Strong Bad hovers as he holds the balloons} Whoa! These are pretty powerful balloons! {He puts the balloons away} Feel like I'm walkin' on the moon with these things!

{Back to the front yard.}

STRONG BAD: We make a joke about not knowing why we do that.

{Strong Bad runs to the backyard}

STRONG BAD: {whispering} I don't know that I know why I've done anything in the game so far, you guys, but I'm really enjoying myself. You guys having a good time? Destroy the statue, can't wait for the next episode. Hey, that Six-Sadded Die's comin' up! I just watched the cut of it, with special guest Lucky Yates, TV's-es Archer's-es Creeger's-es Lucky Yates-es.

{Strong Bad opens the inventory.}

STRONG BAD: Here we go. {The shears are taken to the float} Here we go. That's right. That's right. {mumbling softly} I take the hedge shears, and I'll just gently place them on the neck, of the Homestar papier mâché statue. That's right, far out.

{Strong Bad is about to cut down the head of the float. It takes him a few seconds to catch up with the subtitle.}

STRONG BAD: {quickly} Why hello, Mr. Enormous Noggin Homestar. What can I do for you today? {as Homestar} Nothing too fancy, Mr. Old Timey Barber Strong Bad! Just a little bit off the top. {as himself, readying the hedge shears} Anything you say, sir...

{Strong Bad cleanly shears off Homestar's head, which knocks down a tiki torch. The statue goes up in smoke.}

STRONG BAD: Whoa, that went even better than expected. Uh-oh, here comes trouble.

MARZIPAN: {Matt's voice} That darn Homestar! As if I didn't have enough to do without pointlessly running back and forth to the... What the?

{Marzipan turns to find Homestar's giant head peeking from behind her bushes.}

MARZIPAN: {Matt's voice} Homestar! Did you do this!?

{The head of the Homestar float moves sheepishly.}

MARZIPAN: {Matt's voice} Nothing to say? Well fine, you party-wrecking dummy! I hope you lose your— lose your precious Race to the End of the Race! {Marzipan storms off} Humph!

STRONG BAD: Man, I'd hate to be you right now, Homestar. Or would I, questy-hint?

{Strong Bad takes the head. The Rank Up jingle plays.}

STRONG BAD: Uh... 'kay, so I got Homestar's clothes, I got Homestar's head...

{The map is opened.}

STRONG BAD: Back to the Track. Back to the Track! Right?

{The Track is clicked. Strong Bad sings along with the fanfare as he enters.}

STRONG BAD: We now return. {Strong Bad puts on the Homestar suit} Here we go. {as Homestar} Oh, hewwo! I'm Homestar Wunner! Toons! Games! Emaaail! {as himself} Shut up, Homestar! Whoa, I even had myself convinced. This is gonna be hilarious!

{Strong Bad begins to run down the track in the Homestar suit.}

STRONG BAD: Here we go. To Coach Z I guess? Looks pretty great, wearing that thing around, though. I do like it. I do like it.

{Strong Bad talks to Coach Z.}

STRONG BAD: Quiet, you. {as Homestar} Hewwo, Coach. It is I, Homestar, and I'm weady to wace!

COACH Z: Homestar! Your head is huge! You're not on any of those illegal performance enhancers I hear about on the ter-ter-ber, are you? Rub? Are you on the Rub? Is it the Rub?!

STRONG BAD: Me, Homestar, cheat? It is to laugh! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

COACH Z: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh, I needed that. Well, now that you're finally ready to go, let's begin the...

THE KING OF TOWN: Free Country USA Triannual Race to the End of the Race!

{Coach Z is at the starting line with Strong Bad and Pom Pom.}

COACH Z: Okay, as you're no doubt aware, the, oohwa-etcetra is a race against time! {the camera pans down the obstacle course} Not only doooo... you have to put up the fastest time against each other, but you also gotta beat the previous best time, as estairblished by yours truly, {return to the starting line} in 1999 over there. All righty then, let's get started. Pom Pom, you're up first.

{Pom Pom gets ready.}

THE KING OF TOWN: On your marks, get set and-a-GO!

{Pom Pom shoots away.}


COACH Z: Whoa, 5.3 seconds. {Pom Pom returns to the start.} Not only did that beat my time, I'd say that's going to be pert-near impossible to beat. Ready, Homestar?

STRONG BAD: {as Homestar} Hey wait, don't I get any instwuctions or anything?

COACH Z: Whaddya need instructions for? You've been training for weeks.

STRONG BAD: {as Homestar} Oh yeah, that's wight. I've been... twaining.

{Strong Bad begins the race.}

THE KING OF TOWN: On your marks, get set, and-a-go!

{Strong Bad starts on the rolling log in the pool.}

STRONG BAD: Whoa, man. I'm gonna be so bad at this with a mouse! Whaddo I do? Whaddo I do? I don't know what to do!

{The mouse clicks on the space ahead of Strong Bad, allowing him to balance as he walks forward on the log.}

STRONG BAD: There we go, there we go. Whuuaaah! {Strong Bad starts rolling again.} Nope, come on, come on. It's hard to do. {Strong Bad moves a few more steps} This is hard to do with a Wiimote, if I remember correctly. Come on. You can do it! I'm going so fast, you guys {laughs}.

{Strong Bad begins singing along with the game's background music from action figure.}

STRONG BAD: Switch to the dispenser fist to ooze radioactive goo! I love this action figure music. Some of my best works. Come on, almost there. This... I have no idea what the mechanics are here, you guys.

{Strong Bad leaps off to the pogo stick.}

STRONG BAD: Minigames in adventure games. Boing!

{As Strong Bad grabs the Heavy Lourde, he crashes to the ground.}

STRONG BAD: Whoa! Oof! Ow!

{Strong Bad gets up, picks up the pogo stick and the Heavy Lourde, and continues.}

STRONG BAD: Oape! Come on! {Strong Bad steadily leaps his way across the track} Oh, this is thrilling! Thrilling! Thrilling! Thrilling! Jumping! Action! Heavy! Lourde! Holding! Fun! For the whole! Family! Everybody!

{Strong Bad makes it to the end and begins running.}

STRONG BAD: Here we go! Last one! {Strong Bad leaps the turtle} Whoa! Tortoise! {Strong Bad leaps the milk} And a box of milk! Box! {Strong Bad bumps into the hurdle} Oof! Oh...

{Strong Bad crosses the finish line. He returns to the start, panting.}

COACH Z: Wow, Homestar, that was one of the worst performances I've ever seen in the etcetra! You should be... downright ashaaermed!

{Pom Pom's line is not recited.}

COACH Z: Yeah, and embarrassed!

STRONG BAD: {as Homestar} I guess I was just too clumsy, lame, and not cool to win...

COACH Z: You said a mouthful, youngster! Pom Pom, step into my office. We gots to fill out a buncha paperwork before we can send the tape off to the judges.

{Coach Z and Pom Pom leave. Marzipan arrives.}

MARZIPAN: {Matt's voice} There you are, you insensitive party pooping pyromaniac! You and I are T-H-R-U through!

{Marzipan leaves. The King of Town arrives on the other side.}

THE KING OF TOWN: And don't think I've forgotten about your little naked escapade, you currently giant-headed hooligan! You'll rue the day you exposed your giblets to a government official!

{The King of Town leaves.}

STRONG BAD: {as Homestar} Booo me!

{Clock wipe. The screen turns black for a second, exposing Matt's reflection.}

MATT: {as Strong Bad, waving} Ooh! Hi again!

{Strong Bad walks through the front door past his kitchen.}

STRONG BAD: Well, I didn't get a chance to pummel Homestar with my fists or beat him in a race, but I did succeed in turning him into a—

{Strong Bad walks downstairs into the basement.}

STRONG BAD: —publicly humiliated criminal fugitive without a girlfriend. And I didn't even have to use my AK...

{Homestar is sitting on the couch.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh hey, Strong Bad.

STRONG BAD: Homestar? What the crap are doing here in my hallowed halls?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Now that I'm a publicly humiliated criminal fugitive without a girlfriend, you're the only friend I've got, so I'm gonna go ahead and crash here for a couple of weeks or years until I put my life back together.

{Strong Bad shouts angrily at the ceiling.}


{The game automatically saves.}

STRONG BAD: Auto save! Okay. So now, the pre-game is over. This is like the demo part, of uh, Zelda. I just got a sword and a shield, and now we're ready to go to, like, the first dungeon. Temple.

{Homestar is clicked. Dialogue options for "Homestar" and "TV" appear.}

STRONG BAD: What-have-you.

{The "TV" option is chosen.}

STRONG BAD: Can we watch something a little less yokel than local news?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: No way, man! I need to keep up-to-date on all the details of my scandalous downfall and nationwide manhunt!

STRONG BAD: Dude, it's a public nudity charge. I've done more scandalous things while buying a pair of brown and tan socks.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Look, there I am again! Oh, the shame!

{The dialogue options reappear. The "Homestar" option is selected.}

STRONG BAD: All right, Homestar, it's time for you to go. There's no room in the House of Strong for crybabies.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: What about Strong Sad?

{Strong Sad appears in the doorway.}

STRONG SAD: I'm not a crybaby, I'm tormented!

STRONG BAD: Okay, there's room for one crybaby in the House of Strong, and that position's been filled. Out you go!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: No way. I'm not leaving until my life is back to the wonderful way it used to be.

{The dialgoue options reappear.}

STRONG BAD: Quest points. That sounds like a checklist to me.

{The "Homestar" option is clicked again.}

STRONG BAD: Guess what, Homestar! Everything's all better again!


{The "Homestar" option is clicked again.}

STRONG BAD: Just tell me the stuff I gotta do! All right, Homestar, it's time for you to go. Uhp, nope, nope, nope.

{The repeated dialogue is skipped as Strong Bad repeatedly says "nope" and "no". Dialogue options reappear.}

STRONG BAD: Let's get out of here.

{The dialogue is cancelled.}

{The King of Town's castle symbol pops up on the map icon.}

STRONG BAD: Ope! The KOT. Let's go there!

