# 4 branches

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The Four Branches of Stupid Things Homestar's Done

Strong Bad explains the four branches of stupid things Homestar's done.

Cast (in order of appearance): Strong Bad, Homestar Runner, The King of Town, Marzipan, Strong Sad, Coach Z, Old-Timey Alien, The Homestar Runner, Old-Timey Strong Bad, Larry Palaroncini (Easter egg), Gary Palaroncini (Easter egg), Perry Palaroncini (Easter egg), Mary Palaroncini (Easter egg)

Places: Computer Room, The Show, The Office, The Field, Old-Timey Field, Old-Timey Stage, Alien Planet (Easter egg)

Computer: Lappy 486

Date: November 13, 2006

Running Time: 4:55

Page Title: Lappy 486

## Transcript

STRONG BAD: {singing} Start your day the Sbemail way, and never get out of bed!

{Strong Bad reads "Hey Strong Bad," in a bored tone and continues to read the rest of the email the same way. He draws out "ur" before biggest fan and reads "N.Y." as "Nuevo York."}

STRONG BAD: {clears screen, typing} Well, my good Spank, that is way too broad a subject and would take several days just to scratch the surface of the tip of that iceberg. Especially the imagined part. That one has its own spreadsheet even. No, we'll have to get much more specific if we're gonna cover any stupid Homestar ground in one email. So it's time you people learned all about {cut to a scene with a U.S. Capitol-like building topped with a dome shaped like Homestar's head, and a banner featuring the the following title:} The Four Branches of Stupid Things Homestar's Done.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {as the top of the building} Ooo. I'm a neglected official.

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} The first branch is in charge of keeping the public informed. {A dotted line is traced to a television set with Homestar's head on the screen. A caption appears under it that reads "The House of Doing Stupid Things on National Television".} It's the House of Doing Stupid Things on National Television!

{Cut to Homestar Runner on the set of The Show.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Now isn't that a tasty makeover, lady friends? {A crowd full of ladies cheers. Zoom in on Homestar.} Huh? {zoom in even closer} Huh?! From Drab to Fab with nothing but mustaaard!

{Pictures of the King of Town appear on the left and right sides of the screen. The one on the left is labeled "Drab" and features a "normal" picture of the King of Town. The picture on the right is labeled "Fab" and features the King of Town doused with mustard. Homestar holds up a mustard container with the word 'Musty!' on it. Crowd cheers. The pictures disappear.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Now my next guest says her man doesn't give respect when she comes correct. But he thinks she's just a drama mama.

{Cut to a shot of Marzipan looking angry, with the words "Alleged Drama Mama" at the bottom of the screen.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: So let's bring him out!

{The crowd boos. Homestar turns towards a curtain, then a spotlight appears on Homestar and his clothes and appearance change instantly; his propeller cap is back-to-front, while stubble, a goatee and undereye bags have appeared on his face, and his shirt features a green hand and the words "DENIED! Panama City Beach".}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {sulkily} Yeah, whatever. You know you all want some.

{A chair flies in from offscreen and hits Homestar in the face, knocking him down. The crowd cheers.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} That's right. Homestar secretly had himself on his own "You're a Bad Boyfriend" talk show.

{Cut back to the list of "Stupid Things Homestar's Done." A dotted line is traced to a coffee mug with Homestar's face on it.}

STRONG BAD: The next branch tracks the stupid things Homestar does on the job. Here comes The Bureau of Doing Stupid Things at the Office.

{Cut to the Office. Strong Bad is sitting in his cubicle wearing a headset, occasionally typing on his computer. Phones can be heard ringing in the background.}

STRONG BAD: {talking into headset; looking bored} No ma'am, this would be a password you gave to us. Yes sir, it could be the last four digits of your dog, or your mother's maiden credit card number...

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {offscreen} Hey, Strong Bro, keg party at the water cooler!

STRONG BAD: {turns his head offscreen towards Homestar} Not Now! I'm talking to Phone Tree Survivor Number Thirteen! {talking into headset} Yes, baby, the whole password.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {offscreen} Stro Bro, free bagels at the water cooler!

STRONG BAD: {looks excited} I'm sorry, ma'am, free bagels just happened.

{Strong Bad leaps up from his desk, making the Geddup Noise, and dashes out of his cubicle, leaving the headset behind. Cut to the water cooler, which has Homestar stuffed inside, with one leg hanging out of one of the water dispensers.}

STRONG BAD: Aww, man! This isn't free bagels!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: No, but it is free... ing Homestar from the water cooler. That's pretty sweet.

STRONG BAD: {momentarily stutters} Just explain to me what you were trying to do when this happened.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Well, I was in Barbados, hanging a picture on the wall...

