If I Ran the Camera

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If I Ran the Camera was a Flash slideshow that could be found on the HomestarRunner.com domain. It had all the hallmarks of Mike and Matt Chapman's work, but it was a non-Homestar piece. It featured pictures of their father and an unidentified baby, perhaps the Brothers' Chaps niece. It was removed from the site sometime in 2003, after the Brothers Chaps realized that fans had unearthed the secret page. The Flash file, "ifiranthecamera.swf," has been lost to the ages, but the text from the short can be found in the source code preserved at the Internet Archive.

It is unknown who the poem was written by or for, though its style and length seem to indicate an adult or a talented child. "Grandpa Chapman" is presumably related to the Brothers Chaps, most likely their father. Astrid Renee may be a fictional character, or may be the name of the baby found in the pictures. The poem itself seems to be a parody of "If I Ran the Zoo" and "If I Ran the Circus" by Dr. Seuss.

Transcript

"If I ran the camera for the movies today,
Things would be different," said young Astrid Renee.
The special effects and all that kind of stuff
That they show on the screen is not quite good enough.
You can see stuff like that in just any old flick,
But you'd see something different if I made a pic.

Of course, I'd need helpers and the first to be hired
Would be my Grandpa Chapman (after all, he's retired).
My Grandpa Chapman is one of my very best friends,
So I know he won't mind doing some small odds and ends.

"What my movie needs first," pondered Astrid Renee
"Is a solid foundation, one heck of a screenplay."
And my Grandpa Chapman is just the guy who can write it
Why I'll bet he can even cast it, produce it and light it!

With the story all settled the next thing to do
Is to find a location to set up my film crew.
Some place exotic, some place never seen
Some place that looks stupendous up on the big screen.

The jungles of Prance or the mountains of Prut
Or maybe the River of Brigger-ba-Root
Yes, that's it! My film will be set on a boat
As down the Brigger-ba-Root my cast and crew float.

When the crew is all set and the river is Brigger-ba Rooting
Then will be just the perfect time to finally start shooting
And who better to capture every last detail?
Why my Grandpa Chapman, he just can't fail.

When the shooting is done, then it will be time to edit
And my Grandpa Chapman is the guy who'll get that credit.
When my film's in the can, folks will come from far and near
To rub elbows with me at my movie's big premiere.

Then I'll have to embark on a long publicity tour
And after that, I'll need a spa vacation for sure.
After all, making movies takes a lot outta me...
But I'll be sure to thank my Grandpa Chapman
When I thank the Academy.

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