{Strong Bad brings up the map screen.}

STRONG BAD: Much as it makes me throw up a little just to think about it, it looks like I'm going to have to go to the King of Town's castle if I ever want to get Homestar out of my house. I think I'll put it somewhere far, far away from me...

{Strong Bad selects a tile on the far right side of the map.}

STRONG BAD: Over here.

{Strong Bad scribbles in the castle, but doesn't click on it.}

STRONG BAD: Um... 'kay, I'm gonna look at the chat. I haven't looked at the chat in a while. I got caught up... in the plots.

{The castle is clicked. The screen goes black, exposing Matt's reflection. The reflection is still visible as a night sky appears, descending on the castle.}

STRONG BAD: I gotta check my email first. {whispering as Matt waves his fingers} Hi. Hi everybody. {normal voice} Oh, I gotta hide for this one. Whoa, come on, white balance. Auto-white-balance.

{Strong Bad resumes his subtitle narration as he approaches the castle.}

STRONG BAD: {quickly} The King of Town's fairly penetrable castle fortress. Somewhere, deep inside its stinking, obstructed bowels, is the criminal record that's keeping Homestar's whiny, whitey butt glued to my couch!

{Matt's reflection is still visible in the dark corner of the screen.}

STRONG BAD: Whoa. Don't look.

{Matt holds up the "Technical Difficulties" sign to cover the dark corner that exposes his reflection and waves it up and down, then puts it away. Strong Bad moves to the hedge and opens the inventory.}

STRONG BAD: Is this like, unlockables? Right, aren't there a lot— There's lots of unlockables.

{Strong Bad trims the hedge.}

STRONG BAD: Wonderfully useless unlockables. Take that, you bush-league hedge! Or hedge-league bush.

{The hedge is now trimmed to look like Trogdor.}

STRONG BAD: Oh yeah, that's much better. And check it out, free hedge trimmings!

{Strong Bad picks up the hedge trimmings.}

STRONG BAD: Ooh, a big pile of hedge trimmings. Can't ever have enough of these.

{Strong Bad examines the Trogdor topiary.}

STRONG BAD: That looks really good... a big ol' leafy arm... coming out of the back of his neck there.

{The mouse is about to go for the door, but selects the map instead.}

STRONG BAD: Oh no, let's go check my email. Let's... someone sur—sur—surgested.

{Strong Bad arrives at his house. Strong Bad sings along with the background music as he wanders the yard.}

STRONG BAD: You want this as a poster? Yeah, give me a minute.

{Strong Bad enters the house.}

STRONG BAD: I'll get on Merchify.

{Strong Bad is in the kitchen. The Brit-Pout music is still playing.}

STRONG BAD: Trog-heads meeple, comin' up shortly. Jela-Ton!

{Strong Bad examines the crate of Jela-Ton.}

STRONG BAD: Hey now, what's this?

{Strong Bad takes the note off the crate and reads it.}

STRONG BAD: Dear Homestar—

COACH Z: {immediately taking over} Even though you {laughing} thoroughly disgraced yourself at the Race to the End of the Race, rules are rules. Please enjoy this lifetime supply of Fluffy Puff Jela-Ton, the official second place prize of the FCUTRER {pronounced "fuh-COO-trer"}. Yours truly, Coach Z. P.S. Never show your giant face around my track ever again.

STRONG BAD: Hm. Homestar'll probably feel a lot better if I get rid of this unpleasant reminder of his humiliating defeat. I know I'll feel a lot better. I love Jela-Ton!

{Strong Bad takes the box. He climbs upstairs.}

STRONG BAD: Go up. Up to the top. And check out some stuff. {pause} Uh, Strong Bad Plays would be a great Twitch stream. I wanna do like a, Twitch plays Peasant's Quest with you guys. And see how long it takes us to win Peasant's Quest. {pause} What's the one canon thing I wish I'd done differently? Ever adhered to canon.

{Strong Bad enters the computer room.}

STRONG BAD: Naw, I just joke. Canon is what makes people come back! For the funny times.

{Strong Bad checks his email.}

STRONG BAD: Ooh. This is very... {Matt waves his hand in front of the camera} Hi. {Matt takes out the Technical Difficulties card to hide his reflection in the dark Lappy screen} Here we go. We should cover up my style. Let's do it.

{The email list is brought up.}

STRONG BAD: Whaddo we need? Whaddo we need? I don't remember which one! Hoh.

{Strong Bad clicks on the one with the crown labeled "Got Bulk?" The email comes up, but Strong Bad refuses to read it aloud, mumbling over it.}

STRONG BAD: Hey, this stuff sounds great!

{Strong Bad types his response.}

STRONG BAD: Dear Total Load Peoples. Thank you so much for your kind offer. Although I personally am endowed with bulging biceps that have been described as "bad boys", "pipes", "guns", and "thunder bludgeons", it never hurts to get a heroically chiseled leg up on the competition. Please send me a free sample of your wonderful product immediately. Grape flavor. Yours truly, Strong Bad.

{Strong Bad stands up and leaves the table.}

STRONG BAD: Is that what I was supposed to do? Who's looking at the GameFAQs? Rig all the biz! All right, everybody, let's head to the track, and rig that biz.

{The map screen is brought up.}

STRONG BAD: All right, so now I gotta like, make it... he's stuck at my house, right, so I gotta go to the track, rig all the stuff, run the race again, and win as him. So he'll leave my house. Yes, that's right, Total-freaking-Load, I gotta put it in Pom Pom's bag. Do I get that... in my mailbox?

{The House of Strong is clicked. Strong Bad stays exactly where he is.}

STRONG BAD: Where do I get the Total Load?

{Strong Bad examines Strong Sad's door.}

STRONG BAD: C'mon, Strong Sad. I've got your favorite food... some nasty ethnic food!

STRONG SAD: I don't believe in favoring one food over another.

{Strong Bad goes downstairs. The Brit-Pout music is still playing. Homestar is there, accompanied by a whining sting.}

STRONG BAD: What? How? Huh? You were just...


{Homestar is clicked. Dialogue options for "Homestar" and "Cooking" appear. "Cooking" is selected.}

STRONG BAD: What's with all the cooking?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: The Cheat told me that the way to a woman's heart is through her stomach, so I'm endeavoring to prepare a scrumptious... confection to win back Marzipan's love.

STRONG BAD: Sounds like a plan. How's it going?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Not so good. Marzipan's vegan and and most of the food in here contains meat, milk, milky meat, or meaty milk.

STRONG BAD: Hey, don't be dissin' my meaty milk!

{The dialogue options reappear.}

STRONG BAD: Hang on, you guys. Pouring some more tea over here. Let me throw another...

{Strong Bad begins to sing along with the Brit-Pout music.}

STRONG BAD: {singing} So macabre...

{The "Homestar" option is clicked.}

STRONG BAD: Guess what, Homestar! Everything's all better again! We know where this goes. All right.

{Homestar's reaction is skipped. Dialogue is cancelled.}

STRONG BAD: Now, let's go out and see if the stuff is there. You guys are probably all telling me already that it's not... in the mailbox. Is it in the mailbox?

{Strong Bad exits the house.}

{Strong Bad sings with the background music as he checks the mailbox.}

STRONG BAD: {singing} Checkin' my snail mail, checkin' my snail mail! Hmm, what's this?

{The black knit cap is obtained.}

STRONG BAD: I'm ready for the big heist! Those smoky red-laser beams don't stand a chance when I'm in this get up! Hmm, I think I'll put it in my fancy shmancy transdimensional photo booth wardrobe.

{The Paper prints out a notice that a costume item has been unlocked.}

STRONG BAD: Oh, that's right! {reading} You have unlocked a new costume item. Find your way to the photo booth to wear this item and take fancy pantsy pictures suitable for emailing to your friends!

{The "Okay" button is clicked.}

STRONG BAD: Forgot about that style. Uh, okay. So, no Total Load just yet. Um... oh, it's at Bubs'! You guys.

{Strong Bad enters the house.}

STRONG BAD: You guys are great. You're a great help to me.

{Strong Bad sings along with the music as he climbs to the top floor. He switches when he gets to the top. He then sits down to check his email.}

STRONG BAD: Don't brag and boast! Just put a little email on your toast!

{Strong Bad hums to himself as he opens the bulk response.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} Dear Mr. Strang L. Bad, {quickly} we're pleased to inform you that your free sample shipment of Total Load has found its way, Bubs C. Stand, may be picked up, Total Load, Total Load, Total Load Etc, Etc. Thanks again for your whatevs, sauce.

{Strong Bad closes his email.}

STRONG BAD: Quit it. {whispering} Right, let's go to Bubs.

{The map is brought up. Bubs' Concession Stand is clicked.}


{Strong Bad arrives in the field.}

STRONG BAD: If I wanted to see my tabletop mod before it's public, is that okay? I dunno. I'll get Litigation Jackson on the line later. Have you heard about the PS2 demo disc that reformatted your memory cards that are inserted if you played one of the demos? No. Is that like, one of them urban legends?

{Matt pauses to drink tea.}

STRONG BAD: Guh, let's see. {singing along with the background music} Let's go talk to Bubs.

{Bubs is clicked.}


BUBS: Strong Bad!

{Dialogue options for "Bubs", "Candy" and "Total Load" appear.}

STRONG BAD: {hovering over "Candy"} What are those? {flips between Candy and Total Load} Some kind of a... jelly, jelly thing?

{Total Load is clicked.}

STRONG BAD: Has my shipment of Total Load Total Body Fitness Energy Enhancement Powder shown up yet?

BUBS: Total Load? Nope...

STRONG BAD: What? That's so—

BUBS: Oh, wait. Here it is.

{Bubs gives the Total Load to Strong Bad.}

STRONG BAD: All right! Total Load, the Total Body Fitness Enhancement Powder used by all my favorite disgraced... athletes!

{Dialogue options for "Bubs" and "Candy" reappear. "Candy" is clicked.}

STRONG BAD: Do you have any candy? It's a long story.

BUBS: Do I have any candy? Candy makes up over 900 percent of my gross profits! I got chocolate candy, vanilla candy, tainted candy... real candy, pretend candy...

STRONG BAD: Got any free candy?

