# 4 branches

 watch ← coloring the chair →
"Ooh! I'm a neglected official."

Strong Bad explains the four branches of stupid things Homestar's done.

Cast (in order of appearance): Strong Bad, Homestar Runner, The King of Town, Marzipan, Strong Sad, Coach Z, Rumble Red, The Homestar Runner, Old-Timey Strong Bad, Larry Palaroncini (Easter egg), Gary Palaroncini (Easter egg), Perry Palaroncini (Easter egg), Mary Palaroncini (Easter egg)

Places: Computer Room, The Show, The Office (Water Cooler), The Field, Old-Timey Field, Old-Timey Stage, Alien Planet (Easter egg)

Computer: Lappy 486

Date: Monday, November 13, 2006

Running Time: 4:55

Page Title: Lappy 486

## Transcript

STRONG BAD: {singing} Start your day the Sbemail way, and never get out of bed!

{Strong Bad reads "Hey Strong Bad," in a bored tone and continues to read the rest of the email the same way. He draws out "ur" before biggest fan and reads "N.Y." as "Nueva York."}

STRONG BAD: {clears screen, typing} Well, my good Spank, that is way too broad a subject and would take several days just to scratch the surface of the tip of that iceberg. Especially the imagined part. That one has its own spreadsheet even. No, we'll have to get much more specific if we're gonna cover any stupid Homestar ground in one email. So it's time you people learned all about {cut to a scene with a U.S. Capitol-like building topped with a dome shaped like Homestar's head, and a banner featuring the the following title:} The Four Branches of Stupid Things Homestar's Done.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {as the top of the building} Ooo. I'm a neglected official.

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} The first branch is in charge of keeping the public informed. {A dotted line is traced to a television set with Homestar's head on the screen. A caption appears under it that reads "The House of Doing Stupid Things on National Television".} It's the House of Doing Stupid Things on National Television!

{Cut to Homestar Runner on the set of The Show.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Now isn't that a tasty makeover, lady friends? {A crowd full of ladies cheers. Zoom in on Homestar.} Huh? {zoom in even closer} Huh?! From Drab to Fab with nothing but mustaaard!

{Pictures of the King of Town appear on the left and right sides of the screen. The one on the left is labeled "Drab" and features a "normal" picture of the King of Town. The picture on the right is labeled "Fab" and features the King of Town doused with mustard. Homestar holds up a mustard container with the word 'Musty!' on it. Crowd cheers. The pictures disappear.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Now my next guest says her man doesn't give respect when she comes correct. But he thinks she's just a drama mama.

{Cut to a shot of Marzipan looking angry, with the words "Alleged Drama Mama" at the bottom of the screen.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: So let's bring him out!

{The crowd boos. Homestar turns towards a curtain, then a spotlight appears on Homestar and his clothes and appearance change instantly; his propeller cap is back-to-front, while stubble, a goatee and undereye bags have appeared on his face, and his shirt features a green hand and the words "DENIED! Panama City Beach".}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {sulkily} Yeah, whatever. You know you all want some.

{A chair flies in from offscreen and hits Homestar in the face, knocking him down. The crowd cheers.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} That's right. Homestar secretly had himself on his own "You're a Bad Boyfriend" talk show.

{Cut back to the list of "Stupid Things Homestar's Done." A dotted line is traced to a coffee mug with Homestar's face on it.}

STRONG BAD: The next branch tracks the stupid things Homestar does on the job. Here comes The Bureau of Doing Stupid Things at the Office.

{Cut to the Office. Strong Bad is sitting in his cubicle wearing a headset, occasionally typing on his computer. Phones can be heard ringing in the background.}

STRONG BAD: {talking into headset; looking bored} No ma'am, this would be a password you gave to us. Yes sir, it could be the last four digits of your dog, or your mother's maiden credit card number...

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {offscreen} Hey, Strong Bro, keg party at the water cooler!

STRONG BAD: {turns his head offscreen towards Homestar} Not Now! I'm talking to Phone Tree Survivor Number Thirteen! {talking into headset} Yes, baby, the whole password.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {offscreen} Stro Bro, free bagels at the water cooler!

STRONG BAD: {looks excited} I'm sorry, ma'am, free bagels just happened.

{Strong Bad scoots his chair backward out of his cubicle, making The Geddup Noise and leaving the headset behind. Cut to the water cooler, which has Homestar stuffed inside, with one leg hanging out of one of the water dispensers. Paper cups are scattered over the floor.}

STRONG BAD: Aww, man! This isn't free bagels!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: No, but it is free...ing Homestar from the water cooler. That's pretty sweet.

