Homestar Runner Goes for the Gold
From Homestar Runner Wiki
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- This article is about the toon. For the book, see Homestar Runner Goes For The Gold!.
Homestar and Strong Bad find an old discarded script for another children's book.
Cast (In order of appearance): Homestar Runner, Strong Bad, Pom Pom, Mr. Bland, Strong Mad, Strong Sad/Strong Glad, The Cheat, Dijjery-doo, The Announcer, Grape Fairy, The Sneak, Coach Z, Bubs
Places:
Date: Saturday, December 24, 2016 (actual); Friday, December 16, 2016 (main page)
Running Time: 6:24
Page Title: Unearthed and rebirthed!
Contents |
Transcript
{Over a spooky-sounding chord, some text appears over a blue screen:
"20 years ago, two guys made this book:"
An image of Homestar Runner Enters the Strongest Man in the World Contest appears below it. After a few seconds, the text and book disappear, to be replaced with:
"A month later, they wrote the next Homestar Runner story,"
Which is followed with some pieces of notebook paper with the script on them, followed by
"and then promptly forgot about it."
Followed shortly by:
"Until now..."
Cut to Homestar Runner's house in silhouette, with a shed behind it. Homestar and Strong Bad leave the house and head toward the shed.}
{Zoom in full to the shed with Homestar Runner and Strong Bad}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, man, Strong Bad. You're not gonna believe this thing! {opens the door of the shed and starts taking out a see-through box labelled with masking tape, "old H*R crap"} Wait 'till you see this thing! This thing is gonna change your life! Blow your mind! Wipe your nose!
STRONG BAD: Then shut the dang up and let's see it already!
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Okay. Okay. Um... It's, um... It's right... Um... {starts looking nervous}
STRONG BAD: Homestar, did you ramble on so long that you forgot what you were going to show me?
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Um, no. And furthermore, no. It was this... {pulls a shiny rubber burger out of the box} Squeakburger. {squeezes it twice} Burger burger!
STRONG BAD: Whoa, look at this! {He takes something out of the box; close-up revealing that it's a children's book called "homestar runner and the brothers strong". Blue text at the bottom reads "an unfinished second children's book by mike & craig".} "The Homestar Runner and the Brothers Strong"? "An unfinished second children's book by Mike and Craig"? {As he says the name's Mike and Craig, they are bleeped out; Mike's name is scribbled over with black, and Craig's name is pixelated}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, that's definitely not what I was lookin' for. That thing looks terrible!
STRONG BAD: Come on, let's read it right the dang now!
{Close-up on the book, which is now completely different; it depicts The Homestar Runner with a whistle next to a strange submarine}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: "The Homestar Runner and the Bathyscaphe". {seductive tone} "A Lurid Tale of Underwater Intrigue and Underwater Pants".
{Cloud transition back to Homestar and Strong Bad}
STRONG BAD: Uh, maybe I should read it. {cut back to the unaltered book} "The Homestar Runner and the Brothers Strong". {the title of the book changes to match what Strong Bad says} A.K.A. "Homestar Runner Goes for the Gold". A.K.A. "old glue turns gross and brown {arrows appear, pointing to the brown glue on the fabric Homestar Runner} if you let it sit for 20 years".
{The image changes to a cartoon rendering of the cover, with The Homestar Runner posing against golden stars.}
STRONG BAD: {reading} Everyone loves The Homestar Runner. He is a terrific athelete.
THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: {moves upwards} Ding!
{Next page, showing a "Triathlon Tomorrow! Go for the Gold!" poster on a telephone pole.}
STRONG BAD: Tomorrow is the annual triathlon. {Cut to Pom Pom, The Homestar Runner, and Mr. Bland practicing; Pom Pom is twirling himself on two hanging rings, Mr. Bland is doing chin-ups, and The Homestar Runner is standing with a whistle around his neck.} Homestar Runner's team, the All-Stars, {says name sluggishly; the words slump down on the page; The Homestar Runner looks surprised} is practicing as we speak.
THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: Whistle hard, Pom Pom! {whistles several times} Come on guys! {whistles more} Whistle to the max! {whistles more}
{Cut to Strong Bad, Strong Bad, and Strong Sad near the extremely expensive jambox. A sign nearby says "Hot Team Meeting".}
STRONG BAD: The Homestar Runner's rivals, Strong Bad, Strong Mad, and Strong Sad {again, says name sluggishly, causing it to slump down on the page} are having a hot team meeting.
TINY-HANDED STRONG BAD: Strong Sad, you are too weak. You must be replaced by... {The Cheat comes onscreen and makes triumphant noises} Dijjery Doo!