BUBS: Free? Who do you think I am, some kind of Don't-Charge-Anything-For-Candy-Mandy?

STRONG BAD: Um, yes?

BUBS: You're right! I've been giving away free candy coupons all day over at the track. I bet you can still find some there before the squirrels get 'em.

{Dialogue options reappear. They are cancelled.}

STRONG BAD: So long, Bubs.

BUBS: So long, people!

{The map is brought up. Matt whistles along with the background music. The Track is clicked.}

{Strong Bad arrives at the Track. Strong Bad sings along with the fanfare.}

STRONG BAD: Is there a one person mode? One person mode of... of the Trogdor board game? {long pause} Oh man, Viewtiful Joe! I almost kinda look like that guy. I should be Viewtiful Joe for Halloween some— some year. What did he say? Shen-shen-a-go-go, baby! And yes, you can play the Trogdor!! game by yourself, in like, solitary. You could just deal yourself a couple-a Keepers of Trogdor cards and take turns pretending you're each one. {a tap is heard} Alright, here we go.

{Strong Bad sings the fanfare again.}

STRONG BAD: Let's put this Gel-arshie all up in this pool.

{The Jela-Ton is taken from the inventory and placed in the pool.}

MARSHIE: I'm an abomination!

STRONG BAD: Hey, now there's an idea! Everyone loves Jela-Ton! I'll just open this envelope...

{Strong Bad pours in a single pouch. There is no change in the pool.}

STRONG BAD: Hmm, this might take a while. Hey, The Cheat!

{The Cheat walks up to the crate.}

THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises}

STRONG BAD: Take these 143 bags of powdered gelatin, and get to mixing!

{The Cheat pulls out a spoon and mixes the pool water.}

THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises}

STRONG BAD: When it's done, it's tons of fun, J-E-L-A-Ton!

{Gel-arshie appears.}


STRONG BAD: {screams}

{The pool is now filled with red gelatin.}

STRONG BAD: Wow, you're a mixing machine, The Cheat!

THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises}

STRONG BAD: Almost done, what do we got— what else we got here? The Heavy Lourde. What I gotta do to this Heavy Lourde?

{Strong Bad tries to lift the Heavy Lourde, but fails.}

STRONG BAD: Put the balloons on it, right? Grrr... argh... oof! That thing's heavier than one of Strong Sad's one-act plays!

STRONG SAD: I only wrote 27... of those!

{The balloons are taken from the inventory. They are given to Strong Bad.}

STRONG BAD: C'mon, get outta the way.

{Strong Bad holds a balloon and is lifted off the ground.}

STRONG BAD: No, not me! Wow, I can see your house from here!

{Strong Bad puts the balloon away.}

STRONG BAD: Looks like one— an Octo. An Octo Balloon. I'm gonna attach it to a cart, somewhere in some ruins, and see if I can get up to where the dragon portals are.

{Strong Bad moves out of the way so the balloons can be taken from the inventory and placed on the Heavy Lourde.}

STRONG BAD: Dude, there is a Marshie puppet. I don't have it here, though.

{The fanfare plays. Strong Bad scats along with it.}

STRONG BAD: There we go. All right. What the next one?

{Strong Bad sings with the background music as he moves down the track.}

STRONG BAD: I apologize, I don't have any puppets here. Nobody wants... to see puppets. Right now.

{Strong Bad continues moving.}

STRONG BAD: Where— where's the other stuff? {he meets the turtle} There we go. Turtle. Um. Oh, I gotta switch 'em up, right? Okay, gotta— This rare Archipela— Archipelagopalos Turtle is heavy!

{Strong Bad is about to switch the turtle.}

STRONG BAD: Okay, so is it— you go... where I need to do? Right? {the turtle hovers over the center space, then the front, then back to the center} I don't remember. Turtle in the middle, right?

{Strong Bad kicks the turtle to the center, displacing the milk to the front.}

STRONG BAD: Oh, that's right. That's definitely a Mike Stemmle... puzzle right there. Curdle, turtle, hurdle. Or hurdle, turtle, curdle? That's uh, that's totally that guy's style. I don't know for sure that that's a Mike Stemmle. But its ure seems like one.

{The milk is clicked. Strong Bad sings the fanfare again as he kicks it to the back, displacing the hurdle to the front.}

STRONG BAD: Pheow! Poof! Look at the physics! I've got some amazing kick-awesome physics when I kick milk and stuff!

{The hurdle is clicked.}

STRONG BAD: Uh, Strong Bad for the vibes. {quickly} This is some heavy metal. Must be made out of osmium or manganese... or Black Sabbath.

{The action is canceled.}

STRONG BAD: All right, so stop. We're done. There we go.

{Strong Bad leaves toward the locker room.}

STRONG BAD: {singing} Oh, lord yeah, {heavy metal singing} Children hiding in their... class... room? Naw, that sounds too dark. I didn't mean it like that. All right, who do I gotta talk to now? I gotta...

{Strong Bad opens the inventory and selects the Homestar suit.}

STRONG BAD: I still have this outfit? Oh wait, I gotta disgrace Pom Pom first.

{Strong Bad enters the locker room. Once inside, he opens Strong Mad's locker first.}

STRONG BAD: Oh wait. I haven't looked at any of these Q&As, oh man. But there's not a lot of it. Why does Marzipan sound like Marshie? Oh man, I'm gonna totally just start doin'... Marshie, when Marzipan talks.

{Strong Bad closes Strong Mad's locker. He then opens Pom Pom's locker and plants the Total Load.}

STRONG BAD: I'll just sprinkle some of this illegal performance enhancing energy powder in Pom Pom's exercise bag... not that his performance really needs enhancing. Sweet.

{Strong Bad closes the locker. He knocks on the door to Coach Z's office.}

COACH Z: Strong Bad! What can I do for you this fine and dandy afternoon?

{Dialogue options for "trophy", "Total Load" and "Coach Z" appear. "Total Load" is clicked.}

STRONG BAD: Oh man. So Coach, what do you have to say about all those rumors of performance enhancing powders, juices, and uh, snack cakes being snarfed up by your athletes?

COACH Z: What do I say? I say, you've got a lot of nerve waggling your talk tongue at me like that! In fact, I'll prove my guys are clean by searching through their lockers right now!

{Coach Z examines the lockers, starting with Strong Mad's.}

COACH Z: Let's see... nope, nothing in here, next... {opens Homestar's locker} whew, that's a ripe one... {opens Pom Pom's locker} hey now, what's this powder here?

{Coach Z sniffs the powder.}

COACH Z: What in Cypress Hill? Pom Pom!

{Pom Pom bounces up.}

COACH Z: Now, I except this kinda unsportsmanlike behavior from The Chort...

{Cut to The Cheat just outside, diabolically planting a cartoon bomb labeled "bomb" into a paper bag labeled "Coach Z".}

THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises}

{Back to Coach Z.}

COACH Z: But I thought you were made of sterner fluff!

POM POM: {Matt's voice} Bubble. Bubble-you-dee?

COACH Z: Don't play innocent with me! I know the sweet, seductive flavor of Total Load Total Body Enhancement Energy Powder when I... taste it!

POM POM: {Matt's voice} Bubbledy bubbledy bubbley.

COACH Z: No, no, I've seen enough. The Swedes will never expect a time from a contestant who's on the Load. Clean out your locker, Pom Pom. You're trough!

{Pom Pom cleans out his locker.}

POM POM: {Matt's voice, dejected} Bubbledy-bubble.

COACH Z: Well, looks like I'm still the Race to the... uh, champion. Too bad Homestar was such a loser. With Pom Pom disqualified, he actually might have had a chance.

STRONG BAD: {as Homestar} Yes, it is too bad... wait, what am I talking about?

{Strong Bad wanders about the locker room.}

STRONG BAD: 'Kay. It's our turn to do it, guys! Grab some coupons next— ooh, nice, thank you. For the heads-up. You guys really know how to speed-run it. Is there like a, invisible barrier I can walk through that'll like, cut my time in half?

{Strong Bad leaves the locker room.}

STRONG BAD: So I can become the... fastest... streamer on the SBCG4AP Race for the FCUTRERSTUD... to the End of the Stud? Oh, I didn't know these were coupons. I thought this was, like a rat trap over here.

{Strong Bad picks up the coupons.}

STRONG BAD: What's this? {reading} "Free Candy Coupon"? "Do you love candy?" Do I? "Want to savor the sweet taste of victory long after the Race to the End of the Race is over?"

{Strong Bad flips the coupon.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} "Then come on down to Bubs Concession Stand with the coup— coupon, and receive a free box of awesome... {flips again} ...candy. Limit one per customer. Void... {flips again} where— Void where prohibited." How many sides does that thing have? I'm saving this baby for later!

{Strong Bad takes all the coupons. He then takes the Homestar suit out of the Inventory.}

STRONG BAD: Let's do it! Let's do it! The time! Think it's time.

{Strong Bad puts on the Homstar suit.}

STRONG BAD: Shape of... a moron!

{Strong Bad examines the camera.}

STRONG BAD: Hmm... Looks like Coach Z left the official tape of the Race to the End of the, Universe, er, Race, in here. I wonder what'll happen if I mash this button?

{Strong Bad pushes the erase button. The camera begins smoking.}

STRONG BAD: That smoke looks like my cue to... hide.

{Coach Z walks up to the camera.}

COACH Z: All right then, I'll just uneventfully send that tape off to the Swedes, and... Bruce Jenner's tube socks! What the heck happened to my tape? Without a phat tape of the Race I've got no official results! Guess we'll just have to re-run the race, then!

{Coach Z walks off.}

COACH Z: Now where'd Homestar run off to?

STRONG BAD: That was easy.

{The race begins again. Coach Z, Strong Bad and the King of Town are assembled at the starting line.}

THE KING OF TOWN: {quickly} Welcome to the Free Country USA Triannual Race to the End of the Race! {fanfare} Ooh, déjà vu.

COACH Z: Okay, Homestar, since Pom Pom turned out to be on the juice, you're the only entrant. All you have to do is beat my time and the trophy's all yours!