STRONG BAD: {momentarily stutters} Just explain to me what you were trying to do when this happened.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Well, I was in Barbados, hanging a picture on the wall...

STRONG BAD: Okay, that tells me everything I need to know. How 'bout we try this?

{Strong Bad steps up to the water cooler. Cut to a closeup of the dispenser with Homestar's leg in it. Strong Bad presses the button on the nozzle.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Ow, ow, OW, STOP!

{Strong Bad stops pressing on the dispenser. Cut back to the original shot of the water cooler.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Sweet genius, that hurt! Oh, well, just forget it. I'll just stay in here for the rest of my life. Just stack my mail on top of me, would ya? {Strong Bad walks off as a phone rings.} Thanks, S-bro! Man! Where should we go for lunch today? Chinese buffet?

{Cut back to the list of "Stupid Things Homestar's Done." While Strong Bad talks, a scoreboard appears, which rolls up to its high number limit of 999,999 and then resets to zero.}

STRONG BAD: You know how in video games, if you get the super-duper high score, it eventually flips back to zero? Well, sometimes Homestar does something so stupid, he flips back to smart.

{The scoreboard disappears as a dotted line is traced to a picture of Homestar with a graduation cap on. A caption appears under him that says "The joint Sub-Committee On So Stupid It's Smart-ities". Cut to Homestar in the Field atop a soap box with Strong Sad in the foreground. The words "Fourteen Times" are written on the soapbox.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Awash with flavor!

STRONG SAD: Uh, okay Homestar. Then what's two plus two?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Well, {speaking quickly} the force between any two charges is equal to the absolute value of the multiple of the charges— {cut to a closeup; computer-type noises begin playing in the background} —divided by 4 pi times the vacuum permittivity times the distance squared between the two charges.

STRONG SAD: No, no, no, stupid! That's Coulomb's law.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, {cut back to wide shot of Homestar} right, sorry! Two plus two? That's easy. Twenty-two.

{Cut back to the list of "Stupid Things Homestar's Done."}

STRONG BAD: And last of course, the most powerful branch. The Boudoir of Doing Stupid Things While Inside a College Mascot Costume.

{A dotted line is traced to a football helmet with Homestar's face on it. A caption appears under it that reads "The Boudoir of Doing Stupid Things While Inside a College Mascot Costume".}

{Cut to the Field at night with Homestar inside The Jolly Dumple costume. A campfire is also inside it.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Man, oh man, oh man! Man! Moving into this mascot costume was probably the coolest and least locking-myself-out-of-my-house-enest decision I ever made! {Homestar raises a stick with a juice box stuck on the end over the fire.} This juice box is gonna roast up good and plenty! Dark and lovely! Bed, Bath and Be-yond!

{Cut to a wider shot revealing Coach Z.}

COACH Z: Homestar, what are you doin'?! That thing is made out of flame pro-tardant Polymascotfoamalate!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Polymascotfoamalate?! {his words echo}

{Fade to The Homestar Runner in the Old-Timey Field standing next to an alien. A spaceship has crashed into the factory in the background.}

RUMBLE RED: But, Earthling, they don't have polymascotfoamalate on my planet. Eh, rumble.

THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: That's 'cause you're a Communist {pronounces it "commonest"} fool, red!

{Rumble Red looks shocked. Cut to a stage with The Homestar Runner and Old-Timey Strong Bad dancing with a banner over their heads reading "Polymascotfoamalate!"}

BACKGROUND SINGERS: {singing} Polymascotfoamalate!

{Cut to The Homestar Runner dressed up as a baby.}

THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: Feed it to the babies.

{Cut back to the stage. Rumble Red joins them.}

BACKGROUND SINGERS: {singing} Polymascotfoamalate!

{Cut to Old-Timey Strong Bad with sour cream on his face holding what appears to be baby powder in one hand and a cup full of soured cream in the other.}

OLD-TIMEY STRONG BAD: Or as a topping on Soured Cream!

{Cut to a globe with the words "POLYMASCOTFOAMALATE" written in front of it with its chemical formula, (Msct-) + (Fm8+).}

ANNOUNCER: Polymascotfoamalate! Helping America {The words "Ingenuitizing the Future" appear above the globe as they are spoken} Ingenuitize the Future across the globe!