THE CHEAT: {annoyed The Cheat noises}
{Dijjery Doo, a bizarre brown animal with tusks, comes onscreen. Cut back to modern-day Homestar Runner and Strong Bad.}
STRONG BAD: Who the crap is Dijjery Doo?
HOMESTAR RUNNER: I tried to warn ya! I wash my hands of this whole affair!
STRONG BAD: Well, I guess he looks kinda cool. Maybe he'll turn out alright.
{Cut back to the storybook, where Tiny-Handed Strong Bad is standing with Dijjery Doo.}
DIJJERY DOO: Hey, Strong Bad. I just want to say how happy I am to be part of the team. {His left tusk falls out} And the ah!
TINY-HANDED STRONG BAD: I am immediately regretting this decision.
STRONG BAD: ...said uncharacteristically candid Strong Bad.
{Cut to the All-Stars practicing. Strong Sad walks by.}
STRONG BAD: Dejected, Strong Sad moped passed the All-Stars.
THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: What's {whistles} wrong? {whistles more}
STRONG BAD: [asked The Homestar Runner.] said the greatest communicator on the planet.
{Close-up of Strong Sad and The Homestar Runner.}
STRONG SAD: My brothers kicked me off the team and replaced me with Dijjer— [—y Doo.]
THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: {interrupting} Yeah, yeah. We know all that. Chin up and start getting {misspelled as "gettting"} ready for next year.
STRONG BAD: ...said The Homestar Runner as they left to compete. {The Homestar Runner, Pom Pom, and Mr. Bland leave. Strong Sad looks even more dejected.}
{Cut to both teams standing under a sign, in silhouette.}
STRONG BAD: All the teams lined up for the first event: {close-up on the sign, which says "RUNNING!"} Running! {pronounces the N and G individually.}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Man, I can't wait to see how I dominate this one!
{Pan down to show Strong Mad and Pom Pom on a track, wearing roller skates.}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Wait, what? Pom Pom?
{Cut back to modern Homestar and Strong Bad.}
STRONG BAD: I'm more worried about how this is clearly roller skating. Is that what they called running in the mid-'90s?
{Cut back to the storybook. The Announcer is in the foreground.}
THE ANNOUNCER: Ready... set... go! {a gunshot is heard, and Strong Mad and Pom Pom start off; Strong Mad is ahead}
STRONG BAD: {Strong Mad is shown to be in the lead} Strong Mad gets an early lead. {Strong Mad breaks through the ribbon at the end of the track} And wins! {A scoreboard sign is shown, which the Grape Fairy and the Fat Bee fly next to; "Strong Stars" and "All Stars" both have 0 points} After the first event, {The Grape Fairy gives the Strong Stars a point} the Strong Stars have lead. {Cut to the story script in modern Strong Bad's hands, which indeed says "the strong stars have lead."} That's actually what it says. No, take a look: {zoom-in closer; the words "have lead" are highlighted} Ooh! Or maybe it was supposed to be, {Tiny-Handed Strong Bad, Strong Mad, and Dijjery Doo are shown in front of a gray bomb shape} Have Lead! {pronounced with the short "e" sound} {Tiny-Handed Strong Bad is given a pistol, Dijjery Doo is given a large pencil, and Strong Mad holds a satellite; an explosion sound is heard} That's better! On to the next event: Swimming!
{Cut back to the storybook; The Homestar Runner and Tiny Handed Strong Bad stand in front of a pool with lanes. A sign overhead says "Swimming!" The Homestar Runner wears goggles and swim fins, and Tiny-Handed Strong Bad seems to have a fish through his head. The Homestar Runner is then seen riding on top of the "Bathyscaphe" submarine from before, easily making it to the end of the pool.}
STRONG BAD: The Homestar Runner wins! Wait, what? {cut back to modern day} You get a freakin' submarine and alls I get is a fish crammed through my head?
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Yeah, you know. Standard collegiate swimming rules. Very standard.
{A large scroll in the Storybook World is shown, headed "Standarn Collegiate Swimming Rules". The Grape Fairy is in front of it.}
GRAPE FAIRY: Rule one: {the following appears on the scroll} The Homestar Runner gets a state-of-the-art bathyscaphe-type situation. Rule number two: {the following appears underneath} Strong Bad... fish crammed through his head.
{The scoreboard is shown again.}
STRONG BAD: Now his team is even with Strong Bad's team. {The Grape Fairy gives the All Stars a point} Whoever wins the last event gets the gold!
{Cut to Mr. Bland, wearing yellow wings, and Dijjery Doo, holding a propeller, standing under a banner that says "Flying!"}
STRONG BAD: Everyone's ready for the flying event! {close-up on Mr. Bland} Suddenly, Strong Bad's minion, {The Cheat comes onscreen and makes triumphant noises} the sneak, {The Sneak, with no storybook stylization, comes onscreen with a bat}
THE CHEAT: {angrily} What the crap?