STRONG BAD: {as Homestar} I'll try not to be so slow and low this time, I pwomise.

{Strong Bad takes his position.}

THE KING OF TOWN: On your sets... get marked, and-a-go!

{Strong Bad begins walking down the log.}

STRONG BAD: Here I go. {Strong Bad begins to slip on the side} C'mon. C'mon, man, what?

{Strong Bad makes it to the end. He leaps off the log onto the pogo stick and easily grabs the lightened Heavy Lourde, bouncing high into the air.}

STRONG BAD: Come on, go! Go! come on!

{Strong Bad finishes the leg and begins running down the track. He sings along with the music as he jumps the hurdle, the turtle, and the milk. He crosses the finish line.}

STRONG BAD: Oh, just made it! Pretty bad at this game, you guys.

{Strong Bad returns to the starting line.}

COACH Z: Hey what do you know, Homestar! You actually beat my time!

STRONG BAD: {as Homestar} I owe it all... to clean... living.

COACH Z: And with that dirty, no-good cheatin' Pom Pom disquali-mafied, that makes you the winner of... hey!

{The King of Town has fallen asleep. He suddenly awakens.}

THE KING OF TOWN: What? {quickly} Oh yes, the Free Country USA Triannual Race to the End of the Race. Get off my socks.

{Coach Z and Strong Bad leave.}

COACH Z: Let's go fill out those forms.

THE KING OF TOWN: Um, am I done now?

{Clock wipe. The trophy is being awarded. Strong Bad sings along to the music from Population: Tire.}

STRONG BAD: Hey, that's the Population: Tire.

THE KING OF TOWN: {flatly} It's my honor as the King of Town to award you the Silver Trophy for your spectacular performance in the performance of the Race. Thing.

{The King of Town gives the trophy to Strong Bad.}

STRONG BAD: {as Homestar} Today, I consider myself... the luckiest dowk... on the face of this Eawwth.

THE KING OF TOWN: Well, that's a wrap! Where my limo at?

{Everyone leaves.}

COACH Z: Hey, where's that turtle goin'?

{Strong Bad jumps off the award platform.}

STRONG BAD: That's it? Where's the marching bands? The hot babes? The endorsements? {takes trophy} Man, sports suck!

{Strong Bad automatically removes his Homestar costume.}

STRONG BAD: That's better. Being Homestar for too long at a time can cause serious brain damage. I mean, just look at Homestar!

{The Rank Up jingle plays. Strong Bad sings to the music.}

STRONG BAD: Are y'all ever gonna make Kick The Cheat plushies again? Uh, I don't know... I don't know. I just don't know. I found another one— I found one in a bag, in a closet, that's still like, sealed, mint-in-box. We'll probably... try and get people to like, battle to the death for him.

{Strong Bad begins to run off. The inventory is opened.}

STRONG BAD: Let's see, let's go... give this to Homestar, right?

{The map is brought up.}

STRONG BAD: Is that what I'm supposed do? I got candies, now. To give to Marzipan.

{The House of Strong is clicked. Strong Bad arrives at home.}

STRONG BAD: We have more voiceboxes for The Cheat. You have to do a little surgery on 'em. Super technical difficulties? What's happening?

{The whole screen gets blocked briefly by the Technical Difficulties card.}

STRONG BAD: Oh, because I was there? Was I picking my nose? Scratching my beard, probably?

{Strong Bad enters the house. Brit-Pout music continues. The trophy is taken from the inventory and given to Homestar in the kitchen. Clock wipe to Strong Bad's room.}

MATT: What? Whee!

STRONG BAD: Hmm... this will require some stratergery... Hey, look at that thing over there!

{Homestar turns around.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: A thing? Where?

{Strong Bad clocks Homestar over the head with the trophy. Homestar falls over.}

STRONG BAD: Hey, dumpwad. Wake up!

{Homestar pops back up.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Whoa? Whoa! Oh, crap. I just had a wonderful dream where I won the Race to the End of the Race!

STRONG BAD: But Homestar, it wasn't a dream, see? You really did win the Race to the End of the Whatachamacallit.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: I did? But how?

STRONG BAD: How should I know? Maybe you were sleep-running or something.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {holding the trophy} Yesss, that makes perfect sense. Well, looks like my 23-part graphic novel can wait for another day...

{Homestar leaves. Strong Bad reclaims the table.}

STRONG BAD: Finally. I was starting to think I'd never get to maim another badly-drawn Teen Girl ever again. Sorry, guys. It'll shred my throats like a... um, illegal tax document?

{Strong Bad goes downstairs.}

STRONG BAD: Is that a good metaphor? Oh, the Metal Detect-OR. That's right, let's go get it.

{Strong Bad goes back upstairs. He sings along to the Brit-Pout music.}

STRONG BAD: I'm gonna go turn that off. Can I turn that off?

{Strong Bad examines the Metal Detector.}

STRONG BAD: All right, the Taranchula Black Metal Detect-OR! I had to sell, like, 500 magazine subscriptions to get this baby. But it was totally worth it to be able to shoot radioactive positrons into the Earth's crust in search of rusty pennies.

{Strong Bad takes the Metal Detector. He examines the Videlectrix poster.}

STRONG BAD: That's my Videlectrix poster that I got for sending in ten bucks to become a member of the Videlectrix Good Graphicketeers! I want that poster. I want all these posters. Do the Teen Girl Squad but with other characters' voices that won't wreck you. Okay. Let's try it.

{Strong Bad moves to the drawing table.}

STRONG BAD: I probably should get back to kicking Homestar out of my house, but I just can't resist that perky Teen Girl Squad...

{Teen Girl Squad begins.}

MATT: Oh, I'm So and So...

COACH Z: I'm The Ugly One! And here we go!

CHEERLEADER: {Coach Z voice} Okay, gals and gal-related girls, we fit to look...

WHAT'S HER FACE: {Homestar voice} So good!

THE UGLY ONE: {Homestar voice} The same!

CHEERLEADER: {Coach Z voice} the J- Sub-JV Basketball game tonight. All the cute boypieces will be there, and maybe sloppy seconds for you.

{The selection screen appears.}

STRONG BAD: How does this work? I don't even remember. Let's see... kissyface? Drag? Oh, drag and drop. Dragging and drop. Here we go.

{The 'kissyface' icon is dropped onto So and So.}

SO AND SO: {Homestar voice} Plant one on me, Basketballa!

CHEERLEADER: {Coach Z voice} Who are you talking to?

SO AND SO: {Homestar voice} Oh, um, that's what I'd say if a boy was here.

{The 'text message' icon is dropped on Cheerleader.}

COACH Z: Ding-doodle-ling-doodle-ling!

CHEERLEADER: {Coach Z voice} It's a text message! Mby it's a boy! No. Just Mm.

{The second scene begins. Strong Bad reads the narration.}

STRONG BAD: Walking is like a fashion show for shoes! Uh, what is happening? {The 'suntan lotion' is clicked and dragged on each girl} I don't remember how this works, you guys.

THE UGLY ONE: {Homestar voice} Better put on some somescreen. Ooh! SPF negative fifty!

{The 'mirror' icon is dropped on What's Her Face.}

WHAT'S HER FACE: {Strong Bad voice} Gotta make sure my cover up isn't flaking. Nope, horrible scarring acne is safely concealed.

{A scene transition reads "Later, at the game" on a bulging bicep.}

STRONG BAD: Later, at the game...

{Third scene begins.}

BASKETBALLA: Uh oh, girltypes. Gotta look good despite my hairless legs. Nothing impresses like a chest pass!

{Basketballa passes a flaming basketball.}

STRONG BAD: He's on fiyah!

{The selection screen returns. The perfume is dragged onto So and So.}

SO AND SO: {Homestar voice} Boys love Pubescence Perfume. "Accentuate the Awkward!"

STRONG BAD: I think that was supposed to be my voice. Oh, man, I think I missed my opportunity to get flaming chest-pass'd. Uh, let's see.

{The basketball is dragged to What's Her Face.}

WHAT'S HER FACE: {Homestar voice} Hey, Basketballa. I'm... made thi— bought you this.

BASKETBALLA: Sweet! Watch my white layup drills!

{Basketballa slam-dunks What's Her Face.}

BASKETBALLA: Triple Double'd!


{The hairspray is given to Cheerleader.}

CHEERLEADER: {Coach Z voice} Cover your lungs everyone. I gotta crisp these bangs up with some Ozone Killa Hairspray.

{Cut to the "It's over!" screen.}

STRONG BAD: {laughing} It's Over! That's the worst Teen Girl Squad I've ever read! You guys.

{Back to the menu screen.}

STRONG BAD: Help, I need some help. What was I supposed to be's doing?

{The Help button is clicked, and The Paper comes down with instructions.}

STRONG BAD: Help Strong Bad create his Teen Girl Squad. Select and drag an "idea" icon from the bottom of the screen to a teen girl, watch the results. Using combinations of ideas or using ideas in different scenes can produce new outcomes. Try to get rid of all four teen girls before the end of the game for maximum points!

{The Okay button is clicked.}

STRONG BAD: Ended very poorly. Very, very poorly. All right, the music is starting— oh, you can turn it off. That's nice. That they have that option.

{Back to Strong Bad.}

STRONG BAD: Man, I can never get enough of that sassy, injury-prone Teen Girl Squad! The only thing that could possibly make their adventures even more unfortunate would be if I used those really cool Teen Girl Squad ideas I jotted down last night after a... {uncertain} fried chicken pizza bender?

{Hover over the table.}

STRONG BAD: Hey, what happened to all my really cool Teen Girl Squad ideas?

{Brit-Pout music resumes.}

STRONG BAD: Something I gotta get... I guess.

{The map is brought up.}

STRONG BAD: Uh, where else? What else do I gotta do? I gotta go give... Homestar, go downstairs.

{The map is cancelled. Strong Bad goes downstairs.}

STRONG BAD: Give Homestar... some stuff. Uh, b— I got the chocolate? Did I get the chocolates? No, you're right, I didn't get the chocolates yet.

{The map is brought up again.}

STRONG BAD: Come back chocolates. I didn't mean what I said.