{A record scratch is heard. We abruptly cut back to the Field at night with Homestar inside the mascot.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Ohhh. Right. So I should be perfectly safe! {singing} Polymascotfoa- {an explosion occurs, throwing Coach Z out of frame; after a beat, Homestar's mascot costume disintegrates with the sound of breaking glass.}

{Cut back to the list of "Stupid Things Homestar's Done". Strong Bad stands up in front of it as music starts playing.}

STRONG BAD: So there you have it! Now it's up to you to make your own informed decisions about the stupidest things Homestar's done. Get involved, {a banner appears above Strong Bad} write a letter to your local Homestarman, {another banner appears} or throw a trash can through a plate glass window! {Yet another banner appears.}

{Strong Bad walks off screen and the camera pulls in on the top of the U.S. Capitol building shaped like Homestar's head.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {singing} And that's how I become a law! {Fireworks appear in the air.} Ptoo! Ptoo! Ptoo!

{The Paper comes down.}

## Easter Eggs

A Great Idea for Personal Style
• Click on "spreadsheet" after Strong Bad types it to see a spreadsheet titled "A Great Idea for Personal Style". Across the cells is a drawing of Homestar's head wearing slices of meat and vegetables, and a handwritten caption that reads "MONGOLIAN BEEF WiG".
• Click on the cartoon in Strong Bad's cubicle to see a Dullard comic.
• At the end of the email, click on Homestar's head to see more fireworks.
• At the end, click on "Stupid" to see a Limozeen: "but they're in space!" cartoon:
{Larry, Gary, and Perry are seen on a teal planet with Rumble Red, a snake-like animal coming out of the ground, and a ringed planet in the background.}
RUMBLE RED: {gestures and stamps feet while speaking} Oh, but Limozeen-in-space-lings. They don't have hot blonde groupies with high bangs on my planet... {trailing off} eh, rumble...
LARRY: That's 'cause you don't have polyhairsprayteasealate!
{Cut to Mary holding a tentacle in a hot dog bun.}
MARY: {speaking with mouth full} And you're a communist fool! {Takes a bite of sandwich and chews.}

## Fun Facts

### Explanations

• Mongolian beef is an American Chinese dish, consisting of sliced beef, stir-fried with scallions and other vegetables in a sweet and savory brown sauce, and served over steamed rice or cellophane noodles. The term "Mongolian" is intended to imply a vaguely exotic type of food. Neither the ingredients nor the methods of preparation are typically Mongolian.
• Strong Bad's describing of passwords as "the last four digits of your dog" or "your mother's maiden credit card number" are plays on three commonly used recall codes, wherein you would type the last four digits of your social security number, the name of your first pet, or your mother's maiden name, to reclaim a lost password. Such things are also sometimes used as actual passwords.
• Barbados is an island country in the Atlantic Ocean, just east of the Caribbean Sea.
• In many older video and arcade games, limitations of the game's scoring system would cause the score to "roll over" back to 0 when a score reached a certain upper limit. For example, if the game was only capable of displaying five digits for the player's score, achieving a score of 100,000 would cause the score to roll over to 0.
• Homestar correctly states Coulomb's law, which determines the magnitude of the electrostatic force between two particles based on their charges q1 and q2 and the distance between them r:
$F=\frac1{4\pi\epsilon_0}\frac{|q_1q_2|}{r^2}$
• "Red" is a slang term for a Communist.
• "Polymascotfoamalate" is a portmanteau of quite a few words:
• "Poly-" is a prefix meaning "many", probably intended to refer to the large number of manmade materials whose names also start with the prefix (polyester, polyurethane, polyisocyanurate, etc.)
• "mascot" is its own word.
• "foam" is a word by itself, but in context, it refers to foam rubber, which is often used in wearable mascot costumes.
• "-ate" is a suffix for a chemical compound with a full complement of oxygen atoms.

### Remarks

• When The King of Town's "Drab to Fab" makeover is shown, the colors of his crown are reversed, as they were in earlier designs.
• Homestar's legs during the The Show AM are, for some reason, in the old design. Notice the left foot being at an awkward angle.
• Although Strong Bad criticizes Homestar for having himself as a guest on his own TV show, in the email pizzaz, Strong Bad had himself as a guest on his own show, the Strong Bad-Type Interview Progrum.
• Strong Bad mixes up technological phrases and assigns various gender titles, similar to what Homestar did in isp.
• Strong Bad's polo shirt has a 5.25 inch floppy disk crest. Homestar, however, is not wearing the usual polo shirt attire to work.
• Homestar does not have any trouble breathing or speaking underwater. The sound of his voice is also not affected by the water or bottle.
• Homestar's eyes appear considerably bigger than normal while inside the water cooler; this may be due to the cooler's curved surface magnifying them, or Homestar being alarmed by his predicament. They also do not blink every four seconds, which suggests new eyes were made especially for this scene.
• The shadows cast by Homestar in the costume are to his side, although the fire (the source of light) is in front of him.
• The chemical formula for Polymascotfoamalate is a play on its name: Msct- for "mascot" and Fm8+ for "foamalate".
• During the scene of the globe in the Polymascotfoamalate cartoon, the white land masses at the top and bottom do not spin with the rest of the globe.
• When the spotlight falls on Homestar as the guest star boyfriend, everything around the room becomes darkened, including the flashing border lights on the sign behind him.
• This email uses an older design of Strong Bad's face.