STRONG BAD: ...cripples Mr. Bland. {The Cheat leaves} Yeah, I'm with you, The Cheat. {cut to modern-day} How come Mike and Craig {censor tones play over their names like before} can't seem to keep my sidekicks straight for more than like two pages? That Old-Timey rat thing's not gonna cripple anybody! {During his speech, Homestar smiles and slowly lifts his "Squeakburger"}
{Cut back to the storybook scene, where The Sneak bashes Mr. Bland with the bat until he lies on the ground with broken wings. The Sneak crawls off.}
STRONG BAD: Whoa-ho-ho! Touché. {wide shot of Mr. Bland and Dijjery Doo} Everyone else takes off. {Dijjery Doo's propeller starts spinning, and he lifts into the air; cut to Pom Pom and The Homestar Runner looking at the crippled Mr. Bland} What will the All-Stars do?
{Cut to a shot of The Homestar Runner with Strong Sad in the distance}
THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: {in each version of the scene, The Homestar Runner holds up the broken wings mid-sentence} Strong Sad, come take these broken wings and learn to fly. {cut to the same scene} Strong Sad, you've got to fly, fly to the angels. {cut to the same scene} Strong Sad, you're motoring. What's your price for flight?
STRONG BAD: ...said Homestar. {The "new" All-Stars team is shown against a star background: Pom Pom wearing roller skates, The Homestar Runner in his swimming gear, and Strong Sad in the center wearing Mr. Bland's broken wings} Strong Sad was now an All-Star. They were back in business! {Silhouetted view of Strong Sad flying above the rest of the characters, starting to catch up to Dijjery Doo, who is flying ahead of him} Strong Sad was making up all kinds of ground. {close-up of Strong Sad flying through clouds} He sure had a knack for this flying stuff.
STRONG SAD: I'm glad that I'm flying! {Suddenly, he gains long legs with red heels, and starts flying even faster}
Easter Eggs
- Click on end. after the scene in the shed plays to see a scene with Homestar and Strong Bad in The Brother Strong's Basement.
Fun Facts
Original Script
- The papers showing the original script can be read when zoomed in. The capitalization has been corrected, but otherwise this is transcribed exactly as written:
| Page | Text |
|---|---|
| Pg. 1 | Everyone loves The Homestar Runner. He is a terrific athlete. |
| Pg. 2 | Tomorrow is the annual triathlon. Homestar Runner's team, the All-Stars, is practicing as we speak. |
| Pg. 3 | The Homestar Runner's rivals, Strong Bad, Strong Mad, & Strong Sad, are having a team meeting. "Strong Sad, you are too weak. You must be replaced by Dijjery Doo," shouted Strong Bad. |
| Pg. 4 | Dejected, Strong Sad moped passed the All-Stars. "What's wrong?" asked The Homestar Runner. "My brothers kicked me off the team & replaced me w/ Dijjery Doo." |
| Pg. 5 | "Chin up & start getting ready for next year," said The Homestar Runner as they left to compete. |
| Pg. 6 | All the teams lined up to the 1st event, running! |
| Pg. 7 | "Ready? Set? Go!!" Strong Mad gets an early lead. & wins! |
| Pg. 8 | After the first event, the Strong Stars have lead. On to the next event: swimming! |
| Pg. 9 | Homestar Runner wins! Now his team w/ Strong Bad's team. Whoever wins the last event gets the gold. |
| Pg. 10 | Everyone's ready for the flying event. |
| Pg. 11 | Suddenly, Strong Bad's minion, The Sneak, cripples Mr. Bland. Everyone else takes off. What will the All-Stars do?!? |
| Pg. 12 | "Strong Sad, come take these broken wings & learn to fly," said Homestar. Strong Sad was now an All-Star. They were back in business! |
| Pg. 13 | Strong Sad was making up all kinds of ground. He sure had a knack for this flying stuff. |
| Pg. 14 | Dijjery Do was being passed by the high flying Strong Sad. He made a last ditch effort to sabotage the All-Stars. |
| Pg. 15 | Dijjery Do's plan backfired. The All-Stars win! |
| Pg. 16 | Getting the gold w/ The Homestar Runner changed Strong Sad. He is now Strong Glad. |
Remarks
- "Catastrophically" and "head chunkularly" are in fact adverbs, not adjectives.
Real World References
- Homestar quotes lyrics from "Broken Wings" by Mr. Mister, "Fly to the Angels" by Slaughter, and "Sister Christian" by Night Ranger when asking Strong Sad to replace Mr. Bland.
- Strong Bad's proposed nickname for Strong Sad, "Sad Sachary Taylor", refers to twelfth President of the United States Zachary Taylor.
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