{Strong Bad arrives at Bubs' Concession Stand.}

BUBS: Hey you! With the face!

{Strong Bad talks to Bubs.}


BUBS: Strong Bad!

{Dialogue options for Bubs and candies appear. The candies are clicked. Matt whistles to the background music.}

STRONG BAD: {paying with a coupon} Hook me up with some of that delicious free candy, Bubs!

BUBS: {getting a box} Awesome!

STRONG BAD: {taking the box} Mmm, ChocoOpps! What the crap are ChocoOpps?

BUBS: Chocolate-covered organic packing peanuts!

STRONG BAD: Chocolate-covered organic packing peanuts? What kind of candy is that?

BUBS: The kind of candy that I give away to people for free, dummy!

{Only the Bubs dialogue option reappears. It is cancelled.}

STRONG BAD: Gotta run, bye!

BUBS: Come back soon. We're always awesome!

{Strong Bad runs off to examine a cardboard box.}

STRONG BAD: Wait, that box! Oh man. {interrupting} No one cares!

{Strong Bad peers under the box.}

STRONG BAD: {singing} Box peering guy... Hey!

{The cover for Snake Boxer 5 is obtained.}

STRONG BAD: It's the cover to my long-lost Snake Boxer 5 manual! Yeah, I forgot about all of those games. If I can find the rest of this thing, I'll have the cheat code that unlocks Snake Boxer 5's Super-Secret Forbidden Mode!

{Strong Bad begins to wander around.}

STRONG BAD: Dooot. Walk around this area and unlock other areas— that's right, this is a big area, right? This is like, the Field. The main field.

{Strong Bad approaches the Brick Wall.}

STRONG BAD: Look, there's the Brick Wall! That is... hopefully don't get sued by the Estate of Charles Schultz. Hi, pointless wall! {mumbly} Hi, Strong Bad!

{Strong Bad continues on.}

STRONG BAD: Uh, yeah, you gotta petition Nintendo's for the Strong Bad in Super Smash Ultimate. I'm afraid that ship has probably sailed. Uh, {Strong Bad sings a tune} Uh, wait, no. How do I do... get Epona, it's uh... {sings Epona's Song}

{Strong Bad examines the hedge.}

STRONG BAD: Jeez, that hedge looks like it has been beat about the face with an ugly stick!

{Strong Bad turns to face The Stick.}

STRONG BAD: Not you, The Stick. You're beautiful, man. {whispering} Let's do this one, too. What's it gonna be shaped like? This the best sidequest ever!

{Strong Bad opens the inventory and shears the hedge.}

STRONG BAD: This hedge is the disease... and I'm the gazebo!

{The hedge is now in the shape of a Flying V guitar.}

STRONG BAD: Now that's a hedge I'd be proud to accompany to the Sadie Hawkins Dance. Squeedly-maow!

{Strong Bad continues on his merry way.}

STRONG BAD: Think I saw Blubb-O's over here. Oh wait, there's The Stick.

{The Stick pops up on the Map icon. Strong Bad examines The Stick.}

STRONG BAD: It's The Stick! {fanfare plays} Keep on stickin' it out, Sticky.

{Strong Bad continues.}

STRONG BAD: Come on, Blubb-O's Whale.

{Strong Bad approaches the Drive-Thru Whale.}

STRONG BAD: {whispering} The Drive-Thru Whale.

{The Drive-Thru Whale pops up on the map icon.}

DRIVE-THRU WHALE: {no distortion} Welcome to Blubb-O's.

STRONG BAD: I'm not gonna be able to put... horrible distortion and bad downsampling on my voice, I apologize, everyone.

DRIVE-THRU WHALE: {no distortion} For a new dynamic, please drive through!

STRONG BAD: I'm not through with the old one yet!

DRIVE-THRU WHALE: {no distortion} Would you like monkeys with that?

STRONG BAD: No. No I would not.

DRIVE-THRU WHALE: {no distortion} Special orders can be upsetting. Please smile for the Blubb-O's satellite camera!

{Strong Bad looks up in the sky. A camera clicks.}

STRONG BAD: What the?

DRIVE-THRU WHALE: {no distortion} Thank you. In the event of a firestorm, the salad bar will remain open.

STRONG BAD: Wait a minute. Are you saying that the Homestar figurines don't look good? Those things are pretty awesome, man!

{Matt pauses for tea.}

STRONG BAD: All right. Let's move on. What else we got? Somewhere there's that...

{Strong Bad continues to the fence.}

STRONG BAD: A little fence, another box... So much box!

{Strong Bad peeks under the box.}

STRONG BAD: I wonder if there's something under... YES!

{The Blue Polo Shirt is obtained.}

STRONG BAD: So that's where I left my Data Boys Polo Shirt! I beter stow that in my, um, virtual photo booth wardrobe for safekeepings!

{The Rank Up jingle plays. Strong Bad sings it as he arrives at the Snap Shak. It pops up on the map icon.}

STRONG BAD: Ope, here's the photo booth. The Snap Shak. Hmm. I wonder what's going on behind this curtain...

{Strong Bad enters the Snap Shak. He makes cosmic noises.}

STRONG BAD: Whoa, this place is waaay roomier on the inside. It's like it distorts time and space and— oh, hi, space.

{Strong Bad makes cosmic noises as it zooms out to reveal the whole room floating in space.}

STRONG BAD: Yep, we're not gonna do this. Let's go out. Catch ya on the flip slide... slide, chide, chide, The Cheat!

{Strong Bad exits.}

STRONG BAD: Uh, let's see, let's see. Oh man, you're right.

{Strong Bad re-enters.}

STRONG BAD: {quickly} Jaundiced Jerry will never marry! Jaundiced Jerry will never marry! Jaundiced Jerry will never marry! Didn't work. {quickly} Ah, the old family portrait studio. I remember coming here for something, and footwear, and by that I'm referring to Strong Mad and Strong Sad. Okay, let's do this! By exiting.

{Strong Bad leaves.}

STRONG BAD: That's enough modeling for today. I'm charming. {smooth voice} Oh, off the portboard stow!

{Strong Bad continues running toward the Gremlin.}

STRONG BAD: Oh, the Gremlin!

{The Gremlin symbol pops up on the map icon. Strong Bad examines the Gremlin.}

STRONG BAD: This is our go-to vehicle for pretend high-speed chases, pretend road trips, and oh-so-real make-out sessions!

{Strong Bad continues. He sings along to the background music as he approaches Strong Badia.}

STRONG BAD: Ooch. That one, that one. Ah, there we go.

{The Strong Badia symbol pops up on the map icon.}

STRONG BAD: Strong Badia.

{Strong Bad examines the sign.}

STRONG BAD: This is the sign that totally notifies all trespassers that they have officially entered Strong Badia: The place where the tropical breezes blow. In theory. {singing, unintelligibly} Come to the place where the tropical breezes blow...

{Strong Bad examines the Tire.}

STRONG BAD: Hail, First Citizen Tire. How fare things in the glorious Republic of Strong Badia?

{The Tire does not respond.}

STRONG BAD: Very good. Carry on, then.

{Strong Bad examines the flag.}

STRONG BAD: Ah, the Strong Badian Flag... or Old Snakes and Tires and Knives and... Brown... as the colonists used to call it.

{Strong Bad leaves Strong Badia.}

STRONG BAD: Okay. Is that it? Is that everything? Do we go somewheres else? {sings along with the background music as he returns back to Bubs} Let's see... the Metal Detect-OR!

{The inventory is opened. Strong Bad takes out the Metal Detector.}

STRONG BAD: This gonna get real annoying real quick.

{Strong Bad wanders the Field in the opposite direction he did the first time. The Metal Detector pulses, but never gets any closer to an item.}

STRONG BAD: Oh, man. {sings along with the Detector} Oh, I gotta get a shovel anyways, right? I need a shovel. Hedge clippings? I need hedge clippings? No, wait, where are the hedge clippings? Man. Man, you guys.

{Strong Bad sings a heavy metal beat.}

STRONG BAD: {singing} You will submit to the decoupaaage! {Strong Bad picks up the hedge clippings by the Stick, but does not speak his subtitled lines} The death knell! DEEAAATH KNEEELLL! Down with the decoupage!

{Strong Bad resumes singing with the bouncy background music.}

STRONG BAD: Another hedge at the Track. Oh, gotta get that hedge. These Telltales need to make... morally gray choices, quick-time events! And lots of quick-times! {sings with the background music; mumbling} Have any ideas how much the meeples add-on will cost? I don't know, I think those are like... 8 to 12 bucks? I don't know, don't quote me on that. That's like... I've looked at Meeple Source dot com, I don't know nofigures. Ah, let's get out of here, guys.

{The map is brought up.}

STRONG BAD: This part is boring. What're we doing next? What do you guys wanna hear? It's all just... me talkin'. Here we go.

{The castle is clicked}

{Strong Bad arrives at the castle. Matt waves when his reflection appears.}


{Matt waves the Technical Difficulties sign in the corner where his reflection is exposed. Strong Bad sings along with the background music.}

{Strong Bad enters the castle. He sings with the new background music.}

STRONG BAD: Let's see now... Hall of Cheese Rinds... Sausage Casings Room... Grand Chamber of Milk Sauce? Ah, here it is, the Hall of... Records!

{As he enters, Strong Bad finds The Poopsmith is shoveling poop.}

STRONG BAD: Aw, crap! It's the King of Town's personal bodyguard slash mime slash poopsmith, The Poopsmith! I'll have to be even sneakier than usual if I want to get past him... {Strong Bad recites the next line quickly, late} Lucky for me, the Poopsmith never seems to— sorry, I had to look away from the screen, and I don't know what's happening. Man, I thought this was all from another episode. Forgot this... uh, do I just answer the questions here in the chat? {whispering} What questions? There's the Q&A section.

{The Poopsmith walks by. He catches Strong Bad and holds up a !! sign.}

STRONG BAD: Oh, man. {sound effect for the sign} Doing! Aw, crunch.

{Strong Mad rushes in.}


STRONG BAD: I dunno— wait, I was just standing there! {Strong Bad tries to tiptoe out the hallway} Leave me alone! Uh, you guys. This part... hang on a second...