### Goofs

• The floppy disk on Strong Bad's shirt jumps between Strong Bad's left and right side so that it's always facing the audience.
• In the scene where Homestar is inside the Jolly Dumple costume, the light reflected onto his legs flickers, but the light reflected onto his head doesn't.
• At the end of the firework Easter egg, you can hear a short "pop", which is the very beginning of Homestar's third "pa-too!" from earlier in the email.
• When Strong Bad addresses the audience at the end of the email, the title of the third branch changes from "The Joint Sub-Committee On So Stupid It's Smart-ities" (in focus) to "The Sub-Committee On So Stupid It's Smart-ities" (out of focus) and back again (in focus).
• While Strong Sad is talking to Homestar, the cracks on the side of the soapbox Homestar is standing on reach beyond the box.
• After Homestar finishes explaining how his situation came to be and the camera cuts back to Strong Bad, there is a small hole in his polo behind his arm that is see through.
• When zoomed in, you can see that Homestar's foot does not perfectly line up with the water cooler spout. It seems to be overlapping it and is at a slightly different angle, as if it were disconnected from Homestar's leg completely.

### Fixed Goofs

• When the email was first posted, Strong Bad typed "in" instead of "any" when he says "No, we'll have to get much more specific if we're gonna cover any stupid Homestar ground," at the beginning of the email. This was later corrected.
• When the email was first posted, boudoir was misspelled as "Budoir". This was later corrected.
• Originally the "Polymascotfoamalate" banner was misspelled "Polymascotfamalate".

### Inside References

• "MONGOLIAN BEEF WiG" is an example of lowercase i's.
• Homestar features himself on The Show AM.
• The Soapbox makes another appearance when Homestar stands on it while he answers Strong Sad, and its label now reads "Fourteen times".
• When Strong Bad explains that "when you get a super high score on a video game, it eventually clicks back to zero", the scoreboard makes the same noise as the Random Toon generator on the main page.
• This is another reference to Homestar saying something intelligent, as started by the email stupid stuff.
• The Jolly Dumple first appeared in mascot.
• Homestar's fireworks sounds at the end of the email are the same sounds he makes in couch patch when he is spitting Teddy Grahams.
• Limozeen's animated debut was in best thing.
• This email contains another instance of Strong Bad smiling .

## DVD Version

• The DVD version features hidden creators' commentary. To access it, switch your DVD player's audio language selection while watching.

### Commentary Transcript

(Commentary by: Mike Chapman, Matt Chapman)

MIKE: Welcome back, Matt.

MATT: Nooo.

MIKE: Mike— DJ Mike's commentary extravaganza, episode fourteen.

MATT: Oh, okay!

MIKE: Yeah, so tell us a little bit about, uh, your wedding.

MATT: {laughing} What?

MIKE: You recently got married, I heard.

MATT: No, what?—

MIKE: You got— You've got a new movie coming out?

MATT: We're doing commentary for a Strong Bad Email, Mike. This isn't some weird {laughs} show starring DJ Mike.

{Matt coughs}

MIKE: Alright, what are we at, four branches?

MATT: Yeah, yeah, it's almost over now, so we're good. Keep— Maybe keep doing that—

MIKE: {unintelligible, then talking really fast; interrupting} We gotta talk really fast at the end. {more unintelligible}

MATT: Yeah, we do that.

MIKE: Alright. {waits a couple seconds} Well?

MATT: {After a few more seconds} This is a really good representation of those diagrams that would be in your... social studies book—

MIKE: {talking over Matt} Civics book?

MATT: Yeah, a civics book. I never— I think it was only one year, In eighth grade it was called civics. And then it was Social Studies or—

MIKE: {talking over Matt} I think they call it civics now.

MATT: {after Mike is finished} —you know world history or American history or whatever.

{Pause}

MATT: That Show AM...logo is pretty good, Mike. {Mike says "Uh"} I think you could get sued {both chuckle} by The Today Show.

MIKE: {laughing} Well, The Today Show is, like, concentric circles for the sun, we used horizontal stripes.

MATT: You might be able to get sued by, like, Comfort Inn.