STRONG BAD: Okay, that tells me everything I need to know. How 'bout we try this?

{Strong Bad steps up to the water cooler. Cut to a closeup of the dispenser with Homestar's leg in it. Strong Bad presses the button on the nozzle.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Ow, ow, OW, STOP!

{Strong Bad stops pressing on the dispenser. Cut back to the original shot of the water cooler.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Sweet genius, that hurt! Oh, well, just forget it. I'll just stay in here for the rest of my life. Just stack my mail on top of me, would ya? {Strong Bad walks off as a phone rings.} Thanks, S-bro! Man! Where should we go for lunch today? Chinese buffet?

{Cut back to the list of "Stupid Things Homestar's Done." While Strong Bad talks, a scoreboard appears, which rolls up to its high number limit of 999,999 and then resets to zero.}

STRONG BAD: You know how in video games, if you get the super-duper high score, it eventually flips back to zero? Well, sometimes Homestar does something so stupid, he flips back to smart.

{The scoreboard disappears as a dotted line is traced to a picture of Homestar with a graduation cap on. A caption appears under him that says "The joint Sub-Committee On So Stupid It's Smart-ities". Cut to Homestar in the Field atop a soap box with Strong Sad in the foreground. The words "Fourteen Times" are written on the soapbox.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Awash with flavor!

STRONG SAD: Uh, okay Homestar. Then what's two plus two?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Well, {speaking quickly} the force between any two charges is equal to the absolute value of the multiple of the charges— {cut to a closeup; computer-type noises begin playing in the background} —divided by 4 pi times the vacuum permittivity times the distance squared between the two charges.

STRONG SAD: No, no, no, stupid! That's Coulomb's law.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, {cut back to wide shot of Homestar} right, sorry! Two plus two? That's easy. Twenty-two.

{Cut back to the list of "Stupid Things Homestar's Done."}

STRONG BAD: And last of course, the most powerful branch. The Boudoir of Doing Stupid Things While Inside a College Mascot Costume.

{A dotted line is traced to a football helmet with Homestar's face on it. A caption appears under it that reads "The Boudoir of Doing Stupid Things While Inside a College Mascot Costume".}

{Cut to the Field at night with Homestar inside The Jolly Dumple costume. A campfire is also inside it.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Man, oh man, oh man! Man! Moving into this mascot costume was probably the coolest and least locking-myself-out-of-my-house-enest decision I ever made! {Homestar raises a stick with a juice box stuck on the end over the fire.} This juice box is gonna roast up good and plenty! Dark and lovely! Bed, Bath and Be-yond!

{Cut to a wider shot revealing Coach Z.}

COACH Z: Homestar, what are you doin'?! That thing is made out of flame pro-tardant Polymascotfoamalate!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Polymascotfoamalate?! {his words echo}

{Fade to The Homestar Runner in the Old-Timey Field standing next to an alien. A spaceship has crashed into the factory in the background.}

OLD-TIMEY ALIEN: But, Earthling, they don't have polymascotfoamalate on my planet. Eh, rumble.

THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: That's 'cause you're a communist fool, red! {Pronounces "communist" as "commonest"}

{The alien looks shocked. Cut to a stage with The Homestar Runner and Old-Timey Strong Bad dancing with a banner over their heads reading "Polymascotfoamalate!"}

BACKGROUND SINGERS: {singing} Polymascotfoamalate!

{Cut to The Homestar Runner dressed up as a baby.}

THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: Feed it to the babies.

{Cut back to the stage, the alien joins them.}

BACKGROUND SINGERS: {singing} Polymascotfoamalate!

{Cut to Old-Timey Strong Bad with shaving cream on his face holding what appears to be baby powder in one hand and a cup full of shaving cream in the other.}

OLD-TIMEY STRONG BAD: Or as a topping on Soured Cream!

{Cut to a globe with the words "POLYMASCOTFOAMALATE" written in front of it with its chemical formula, (Msct-) + (Fm8+).}

ANNOUNCER: Polymascotfoamalate! Helping America {appears above the globe as it is spoken} Ingenuitize the Future across the globe!

{A record scratch is heard. We abruptly cut back to the Field at night with Homestar inside the mascot.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Ohhh. Right. So I should be perfectly safe! {singing} Polymascotfoa- {an explosion occurs, throwing Coach Z out of frame; after a beat, Homestar's mascot costume disintegrates with the sound of breaking glass.}

{Cut back to the list of "Stupid Things Homestar's Done". Strong Bad stands up in front of it.}

STRONG BAD: So there you have it! Now it's up to you to make your own informed decisions about the stupidest things Homestar's done. Get involved, {a banner appears above Strong Bad} write a letter to your local Homestarman, {another banner appears} or throw a trash can through a plate glass window! {Yet another banner appears.}

{Strong Bad walks off screen and the camera pulls in on the top of the U.S. Capitol building shaped like Homestar's head.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {singing} And that's how I become a law! {Fireworks appear in the air.} Ptoo! Ptoo! Ptoo!