{A clicking sound is heard. Action proceeds, but is not narrated.}

STRONG BAD: Let me, uh... {quickly} Hey, Brother Strong Mad. Are you here to help me steal Homestar's record?

{Strong Bad is tossed out a second story window and drops down to the ground below.}


STRONG BAD: Oof! I'll take that as a "no".

{Matt pulls out the Technical Difficulties sign once again. He hums to himself as Strong Bad re-enters the castle.}

STRONG BAD: What flavor is Strong Bad's head gem? It's menth— mentholyptus— mentholated eucalyptus... flavor.

{Strong Bad is in the Hall of Records, but is not visible onscreen.}

STRONG BAD: Where am I going here? {humming with the background music}

{The Poopsmith enters and shovels poop.}

STRONG BAD: Uh... what do I do. {whispering} Get the shovel. Okay. We gotta wait for the Poopsmith to go away from here though, right? {long pause} Yes, it does amaze me, Ryan Carrol. And it was very unexpected, and it freaketh me out in the best way possible.

{The Poopsmith finishes shoveling and walks away.}

STRONG BAD: You guys are all wonderful. I can't believe there's three hundred and eighty-something of you, watching this garbage right now, even.

{Strong Bad sneaks in and takes a shovel.}

STRONG BAD: One of the Poopsmith's shovels... score! All right, now can I go? {Strong Bad sneaks into the hallway vestibule} Should I— Is there more to do right now, or should I go? {whispering} Hide behind the statue, okay. {Strong Bad tries to sneak back into the Hall of Records} So I should take care of this... can I do it now, or I gotta waits?

{Strong Bad hides behind the statue of the King of Town.}

STRONG BAD: Stealth Strong Bad comes with everything you see here! Now you see 'im, now you don't! Only from Cheap as Free Toys!

{The Poopsmith stops shoveling and changes positions.}

STRONG BAD: Then I gotta hide behind the privacy screen. Is that next? {mumbles to himself} Have to get Homestar's criminal record all the way to the right.

{Strong Bad hums as he hops from behind the statue and moves to the privacy screen. The Poopsmith turns around and catches him before he can get there.}

STRONG BAD: Oh no! Oh no! Aw, man! Oh, crunchberries.

STRONG MAD: Footstep! Footstep! Footstep! Footstep!

{Strong Bad tries to sneak away.}

STRONG BAD: Get outta here! Get outta here, man!

{Strong Bad stops in the vestibule.}

STRONG BAD: Does he still come... for me? {Strong Mad approaches} Don't it— yep. I guess so.


STRONG BAD: Now take it easy, big fella...

{Strong Bad is thrown out from the second story window.}

STRONG BAD: BAAAAH! Oof. I should probably quit doing that. What with the drain bamage and all.

{Strong Bad re-enters the castle again.}

STRONG BAD: Man... uh, toilet plunger, to get to the vents. Toilet plunger. Typing the chat and doing the voices at the same time? Naw, I am not typing any chat, am I? I don't think I'm typing any chat. I think that's somebody else. Um... hang on. I gotta... make sure my... laptop is plugged in.

{Matt gets up from his chair. Strong Bad sings absently as he does. A crash is heard.}

STRONG BAD: There we go.

{Matt returns to his chair holding up the Technical Difficulties sign to disguise his reflection in the dark space where the Hall of Records wall divider is.}

STRONG BAD: I can't get enough of all the dumb animal characters, they've inspired the power to be the great dumb animals in real life! Uh, okay. Toilet plunger, where I get that? I'm going over to this statue again.

{Strong Bad sneaks back into the Hall of Records and hides behind the King statue.}

STRONG BAD: {whispering} Go for it. Nobody listening. Okay, activate cloaking shield! Quick, quick, go over here. Come on, man.

{Strong Bad hops out and tries to sneak toward the privacy screen. The Poopsmith turns around and catches him in the act.}

STRONG BAD: Oh, come on! I'm terrible at this game, you guys. All right, come on, quick, quick, quick. {skips Strong Mad's line}

{Strong Bad hides behind the privacy screen as Strong Mad approaches.}

STRONG BAD: Can I hide... from in here? Probably not.

{Strong Mad catches him.}



{Strong Bad is tossed out again.}

STRONG BAD: Okay. Oo-oof!

{The next dialogue is skipped. Strong Bad re-enters the castle.}

STRONG BAD: {singing} This is the greatest part... This is the greatest part... This is the greatest part... The greatest part of the game, come on!

{Strong Bad enters the Hall of Records again.}

STRONG BAD: Every time you get thrown out, you have to do a different voice for everybody as punishment. Okay. Fine. I gotta nail it this time.

{Strong Bad moves toward the statue but doesn't make it before he is caught.}

STRONG BAD: Nope, {laughing} this is not gonna work. Man! Ugh.

STRONG MAD: Footstep! Footstep! Footstep!

STRONG BAD: Let's see, what— what voice, what other voices do I have?

{Strong Bad tries to sneak out, but stops in the vestibule.}

STRONG BAD: Why don't they just make it get over with? Can I— can I just skip it?

{Strong Bad gets thrown out again, this time with goofy sound effects.}

STRONG BAD: Um... my voice is Crack.

CRACK STUNTMAN: Whoa! Hurm, I should really try to find someplace to hide when the Poopsmith stops, um, smithing poop. That's fantastic!

{Strong Bad enters the castle again.}

REYNOLD: Oh, I'll just head inside the King of Town's castle if I may. All right. Here we go.

{Strong Bad begins sneaking in again. He hides behind the King's statue.}

REYNOLD: It's Reynold's time to shine. Activate cloaking shield!

{Strong Bad prematurely hops out.}


{Strong Bad hides again as the Poopsmith walks past.}

SILENT RIP: Activate cloaking shield!

{Strong Bad hops out to hide behind the privacy screen.}

FIGHTGAR: You should activate the cloaking shield!

STRONG BAD: I can't do Blue Laser. Same— same problem... as, uh, Teen Girl Squad. {whispering} C'mon, go!

{Strong Bad sneaks out from behind the privacy screen to move into the next room.}

STRONG BAD: How do I get in there? Go, go go!

{Strong Bad accidentally moves to the shovel rack. He is redirected to the topiary.}

STRONG BAD: No, to this, man! It's Arbor Day, Strongly Brown! Does the Poopsmith come through here? {hums with the background music}

{The Poopsmith walks in.}

STRONG BAD: Oh, he does. Stinkerman?

{The cursor hovers over the plunger. Strong Bad waits to strike.}

STRONG BAD: C'mon, get out of here, Poopsmith.

{The Poopsmith finishes shoveling and walks out of the room.}

STRONG BAD: The stream is crashing on your desktop? Is anybody else having problems? With the stream?

{Strong Bad sneaks out to get the plunger.}

STRONG BAD: {whispering} Get this plunger. Come on. Plungin' it out, here. By the power of, er, Brownskull!

{Strong Bad takes the plunger. He sneaks into the final room.}

STRONG BAD: Uh... can I go through here? No, I gotta go do that— {sees Strong Mad} oh, that's right, get outta there, man!

{Strong Bad quickly turns around, where the Poopsmith is walking.}

STRONG BAD: NOOO!! Aw, no-ho-ho!

{The Poopsmith catches Strong Bad.}

STRONG BAD: Oh, at least I got the plunger. Oh, what voice now?

{Strong Bad is thrown out again.}

STRONG BAD: D— I can't do Chairscoot!

HOMSAR: AaAaAaAah! I don't think my incredible hiding powers will work on Strong Maaad!

{Strong Bad enters the castle again.}

HOMSAR: Let's use this piston to try and circumvent the maximum!

{The inventory is opened. The plunger is used on the wall drain.}

STRONG BAD: Is this right? Get plunged, drainy!

{Strong Bad throws the plunger into the drain, sticking it to the wall. He is caught by the Poopsmith immediately afterwards.}

STRONG BAD: Nooo! {laughs} Oh, come on! You guys, I'm having some problems. What next? What next? Oh wait, can I just do this? When I'm waiting? Come on, do it out!

{Strong Bad moves toward the plunger and leaps on top of it.}



STRONG BAD: I still get caught?

{Strong Bad is thrown out again.}

STINKOMAN: AAAH! Oof! I should probably quit doing that. What with the all drain bramage and all. {laughs} Bramage!

{Strong Bad enters the castle again.}

STRONG BAD: The Joshow Show voice? Is— you're mixing your... {Strong Bad climbs back onto the plunger} ...mainstreams with your... indie streams.

SENOR CARDGAGE: Powerful suction action, Porteniphus. I should parsibly get inside this vench.

{Strong Bad opens the overhead vent and climbs inside. He sneaks around and hums the background music.}

THE KING OF TOWN: Where's my royal custard? I can't take a bath without my royal custard!

{Strong Bad continues sneaking.}

MARSHIE: What about Marshie? I could do Marshie!

{Strong Bad is now above the criminal record.}

STRONG BAD: {whispering} Uh... how I get this thing?

{The inventory is opened. Nothing useful is found.}

STRONG BAD: All I got is... You guys remember? I could probably do Hot Dip 'cause it's just kinda of— a Larry from Limozeen. You did Poopsmith to spot me first? Augh, dang it! That makes sense. That makes sense.

{Strong Bad walks back through the vent.}

HOT DIP: Non-nom-nom-nom, belch! Oh dear, Hayden, I've eaten some custard! {singing} There's a little Hot Dip... {Strong Bad lands back on the plunger, and the Poopsmith catches him immediately} ...inside of everyone.

STRONG BAD: Oh, crunch.


{Strong Bad leaps back up into the vent.}

STRONG BAD: Now I go up here. Looks like I'm gonna have to jump!

{The Poopsmith and Strong Mad walk to the plunger area. They are confused.}


{The Poopsmith holds up a ? sign.}


{The Poopsmith holds up a ??? sign.}

{Strong Bad looks down from the vent, above.}

STRONG BAD: It's a good thing Strong Mad doesn't have a neck, or he might be able to look up.