{Mike laughs}

MATT: Or one of those places. {Pauses}

MATT: {said in reference to the "bad boy" Homestar's T-Shirt} Denied! We should see— I bet we could get a shirt—

MIKE: I think that's a real shirt.

MATT: —in 2008.

MIKE: Mmhm.

MATT: I think we could find one.

{Pause}

MATT: Ummmm...

MIKE: Talking? Wait, talking? Talking? Are we {begins to laugh} talking?

MATT: Yeah. This is like, verbatim, a conversation I probably had with lots of customers when I worked at MindSpring.

MIKE: Oh yeah! Was that— Was the tray, the CD tray? No, that's—

MATT: No, that's just a— No, that's not in this, but that was just a— That was an old urban legend. I don't know if that ever really happened.

MIKE: You never got that call?

MATT: But we would always get like— Like, we weren't allowed to tell them what their password was, but they would always forget their password 'cause they probably didn't know they signed up for MindSpring.

{Mike laughs}

MIKE: They were tricked into it?

MATT: They were being charged \$19.95 a month and they'd be like "I don't know. This may be a mother's maiden name or the name of a pet."

{Mike laughs}

MATT: And they'd be like "I don't know! Chauncy!" And you'd be like "No, it might start with a S-P-O-T."

{Mike laughs}

MATT: {in reference to Homestar stuck in the cooler} Um, that's a scary looking Homestar. Did you have to look at our actual water cooler to do that, Mike?

MIKE: Uh, I probably did. I think that's pretty accurate to our water cooler.

MATT: {interrupting} That one doesn't have the instant hot water though.

MIKE: It has instant cold, apparently.

MATT: That's the way the one that, uh, Mom always had was.

MIKE: {interrupting} Mom's! It was just like room temperature water and cold water.

MATT: Yeah, but it wasn't room temperature at all.

MIKE: Was it hot?

MATT: No, it was co— No!—

MIKE: Oh.

MATT: —It was cold and, and like ex— {Mike says something unintelligble} like, your teeth cold water.

{Pause}

MATT: Joint sub-committee meeting.

{Mike laughs}

MATT: Fifty yard line.

MIKE: I'll be there.

MATT: What are we up to? Are we onto sixteen? On that soap— soapbox?

MIKE: Oh, yeah.

MATT: I think we're up to sixteen.

MIKE: I thought you were talking about the uh, DJ Mike, uh commentary extravaganza 'cause we're—

MATT: Episode— We're onto episode sixteen now.

MIKE: No, this is still fourteen.

MATT: {laughing} Oh, sorry.

{Pause}

{Matt laughs at the Homestar's line}

MATT: Coulomb's Law, man. Did he just say {in a faux Mexican accent} "No, no, no, stupid"?

MIKE: {laughing} Maybe. I didn't hear.

MATT: Is that Alasdair?

MIKE: {unintelligible} Could be— Uhhh, yeah, maybe Alasdair.

MATT: Some classic You Can't Do That on Television person.

{Pause}

MATT: Did you do that little flickering shadow on there, Mike?

MIKE: I did, man.

MATT: It's pretty good.

MIKE: Thanks, I spent some time on that.

MATT: Homestar's— gonna to have some... nicely browned legs.

{Mike laughs}

MATT: That— He should flip those at this time.

MIKE: We had made those juicebox on a stick for a time when he was gonna be squattin' underneath Strong Bad's email desk?

MATT: Yeah, it was after we had taken a big break.

MIKE: Yeah.

MATT: And Homestar was going to have moved in under Strong Bad's email desk.

MIKE: Is this the first— the invention of Rumble Red?

MATT: Yeah, this is his first appearance. De-butt.

{Pause}

MATT: There he is, Mike.

MIKE: At the time, we were watching a lot of old, like, uh, industrial cartoons from the 50s and they all seemed to have Martians in them that were—

MATT: Yeah, a Martian—

MATT: A Martian came to... a factory to learn about competition—

MIKE: Yeah.

MATT: —or steel—

MIKE: {laughing} Yeah.

MATT: —or—

MIKE: Oil or coal.

MATT: Yeah.

{Pause}

MATT: That's like, um, Mookie. Mookie, from think— Do the Right Thing. {Mike chuckles} He throws a thrash can through a plate glass window.

MIKE: Oh, that's it. I was going to say someth—

### Fun Facts

• Comfort Inn (and Comfort Suites) is a chain of lodgings owned by Choice Hotels.
• Homestar squatting under Strong Bad's desk is from an early draft of Sbemail 136, which was rejected in favor of geddup noise.