{The Paper comes down.}

## Easter Eggs

A Great Idea for Personal Style
• Click on "spreadsheet" after Strong Bad types it to see a spreadsheet titled "A Great Idea for Personal Style". Across the cells is a drawing of Homestar's head wearing a wig of Mongolian Beef, and a handwritten caption that reads "MONGOLIAN BEEF WiG".
• Click on the cartoon in Strong Bad's cubicle to see a Dullard comic.
• At the end of the email, click on Homestar's head to see more fireworks.
• At the end, click on "Stupid" to see a Limozeen: "but they're in space!" cartoon:
{Larry, Gary, and Perry are seen on a teal planet with the Old-Timey Alien, a snake-like animal coming out of the ground, and a ringed planet in the background.}
OLD-TIMEY ALIEN: {gestures and stamps feet while speaking} Oh, but Limozeen-in-space-lings. They don't have hot blonde groupies with high bangs on my planet... {trailing off} eh, grumble...
LARRY: That's 'cause you don't have polyhairsprayteasealate!
{Cut to Mary holding a tentacle in a hot dog bun.}
MARY: {speaking with mouth full} And you're a communist fool! {Takes a bite of sandwich and chews.}

## Fun Facts

### Explanations

• Homestar correctly states Coulomb's law, which determines the magnitude of the electrostatic force between two particles based on their charges q1 and q2 and the distance between them r:
$F=\frac1{4\pi\epsilon_0}\frac{|q_1q_2|}{r^2}$
• "Red" is a nickname for a Communist.
• "Polymascotfoamalate" is a portmanteau of quite a few words:
• In many older video and arcade games, limitations of the game's scoring system would cause the score to "roll over" back to 0 when a score reached a certain upper limit. For example, if the game was only capable of displaying five digits for the player's score, achieving a score of 100,000 would cause the score to roll over to 0.
• Mongolia is a country in Asia, located south of Russia, and north of China.

### Remarks

• Nuevo York is an incorrect way of saying New York in Spanish. Nueva York is the correct Spanish form.
• Strong Bad's polo shirt has a 5.25 inch floppy disk crest. Homestar, however, is not wearing the usual polo shirt attire to work.
• Homestar does not have any trouble breathing or speaking underwater. The sound of his voice is also not affected by the water.
• When The King of Town's "Drab to Fab" makeover is shown, the colors of his crown are reversed, as they were in earlier designs.
• Homestar's legs during the The Show AM are for some reason the old design. Notice the left foot being at an awkward angle.
• Strong Bad mixes up technological phrases and assigns various gender titles, similar to what Homestar did in isp.
• Homestar's eyes appear considerably bigger than normal while inside the water cooler; this may be due to the cooler's curved surface magnifying them. They also do not blink every four seconds, which suggests new eyes were made especially for this scene.
• During the scene of the globe in the Polymascotfoamalate cartoon, the white land masses at the top and bottom do not spin with the rest of the globe.
• The chemical formula for Polymascotfoamalate is a play on its name: Msct- for "mascot" and Fm8+ for "foamalate".
• The shadows cast by Homestar in the costume are to his side, although the fire (the source of light) is in front of him.

### Goofs

• The floppy disk on Strong Bad's shirt jumps between Strong Bad's left and right side so that it's always facing the audience.
• At the end of the firework Easter egg, you can hear a short "pop", which is the very beginning of Homestar's third "pa-too!" from earlier in the email.

### Fixed Goofs

• When the email was first posted, Strong Bad typed "in" instead of "any" when he says "No, we'll have to get much more specific if we're gonna cover any stupid Homestar ground," at the beginning of the email. This was later corrected.
• When the email was first posted, boudoir was misspelled as "Budoir". This was later corrected.
• The first time the "Polymascotfoamalate" banner appears, it was misspelled "Polymascotfamalate."

### Inside References

• The Soapbox makes another appearance when Homestar stands on it while he answers Strong Sad, and its label now reads "Fourteen times".
• Limozeen's animated debut was in best thing.
• "MONGOLIAN BEEF WiG" is an example of lowercase i's.
• The Jolly Dumple first appeared in mascot.
• Homestar's fireworks sounds at the end of the email are the same sounds he makes in couch patch when he is spitting Teddy Grahams.
• This is another reference to Homestar saying something intelligent, as started by the email stupid stuff.
• This is the second time Strong Bad's eyes are partially shut. The first instance was in long pants.