{Strong Bad sneaks through the vent again.}

STRONG BAD: {whispering} Hurry! Do it! {hums the background music}

THE KING OF TOWN: I think I'm going to call Thursday Nougatday, which will be filled with rich, creamy nougat...

STRONG BAD: Aha! Now for some for real uninterrupted cat burglar action!

{Strong Bad drops down into the record room.}

STRONG BAD: Some for-real. Uninterrupted. I swear gloves, this is the last time you'll have to touch evidence of nekkid Homestar.

{Strong Bad takes the criminal record. Strong Mad rushes in.}

STRONG BAD: Hi there, sailor.

{Strong Bad is thrown out again.}

STRONG BAD: Geronimoooo! Ta-da! Well, I didn't end up with the bags of cash or the bags of cash-shaped diamonds that I usually score when I cat-burgle, but at leeeast I finally got my gloves on Homestar's stupid criminal record. Now maybe I can get him off my couch and away from my... television!

{The map is brought up.}

STRONG BAD: Okay, that was a part, you guys. {The House of Strong is clicked, and pops over a tile} That was a part that we played.

{Strong Bad arrives at home. He hums to the music.}

OLD-TIMEY STRONG BAD: Yes! We'll start playing {Strong Bad enters the house, where Brit-Pout music plays} as my ancient friend from long ago! That right, Homestrar!

{Homestar is clicked. Dialogue options for Homestar and cooking appear. They are canceled.}

OLD-TIMEY STRONG BAD: Let's give him the business!

{The inventory is opened. The criminal record is given to Homestar. Clock wipe to the basement.}

OLD-TIMEY STRONG BAD: Hey, take a look at this!


OLD-TIMEY STRONG BAD: It's the one and only copy of your criminal record, stolen at length by awesome Strong Bad from out under the King of Town's stainèd nose!

THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: I don't believe it! Awesome Strong Bad could never pull off a caper like that.

OLD-TIMEY STRONG BAD: If you don't believe me, then believe the all-knowing wisdom of local television news!

NEWS REPORTER: ...Cats wearing clown costumes really do make a difference. Thanks for that important story, Mindi. In other news, shi— citizens were shocked today when the King of Town's Hall of Records was brazenly burglarized by an unknown masked assailant.

THE KING OF TOWN: He took everything! Everything! Cleaned the place out!

NEWS REPORTER: Without the criminal records, the King admits that he has no institutional memory of any crimes being committed.

{Homestar stands up from the couch.}

THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: Yay! I'm free to show my face in public again! And maybe the rest of me, too!

{Homestar walks out.}

STRONG BAD: You nasty.

OLD-TIMEY STRONG BAD: Finally, the TV belongs to its one true master again!

{Long pause. Matt laughs.}

STRONG BAD: Okay. Harry Caray.

FUNNY VOICE: I'm gonna take a look at this couch. {laughs} Let's see what it says. Keep on keepin' my butt print warm for me, couch.

{Strong Bad leaves the basement.}

FUNNY VOICE: And then I'll wash it down with a tall, cool Budweiser.

{Strong Bad examines the washing machine.}

STRONG BAD: Only Strong Sad seems to know the secrets of these mysterious mechanical devices.

{Strong Bad turns to The Cheat.}

STRONG BAD: Hey, look at that thing over there!

THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises}

{The Cheat turns around. Strong Bad kicks him into the dryer.}

{The map is brought up, then canceled.}

STRONG BAD: All right, where else? Back to the kitchen, right? {Strong Bad climbs upstairs} Can I give him the stuff? Which is the Two More Eggs guy?

DOOBLE: You mean the guy that sometime, he talk like this? I'm having a look at this plaque! Maybe we get sued!

{Strong Bad examines the wood-burning plaque.}

DOOBLE: The loneliest goat sees the last sunset last... that's a horse.

{Strong Bad examines the SeeDee Spinner.}

TRAUNCLES NARRATOR: Oh, look! It's the SeeDee Spinner.

{Strong Bad switches the tape to Coach Z's demo.}

STRONG BAD: Sounds like Coach Z has forced another one of his demos onto the world. I wanna turn this thing off.

{Strong Bad switches the tape.}

STRONG BAD: I've had just about enough of that. Let's see what else is in there.

{Chamber music plays.}

STRONG BAD: Oh joy, it's that copy of "Jane's Austentacious Chamber Music Jam". I'd like to use this CD as a chamber pot.


STRONG BAD: I want it off, off, off.

{Strong Bad switches the tape to Latin Rhythms.}

STRONG BAD: Augh, come on! The Cheat's assorted Latin Rhythms? Enough with the music already.

{Strong Bad switches the SeeDee Spinner off.}

STRONG BAD: There we go. Ooh, whoo-oo. {hums the Brit-Pout music} I already did Crack Stuntman! Uh, let's see, trim up the hedge at the Track! Oh, I need to do that before I give him these candies?

{The map is brought up.}

STRONG BAD: Uh, it's time to email you. Crackotage. Which one— which one is Crackotage?

CRACKOTAGE: Is he the guy that makes the rhymes kind of all of the different times? Hoo-hoo-hweh-hweh!

{The Track is clicked. Strong Bad arrives at the Track and wanders around. Matt hums the fanfare and whistles a couple of times.}

STRONG BAD: Where's this hedge at? {laughing} The Secret Collect voice? That dog that says "dudeical"?

{Strong Bad finally finds the hedge.}

STRONG BAD: There we go. Ooh, come on! Let's do it, do it now.

{The inventory is opened. The hedge shears are used. Strong Bad does not recite his subtitled line.}

STRONG BAD: Mitch. Mitch Overlord. More a-clippins.

{The hedge trophy is awarded.}

STRONG BAD: We always need clippins. Whoa, what the crap was that?

{Strong Bad collects the hedge trimmings.}

STRONG BAD: Ooh, a big pile of hedge trimmings. Can't ever have enough of these. Oh yeah, do I have to go... do some... uh, what do you call it? Like, dig those holes at Marzipan's? And then put these on top?

{The map is opened and Marzipan's house is clicked.}

STRONG BAD: D n' D Greg.

D N' D GREG: I'll just head over to Marzipan's and create a trap for a... level 13 kobold.

{The inventory is opened. Strong Bad uses the shovel to dig a hole in Marzipan's front yard.}

STRONG BAD: That guy, that's not me.

{Strong Bad begins digging.}

STRONG BAD: Hmm. Seems like a perfect place for a montage.

{The digging montage begins.}

STRONG BAD: {singing "Showdown"} Guts. Guts and might. Liftin'... weights and feelin' all right. It's a showdown. Going downtown, you're gonna mess around. Showdown. Put your nose down. Showdown!

{The hole is finished. Strong Bad hums as he places hedge clippings on the hole.}

STRONG BAD: {singing} Hedge clippins on a hole! Who puts the clippings on the hole? It's Strong Bad, it's Strong Bad! Presto! A trap fit for a king! At least, I hope he fits.

{Strong Bad moves to the loose soil by Marzipan's front door.}

STRONG BAD: Do I know why I want to trap the King of Town at this point, you guys?

{The shovel is used on the loose soil. Strong Bad digs another hole.}

STRONG BAD: I can't do Powered by The Cheat Homestar. That's Mike.

{Strong Bad does not recite his subtitled lines.}

STRONG BAD: Strong Badman? Just like... "Stiny! Get me a danish!"

{The screen goes dark for a second, then returns with a completed hole.}

STRONG BAD: Hooph. Whew, I'm exhausted. {Strong Bad adds clippings to the new hole; singing} Let's do some more... {laughs; stops singing} Switchin' out those cardboard tubes pretty quickly. That's right, it's hard. {sings the Track fanfare as he runs to the backyard} Is there one more somewhere or is that it? And now I gotta put the chocolates? There we go. One more.

{The inventory is opened to shovel the final hole.}

STRONG BAD: {singing} Ooh, I wish I knew why I was doing what I'm doing. {a tap is heard} I can't do— I need some flange to do the Strong Bad Zone voice. It's just me going BACK OFF BABY.

{The screen goes dark. When it returns, there is a finished hole.}

STRONG BAD: This is true. Try all i-tems, with other i-tems. {hums as he places clippings on the last hole} Who... clippings... on hole... Bad. Voila! That it? {hums some more} You guys were at Gen Con, my cousin went! I'm-a try to go next year. Put the chocolates on Marzipan's door. Let's do it.

{Strong Bad runs back to the front yard.}

STRONG BAD: Let's do it. {soothing} That's right. And push the door here to Marzipan's house. And just... {opens inventory} put the chocolates right on the door. That's right. Far out.

{The chocolates are placed on the doorstep. Strong Bad rings the bell.}

STRONG BAD: {soothing} Set them right there. Welcoming back. I'm a little bit like... a yoga man. That's right.

{The King of Town walks by.}

THE KING OF TOWN: Ah, chocolate! One of my several hundred culinary weaknesses!

{The King falls down the hole.}


{Marzipan opens her door.}

MARZIPAN: {Marshie voice} Oh look, a box of Bubs' fair trade chocolates!

{Marzipan dials her cell as Strong Bad looks on.}

MARZIPAN: {Marshie voice} Homestar, it's Marzipan. I want you to know that while I'm still a little bit sore that you burned down most of my backyard, I've accepted your chocolate apology and am prepared to be your girlfriend again.

{Marzipan goes back inside.}

STRONG BAD: Man, that must be some potent funky cold ma-chocolate! {laughing} I'm glad that some of you liked that one. It's pretty good. Ah, so wait, so what'd I do? So, they're back together? I go back to the house? Take the phone back to Strong Bad.

{The map is opened.}

STRONG BAD: You like that Yonder Website? Character 1? {soothing} Uh, Character 1?

{Marzipan's house is clicked. Strong Bad stays where he is.}

STRONG BAD: {soothing} Let's just head on back— nope, we're already there.

{The map is opened again.}

STRONG BAD: {soothing} We'll take a different— different approach.

{The House of Strong is clicked. Strong Bad arrives there.}

STRONG BAD: {soothing} Grab your life by the horn sport, {a tap is heard} and... shimmy down to your comfort level, with your own self, that's right. We'll go on in here... on the inside of the house. Far out.

{Strong Bad enters the house. The music from love poems is playing.}

STRONG BAD: {soothing} That's right, Character 2 here, definitely lost his gumption. {The inventory is opened. The next line is unintelligible.}

COACH Z: Baseboardbaseboardbaseboardbaseboard!

{Strong Bad gives the cell phone to Homestar.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Not interested.

STRONG BAD: Hey, Homestar! Look who found your cell phone.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: What would I want with a phone? It's not like anyone'll ever call me again.

{Strong Bad dials the phone.}

STRONG BAD: Anyone? Not even... Marzipan?

MARZIPAN: {Marshie voice} Homestar, it's Marzipan!! I want you to know that while I'm still a little bit sore that you burned down most of my backyard, but now I'm just going off! I'm going off the rails, Homestar!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: The candy worked! Hooray! Wait a minute, when did I give her candy?

STRONG BAD: You don't remember? You sent me over to her house a few hours ago with a big box of chocolate-covered organic packing peanuts.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh yeah. That sounds like something I'd do. So, what am I doing in your kitchen now with all this cooking stuff?

STRONG BAD: Beats the crap outta me.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Well, I'll just go then. {Homestar walks out}

STRONG BAD: Yes, please. At least, the kitchen an all its 4-year-old condiments are mine again! Bwah-hah-ha-haaa! Hey, do you hear that? That, my hot ladies, was the sweet sound of Homestar's tuchus being surgically removed from my house. Ya hear that, house? It's just you and me...

{Clock wipe. Strong Bad is answering his email.}

STRONG BAD: Uh oh, something makes me think it's not... So there you have it Monsieur... {skips ahead} something,

{Strong Bad stands up and leaves the computer.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Surprise! Whoopee!

{The party has begun downstairs.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {singing} For he's a jolly good fellow!

COACH Z: {singing} For he's a jolly good fellow!

THE KING OF TOWN: {singing} For he's a jolly—

STRONG BAD: {interrupting} I'll deny oxygen to your lungs if you don't get outta here!

{The Rank Up jingle plays.}

STRONG BAD: Oh, now everybody's here. Uh... yep, that's true. Don't look, don't look at the reflection of the weirdo.

{Strong Bad goes for the banana peel, but is blocked by the King.}

STRONG BAD: Banana peel, gotta get that thing. Oh no! Buurrrp! Havin' some Pizz. What'd I got to do to get him out of here? Um, pizzas gone. He's done.

{Strong Bad examines the pizzas.}

STRONG BAD: Normally, I would be pouncing on these pizzas like a... Cheat on a wounded Twinkie, but I draw the line at veggie pizzas...

{The rest of the line is not recited.}


STRONG BAD: Change up the dang tunes? Which tunes? Uh, let's see. Let's see, let's see. {begins humming the Brit-Pout music} Um, I don't know what to do.

{The inventory is opened.}


{Total Load is placed on the pizza.}

STRONG BAD: I'm gonna put some Total Load. Nope.

{Strong Bad gives the Total Load to the King.}

STRONG BAD: Uhh, no. {begins to hum again} Mess with the S— oh that's right, we gotta get everybody doin' the luau.

{Strong Bad switches on the SeeDee Spinner.}

STRONG BAD: Conga line! {switch} Come on. {switch} Conga line. {switch; the Latin rhythms begin to play} Nothing like click four times.

{Homestar calls for a conga line. His lines are not recited.}

STRONG BAD: That's the hardest puzzle in the whole game. {the conga line dances past} Continue clicking. Now I gotta go get that...

{Strong Bad picks up the banana peel. His lines are not recited; Homestar sings along to the conga line chant.}

STRONG BAD: And I gotta go do the chair, too. Come on, let's go. The chair.

{Strong Bad adjusts the Luxa Lounger.}

STRONG BAD: Buwang! The Luxa Lounger is even more comfortable in its "Ridiculously Overextended" mode.

{The conga line stops in its tracks. Homestar redirects the conga line toward the window.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Uh oh. We gotta change directions. Let's go this way now!

{The inventory is opened. Strong Bad takes out the banana peel.}

STRONG BAD: Uh... I just use it the rug? Or these guys?

{Strong Bad places the banana peel by the window.}

STRONG BAD: I love the way I think!

{Homestar sings as the conga line walks over the banana peel and slides out the window, crashing down outside. The voices of the characters are heard from the game. Strong Bad switches the SeeDee Spinner off.}

STRONG BAD: That's what happens when you mess with General Flexmypecs! That's me. I sometimes call myself General William Flexmypecs. Now maybe I can get some freakin' piece of quiet around here.


{Strong Bad is answering his email at the Lappy.}

STRONG BAD: So there you have it, Monsieur Manure: the video game adaption of adaptation of how I finally beat the snot out of Homestar, in the most direct and least convoluted way. Man, I'm awesome. Eat snail, Strong Bad.

{Strong Bad stands up.}

STRONG BAD: So you see, people, that's why you can't, no you can't, huah, {Strong Bad leaps in the air and lands on the washing machine} handle my style, because it's hot, so please allow 15— 10 to 15 minutes for it to properly cool before you try to {ends with a flourish} handle my styyyle!

{Strong Bad goes back to sleep on the couch.}

STRONG BAD: Honk shoo.

{The camera drifts upstairs to the Lappy, where the Municipality Logo is displayed ominously.}

STRONG BAD: Next time, on previously seen as Strong Bad's Cool Game For Attractive People.

{Matt waves the Technical Difficulties sign as the image fades out, exposing his reflection.}

{The scene fades in on a sleeping Strong Bad. Extended Play is unlocked. Strong Bad sings along with the music as the credits roll.}

STRONG BAD: I'm just gonna sing this song. {resumes singing} Um, there you go, guys. I think that's probably all that all— any of us can take. What do you guys think? Um, that wasn't too bad. That part in the King of Town's castle was a little bit frustrating. Um... thank you guys. You guys earned it. By doing all kinds of awesome stuff. Man, those ukulele covers. I don't know if you've listened to them all, but you should look them up on YouTube if you haven't. There's some seriously incredible ones. {tea drops} Um, that's good. We'll probably do some more of this stuff. Pretty easy to do. Um... maybe we try and figure out a way to do it where we're not using terrible webcams and terrible old... Lappies. You know what I'm sayin'? Uh, nothing in this stream is canon, people. Nothing! None of it. It's the opposite of canon. Thank you guys.

{The credits end. The screen fades out. Matt's reflection is exposed.}

STRONG BAD: Oh no, get me out of here. {reaching for the Technical Difficulties card} Get me out of here!

{In the next episode of Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People...}

STRONG BAD: Oh, wait. A preview of the next one! In the next episode of Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People...

{Fade in to the Strong Badia flag. Strong Bad walks in front of it, giving a speech.}

STRONG BAD: Friends and losers, my long incarceration has taught me that we can never be truly free until we reject the fat-thority of the King of Town. Hencetoforthwith: I shall only refer to him as "The Of Town"! As of today, Strong Badia is its own, independent nation! Onward to Strong Badia! Strong Badia the Free!

{Homestar pops up.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Hey, that's the name of this—

STRONG BAD: {interrupting} Shut up.

{Fade to the title card for Strong Badia the Free. Strong Bad sings a low note as the screen advertises new episodes every month.}

{Cut to Strong Mad operating the ice and fire heads of the Taranchula standee.}


{Vanity plate shows}

STRONG BAD: I hate the minigame at the end of episode 2. Me too, bad usernames. Me too.

{The main menu screen returns. Homestar's eyes are not visible.}

STRONG BAD: Uh, hey, let's listen to some of this stuff.

{"New Game" is hovered over. Strong Bad and Homestar react.}

STRONG BAD: Wait, where did Homestar's eyes go? That's terrifying! Where are his eyes?

{New Game is hovered over again.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Neeew game! My eyes only show up when they're closed.

{New Game is hovered over again.}

STRONG BAD: New game.

{Save/Load is hovered over.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Saving and loading!

{Save/Load is hovered over again.}

STRONG BAD: Savèlo-ad.

{Save/Load is hovered over again.}

STRONG BAD: Save/load.

{Settings is hovered over. Homestar turns around in confusion. Strong Bad covers his eyes in shame.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Se— hmm? Huh? Settings? I forgot my line. I think... is what I was supposed to say.

{Quit It is hovered over.}

STRONG BAD: Quit it.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: I had the same thing happen once with Strong Bad's eyes!

STRONG BAD: Uh, okay guys. I think I'm gonna sign off. Thank you, guys, so much, for hanging out... I hope none of you have gout. Um, let's see. Go off the air. We'll do some more stuff, we'll give you loa— uh, more warnings, even after the campaign is over we'll have this whole Kickstarter thing to exploit. So we could do all kinds of crazy jank. Like, a crowd, uh, sourced Peasant's Quest speedrun. Uh, okay. Bye, guys. I wanna go.

MATT: Me too. I'm a human being, and you guys are awesome, and you filled me with... joys. With Marzipan joy-joys.

Fun Facts


  • A speedrun is when a player attempts to complete a video game in the shortest possible time.


Inside References

Real-World References

  • The Indy 500 is a car race.
  • GameFAQs is a website where walkthroughs are posted to help players navigate games.
  • Batman is mentioned with his clothes on display in a glass case.
  • The Legend of Zelda is referenced a couple of times. The places where Link explores are traditionally referred to as "dungeons". Dungeons have frequently taken the form of temples since Ocarina of Time, but not all dungeons are necessarily temples. Strong Bad sings Epona's Song, briefly confusing it with the Recorder's theme.
  • "Merchify" is a portmanteau of "merchandise" and online sales platform Shopify, which hosts the current incarnation of the Store.
  • Mike Stemmle is one of the Telltale Games developers who made Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People.
  • "Super Smash Ultimate" refers to the Nintendo game Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. Strong Bad was not in it.
  • Harry Caray was an American sportscaster on radio and television.
  • A kobold is a creature from Dungeons & Dragons.
  • Charles Schulz is the artist who wrote the Peanuts comic strips, which inspired the Brick Wall.

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